Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Narcissist that is.. Okay, maybe not a full blown one, lol! But I have most definitely gotten a little more cold hearted, which isn't so lol-able. Or perhaps I am just more in tune with my needs. You decide.

So here's my story for those of you not familiar with my tale of woe..

I was with a man whom I believe to be a N/P. He was terrible to me in every way imaginable and at the end of the relationship I was left with nothing. No self esteem/money/ nothing! I was broken...Big time! So I went to counseling, did/am trying to do everything to make myself healthier and gain a better perspective of my needs and how to achieve them.

Fast forward one year.

I date a man who has been a friend of mine for the last three years, and we have been "together" for the last six months. So basically, six months after my trip through hell and many hours of counseling, I hooked up with this guy thinking I am ready. Ha! And ha! Anyway....

Everything started out good enough. He opened doors for me, showered me with compliments, and did everything to win my heart. So I gave it to him.....Or so I thought. Come to find out, he's been hitting on all sorts of women, telling them how sexy they are and letting his sexual desires be known to them. So I dump him. I said good day to you sir! And you know what? I feel nothing! Nothing at all. I could really careless. Which begs the question...

Shouldn't I care? Shouldn't I feel betrayed? Be upset? Something? I feel nothing! I spent 6 months of my life with this man, and 3 years with him as a friend, and yet...nothing!

Hi Stacey,

It sounds as if your counseling was valuable enough that you regained some pretty sound self-esteem...which is a cause for celebration! The very fact that you're worried about your reaction would indicate that you aren't "becoming" an N or P. Maybe it is one of those situations where it will come out and bother you later, or maybe you simply don't want to take the crap anymore and would prefer to be with a healthy individual who treats you well. In which case, there's really no reason to lose sleep over someone who didn't - good riddance! Taking care of yourself is not "cold-hearted." It's a sign of mental and emotional health.

However, if you broke up with this man very recently, you might be in kind of a state of shock where you aren't feeling anything yet, and some upset might come out later. I'm not an expert, but I would say it's a very natural reaction that we have for self-protection. When I found out my husband of five years was cheating on me and I ended the relationship, I felt very little for several months - and then all the emotion came to the surface. I'm not trying to compare the situations, and maybe you detached yourself emotionally long before you showed him the door - but I think I reacted that way because I knew I really did need to end a bad marriage and I kind of mentally "shut down" in order to ensure I didn't second-guess myself at the time.

At any rate, big hugs and good riddance to this man - you deserve better.

You aren't one. :)

You are growing.

And is it feasible that you weren't in love with this man - so the huge painful drama just isn't there for you? That coupled with you truly know you can survive anything - well, sounds like you are doing great!

Sometimes we don't need to know why as much as being grateful for what is. Thank God (or the chair or whatever you choose to thank) that you don't have the heartache!!!

You are doing awesome.

I agree with Knoxy. Clearly, you weren't emotionally invested in this person. Good thing, too!

I think you're growing too--maybe you are having a healthier reaction this time around--seeing that his bad behavior just shows you needn't mourn losing him.

Also, it strikes me that perhaps this BF was just a case of the notorious rebound syndrome. A lot of people get into fairly meaningless "rebound" relationships after a rough breakup. The thing about rebound relationships is, to the person in one, they usually don't realize it's a rebound. They think the relationship is meaningful, when often it's really just filling a void, or plastering over hurt feelings left by the jerk who broke your heart. People often seem to snap out of rebound relationships with dizzying speed, when the reboundiness wears off. I've had it happen to me and I've seen it all too often...so much so that I always advise friends to stay far far away from anyone who's still showing any symptoms of being not quite over a bad breakup or divorce. Let them date someone else first, and get that rebound out of their system.

I am sure you aren't becoming an N. Please don't worry yourself. I am not an expert, but I'm gathering that it's impossible to become an N late in life. It seems to be something that arises from not developing a conscience early in life. I do think people can become bitter and mean (neither of which you've indicated), but that's not the same thing, and I don't think people can turn N as adults, judging from what I've read about the disorder, here and elsewhere.

