Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi everyone,

My GC brother just called, to find out why I had not spoken to nmom in 6 months. He knew she had tried to start a smear campaign, but all he did was send a quick email and couldn't be bothered to respond to mine. He and I are basically not in contact - he doesn't like Christians, I'm a Christian, he doesn't like people of my political beliefs, and so on. He has become a bully.

Tonight he called me and started to get belligerent over the phone. He kept asking me what happened with nmom, and I said, "you know" and he said, "I want to hear it from you" as if he's my judge and jury. Please bear in mind that he is aggressive and hostile on the phone. After my sister's manipulations failed, its now up to him to bully me back into the fold... My being NC is highly inconvenient to them: now they are expected to care for nmom over the holidays. Before I could always be counted on to do it.

Anyway, I told him I had nothing to say to him and hung up. he called back but I didn't bother to answer. I sent this email:
GC,
I'm not going to go over what happened with mom with you now. If you really cared, you would have talked with me about it at the time it happened, instead of just sending an email. You didn't even bother to respond to the email I sent in response.

When I feel ready to resume a relationship with her, I will. Until then, don't bother getting involved because it is really not your business.

With love,
Zezee


Does this sound OK? I don't even care enough to confront him about the bullying behavior. Do these people have any legal hold over me? Is there anything they can do? UGH!!
I am not looking forward to the holidays.

Your situation sounds similar to mine.

After going NC with NM my NGCsis called wanting to know what happened. I told her...or started to. She had to "go" because she had a call coming in. (I was crying.) She called me later and wanted to know...said I already told you. She said she couldn't remember. I told her "I guess that's how insignifcant I am to you."

The next day I had a really nasty attack message on my answering machine. She came at me again but I don't want to go into it.

I think your e-mail was great.

I have concluded that there is no talking to them. We will never be understood. They are incapable of normal comprehension. I've decided that any future attempts at contact will be shut down with "I understand your concerns but I have my own." Done deal.

zezee wrote: Do these people have any legal hold over me? Is there anything they can do? UGH!!
I am not looking forward to the holidays.

No, they don't have any legal hold.
Now book yourself a vacation somewhere else for the holidays, or arrange to visit friends. Get something nice already in place that you can't and won't cancel ?

zezee wrote:Does this sound OK? I don't even care enough to confront him about the bullying behavior.

Pretty good... but if your goal is to be left in peace you should have left the recriminations out. Better, I think, would be to not reward the triangulation at all. No JADE, no argument, nothing. Just "You have no right to interfere in my relationships. Stop now.", and if he doesn't stop, don't repeat yourself. Just hang up. If your phone gives you the ability to block calls by number, block his number for a while so he can't even reach your voicemail. The only way to stop a triangulation is to refuse to be part of it.

zezee wrote:Do these people have any legal hold over me? Is there anything they can do?

Is it a crime in your state to not call your mother?

Seriously now: From what I know of your situation I'm pretty confident that you're not at risk. You're not rolling in money, so you're not really at risk even if filial responsibility were claimed. Unless there's something else going on, you've got no reason to worry about the law.

Take care and be well!

Dear Zezee, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Your letter looks perfect to me. With N's & P's, the less said, the better, and you did a good job of keeping it succinct. Your brother needs to shut up and mind his own business instead of acting like the NC police or something. (acting like a nosy old woman) He can't do anything to you at all legally. Don't worry; he just confirmed for you why NC is such a good idea. I'm glad you didn't give in to him.

Love,
Aquarius

Good for you, zezee! I think your letter was perfect and you handled your GC brother very well.

Screw them! If the harassment keeps up, just change your number and have it unlisted and delete all their emails without reading them.

Huge congrats to you....Keep up the good work...itll be worth it in the end.

Zezee, I'm sorry they've upset you again. Stay strong. The one thing I dread the most in this whole NC business is the possibility that they might try to contact me and I might lose it. I think you handled the situation really well.

Thank you, everyone, for replying and for the words of encouragment.

I'm feeling kind of sad over the whole thing. They don't even look scary or threatening or intimidating anymore, just like really dysfunctional people who, if they could, would latch on and suck me dry in one way or another, be it with needs that I'm expected to tend to (nmom) or crummy behaviors I'm expected to tolerate and deny (the SonGod) or whatever. I don't even think they like or miss me as a person, just the cardboard cut out that fits in that role.

I don't like being mean or rejecting but i'm standing my ground and will continue to do so until I grow to be so healthy the sickly space I left behind either dries up and blows off like dust or I couldn't even fit into it if I tried. It's too darn soon. I don't want to be sucked back in. I don't have any great need to tell anyone off or anything, I just want to be left alone.

I'm happy and there are all these big good changes in my life. I found myself laughing out loud the other day. Life is good. thank you, everyone!!!

[quote="QuiteGoodEnough] ......... if your goal is to be left in peace you should have left the recriminations out. Better, I think, would be to not reward the triangulation at all. No JADE, no argument, nothing. Just "You have no right to interfere in my relationships. Stop now.", and if he doesn't stop, don't repeat yourself. Just hang up. If your phone gives you the ability to block calls by number, block his number for a while so he can't even reach your voicemail. The only way to stop a triangulation is to refuse to be part of it.]

