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Triggering (& thanks to PL.. )

 
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eyeswideopen



Joined: 16 Feb 2007
Posts: 212
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 12:04 pm    Post subject: Triggering (& thanks to PL.. ) Reply with quote
Thanks (again) PL! Thanks for your kind words in the "I feel like a freak" thread. I'll start my own thread instead of jacking justme's with my crap. I feel like I am in "it's all about me" mode. I've even wondered if I am the N sometimes. I am so sick of the crazy making.... ARGH! I want it all out of me... now!

I deleted that post about being afraid of my parents coming here... I thought it was dumb to be afraid. After all they haven't (physically) hurt me in a very long time. But I also haven't done anything to set off that all out rage in a very long time either.

You have the same fear, PL? I've kept the deadbolts locked ever since they found out about NC. I have the phone number of the police department written down... I know in their eyes I am a very bad daughter... worse than ever before...

I can feel their rage and anger. I swear I know every thing they are saying. I've been really triggering & having flasbacks over my dad's rage.

It's like coming out a cult. But I KNOW there are beter days ahead. Just have to get over this little bump in the road. (Then work on reformatting my brainwashed head Confused )
_________________
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran

Last edited by eyeswideopen on Thu Jul 12, 2007 1:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Pretty_Lady



Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 554
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I know how hard it is because I have the same fear. I have bought a new lock and I will change my door lock. I am scared to because these people do not understand when you say no more. They think you own them with your life!!!!
eyewideopen, take one day at a time. Recognize your fear is very valid. Take care of you like a good mother would take of you.
You and your husband can be there for eachother. You can be a team.

About being N. I think about that a lot too that I might be one. Then I know it take lot more. I can never be that evel person and you can't either. What I do is I change the way I have done things before towards other people. I am aware. None of us is perfect. You are not a N. You are a good person. Now you will take care of yourself each day and one day at a time.

Hang in there. We all know this is not going to be easy for none of us.
But having a strong boundaries is the last thing that might work because we make the rules now.

((((hugs))))
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing
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Smilin Fyodor



Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 110
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Don't feel weird if you're still scared. My parents never physically abused me (at least not in the context of the time), and I still found myself nearly terrified last Christmas season when there was a chance I might encounter them. Purposefully or not, my parents were quite the manipulators, and I think I'm only beginning to reach a point where I could be around them without some sort of fear or feeling of being dominated.

As far as being N yourself, I wouldn't sweat that either. The very fact that you can worry, makes you not.
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justmee



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 692
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I am sorry I didnt see your post and anytime, you can jack one of mine. I want to let you know that I totally understand, you being afraid of them. Mine have not hurt me physically in 20 years but I still have that fear. If I am home alone, I will not go upstairs without locking every door in the house...incase they come here...

Guess I want to say, you are not alone..

justmee
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oaktree



Joined: 16 Feb 2007
Posts: 362
Location: Minnesota
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 2:13 am    Post subject: Fears Reply with quote
smilin-good to see you are around! havent seen much from you lately.

eyeswideopen--I liked it when you said,
Quote:
"It's like coming out a cult. But I KNOW there are better days ahead. Just have to get over this little bump in the road. (Then work on reformatting my brainwashed head)."


This is so Right On Wink You go girl!

By the way, the only thing that has worked on my irrational fears is therapy, specifically EMDR, and anxiety meds. Anybody try these? (I found the door type alarms you buy at the hardware store and the door wedges sucked, so I had to do something with myself instead!) (I rent so cant install any better deadbolt either). Very Happy
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama
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eyeswideopen



Joined: 16 Feb 2007
Posts: 212
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Thanks guys! Smile

I am realizing that they can't hurt me anymore, I don't live in their home and I no longer live under their control. And I have no doubts or regrets about NC. Maybe tiny twinges of guilt, but even that is not as bad as I thought it might be. The way I see it, I've given them more time and chances than I ever should have. I have nothing to be guilty about.

So nice to know of others who understand! Thanks for the support!! Wink

NC IS the one thing I've always wanted to do, but never thought I could. Now I've done it!
_________________
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran

Last edited by eyeswideopen on Thu Jul 12, 2007 1:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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oaktree



Joined: 16 Feb 2007
Posts: 362
Location: Minnesota
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:06 am    Post subject: hi Reply with quote
eyeswideopen--your signature statement says it all. Have you read many of her writings or about her? She was an amazing woman!
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama
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eyeswideopen



Joined: 16 Feb 2007
Posts: 212
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
No, not alot... I love looking for inspiring quotes. I know some about her, but now I think I will have to read some more... thanks... I love to read Wink
_________________
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran
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