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Explanation of N's Smear Campaign to cast blame on others

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Explanation of N's Smear Campaign to cast blame on others

Postby Cookie2 » Fri Aug 07, 2009 4:02 pm

Can one or both of you please put in easy language why and how a n/p does the smear campaign? How they go about involving so many others...such as friends you have had for years? Why they target you rather than someone else....or why it seems to keep hapening to you. In other words what am I doing wrong to be the target of them.I am trying to explain this to someone and am not being believed....I can show them what you write and hope they finally get it...Thanks.....
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Postby Cookie2 » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:01 pm

Thank you defender....You said he started it with seeds....this is what I want to tell them yet I dont seem to be telling it in the right way....having luckily not having a smear campaign on them they dont understand one and believe the victim is at fault......Keeps saying'But why????' as if it doesnt happen just out of the blue.....I need to know how to explain this in plain words.....Thanks again......
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Re: Echo or Mercy....

Postby MercyMe » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:42 am

Cookie2 wrote:Can one or both of you please put in easy language why and how a n/p does the smear campaign? How they go about involving so many others...such as friends you have had for years? Why they target you rather than someone else....or why it seems to keep hapening to you. In other words what am I doing wrong to be the target of them.I am trying to explain this to someone and am not being believed....I can show them what you write and hope they finally get it...Thanks.....


I can try. :) Please note that when I use the term "N/S/P" I am referring to narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths: those specific folks who fit the diagnostic criteria set forth by the DSM-IV-TR for any Axis II, Cluster B personality disorder, but especially NPD and AsPD. "N" is narcissist, but it might as well be N/S/P because there is just SOOOO much overlap in the behavior and traits between these disorders. I'll try not to use any more jargon than that. :)

It might be easier to back up a bit, because the problem isn't really the smear campaign, the problem is an incredible lack of honesty, a willingness to exploit, high risk and/or thrill seeking behavior, combined with no conscience whatsoever. The smear campaign is a byproduct of that.

So when you're an N (a narcissist, someone with NPD) in world full of non-Ns, wanting everything they have, feeling it is your absolute right to take it at will, yet recognizing that non-Ns do have the power to deny your conquests and take punitive action against you IF they find out what you're really up to and your true motivations, the smear campaign makes a lot of sense.

The mistake that people make about Ns -- and the one I think maybe your friend can't wrap his head around -- is a complete inability, even unwillingness, to believe that ANYONE, much less someone of their acquaintance, could really be that cold, that calculating, that unfeeling, that uncaring. But that's what NPD is. That's what sociopathy is. They really ARE that deliberately deceitful and manipulative. And the general professional concensus is that it's 4% of the general population, or one in every 25 people you meet.

So when you look at it from that angle -- someone who is incredibly adept at knowing what reward (or alternately, threat) you hold for them long before you even get to know them, someone whose facility for charm routinely fools even the experts, someone who feels it is literally your (and my) place in society to hand them whatever they may want at that given moment, the why and how of the smear campaign gets real clear. Simply put, the smear campaign is both a pre-emptive strike AND a control/punishment method N/S/Ps use for damage control. By trash talking you LONG before you know what's happening, LONG before you have any idea what is said, they can discredit any possible accusation or truth you may eventually tell AND maximize it to make others feel sorry for them and make everything your fault.

The problem is that people do not want to actually believe that anyone else can be that evil, period. Until and unless someone gets victimized by one of these disordered people, they cannot imagine -- literally -- that anyone could or would be so bad. It screws with their picture of the universe. But these normal folks are the same people who are used to doing the right thing, having integrity, being honest when no one else is looking, who do not deliberately and knowingly do bad things or hurt others or exploit people who love them. And thank God for that! :) But ask any addict: when there is something more important than life to you, and you become willing to lie, cheat and steal even from those who love you most, anything is possible. And a tool to not only deflect suspicion away from you, but simultaneously discredit any witnesses AND garner sympathy, becomes very valuable indeed. That tool is the smear campaign. And if your friend says, "People just don't DO that sort of thing!" well, yes they do. It's well documented. It's in the DSM-IV-TR and everything. No need for him to rely on your word alone.