Thank you all for your insight and taking the time to reply my silliness . I guess I'm not really a narcissist after all But it did strike me as odd that I feel no regret, anger, loss, anything. It was just very matter of fact for me. In fact,(Because I'm all about facts these days ) when I discovered he was being inappropriate with others, I simply called him up and told him I was done. But he wasn't. He pleaded with me, asked for the opportunity to explain himself, apologized, confessed his love, etc.... and I just let him ramble on. Then finally at the end of "his" conversation with me, I said no thank you. And I was cold, but not hateful, I suppose indifferent would be a better way to describe it.

Anyway, he obviously wasn't the one for me and I'm good with it. I'm really good with it, frighteningly good

If you have become one.....which I don't think you are...you wouldn't admit it....at least they generally don't. ;)

I read the other posts and agree some growth is taking place...however is this new "esteem" perhaps defensiveness ?? feel like you need protection from something ?? something to prove after he discarded you ?? just playing devils advocate here...to encourage thought....about yourself.

Lack of emotions or as you indicated "not feeling" could be a number of things....could be that you have not healed yet and are not ready to engage in an emotional or intimate relationship..could be a complete emotional shut down so as not to get hurt again....or maybe you do not like this guy...the way someone should when in an intimate relationship and your feelings are telling you that.....

I think in many ways we (survivors) never really paid attention to what WE wanted or needed or what our gut said....it was always about them (NP).

A natural response to being disinterested in someone is...feeling nothing.....like detachment ?? which is very good, it means you gut is working....you just have to recognize it when you feel it....

I have been away from the NP almost 6yrs..in that time I tried to date....felt much the same way as you...I have purposely not dated for the last 2.5yrs simply because I know that I am not fully engaged with others.....I am still healing as we speak....its not fair to them or myself for that matter.

I just think you need to ask yourself...why am I in this relationship...why do I feel the way I do....internal exploration of oneself.. is so important.....and not just the exploration but the understanding of what you find within.

I wish you all the best. :)

Stacyjo wrote:Thank you all for your insight and taking the time to reply my silliness . I guess I'm not really a narcissist after all But it did strike me as odd that I feel no regret, anger, loss, anything. It was just very matter of fact for me. In fact,(Because I'm all about facts these days ) when I discovered he was being inappropriate with others, I simply called him up and told him I was done.

Wow, you are definitley NOT an N! Please dont tell yourself that one. A normal person feels regret for something that they did wrong, i.e, they made a mistake. However, you did NOT make a mistake here, this was absolutely the right thing to do and you knew it from the bottom of your heart, so this is wy you feelno regret and no loss. Not evil in one bit.

Very well done!

Hiya Staceyjo, Holy Cr*p no you havent become an N. You're doing just great!

Soon as you found out he crossed your boundaries, you dealt with it and ditched him - brilliant. You did the right thing by yourself and thats awesome.

Hi there! I am so proud of you! You are not becoming a narcissist. Instead you are becoming a person who recognizes unhealthy behaviour and responds accordingly. I am so proud of you!

Here's an idea for a reason you don't feel as badly as you expected to feel: Perhaps your sub-conscious recognized some very subtle signals from this guy. Your sub-conscious might have known all along and might have been protecting you at the deepest levels of your heart.

You did the completely correct thing--even down to letting him have "his" conversation with you. --These people are impossible to set straight...or even interrupt. So you let him jabber, but did not let him change your mind. Good job!

Thanks again for everyone's support and kind words. I've come to realize that I spend much more time questioning myself and others than I ever did in the past. Which I think is good, but at the same time, a little foreign to me. So yeah, I do think I'm growing, and I know I am, as I actually have boundaries now and defend them. I'm on boarder patrol 24/7...LOL!

Anyway, the guy I was with wasn't a bad guy per say, he just had a strong need to be with everything that walked. Oh well.... Next! Just kidding! I'm going to take some time for myself, maybe I'll buy me something pretty.
Hope you all have a great day!

Oh well.... Next! Just kidding! I'm going to take some time for myself, maybe I'll buy me something pretty.
Hope you all have a great day!

LOL - Go and get yourself something beautiful - you're going to be just fine...have a great day yourself!