Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

When trying to get away from N mother I met the socialpath father of my child. Anyway we keep going to court for the same things and the courts aren't doing ANYTHING! I'm so sick of this. He won't pay child support on time but pays the right amounts or via versa and when he doesn't the judge locks him up and talks mess about how bad a parent he is. He won't visit the child even though he has joint custody. But if I go file for full custody he wants to be a father. It only last 3 months at a time then he's gone again. The last time we went to court he didn't even try to defend himself and his own lawyer sat there shacking his head. When it was time for the ruling the judge said I FILED THE WRONG PAPERS AND TO WAIT!!! A FEW MORE MONTHS AND GIVE HIM YET ANOTHER (5TH) CHANCE TO BE A BETTER FATHER!

Between my mother and him I've been bad mouthed so bad here I'm having a hard time getting a job and was harrassed into dropping out of school (although I went back just to a different school). The judge knows Im in school but I can't figure out why I can't have cutody of my baby (age 5). Any advice or similar situations?

Are you using an atty? Or are you on your own in court?

Either way, document document document his behaviors to really show the pattern. Keep a journal of when he misses payments, misses visitations and the like. If you have an atty, make sure to provide copies to the atty and tell him/her that this needs to be presented as pattern of behavior showing that unless he's being dragged into court, he has no real interest in the child. There are no guarantees though, that even with the proof of pattern of behavior, that the judge will stop giving him chances.

As far as the courts giving second chances (third, fourth, fifth....etc)...they are trying to keep fathers in the children's lives and will bend over backwards to do so. I am sure that there are many who will disagree with me but it has indeed been a trend now for some years and is happening in response to the "disappearing father" over so many years past. It has also lead to the rise of presumption of joint physical and joint legal custody unless proven otherwise that one of the parents is not fit enough and courts are loathe to change that. They will also never admit that they've made a mistake and will try and make a bad sitch work no matter if it doesn't make sense.

My non-profession, non-legal, just life experience advice to you is to document, to save all emails, to find out if your state allows for one-party recording of calls, and get that hard proof of his constant behavior.

my experience is contrary, although everyone's situation is different. Going through the legal system to fight an N is exhausting, sometimes pointless and maybe dangerous. By their very nature they love the conflict, they feed off of it. That's probably why your ex keeps stringing things out. he DOESN'T want to be a father, he only wants to still have some measure of control in your life, and this is the only way he can do it.

The lawyers only care about getting paid and looking good. The judges and general court systems are slow to recognize an abuser and pathological liar, always thinking it's best to give them a chance. If your own mother doesn't even support you and what you have been doing is not getting the results you want, it's time to think of a new strategy.

That's my advice, for what it's worth. I've been fighting an 18 month long custody battle and every month that goes by gives him more time to think of new ways to make my life hell. If I give in, I may never see my kids again. He doesn't want them, he wants to punish me.

I hope things work out for you soon.

I have been documenting and even had him sign them. That's when the judge said I filed the wrong papers as he hung his head in shame like he deserves to feel. That jerk didn't bathe my child all weekend and put the mud stained playclothes back on her all weekend. We haven't heard from him since. I'm going to contact a lawyer in the morning. I just want to cover every angle possible. I don't have the strangth to keep doing this. I'm trying to start over but can't do that here. I just know if he finds out we left he'll have us draged back here even if it doesnt amount to anything just for giggles. Thank you both. Rebeccajoy08 I really hope things work out for you as well.

You DO have the strength to do this! You really do! You just don't know it yet.

As far as the lack of bathing and dirty clothes...while that is certainly objectionable, unless it is causing illness or harm the courts aren't going to care too much about that unless it's used in the context of him not caring about anything. Frustrating to us, but I have heard lots of stories where the judge asks the complaining parent if he/she would have the same reaction if it were grandma/grandpa who did this very same thing.

I wish you all the best and please keep us posted!

804gurl,

You have been given some excellent advise here.

Regarding the clothes, I can totally relate to this. For a period of time, I think my ExN was literally putting all our daughter's clothes in a mud hole before he returned them to me. On another N forum, a woman once posted that she went out and bought several of the same outfits for her child. When the N would return an item ruined, she would simply send an exact duplicate the next visit, over and over again. Finally the N confronted her about the clothes and she said, well do you want to keeping screwing with me? It was a funny story but in all honestly, if it doesn't directly affect your children's immediate health and well-being, the court isn't going to want to hear about it, and any reaction you give the N will be N supply for him. So, ignore anything you can possibly overlook. Anything that truly places your child at risk, document and get third parties witnesses involved if you can.

lol, that's a funny story. N's hate it when they get a taste of their own medicine. My exn would never send the kids back in the clothes I sent them in, so I started shopping at the thrift store and sending them in those. Finally after about 9 months my son tells me "Dad wants to know why we always come to him in raggedy clothes." I laughed and said "Because when I send you guys in good clothes he keeps them." I don't have to worry about it so much any more.

I contacted a lawyer last week. He told me he doesn't see the judge changing his mind but to go back to court anyway and hope. He told me if he's not coming around anyway what's the point of him not having custody. I'm thinking of just leaving and starting over somewhere else. Nobody's helping me! I told the lawyer about the harassment and he said the judge wont care because it's not about me it's about her. He hasn't been heard from in months but I know if I leave he will find out and he will do any and everything he can think of to find us and bring us back! When my NM came by last month (Im staying with my aunt) and tryied to start a physical fight with me in my legal residence my aunt wouldn't make her leave. I called a shelter and told them my situation and they told me all the beds were taken. Ah I know this is off subject but I can't stay here for Thanksgiving she'll be here. How do you escape these people?