Unfortunately, once you get in the sights of an N/S/P it is very, very difficult to break free. The closer you are and thus the more you know of them, the more obsessed they are with controlling you, positioning you, and absolutely ensuring that no one, NO ONE will EVER believe a word you say. Even years later!!! They just don't give up. It doesn't even matter if you would never speak a word against them, nor does it matter if you have no knowledge (yet) that they have done anything wrong. N/S/Ps ***ALWAYS*** have a secret life, a secret past they cannot afford for anyone else to know about, a trail of victims that they must keep separated. And canny beings that they are, they know that if you have any integrity of your own, sooner or later you'll wake up to it. So at the same time they are saying everything they think we want to hear, busy keeping the stars in our eyes, they are quite happily and knowingly painting quite a different picture of us to others, ESPECIALLY anyone whom we might trust and go to for help, or who might trust us over the N. Hence the rapid and often repeated involvement of close family and friends.

And they do it very, very well. Do not underestimate the charm of these creatures. They study their target like textbooks, very deliberately learning what makes us tick, so that they can make themselves out to be the perfect lover/soulmate/friend and simultaneously protect themselves from the inevitable day of our disillusionment and discovery of their true nature, when we go running to our friends and family with our shock, disbelief and pain. They don't come into our lives wearing a red suit holding a pitchfork: they look like you and me. And when they start the smear campaign, they do it drop by drop -- a hint here, an omission there, an occasional sigh or wistful, sad look -- and go from there. Like Defender says, they plant seeds, and in such a way you don't even know they just did. They are MASTERS at painting pictures of human beings that simply DO NOT EXIST except in their imagination. Even when, as sometimes happens, the facades are all ripped away and they are publicly revealed for what they are, they will go to their dying day insisting that they were misunderstood, it was all your fault, you turned everyone against them, they have concerns for your sanity, you were abusive and dishonest, yada yada yada. And people still believe them, even when the proof of their overwhelming dishonesty and wrongdoing has been in front of their eyes all along.

But as Martha Stout says, an expert who has written on sociopathy, often the most sign you'll ever get up front that you're dealing with a disordered person is repeated plays on your pity. They love that. Pity keeps your normal defenses turned off, your willingness to help high, and your flexibility open to them. Accusing others of egregious and repeated wrongdoing is perfect way to get, and keep, your pity. Don't be deceived. They are REALLY REALLY REALLY good at what they do, and what they do is exploit.

That, and N/S/Ps tend to congregate: where one N/S/P is, you'll often find several, with interlocking entourages of enablers (people who do not challenge them on the obvious, preferring rather to believe that they are all good and it really is all your fault) and proxies (people who go a step further and actually help the N/S/P, usually by censoring and shunning you based on the N's lies). So people who are truthtellers, people who have nothing to offer them and/or people who see them for what they are, DO tend to be repeatedly targeted. Cookie, you are eligible on all three counts.

Miss Cookie, I hope that helps. The one thing I absolutely cannot write, though, is what you must be doing wrong. In the end, all you have to do wrong is *exist*, and frankly, I find your existence a blessing. :)

I hope you share my story with your friend, written months ago, and remind him that I post on this forum completely anonymously: no one knows who I am, I can neither defend myself nor accuse any specific person by means of this forum, and there is absolutely nothing for me to gain by sharing what I share here, except the help and support of others who have been through it too. Neither you nor any other person here knows -- or can know -- my real name. So why would I up and defend you, or spend a goodly amount of time writing what I just did, unless these people exist AND I had been through it too, long before I ever met you?

