Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

This morning I went to court because my ex-husband contested a restraining order I had against him. He's surely an N, probably a P. He's being invetigated for molesting our daughter. We have along history of domestic violence. (Him being violent.) That's another story.

If you know me, you know that every 6 months or so, my mom tries to get custody of my 12-year-old. My mom hated parenting her own kids, so why she wants one of mine, I do not know.

Today in court, my ex said that he spoke with my mom, and she said that she wanted my kid because my kid has problems because I'm a bad mom.

So, my mom and my ex are bleeping allies!? They're friends?!

This is why she told me not to get a restraining order.

Unbelieveable.

What am I supposed to think?

I'm so mad at her. Again, still.

Hi Spaced,
I don't know that I have any good ideas here, but after reading your post I couldn't NOT post back to you in encouragement and support. I can't believe your situation and that your mother and ex are collaborating against you!

It sounds from what you've described that you have more than enough on the record for you to not have to worry about your ex getting custody. But with regards to your mother, it SUCKS that you have to revisit the custody issue every six months. I was particularly concerned that my parents would try to sue me for visitation when I went NC with my NF... Turns out it's very hard for grandparents to win this kind of case (nearly impossible). Have you looked into the legalities of what she's trying to do just so you don't need to worry about it? Knowing the law helped me be a lot less worried.

If she drags you into court for custody issues, is there any way you could counter her for emotional pain and suffering? I'm not sure how it works, but I don't even know you and I want them to leave you the heck alone. There are some people on this board who've had to use legal means in cases like this - I imagine they'd be really helpful to you.

But regardless, know that someone else here is outraged for you and is here to support you.

Best,
GH

Oh, spacedoubt...I am so sorry. I think that this is the most f---ed up thing I have ever heard of. I don't know what to say but want to offer you hugs.
Hang in there.
Kiersten

Gettinghappy wrote:Hi Spaced,
I don't know that I have any good ideas here, but after reading your post I couldn't NOT post back to you in encouragement and support. I can't believe your situation and that your mother and ex are collaborating against you!

It sounds from what you've described that you have more than enough on the record for you to not have to worry about your ex getting custody. But with regards to your mother, it SUCKS that you have to revisit the custody issue every six months. I was particularly concerned that my parents would try to sue me for visitation when I went NC with my NF... Turns out it's very hard for grandparents to win this kind of case (nearly impossible). Have you looked into the legalities of what she's trying to do just so you don't need to worry about it? Knowing the law helped me be a lot less worried.

If she drags you into court for custody issues, is there any way you could counter her for emotional pain and suffering? I'm not sure how it works, but I don't even know you and I want them to leave you the heck alone. There are some people on this board who've had to use legal means in cases like this - I imagine they'd be really helpful to you.

But regardless, know that someone else here is outraged for you and is here to support you.

Best,
GH

Thanks for your reassurance. I wrote that first post in a hurry because I was livid and in shock. So, my mom says that my daughter struggles with epilepsy and depression because I am a bad parent. I am doing everything needs to be done for my daughter, taking good care of her. My mother tells people that my daughter's health problems are because of neglect on my part. As I have said in other threads, I have epilepsy, is that my mom's fault?

I do everything Ifor my daughter.

So, my mom hasn't taken me to court, she has been sneaky. She lied to doctors and a therapist, and a school, saying that my daughter was going to live with her because I am inept.

She doesn't have the money to take me to court, and medical records, etc, would show that I take care of my kid.

My ex, on the other hand, has been VERY violent, had a meth problem, didn't know how old our kids were in court, and has been accused by the youngest of molesting her.

After everything that we have been through, with my ex, I am stunned that my mom would take his side and talk to him behind my back.

Kierstenanon wrote:Oh, spacedoubt...I am so sorry. I think that this is the most f---ed up thing I have ever heard of. I don't know what to say but want to offer you hugs.
Hang in there.
Kiersten

Thanks for the hugs and support. I guess, in a way, my mom is just telling me, in no uncertain terms, what kind of person she really is. I mean, I knew, but...wow.

I really wish that I could just move far away, change my name, and start over. If I didn't have kids, that's what I'd do.

So sorry for your situation Spacedoubt.

In regards to epilepsy....I've read the condition can be related to grain consumption. Gluten intolerance.

I have a dog with thyroid disease. I've done lots of reseach. Came across a website by a vet that said he completely eliminated seizures in dogs by getting rid of grain laden foods.

Type in dogtorj.com.....and read. But don't take his word for it....always cross reference.

Peace be to you.....gtmi

goingtomakeit wrote:So sorry for your situation Spacedoubt.

In regards to epilepsy....I've read the condition can be related to grain consumption. Gluten intolerance.

I have a dog with thyroid disease. I've done lots of reseach. Came across a website by a vet that said he completely eliminated seizures in dogs by getting rid of grain laden foods.

Type in dogtorj.com.....and read. But don't take his word for it....always cross reference.

