Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

The holidays are always a difficult time for me. I'm starting this thread so that we can support each other through the holiday season. Those of you who are no contact during the holidays for the first time especially need to take care of yourselves. (((hugs)))

I keep as much stress and pressure off me as possible, which helps a lot. I'm NC with my family so I only have to deal with the in laws.

The in laws never make plans until the last minute and expect us to accommodate whatever they want at the last minute. For example, MIL has not mentioned Thanksgiving at all. Anyone else deal with that? They like to go to a ranch and we usually decline that invitation. My kids hate to go to the middle of nowhere (with cows and no internet connection).

Usually, during any family gathering, they pretty much don't talk to me so I just hang out (often with a book). I'm going deaf so this relieves me of having to educate them about what I need to communicate. I don't think that they understand. Every person generally limits themselves to their own self-absorbed subject (in which I'm usually not interested beyond a few minutes). Usually no fun but not a horrible experience either.

I'm really thinking about just skipping the holidays this year. I'll have a tree for my 14 y.o. son, and some decorations, but I'm not planning on going anywhere. I told my BF I was not doing Christmas day at his sister's house. His kids have gotten into some pretty serious trouble this past year involving drugs, and I can't sit there pretending they're these sweet perfect angels while my bf's sister and mother fawn all over them. Maybe this will be the first holiday season where there's no big, fake charade.

Yup, here we go... let's get this party started

Always a tough time of year. November is always difficult for me and I don't know why. This will be the first Christmas I am NC with the NM and others, and I thought I might feel badly about it, but so far no. I feel badly, but not about that!

My thoughts are with all of you. At least we know and admit that holidays are hard for us. That in itself is an accomplishment sometimes.

I was gettin all bummed about the holidays, but I was feeling pretty good today back to usually happy self since declaring NC. This is first time complete NC with NM and NSIL for holidays. So I just thought about it today, and felt real good - we are gonna have our own fun dammit!! Just me, hubby and daughter, and 2 nitwit doggies! Let's have fun, let's party, just enjoy like kids are supposed to do. Relive childhood - it's not about presents. It's about fun. YEAH for us!

And hang out with hubby's bro and SIL, which we dont see very often. We've had issues, but whatever

Anyway, make it happy, play games, go places. Setup and play Nintenco Wii that we will be buying for ourselves.

Good thing I just thought of, in place of all crap we buy for people, we are gonna spend more on our church's giving tree and buy good stuff for those who need, not for people who have way too much and don't need it anyway.

Hurray for me!!!!!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!

Screw guilt, I'm a miracle!

This is a great thread ! Thanks for starting it.
Having holidays the way you want once going NC with Nfamily is just the best thing. Being able to celebrate however you choose, with the people you love and want to spend that time with, or by yourself having quiet time, whatever, is all good.
You can create your own new customs, cook a totally different meal, and no Ns or Ps to sneer, complain, insult, cause arguments. No ghastly N presents. Invite friends rather than Nfamily, pamper your pooch, cuddle your kitty, call up your best girlfriend. Even spending the time alone is a hundred times better than having Ns around.

My NMom is long dead. She's a fortunate exception to all those long-lived Ns. But this year, I'll be having holidays without the XN/P, or his NMom and EF, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Maybe I should start a similar thread in the general Ns forum, for those of us recovering who will be spending the holiday without an N/P ex-partner.

Thanks, Aardvark, for starting this thread! Holidays are hard for me, too. Y'all on here are just the greatest, and I'm so thankful this forum is here for us! Thinking back on holidays past, putting up with P's & N's, I prefer to stay home. Still, it's hard. I guess because in our culture, we're raised with this idea of the white picket fence holidays, and it just isn't like that.

axle wrote:Having holidays the way you want once going NC with Nfamily is just the best thing. Being able to celebrate however you choose, with the people you love and want to spend that time with, or by yourself having quiet time, whatever, is all good.
You can create your own new customs, cook a totally different meal, and no Ns or Ps to sneer, complain, insult, cause arguments. No ghastly N presents. Invite friends rather than Nfamily, pamper your pooch, cuddle your kitty, call up your best girlfriend. Even spending the time alone is a hundred times better than having Ns around.