And the one thing I would advise your friend to do, BEFORE he makes any rock solid judgements regarding the truth of what you're telling him now -- whatever it is -- is to ask himself one question: has he ever SEEN with his own eyes, or HEARD with his own ears, you *personally* do or say anything like that of which you have been accused? In other words, if you have been accused of theft, has he ever seen you steal or heard you talk about how easy it would be? If you have been accused of lying, has he personally ever found you to be dishonest in ANY way? Has he personally ever caught you in a lie, or even found your statements to be even a little unreliable or inaccurate? If you have been accused of abusive behavior, has he personally ever seen you lose your temper without cause, show self-justifying thought patterns, seen others close to you (other than the N and Nproxies) behave with fear and caution toward you as though you really were abusive behind closed doors? And so on. I believe that if your friend reflects on what he has personally seen and heard, he will find -- as so many of us have found to our intense pain and heartbreak -- that all the *signs*, if there are any, center around someone else, and someone else's words and behavior. If he calls himself your friend, he will do you at least this honor, the honor of looking at you, really looking at YOU, and seeing who you really are.

I hope this helps!!!
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Postby Echo » Sat Aug 08, 2009 12:05 pm

Hi Cookie, I think Mercy has explained it perfectly. Its the best explanation of the pre-emptive strike and smearing tactics that Ive read.

So when you look at it from that angle -- someone who is incredibly adept at knowing what reward (or alternately, threat) you hold for them long before you even get to know them, someone whose facility for charm routinely fools even the experts, someone who feels it is literally your (and my) place in society to hand them whatever they may want at that given moment, the why and how of the smear campaign gets real clear. Simply put, the smear campaign is both a pre-emptive strike AND a control/punishment method N/S/Ps use for damage control. By trash talking you LONG before you know what's happening, LONG before you have any idea what is said, they can discredit any possible accusation or truth you may eventually tell AND maximize it to make others feel sorry for them and make everything your fault.


This portion says it all for me. They are constantly on the look-out for rejection or abandonment, and are hyper-tuned to sense any kind of change or rebellious nature in their victims. If they are able to believe that their victim doesnt see through their "false self" then all is well in their worlds. They are still intact. Its when they sense any kind of challenge to their self-imposed superior position, sense a threat - real or perceived, that they start with the pre-emptive strike.

Anything to keep their deluded view of themselves intact.

Thats a great post Mercy, do you mind if I archive it?
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Postby carrie4 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 2:33 pm

Mercyme -- this is a really valuable post - thanks for this. Unfortunately, I have been the target of TWO smear campaigns on two extremely important areas of my life: career and social (romantic to be exact on the latter, but the outcome was losing my social life because the smears were so nasty and I subsequently lost my credibility with my peers). So my social and work peers -- ALL GONE -- because of nasty smear campaigns.

I agonize over what made me a target. I had never been a target before (before ten years ago). I now see the thing that made me a target was having something others wanted (the NPD, manipulators, one at my job, the other in my social circle). I was a threat (because I knew something, an illegal-in-the-workplace "deed" that is) at work and I was a threat to a (male) friend because I disturbed the social dynamic, took away control from him (who otherwise would have been forced to face facts in his own life, that is, the BFF of the romantic interest, who was jealous (told me so) of us because we liked each other. See how convoluted and stupid it sounds to people!!! If I sound like a teenager trying to explain it, then it's just indicative of the smear tactic. And I STILL can't even get it into a sound-bite if I tried!!!!). Both were devastating experiences, and I'm TRYING to recover and just make sense of it all.

Both smear campaigns happened when for the first time in my life I felt happy. Go figure! Finally, everything was coming together just beautifully for the FIRST time for me, and life was swell! If you show you your happiness in the company of any N, forget it. They'll take. They want it. That's part of it, and of course, if you are some kind of direct threat like I was at work, that'll do it. I was never targeted for anything because I never had anything anyone would consider "desirable" -- no competitive job, no blossoming adult romantic relationship. Nothing. Everyone used to leave me alone. Then it looked like I had something and I was just too vulnerable looking, I guess. Defenses were down, I guess.

