Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

This is where I am at right now..Advice, please. Someone to talk to that knows where I am coming from...
I have a therapist and a Dr. they just don't get it yet.

Situation:(please don't say get another job.this is a resort town and things are just starting to open up again so the job thing is in the works)

My supervisor is my SIL who is a female P.

Divorce from a P is a long process but is looking promising by the end of the year. One problem after another after all he is a P!!

Circumstances have left me where I am right now and I am trying to deal with it and I need help.

I do not talk about my life very much with customers. (restaurant work) and I really am not "allowed to talk about my life" she (PSIL) can get p**** anyway..Another post in itself!

A few months ago I was reading up on relationships trying to figure out where I had went wrong with one that was blossoming.I came across N's stuff and realized thats the H. and OMG his sib!!!Then the following situation happens and I realize N isn't cutting it and more reading and come across Antisocial Personality Disorder/Socialpath/Psychopath OK that is it...

I gave a BD card to someone I have known for a couple years on a more personal level. We went to the same school, know the same people, etc. just never connected more than that. Customers have noticed the connection, when people who don't know you ask if thats your husband or make remarks about how he looks at you and he gives you a Christmas present?

She waited until he was out of town to "SCREAM" at me for giving him a BD card. It was innocent. I showed it to my Dr and my therapist. I put a quick note in it that said no more than have fun and I had missed talking to him over the recent days. She "SCREAMING" told me that he had told her I was stalking him and showing up in places where he was. I had no right to give him a card...This "screaming session" lasted more than 15mins. I had lost her a customer....He had quit coming in at night because I was there. I hadn't been in there at night for a good 3 months. The accusations and lies..Worse yet when he got back into town there he was. Friendly as ever and I am a nervous wreck. In fact the strain (my own) was so bad that he quit leaving a tip. Until one day I couldn't help it and made a joke with him and the tip is back.

She had the knowledge that I can't handled loud noises or screaming aka arguments. Yet she used this to make sure I don't cross her line. The problem is its working. I can still hear her screaming...There are days that I am absolutely terrified that he has said these things and my heart says he wouldn't hurt me. I can still hear my niece make the comment one day that he would do anything for you. He has never been mean to me.

Now the PSIL has called my home looking for him. He has never been here. She has even taken to copying me. My hair, my favorite scent...recently I celibrated a BD and she had forgotten until a customer wished me well. Then she was all over herself and promises of a cake the next morning etc.

Luck would have it that next morning here he comes...(never that early) she waited till he left to bring out the cake. she watched him leave with such a grin on her face. kind of like when you see the football player go over the goal line. the look on the faces in the crowd. another slap in the face to me...

I know she thinks a woman should forgive infedility and keep a marriage together & all that crap. But I am not. Nor do I believe it.

If no one can respond then maybe this life lesson I am into will help someone else see how cruel a P (female P are crafty) in real everyday life.

I think my biggest problem right now is how to relieve the stress I feel inside so I can be the friendly person I was. I have to wonder if any male who gave me extra attention she would be like this. My son told me in his wisdom that she doesn't want me to have the happiness. I guess kids catch on to when someone has eyes for their parent.?

Any input or ideas how to relax? Thank! for listening.

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

If it helps any, I seem to bring out the worst in P females just by being myself, so I know where you are coming from.

I have had more than my share affect my life in very negative ways and also the ones who copy.... one of them copied my hair, clothes, etc, and then out of the blue, started going to the same college as I, for the same major with the same endeavor to work up to law school. They had previously had absolutely no interest in the law and would have angry outbursts when I would share legal knowledge from my Human Resource background.

I personally am really a no-nonense kind of girl...I don't need to compete with other women, I am not jealous if they are prettier, smarter, etc....I don't need the best clothes, best looking yard, car, jewelry or anything else, but I always know when someone like that wants to eliminate me. Sometimes they are in a position of power to do so, sometimes not.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have one in that many positions of power over me! OMG! You are already embarking on a new job journey and getting divorced. That is really all you can do. Just stay focused and "watch your back..." You never know what these freaks will do!
_________________
"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1864

Hi Teri,
(I hope you don't mind but I have gone back through your posts so I can understand a little better about your story and what's going on for you)...
and I have to say, it is very hard not to want to cry when I read what you have been through. Yet my tears -nor anyone else's are of use to you..so I will do my very best to answer you here in a more formal and less emotional way.