This will be our first NC holiday season. In my FOO, all of the family "celebrations" (and I use that term loosely) start in November. Both of my sisters' birthdays are this month, then Thanksgiving, then our wedding anniversary at the beginning of December, then Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and NM's birthday -- all within a three-month stretch. Now, please don't get me wrong: I am SO RELIEVED to be NC with the family. They are toxic and I know that. But, looking ahead to the next few months, it sure does seem like a vast barren landscape. All of the familiar landmarks are now missing, and I (and DH -- thank God for him) have to find our own way. Celebrate the holidays the way I want? This probably sounds pathetic, but I just don't know what that is yet! We don't even have our usual church involvement this year -- we felt inclined to separate ourselves from our church home this summer due to unrealistic expectations, gossip, and the presence of proxies (some folks who knew NM and keep in contact with her). So, we're really drifting this year. And I'm trying to be OK with that. Trying.

"Cuddle your kitty" -- Axle, we have four so we'll definitely be doing a lot of that!

festinalente wrote: This will be our first NC holiday season. In my FOO, all of the family "celebrations" (and I use that term loosely) start in November. Both of my sisters' birthdays are this month, then Thanksgiving, then our wedding anniversary at the beginning of December, then Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and NM's birthday -- all within a three-month stretch. Now, please don't get me wrong: I am SO RELIEVED to be NC with the family. They are toxic and I know that. But, looking ahead to the next few months, it sure does seem like a vast barren landscape. All of the familiar landmarks are now missing, and I (and DH -- thank God for him) have to find our own way. Celebrate the holidays the way I want? This probably sounds pathetic, but I just don't know what that is yet! We don't even have our usual church involvement this year -- we felt inclined to separate ourselves from our church home this summer due to unrealistic expectations, gossip, and the presence of proxies (some folks who knew NM and keep in contact with her). So, we're really drifting this year. And I'm trying to be OK with that. Trying.

"Cuddle your kitty" -- Axle, we have four so we'll definitely be doing a lot of that!

Aw, festinalente. Cats are good. It's not pathetic, I remember it was hard to know where to start, and it took a few years of visiting friends or just ignoring the festivities before I got my own holiday celebrations going. I still sometimes choose not to 'do' Xmas. And I never cook a turkey, always something else.

But it sounds as though you do have landmarks to make your own, with your DH : Thanksgiving, your wedding anniversary, Xmas, New Year, your birthday. Maybe quietly, just the two of you, just doing what seems like fun or comforting at the time. I'm sure it will become clearer.

I posted something like this on another thread.

The holidays were always "holy days of obligation." Glad that's over with. Looking forward to cooking my own meal and enjoying my own home without any obligation.

NC is great, but is pretty annoying at times. I'll live.

Happy NC Holidays!!!!

axle wrote:Having holidays the way you want once going NC with Nfamily is just the best thing. Being able to celebrate however you choose, with the people you love and want to spend that time with, or by yourself having quiet time, whatever, is all good.
You can create your own new customs, cook a totally different meal, and no Ns or Ps to sneer, complain, insult, cause arguments. No ghastly N presents. Invite friends rather than Nfamily, pamper your pooch, cuddle your kitty, call up your best girlfriend. Even spending the time alone is a hundred times better than having Ns around..

AMEN!!!!

This is my first holiday NC!

This is the first holiday where my little family and I can really enjoy and celebrate the significance and joy of Christmas without the pressure of being patronized or criticized or whatever.

There will be pressure from them, to be sure. But to not have that maternal control and pressure weighing on me, oh, it sounds heavenly.

yes, cuddling cats and dogs is good.

goingtomakeit wrote:\
The holidays were always "holy days of obligation."

haha! so true!

Some of the things I'm doing this holiday season:

a vacation somewhere i want to go, with my husband
a christmas choral concert
the symphony
a baroque music concert (love baroque music)

tacos for christmas! yeah!

I want to offer all of you my support too. Holiday season is an emotional time of all of us, whether we're going it alone or dealing with the stress of seeing Narc families or extended families.

We planned a 4 night vacation this Christmas, now we can't get roped into anything. I'll be turning 39 again when we're away too:)

I'm a musical kinda guy and a lifelong Joe Walsh fan, so I thought I'd share this with my dear friends here: http://www.mtv.com/videos/joe-walsh/46823/the-confessor.jhtml. The video speaks to the deepest depths of my soul (and has for years), maybe it will for you, too. Watch it full screen so you don't miss anything.