This post is really helpful, MercyMe. You said it all. The worst part is not being believed in the slightest, and having it turn back on you. And then when others see the facts, they just don't want to believe them or go to the trouble to "go there." They don't want to admit that they were fooled! And yes, years later, people would prefer to sweep it under the rug rather than admit there was such a calculated stunt pulled on them. So the target is just at a complete loss. And in the meantime one loses just about every single person affiliated with the campaign -- leading to almost total isolation!!! I really wasn't equipped to stand up for myself either, at least effectively. For me I missed some moments of opportunity because of my own self-doubt! But that was just he effect of a successful campaign, so the target (me) even starts to doubt him/herself. And hesitation can sometimes lead to even more misunderstandings (sometimes silence is an admission to guilt!). So you're really damned if you do and damned if you don't, at least initially. I guess that's where just letting go for awhile and letting time pass can be helpful.

Anyway, well put, MercyMe. Great post. I just wish more people in the general population would "get" that there are just evil people out there with serious, selfish agendas. I still think there's hope in every case though! I do believe the N stuff EVENTUALLY backfires. But we certainly can't hold our breath waiting, and we certainly can play no part in it. We just have to trust and believe it does eventually happen.
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Postby carrie4 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:21 pm

p.s. Sorry -- I just had a strong afterthought after I wrote this post -- but I was just thinking again about the nature of smear campaigns (in light of mercy's brilliant post). It seems the goal of the smearer is always to constantly DEFER or DISTRACT everyone around them from the ACTUAL ISSUE. There's always something they want to hide, or some TRUTH they are trying to distract everyone from. And so they make every effort to convolute EVERYONE -- and yes -- they use very calculated tacticss to do so (and agree with MercyM about the subtleties of these gestures)-- all for the purpose to distract. So they'll set a fire in every corner just so everyone stays preoccupied with the toil and bloodshed of the fire (or scapegoat) just so no one ever will start to them look at them, the N.

So, is there any jagon-y word or clinical term for that "thing" that the smearer/N is trying to conceal? It's that dark truth -- like a deed or event -- the N doesn't want you to know about. I feel that this thing is always a component in these smear campaigns, actually.

You know what I'm talking about?

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:
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Postby MercyMe » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:42 pm

Echo wrote:Thats a great post Mercy, do you mind if I archive it?


Not at all... it's kind of an honor, actually. Thanks! :)
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Postby MercyMe » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:51 pm

carrie4 wrote:It seems the goal of the smearer is always to constantly DEFER or DISTRACT everyone around them from the ACTUAL ISSUE. There's always something they want to hide, or some TRUTH they are trying to distract everyone from. And so they make every effort to convolute EVERYONE -- and yes -- they use very calculated tacticss to do so (and agree with MercyM about the subtleties of these gestures)-- all for the purpose to distract. So they'll set a fire in every corner just so everyone stays preoccupied with the toil and bloodshed of the fire (or scapegoat) just so no one ever will start to them look at them, the N.


Well put, Carrie. It's like in the Wizard of Oz, "Disregard the man behind the curtain." A distraction, a con, a shell game.

So, is there any jagon-y word or clinical term for that "thing" that the smearer/N is trying to conceal? It's that dark truth -- like a deed or event -- the N doesn't want you to know about. I feel that this thing is always a component in these smear campaigns, actually. You know what I'm talking about?


I know what you're talking about, I think: a good part of every smear campaign is the N/S/P accusing the target of his/her own sins, so that Dark Secret [tm] inevitably shows up there, though it be in twisted form.