Thanks, QGE - I appreciate the input and agree with it. So often, my desire to explain or communicate gets me in to trouble because 9 times out of 10, in situations where I feel that need, I'm interacting with someone who has goals other than mutual acceptance, good will and understanding. By the time someone is starting to get aggressive, there is no point in trying to explain anything to them because their goal is to win by proving to me that I am wrong, faulty, or defective because I am not doing what they want me to do, like a wind up toy that is broken. When I hear that aggressive tone, the asking of questions that are not questions, and worse, denial they are being aggressive and criticism of me for being "overly sensitive" , it's a pretty good clue that a bully is at hand.

I don't think he'll try calling again. I got an email and deleted it. Nmom emailed, I deleted that. It's been almost predictable, their behavior - first sister tries to manipulate by rewriting history, playing to my compassions, perhaps even evoking guilt... flubbs it by overstepping - she thinks I'm materialistic enough to accept a ring of my beloved grandmother that nmom has, so she tells me nmom has it for me. Then she lies, and says she herself would have given it to me but "didn't want to get in the middle". That didn't work. Sister won't answer my emails now. I got a flurry of emails from them claiming nmom is now better, sleep deprivation was the culprit. Didn't work. Golden Child brother lumbers in to try to bully me back into the fold. I knew this was all coming down the pike. Over thanksgiving, he will probably come to town and try to show up at my home to "talk sense" to me. If he does and does not leave, I will call the police. I see that coming.


[quote="QuiteGoodEnough]From what I know of your situation I'm pretty confident that you're not at risk. You're not rolling in money, so you're not really at risk even if filial responsibility were claimed. Unless there's something else going on, you've got no reason to worry about the law.[/quote]

Nah, nothing too dramatic or exciting or bad round these parts... in fact, it's bookish and rather dull, especially for narcissists - and I aim to keep it that way.

I hope Mrs. QGE is feeling better. Have you tried working with any teaching hospitals? they tend to have excellent physicians on board, and might very well be interested in her condition. Are there any in your area? They write research papers and get grants and do studies based upon her condition. I used to work for a doctor that did just that. She did a wonderful job with her patients. It might be an option for Mrs. Q to get good treatment.

Best to you!! and thank you!

axle wrote:Now book yourself a vacation somewhere else for the holidays, or arrange to visit friends. Get something nice already in place that you can't and won't cancel ?

Boy, that sounds fantastic! I'm not in a position to do that financiallly, but keeping my gate locked and generally doing what I can to fly beneath their radar is good.

Thank you!

They don't even look scary or threatening or intimidating anymore, just like really dysfunctional people who, if they could, would latch on and suck me dry in one way or another,

Yeah!!!!!

I don't want to be sucked back in. I don't have any great need to tell anyone off or anything, I just want to be left alone.

Even better.

Also,

I don't even think they like or miss me as a person, just the cardboard cut out that fits in that role.

Exactly.

Dear Zeezee,

Good on your for seeing through the family BS and calling your brother on his obvious lack of care for your wellbeing. The first family members to contact me were the more seductive ones, like my sisters. But once it became clear that I wasn't towing the line any more, the family bullies were sent in to try to intimidate me and make me feel uncomfortable. Just remember that this is normal behaviour for N's and their circle of proxies. They are trying to cause you enormous stress so that you'll go back to your role as care-taker and non-entity. But it won't happen, you're too wise for that now Zeezee:) I hope this icky feeling passes soon and you can go back to your peaceful life:)

X Serenity

Serenity wrote: The first family members to contact me were the more seductive ones, like my sisters. But once it became clear that I wasn't towing the line any more, the family bullies were sent in to try to intimidate me and make me feel uncomfortable. Just remember that this is normal behaviour for N's and their circle of proxies. They are trying to cause you enormous stress so that you'll go back to your role as care-taker and non-entity.

Serenity, that's it exactly. Another of those situations where the behavior is so similar!

I know a large part of this has to do with them not wanting to take up the slack over the holidays. Before, they could always pretty much plan as they pleased. The other thing is that nmom is probably laying the guilt and drama on really thick, and pushing them to contact me on her behalf and also to cater to her desires over the holidays. I understand they are uncomfortable with that, but both of their behaviors clearly demonstrate how strongly they desire to preserve the status quo. If they are uncomfortable with nmom's behaviors, then they need to change their relationship with her not try to drag me back into the drama.

It's apparent a family drama is happening, that nmom is probably behind the scenes orchestrating frantic phone calls, etc. After SunGod called, then emailed, nmom emailed, then sister did so too. I haven't read any of the emails, I just delete them. Their emails always come in a grouping. It is rare for either sibling to contact me unless nmom has somehow arranged it. She's behind all of this.

UGH.

NC is getting better and better. Thank you, Serenity! What happened with your siblings? Did they finally leave you alone?

T

zezee wrote:

Serenity wrote:I understand they are uncomfortable with that, but both of their behaviors clearly demonstrate how strongly they desire to preserve the status quo. If they are uncomfortable with nmom's behaviors, then they need to change their relationship with her not try to drag me back into the drama.

Exactly! They want you back in that role so they don't have to take it up, and it's a lot easier to hassle you than it is to tell NM to shut up and accept the consequences of her own decisions and bad behavior.

Keep on keepin' on!

Your email was terrific. Keep up the good self-care.