For those who have trouble picking the lyrics out of rock songs, the last stanza is:

Take all the trauma, drama, comments,
The guilt and doubt and shame,
The what if's and if only's,
The shackles and the chains,
The violence and aggression,
The pettiness and scorn,
The jealousy and hatred,
The tempest and discord,
And give it up!

I hope this does for others what it's done for me. Be well, my friends.

Take all the trauma, drama, comments,
The guilt and doubt and shame,
The what if's and if only's,
The shackles and the chains,
The violence and aggression,
The pettiness and scorn,
The jealousy and hatred,
The tempest and discord,
And give it up!

How lovely. This needs to go on my 'fridge.

I told my family I refuse to spend the holidays with with NM and would be spending them feeding the homeless this year. And Im taking my child with me!

How's everyone holding up so far?

I'm starting to panic a bit. Things seem to be piling up on me. My husband wants to take a trip and even though he found a lovely hotel I feel like I have to take care of all the arrangements. This is out of habit, I think. I did not know that for so long I had to control so much until recently I stopped! Thank heaven I never had children! I will have to talk to him about this.

Work is ultra stressful and I am overwhelmed. I feel bound to fail and every day I go in expecting someone to yell at me. Instead I get people telling me I am doing well but I am convinced there are people talking negatively about me behind my back. Whoa, a little paranoia there, or is it true? How does one know? Several years ago I was the target of such a campaign at this job - not saying I was perfect and deserved no criticism, but that nobody told me what they were unhappy with to my face, and talked about it to my boss and many others. I only found out about it after the fact, much like when my ex was cheating on me... over months and years it all became painfully clear. The work people who I feel betrayed me (I thought of them as friends at the time) are all gone now, been fired or laid off, and I'm still around, which I guess should tell me something, but maybe I'm next.

I worry that my husband does not love me anymore and will leave me for someone younger.

I have started exercising again out of desperation, both to lose weight and to get some perspective back. Maybe that will help with the stress and my mood.

But every year in November I start to freak out and I don't really know why. I feel a very deep fear.

Performance,

You're worrying me. You sound VERY stressed out -- and sounds like you're panicking. Nothing good can come from panicking. Worry about one thing at a time, and you will burn out if you start thinking of everything at once. You know, you may not have a THING to worry about! I think you should relax and go on that trip with your husband, you should escape your environment. Everyone needs a break from work once in a while, and it might be good to get it in better perspective with a holiday get-away your husband is proposing. Just go for it and try to enjoy life a bit!

Take care, PF, we're here for you!!!

PerformanceFootwear wrote:I'm starting to panic a bit.

It sounds a lot like generalized anxiety, to me. Not the disorder, just a period of it. I just had one myself, lasted about a week and really bummed me out, while Mrs. Q is having a stretch of it herself that hasn't quite abated yet. There's no obvious reason for either of us to have it, or for both of us to have (had) it at the same time -- beyond the fact that she and I are resonant, very much psychically linked.

Just a thought: You say this kind of thing whacks you every November. Have you tried vitamin D supplementation? If not, try 2000IU daily. Also try to get some sunlight into your mornings, and get outside into the sunshine where your eyes can register it for at least a half hour at or near noon, and in the evenings turn off the TV and computer at least an hour before your customary bedtime, lower the lights, and just relax. Get comfy, empty your head (mindfulness exercises are good for this), and around 20 minutes before bedtime have a nice cup of Passionflower tea. Or if your grocer carries it, Yogi makes a Bedtime Tea that's got some of my favorite herbs for this purpose in it.

The big gun for this kind of thing is kava, Piper methysticum, *root only* (no above-ground parts). The best sources are the producers in Hawaii where the smell of fat juicy rib eye steaks is sometimes found. I wouldn't trust kava from the local health food store or pharmacy because there's just no telling what's really in it. Get some kava, and you won't need the herb tea (or Prozac or Xanax or whatever). One good source is http://www.konakavafarm.com/. Kava should stop that spiral of symptoms that cause worry that increases the symptoms which increases the worry, around and around and down and down.

Be well, Friend.