As for a jargon-y word... heh, ya got me on that one. The movie term "McGuffin" comes to mind, actually. :) But psych terms fail me -- maybe PsychDoc will be along and contribute!
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Postby sarahgirl6553 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:57 pm

wow- mercyme - you just described my mother. I remember telling my grandma why would anyone spend all her time trying to turn people against her own daughter. she said she did not know either. i guess that's just part of BPD/NPD, and im certain she has SOMETHING wrong that makes her want to spend hours and hours turning everyone against me, when normal mothers actually help their children and keep their business to themselves.
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Postby carrie4 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 5:17 pm

Maybe someone should coin a term! Maybe Psychdoc should do his thesis/diss on smear campaigning / scapegoating -- someone ought to!!!

Hey Psychdoc -- what's your take???


MercyMe wrote:
a good part of every smear campaign is the N/S/P accusing the target of his/her own sins, so that Dark Secret [tm] inevitably shows up there, though it be in twisted form.


Yeah, actually, sometimes "it" is just a general way of projecting a whole smorgasbord of sins (I think N parents/relatives, like mentioned above in sarah's post do this (and my NF), and of course exes notoriously do this too -- ex-spouses, ex-bf/gf). But in the workplace or other settings, for me, anyway, I'm seeing there is always that something specific to hide. But of course simply exposing "it" won't help you because the smearer/N is about a million steps ahead of you making sure it is impossible to expose "it" (and you don't even realize what's going on until they are about a million steps ahead of you!)...

I do like the "McGuffin" term -- thanks for sending the wiki link. I've never heard of it, but it's a great term to know. The interesting thing about it is that it's a device (for the purpose of the writer, I guess primarily screenwriter according to wiki) is that by it's very nature it stays in that unknown/unresolved territory just for the purpose of twisting everything around. And it operates through the way its status remains a mystery and stays unknown (and even deceptively unmotivated) to all, yet is the driving force of all of the conflict in the plot.

But I guess in real life, or ethically, really, I can't accept that someone might hide an evil deed allowing it to be perpetually deflected and by setting off a long chain of events where every one in the end gets burned except the N! I guess I can't accept this -- so we definitely need a term here!!! Anyone...anyone? Psychdoc??!!

It's the Dark Secret (tm!)/Ugly Truth/Actual Issue the smearer doesn't want us to know about!

And back to Cookie's question (and mine) -- maybe it is helpful and healing at least for the emotional health of the target to at least identify to oneself that Dark Secret/Ugly Truth/Actual Issue the smearer is trying to hide and figure out how you inadvertently got in it's way. We can almost never get validation from others, but at least if we can follow our instincts on what Truth is being hidden and subsequently scapegoated, it will offer some relief and sanity. I think identifying that core of (the sick motives of the N) is the only way to unravel all of the deception. Sometimes I think we can encounter/butt heads with it simply by not being a proxy or source to it! So basically, by just being a good honest soul is a threat to an N most of the time!
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Postby Echo » Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:14 pm

Only got a few seconds to answer here, but I think the Dark Secret and the Ugly Truth(love the terms) is the Narcissists Real Self.

Thats the shrivelled, disassociated, "weak" Real self that they work so hard to make the False Grandiose Self to cover up.

The Dark Secret is that inside there is nothing but Shame.
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Postby carrie4 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:26 pm

Yeah, and that False Grandiose Self is protected with the best armor imaginable! They won't compromise but a scratch on there -- all for the facade of Perfection. All so everyone stands around in awe of them!

And in my experiences, their "retaliatory" behavior (because of a perceived threat) was no where in the league of being comparable to the damage inflicted on me. So in the worst case scenarios for them, had I exposed them, they'd still be standing easily, just maybe a little bit temporarily maimed or compromised. But they each had to murder my career and credibility -- so it was no where in the realm of fair play. And yes, all to protect that Grandiose Self.
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The smear

Postby shellshockella » Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:53 am

MercyMe wrote:
Cookie2 wrote:Can one or both of you please put in easy language why and how a n/p does the smear campaign? How they go about involving so many others...such as friends you have had for years? Why they target you rather than someone else....or why it seems to keep hapening to you. In other words what am I doing wrong to be the target of them.I am trying to explain this to someone and am not being believed....I can show them what you write and hope they finally get it...Thanks.....


