sunshine001 wrote:hello!
I'm relatively new here. I have had NC with N for three+ weeks now.
Good for you!!!! You're already through the very hardest part!!!
I understand about being scared that you will get sucked in and break NC. That's my greatest fear as well, though not so much anymore -- years have passed for me, not weeks. But what you're fearing is actually the biggest danger, IMO: not what N does or doesn't do, but what we do in response to it.
There are a couple of things you can do to help. One is to review your NC arrangements, thinking about how he might try to contact you and then plugging any remaining holes. Phone/email/IM/Facebook are obvious. But mutual acquaintances, hanging out where he knows we hang out, bear in mind as well.
A very simple thing you can do that it sounds like you're already doing is just not answering unknown phone calls. Think about extending that to mutual acquaintances, especially if you have not heard from them in a while and they're only now calling just as N gets into town. If he can get mutual "friends" (not the word I would have chosen for such people :) to harass and even threaten you, then unfortunately there may be others he hasn't sicced on you yet. If you let calls from people who haven't contacted you in a while roll to voicemail, and answer them at your convenience, there's far less chance of being caught off guard or sucked into something.
Something that has been of great help to several of us here is, if you have physical evidence of the things N did to you, put them in a box and pull them out when you're feeling tempted. One lady I know had been bankrupted, sucked dry, by her N's fondness for get rich quick schemes. She would no sooner get a little saved than he would withdraw it and throw it at some new scam, thousands of dollars while she was wearing ratty clothes and eating the cheapest food she could find. It went on for years. I can't remember what finally happened, but when she finally got free of him she put all those canceled checks and past due bills and collection letters in a box, and whenever she'd feel the pull of her old charismatic con man, she'd get the box out. Worked like a charm. I recommend the same to you. If you have anything that physically reminds you of the horrors he put you through -- anything from his Match.com profile he was using to pick up other women to the police report you filed when he hit you to pictures or reminders of the friends you lost, whatever causes you pain -- put it in a box of your own. It's out of sight and out of mind until you need it, allowing you to heal, but when you open it... my guess is you won't be tempted anymore.
I honestly think, as uncomfortable as your concern must be, that it's a great sign and proof of mental health. People who give their power away willingly, or don't believe they have any power, don't have worries like you do! That you are concerned to begin with says that you know you have power, you know you have choices. And that puts you a few steps ahead of where a lot of us begin. Feel free to examine your own desires, the part of you that wants closure, the part of you that still loves. You're a loving person and you can't just turn that off; it's still there. So in the safety of your NC, let it all out. Do what grieving is still there, knowing that closure is impossible with Ns, but that your desire for it is absolutely legitimate and life-affirming. It's not bad that part of you still wants him; it's bad that he was totally unworthy of the honor. So don't beat yourself up because you feel what you're feeling, okay?
Good luck!!! You're on the right road!!! Don't give up and don't give in!!!
"Pete, it's a fool looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart." -- Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where Art Thou