Peace be to you.....gtmi

I have scar tissue in one of my temporal lobes from a high fever that I had as a baby. We're still trying to figure out why my dd has seizures. Our family is predisposed to epilepsy, though. Believe me, if it were as simple as a food alergy, our lives would be much easier. There are many kids of epilepsy. One third of people with seizures have 'refractory' or 'intractable' epilepsy, which means that their seizures aren't controlled with medication. That's the situation for me and my dd.

I think it's safe to say that my mom's an Avenger.

spacedoubt wrote:I think it's safe to say that my mom's an Avenger.

Your mother is an evil snake. She'd willing put her grandchildren in danger, with a probable child sex offender, who beats women. Just to have her own way.

Could your ex be lying to score points?

Sorry you are going through this. No one should have to spend their days, wondering what sort of stress, the ex's and family members are going to cause them, for the next few years. I hope the N's, get hit by Karma, hard.

Hi Space,

I can't give much advice for your instance with the court issues, but I can give you sympathy and understanding regarding the ally part. My NM did the same exact thing when my ex and I split up almost 4 years ago. He got invited to holiday dinners, I didn't. He was invited on vacations, I wasn't. She took his side for everything, he was blameless in the decline of our marriage, outbursts with our kids, my fault. She also went to my kids schools and talked to them about god knows what. I never heard a word from them. I finally took her name off the emg. contact records last year and her info isn't on there this year either. Now if she walks in the schools, she has no business being there. Her info is also off any outside activities as well (scouts etc). I'm also lucky because my ex sees her crazy behavior now and is helping me to try and protect our kids... finally.

It is mind boggling and painful that the people that are supposed to love us find yet another way to twist the knife. I'm sorry you are going through this. Trust yourself, do what you must to protect yourself and your kids. Believe in you. And what are you supposed to think? That she's found a way to hurt you, for whatever sick reason, by talking to him. She knows this is one of your buttons and she is getting the reaction she wants. Maybe she wants you to beg and plead not to talk to him, or not do whatever (sorry, thinking out loud here for my own NM as well here). So maybe if you don't show her any reactions to her face, her plan(s) might go away??? (when I stopped showing my NM her behavior bothered me, she stopped and moved elsewhere, now that I think about things, lol. but that is my NM) It's like the more I fought for her to love me, the more she treated me like crap. Now that I really don't care, and continue LC, she leaves us alone.

I wish you some peace Space. I've been in your shoes so many times and boy does it hurt. Hang in there! Big hugs.

Thanks.

I can't believe your mom invited your ex to holidays, etc. That's just so evil.

The way I feel right now, I don't even want to talk to her. Nothing good ever comes from it. I'm afraid of what I would say.

Hi again Spacedoubt,

I hear you about the different types of epilepsy and the lack of control with medication.

Still....check out DogtorJ. There's a lot more to what he says than a simple "food allergy." Lectins, seratonin levels, glial cells, glutamate/aspartate....all relating to epilepsy. It's complicated but very enlightening.

I'm curious...do you find the seizures occur more during the fall and winter?

Hugs to you and DD. Wishing you health and peace.

gtmi

Hi Space,

I just wanted to offer big hugs what a terrible position to be in

I hope your feeling a bit better today,

Thoughts for youxxx

spacedoubt wrote:This morning I went to court because my ex-husband contested a restraining order I had against him. He's surely an N, probably a P. He's being invetigated for molesting our daughter. We have along history of domestic violence. (Him being violent.) That's another story.

If you know me, you know that every 6 months or so, my mom tries to get custody of my 12-year-old. My mom hated parenting her own kids, so why she wants one of mine, I do not know.

Today in court, my ex said that he spoke with my mom, and she said that she wanted my kid because my kid has problems because I'm a bad mom.

So, my mom and my ex are bleeping allies!? They're friends?!

This is why she told me not to get a restraining order.

Unbelieveable.

What am I supposed to think?

I'm so mad at her. Again, still.

First up you have to find a quiet space and work out a good solid plan. The worst thing about Narc's is that they are so damn infuriating. Everything about them screams unfair and outrageous. They are the original button pushers.

So if you possibly can, try and remain calm and find people that can help you keep your balance and help you deal with these two people.

Try and not dwell on the maddening things that they do, they want to get under your skin, they want you angry - that way you are more likely to make a mistake.

Spacedoubt, I seem to remember you posting a while back that your NM is a regular user of marijuana, and there were some issues regarding her use of it in front of your kids? I don't remember the details, but I have to say this very frankly:

Now is the time.

You can report it anonymously, you can report it personally, you can do whatever you need to do, but if she is arrested for possession she won't be getting custody anytime soon.

I really hate-hate-hate even saying this, because I have nothing against the weed and have known many gentle people whose lives were ruined for no good reason by a pot bust. But they weren't trying to take my kids away from me, either!!!

If there is any doubt in your mind that you might lose custody of your child, don't hesitate. Report it, or get a friend to, or do it anonymously. I know it's not nice. But it's a lot nicer than losing your daughter to her. Now is the time.