I can try. :) Please note that when I use the term "N/S/P" I am referring to narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths: those specific folks who fit the diagnostic criteria set forth by the DSM-IV-TR for any Axis II, Cluster B personality disorder, but especially NPD and AsPD. "N" is narcissist, but it might as well be N/S/P because there is just SOOOO much overlap in the behavior and traits between these disorders. I'll try not to use any more jargon than that. :)

It might be easier to back up a bit, because the problem isn't really the smear campaign, the problem is an incredible lack of honesty, a willingness to exploit, high risk and/or thrill seeking behavior, combined with no conscience whatsoever. The smear campaign is a byproduct of that.

So when you're an N (a narcissist, someone with NPD) in world full of non-Ns, wanting everything they have, feeling it is your absolute right to take it at will, yet recognizing that non-Ns do have the power to deny your conquests and take punitive action against you IF they find out what you're really up to and your true motivations, the smear campaign makes a lot of sense.

The mistake that people make about Ns -- and the one I think maybe your friend can't wrap his head around -- is a complete inability, even unwillingness, to believe that ANYONE, much less someone of their acquaintance, could really be that cold, that calculating, that unfeeling, that uncaring. But that's what NPD is. That's what sociopathy is. They really ARE that deliberately deceitful and manipulative. And the general professional concensus is that it's 4% of the general population, or one in every 25 people you meet.

So when you look at it from that angle -- someone who is incredibly adept at knowing what reward (or alternately, threat) you hold for them long before you even get to know them, someone whose facility for charm routinely fools even the experts, someone who feels it is literally your (and my) place in society to hand them whatever they may want at that given moment, the why and how of the smear campaign gets real clear. Simply put, the smear campaign is both a pre-emptive strike AND a control/punishment method N/S/Ps use for damage control. By trash talking you LONG before you know what's happening, LONG before you have any idea what is said, they can discredit any possible accusation or truth you may eventually tell AND maximize it to make others feel sorry for them and make everything your fault.

The problem is that people do not want to actually believe that anyone else can be that evil, period. Until and unless someone gets victimized by one of these disordered people, they cannot imagine -- literally -- that anyone could or would be so bad. It screws with their picture of the universe. But these normal folks are the same people who are used to doing the right thing, having integrity, being honest when no one else is looking, who do not deliberately and knowingly do bad things or hurt others or exploit people who love them. And thank God for that! :) But ask any addict: when there is something more important than life to you, and you become willing to lie, cheat and steal even from those who love you most, anything is possible. And a tool to not only deflect suspicion away from you, but simultaneously discredit any witnesses AND garner sympathy, becomes very valuable indeed. That tool is the smear campaign. And if your friend says, "People just don't DO that sort of thing!" well, yes they do. It's well documented. It's in the DSM-IV-TR and everything. No need for him to rely on your word alone.

Unfortunately, once you get in the sights of an N/S/P it is very, very difficult to break free. The closer you are and thus the more you know of them, the more obsessed they are with controlling you, positioning you, and absolutely ensuring that no one, NO ONE will EVER believe a word you say. Even years later!!! They just don't give up. It doesn't even matter if you would never speak a word against them, nor does it matter if you have no knowledge (yet) that they have done anything wrong. N/S/Ps ***ALWAYS*** have a secret life, a secret past they cannot afford for anyone else to know about, a trail of victims that they must keep separated. And canny beings that they are, they know that if you have any integrity of your own, sooner or later you'll wake up to it. So at the same time they are saying everything they think we want to hear, busy keeping the stars in our eyes, they are quite happily and knowingly painting quite a different picture of us to others, ESPECIALLY anyone whom we might trust and go to for help, or who might trust us over the N. Hence the rapid and often repeated involvement of close family and friends.