Re this situation: well sound very much to me like this boss has had a bit of a "thing" going for this guy. If not, then she's got the "hots" for him and doesn't like the idea of anyone else being "competition" for him. The only way to deal with that, seeing as you don't want to give up the job is to not let her know ANYTHING bout your personal life...re your children, re your ex, and re who you get along with right now. (how much info have you shared with her that she might use against you? ie: you mentioned that she already knows you hate "screaming".)

You do ofcourse know I hope, that no employer has the right to be so intrusive in your personal business? (re her checking on you at home?)
And, you have the right to tell her so. Point blank. No explanations! I guess you don't want to because you don't want to lose the job.
(I know you don't want anyone to say "leave the job"..but I think you might want to keep your bases covered, and start investigating other jobs available in your area, and then if you can get one elsewhere, take it! Start looking so at least you can give yourself options. You are worth it aren't you? worth giving yourself choices?

I think on a personal growth level, it might be useful for you to do some work on "boundaries" - setting them! Because this supervisor sounds like she's crossed some. And -sorry to say this - but- you may have let her.
(just google boundaries, there's loads of info out there!)

Re this chap: Well she could be lying about the whole thing. But then again, has it occurred to you he might be playing a double crosser's game? He might well be getting off on the idea that two women are fighting over him? He could be setting you up a bit with some fibs of his own. Make sure you really aren't judging her too harshly - he could be, like a p, setting her up to fire his bullets! She may have acted out of order, but he could be the devious little quiet person at the back of it all too. (something to consider!)

I guess it's hard to figure out whether or not this guy's interest in you, might be the same as yours. After all, in the end, he's just a customer, even though you knew him from the past. How on earth you orchestrate a meeting with him outside your work environment I don't know. Cos if you do, (and if he's a wierdo player in this game too), he could well be saying you are "stalking" him. And if you don't -well ya never know the truth of it.

I would think, as long as you CHOOSE to work for her, then you will never know. It isn't exactly "professional" I suppose to engage (no matter what business you are in) in liason's with paying clients of any business you are working in.

I think you might have to accept that while you choose to work for this person.

No, she doesn't have the right to scream at you, but you know what, she has, and you are staying, and by staying you are in a passive way, saying that it's acceptable.

I can imagine though that you are well exhausted, it's only been a year and a half since the split from the ex right? (the one who was having gay affairs?) and you've had one son who's been in psychiatric care, one daughter who blames you somewhat for the marriage breakdown you went through, and then you've been caring for elderly relatives...man you have been through alot. What kind of support have you had? Could be that there's been so much going on that you have been overloaded and spilling your guts to the wrong people (like this p boss)? or could be too, that you are so lonely and overburdened that this guy might seem like much more attractive than he really is?

I don't know. I just put this out there for you to think through.

I do believe that you need to go slow, and be really gentle with yourself.

Some things that might help: see if there's a massage school or clinic near you so you can organise to get a monthly massage for very cheap rate etc, so you get some physical contact and healthy soothing healing for you. How many friends do you have? Cos you sure need to get out and have some social contact other than these p's etc.

I wish you the best Teri.

Matilda

_________________
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 323

Dear one

I read all this and thought oh dear you are going thru hell here, i know a female P at work,,they are a path of destruction onto themselves, this fellow as matilda stated could very well be a P as well.

Matilda offers some very sound advice,,please keep all options open, to get away from this P,,,she can literally destroy you, and that is the truth, and no Dr, or therapist who do not understand the disorder can help.

I think to add,,I would document everything,,and once you have another job, if yu feel insecure,,right now, take her to the labour board,,once you are out,,expose her,,no one needs this,,and further more,,once you are out,,maybe get some background i bet she has done this to others.

As far are keeping yourself on track right now,,stay away from the two of them ,,,do not disclose anything ever, and do your best to stayaway,,,from him,,as far away as possible, play his game,,just be civil and thats it,,actually encourage a relationship between the two of them,,that might be an alternative,,
You see she wants him,,,so let her know he is there,,and maybe that will get her off your back,,,but Ps are so decietful who knows about getting into their mindset,,its all a brain screw anyway.