Hang in there PFW! I don't think your Hubby sounds like the kind of guy to run off with a young thing . He just doesn't seem the type, from how you've described him. I might be way off base, but to me it just sounds like you're letting go of a few things in the marriage that are leaving you feeling vulnerable- perhaps being the responsible one is what made you feel secure and loved? I'm like that...I can take too many things onboard, and then I feel like I'm doing all the thinking, and I get run down and grow impatient with my man. But on the other hand, if I really need him to shoulder responsibility for something, he won't let me down. I think I just send him mixed messages, and he doesn't always know how to act. He loves me so, I am very lucky. What it boils down to for me, is I don't easily feel secure in relationships unless I'm shouldering a lot of responsibility, more than my fair share sometimes. So if I want someone to share that load, I have to also know I'm surrendering part of what makes me feel secure. I feel that these sorts of changes are best done slowly, and kindly. Not sure if that's what's going on for you- it may not be that at all. In any case, I understand what its like to feel vulnerable, and to not really know why you are loved. I hope this is just a phase, and a biological anxiety you're feeling. If so it will pass soon. Take care!

X Serenity

I am glad for this thread and appreciate all of the comments here. I can't say I have declared full NC with NStep-mom yet but am limiting access this Christmas season. I feel like, though, in taking a stand, that the focus may become on what I am NOT going to do rather than the joy of the season. I feel like I will be spending a lot of energy on it, and I really don't want to. I do want to see my dad, but going complete NC with her will be difficult since they are from out of state and only here for a few days. I have already said I will only be available 2 evenings out of the week they will be in town, so there is already tension from my dad. I was going to talk to him recently, which fell though, and now I am feeling stressed about it. I don't have my own family, so avoiding my blood family is more stressful I think with no one being supportive otherwise. They will be down the road and I will be by myself a lot. Why did I invite them, you ask? I DIDN'T! My N-stepmom made reservations without asking. I am sure there will be some sort of problem that I will have to leave over, as always. I just want o celebrate and enjoy my time off, enjoy celebrating Christmas, enjoy friends, but I still am not looking forward to...

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share an experience I just had re: the holidays. This is my first NC holiday season where it will be just my DH and two kids. I felt liberated from the expectations of my N FOO but like some of you felt a little rudderless - like 'what do we do now?'

Because I'm expecting so close to Thanksgiving, we decided to have Thanksgiving early. How we wanted. With the people we wanted. No expectations, no crazy FOO, no catty SIL's making crappy remarks about how I'm a yuppie because I use my china and crystal(!)... I think we were lucky at the timing of my due date because we had a great excuse to not play by anyone's rules.

We had a small, intimate Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday with only our kids, my husband's elderly parents, and my dear friend of 20+ years (who is also coincidentally an ACON). It was wonderful to be surrounded by such positive vibes and lack of toxicity on a holiday. I was so happy I didn't know what to do! We still had the semblance of a 'regular' holiday with a traditional meal and having my husb's parents there, but it was a joy to be spared from negativity for freaking once.

Isn't that what the holidays are for, anyway? Celebrating with intent and not being miserable out of obligation? I just wanted to share our big success story as something to chew on for everyone that's going to be doing this in a couple of weeks. Re-inventing feels SO good.

BTW - I can't remember whose idea it was, but I love the idea of taking gift money I would have spent on NC family members and helping out other families. Makes a tough time even sweeter.

Thanks to you all,
GH

Got a card from NM on Friday at work... I opened it, like a fool, but I guess I figured I'd worry more if I didn't know what it said. It was another guilt trip (I KNOW! YOU ARE SHOCKED!) the front had a line drawing and said something like "I listen to me, not to them" (wtf?) and on the inside she wrote, "Can you make a little room for me?"
Sheesh! F you, lady and your "me me me".
But you all know how this set me off.
And I remembered how when I was young, in the family room there was a couch that my parents sat on, a chair for my sister, and ... that's it. If I were going to spend any time in the "family" room, i had to sit on the floor. Now what does that tell you. Sure I brought it up and nothing changed.
I mean that sounds dumb, and seriously how ridiculous, a 40 year old woman whining about this shit, but a lifetime of that sort of thing and telling myself it was ok... ugh. I am so mad that I have to work so hard to get over this bullshit treatment! ARGH!!!! My life sucks on ice and it feels like i'll never get through it all!

Oh sh**. I never thanked y'all for the kind responses to my previous emotional rant. I really do appreciate it and the time you each took to write me a response. I'm in a weird place right now and I'm having a hard time getting myself together. I am very grateful for your kind words.

PerformanceFootwear wrote:I'm in a weird place right now and I'm having a hard time getting myself together.

Know that a couple of freaky people who live in our house and that look just like Mrs. Q and I are thinking of you and sending healing energy your way.