And they do it very, very well. Do not underestimate the charm of these creatures. They study their target like textbooks, very deliberately learning what makes us tick, so that they can make themselves out to be the perfect lover/soulmate/friend and simultaneously protect themselves from the inevitable day of our disillusionment and discovery of their true nature, when we go running to our friends and family with our shock, disbelief and pain. They don't come into our lives wearing a red suit holding a pitchfork: they look like you and me. And when they start the smear campaign, they do it drop by drop -- a hint here, an omission there, an occasional sigh or wistful, sad look -- and go from there. Like Defender says, they plant seeds, and in such a way you don't even know they just did. They are MASTERS at painting pictures of human beings that simply DO NOT EXIST except in their imagination. Even when, as sometimes happens, the facades are all ripped away and they are publicly revealed for what they are, they will go to their dying day insisting that they were misunderstood, it was all your fault, you turned everyone against them, they have concerns for your sanity, you were abusive and dishonest, yada yada yada. And people still believe them, even when the proof of their overwhelming dishonesty and wrongdoing has been in front of their eyes all along.

But as Martha Stout says, an expert who has written on sociopathy, often the most sign you'll ever get up front that you're dealing with a disordered person is repeated plays on your pity. They love that. Pity keeps your normal defenses turned off, your willingness to help high, and your flexibility open to them. Accusing others of egregious and repeated wrongdoing is perfect way to get, and keep, your pity. Don't be deceived. They are REALLY REALLY REALLY good at what they do, and what they do is exploit.

That, and N/S/Ps tend to congregate: where one N/S/P is, you'll often find several, with interlocking entourages of enablers (people who do not challenge them on the obvious, preferring rather to believe that they are all good and it really is all your fault) and proxies (people who go a step further and actually help the N/S/P, usually by censoring and shunning you based on the N's lies). So people who are truthtellers, people who have nothing to offer them and/or people who see them for what they are, DO tend to be repeatedly targeted. Cookie, you are eligible on all three counts.

Miss Cookie, I hope that helps. The one thing I absolutely cannot write, though, is what you must be doing wrong. In the end, all you have to do wrong is *exist*, and frankly, I find your existence a blessing. :)

I hope you share my story with your friend, written months ago, and remind him that I post on this forum completely anonymously: no one knows who I am, I can neither defend myself nor accuse any specific person by means of this forum, and there is absolutely nothing for me to gain by sharing what I share here, except the help and support of others who have been through it too. Neither you nor any other person here knows -- or can know -- my real name. So why would I up and defend you, or spend a goodly amount of time writing what I just did, unless these people exist AND I had been through it too, long before I ever met you?

And the one thing I would advise your friend to do, BEFORE he makes any rock solid judgements regarding the truth of what you're telling him now -- whatever it is -- is to ask himself one question: has he ever SEEN with his own eyes, or HEARD with his own ears, you *personally* do or say anything like that of which you have been accused? In other words, if you have been accused of theft, has he ever seen you steal or heard you talk about how easy it would be? If you have been accused of lying, has he personally ever found you to be dishonest in ANY way? Has he personally ever caught you in a lie, or even found your statements to be even a little unreliable or inaccurate? If you have been accused of abusive behavior, has he personally ever seen you lose your temper without cause, show self-justifying thought patterns, seen others close to you (other than the N and Nproxies) behave with fear and caution toward you as though you really were abusive behind closed doors? And so on. I believe that if your friend reflects on what he has personally seen and heard, he will find -- as so many of us have found to our intense pain and heartbreak -- that all the *signs*, if there are any, center around someone else, and someone else's words and behavior. If he calls himself your friend, he will do you at least this honor, the honor of looking at you, really looking at YOU, and seeing who you really are.

I hope this helps!!!



I know this is an old thread, but I just came across it, and wanted to thank you for writing this up. I'm dealing with a monster smear campaign right now--and this post really put it all into words. Thanks so much.
shellshockella
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