Good luck to you!!!!

Hi Space,

Just wanting to know how you're doing and how things are going.

Notes

Hi Spacedoubt,

I know what you are going through - the intense sense of disbelief, the gut wrenching feeling of betrayal. Been there with my nmom in a similar situation. She was angry at me for setting boundaries so she called my ex husband (we went through a terrible 3 year divorce and had only recently been on good terms), his sister, and even my Pastor (who refused to take her call She tried to suggest that I was behaving strangely, wouldn't let her in the house, wouldn't let her see my daughter - generallly trying to get ex husband stirred up enough to fight or call DCF or try to get custody. He didn't believe her, nor did his sister. I've been NC ever since.

My ex told me he had no interest in getting into another fight with me, which is good, and also that she had been saying things to him when we were married... little comments, little digs. An old boyfriend once told me he couldn't believe the way my mother talked about me behind my back. I thought he was lying to try to separate me from my family. Psycho that he was, he was being honest about that. For years she sought to discourage me from good choices, to sabotage good things in my life, to demean, corrupt, and to ruin... all with a smile on her face. For years. Now, I am free.

Despite the fact this kind of thing is horribly traumatic, it could end up being the best thing that ever could have happened. It was for me. Here's why:

1. I was instantly set free from any delusions I had about my mother. All my fears and suspicions were confirmed: she really WOULD hurt me! She really was out to get me! She really would try to ruin any happiness I had! Yes! I saw the truth, and yes, it set me free. Despite the pain, you are in a very good situation in that respect.

You no longer have to doubt your perceptions! Did you ever feel that you were the crazy one? I bet she used your epilepsy against you, too, in that respect.

2. You now no longer have any obligation to interact with her. How can you continue interactions with someone who would willingly and knowingly try to hurt you and your daughter? No Contact becomes a doable option now. Now you have reason to go NC and to stay NC. It was one of the BEST things that has ever happened to me - a chance for freedom and to build my life in a healthy, safe way.

Please, please do not let your illness be a reason to stay in touch with her.

3. You can now protect your child from her. The blessing in that alone is beyond belief. I no longer have the stress of trying to shield my daughter from nmom's nasty behavior and manipulations. This a major boost for both DD and I. DD said I no longer seem so stressed out or angry! wow!

4. This sounds strange, but in time you might find an improvement in your overall health and in the nature of your epilepsy. The stress of interacting with a malignant narcissist is absolutely incredible. It can affect your whole being - body, mind, soul, spirit.... you may find, after a period of rest and recouperation and being good to yourself and experiencing the grief and the anger, that you actually have an improvement in your symptoms. Stress aggrivates all kinds of health conditions - it stands to reason that it could be aggrivating this, too.

Consider the burden that you carried mentally: somewhere inside of yourself, you knew your own mother was capable of hurting you, of deliberately and knowingly hurting you. That is a mental burden that most people cannot even conceive of. It goes against the grain of everything we believe in - mother love and all those good things. Not loving one's own child is bizarre and aberrant and I say, evil. For years, you have been carrying this huge tremendous load.

You no longer have to.

Please consider NC - with a malignant narcissist, it's the only way. Not all narcissists are malignant narcissists. When you have someone who would knowingly hurt you, you have to reevaluate everything in your life relating to that person. She won't change, either, not really. They can act nice to win you back but you'll be sucked right back into the game.

My former brother in law has severe epilepsy. For years, they said nothing could be done. His behavior and overall health degenerated profoundly and now? HE'S ALMOST NORMAL! Seriously! with the continual development of new drugs and treatments, you don't know what's around the corner. Noone would have believed this of him, but it's true and I've seen the change in him myself. They finally found a drug, a new one, that worked for him.

You hang in there and don't lose heart.
Keep us posted on how you are doing!

Spacedoubt,
I had to add this:

Narcissists get really wierd over grandkids. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to seal that woman out of your life. My daughter is much happier now we don't have to interact with nmom. Yours will be too.

Any time that woman is in your life, she will be gathering information to use against you. Remember that. She has proven she WILL try to take your child from you. Never ever trust her again.

Also, please document any and all information about her that you can.

Best wishes to you!!

spacedoubt wrote:Today in court, my ex said that he spoke with my mom, and she said that she wanted my kid because my kid has problems because I'm a bad mom.

Do you or does he have proof that she actually said this? He may be lying or trying to manipulate you, knowing that she is that way, and using her for his own ends. Just be wary of anything he says and try to test it.

I've been there. My NM talks to, takes up for and helps my ex but only if I can't stand him. Whenever we're getting along he's the lowest snake to slide across the earth. SMH I just remind him from time to time if he teams up with her and actually gets me out of the way she will immeditally turn on him! That always gets him to stand down. lol. Another thing I've noticed is they take turns in attacking me because while 1s attacking the other is trying to be an aili. I hope your situation gets better soon! It doesn't sound like your Ns are like mines in that way but if they are step out of the way and 1 will pick the other off for you :)