I really hope you have friends,,because you need them now,,join a suppot group,,I dont care what kind at this point,,and start exersicing,,it does wonders,,,do whatever you have to do,,to number one think of these two idiots,,and make yourself feel better,,

I really hope you feel better soon, and unfortunately toxic relationships at work can almost destroy us,,I know,,,
sometimes the only resolution is getting out
ocean

wahela11 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 182 Location: Iowa

I think you can be friendly with this guy-professionally friendly. Keep it above board. If he's interested, he'll get in touch with you outside of work.

I agree with everyone above, keep those boundaries up, and don't drop them , especially with the female P. Keep your work and homelife completely separate.

If she's screaming at you, you CAN say, "I'll be back to discuss this when you've settled down." Hard to do, I know.

I wouldn't answer the phone if she calls, I wouldn't mention homelife at all to her. Do your job and walk out the door. Until you can find another job, I agree, these boundaries need to be sky high.

Good luck. I know you've got a lot to deal with now, so sorry that you have this additional stuff to deal with.
_________________
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time, hoping for a different ending

Freezerburned Heart · Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 62

What an awful situation. Is she the sister of your s2bx?

Breathe deeply and imagine that you are breathing all the stress back out and breathing in calmness.

When she sends negativity toward you, imagine a shield and let it deflect right back to her.

Try to avoid anticipating the possibility of bad scenes. Try to keep a "so far so good" attitude and try to avoid stressing until something has actually happened.

Monitor your thoughts about the Ns. If they are direct thoughts like "What is wrong with you?" change them to "What is wrong with her/him?" Direct thoughts travel toward people, and can create a connection, especially if they are thinking about you at that moment. You don't want to be making any unnecessary connections with Ns. Keep a low profile, stay out of their radar as much as possible.

Keep earplugs in your pocket, and put them in your ears when she starts screaming. I do this when my mother gets on a screaming rant. She knows my ears are sensitive, but she feels she has the "right" to scream. It's all about the N.

You could pretend to be sneezing the whole time she is screaming? Then if she questions you about it, just shrug your shoulders and look all innocent. If you can't bring yourself to do something like that, maybe it will lighten your mood to imagine that you are while she is screaming at you.

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

To everyone thankyou for your responses!!

Yes, it kept me awake a few nights wondering if he is a little devious person in the back ground. Terrified that he would be like that thing I married.

When she called the house asking for him..my son had answered..so I called her back. Her excuse was she dialed the "wrong' number. He does contracting work so he had given her a card 2 years ago with a number on it. That day I realized how far she could go.

Yes, I have wondered about her having the "hots" for him, even though she has a great husband (he is) I know she likes to be #1. So much so that not very long ago we were to have a snow storm and she wanted him to "call" her to see if we would be open. (He does snow removal on the side). He yelled at her telling her that no husband wants to see a man calling his wifes cell. She kept pushing for him to take her number and call her until he said if you need plowed out call me leave a message and walked right out the door. That episode took me by surprise.

As far as keeping my life quiet and not telling her anything...she has accused me of not telling her anything. When I first moved to a "different" place I didn't even tell my phone number. I live in a town with all the things I need so I don't have to go to the next town over. Looked up one day and there was her car. She was so far out of her way to shop at a chain pharmacy. To go from her house to here is 45mins. when one is 5 mins from her house. I had seen her several times since then so I moved. This time to a location that is confusing to get to.

I know right now it looks like I am being passive...I have to do what I have to, to keep the wolves away from the door. I am already applying for different work. Thats a start, I think.

As far as orchestrating a meeting out side of there (tells you what a good stalker I am) I had a friend tell me of another place he goes to once in awhile..I have yet to go there. They are closed right now (seasonal) At one point I almost stepped on the brakes one day when I past him just to see if he would turn around and come back. The same friend also pointed out to me that I was such a good stalker that I get my victim to put gas in their vehicle to come to me.

Its the stress of it all, the "lies" the screaming, the wearing the same scent (freaked me out), I changed that one. Nope haven't told anyone that either. Now the massage therapy school thats a thought, thanks for that. I am even checked into going to school for that.(down the road that is)

One thing I have learned is that even though I have friends in the physical sense, that unless they spend time learning about N's and P;s and bi polar they really don't get it.

Thanks everyone!!