Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I know this is a new area so am not expecting many replies but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

As a partner of an ACON (my H has a severe NM), I feel I don't ever really get to talk about how the situation has hurt me or affected me. Its always been so much worse for my H, having grown up with the pain and abuse, that I don't feel I have a voice to talk about my hurt that his family have caused. A lot of my energy has gone into how to be supportive, how to help him heal and feel loved, how to deal with his family in an acceptable way.

So I thought I'd start a thread for all the spouses of ACONs to talk about the frustrations, difficulties, hurt they've experienced without feeling guilty that they're minimising the pain their partner has gone through and currently feels.

1. I was never welcomed into his family. Whenever I go to weddings I'm touched by how the 'other' family always welcomes the newcomer, through speeches or a more private gesture. But I also feel a bit sad because I never got that. My NMIL made a big deal about how difficult our wedding day was for her (she's specifically said that) and my BIL was so scared of upsetting her that he didn't say much at all. Our wedding was never celebrated by H's family. His mum was actually vocal about her disapproval. It still hurts, even after 7 years.

2. My H's brother's complete lack of interest in our family. He's in denial and his coping method is emotional withdrawal.

3. This brother is also the golden child and his partner was immediately given golden status too. As have their children. It's so ingrained that even my H has always talked about the partner as though she's perfect. It hurts because its so different to what I experienced. The brother doesn't really care much about me. The NM actively dislikes me and before NC would always compare me to the other partner pointing out how much better she was. My H never once spoke up for me. It hurts that she seemed loved by all from the start and I was destined to be derided.

4. I've been lied to repeatedly by my H and his mother. I've been betrayed. My feelings have been trampled on. His family actively encourage him to disregard my feelings/wishes. My H has apologised and acknowledged it when he's done the wrong thing (and been caught). The NM never will, of course. She denies everything. It still hurts that it happened at all.

5. I feel damaged simply through exposure to the NM for these 10 years. I used to be known for my eternal optimism, my happy nature, my propensity to always see the good in people and simply finding joy in life. Now I'm a cynical pessimist who struggles with anxiety and self esteem issues. I don't like that. I want to be that happy, joyful person again. But I feel I've lost trust in human nature and the world seems like a scarier place. I've lost my innocence. And that makes me sad.

There's so much more but I don't want to dwell. I just think its good and healthy to get some of it out, to finally give a voice to the sadness. Please feel free to do the same...

My future NMIL basically tried to suck my in and get me to comply to her and do her bidding as far as running her son's life.

When it became clear I wasn't having it I became the enemy.

So I have been blamed for things I never did, bad mouthed around lord-only-knows who and am the whole reason for FH setting boundaries (actually referred to by her as "FutureDIL's boundaries") and demanding better treatment.

I know she is in the background trying to sabotage our wedding. Things have already gotten back to us.

I am lucky though -- the extended family knows exactly what she is like and know she is nuts, FH is on my side 1000% and for the most part everyone knows what she is saying is lies.

The only person really trying to get him to "forgive and forget" is his Grams and I am upset it is affecting their relationship, but hey, it's not me that is doing it no matter what they wish to think or believe.

It bothered me at first, but since about 99% of his family have said they are very happy for us and are coming to the wedding it doesn't bother me any more.

If she wants to be a cow she can, she'll be one very lonely cow.

I think you have to not care what they think about you. Why let them hurt you? Why let them change you? It was happening to me too but I decided not give her that power.

A sense of humour helps too -- when people tell "in-law" tales mine are usually the craziest ones, I have turned it from being upset as a means to mock her. I can only imagine how much her little narcissistic brain would freak out to know all of my friends and good deal of the internet are laughing at her.

In person I am going to try my best to just ignore her -- I'd love to tell her off but that is what she wants, a battle. You can't reason with a lunatic so the thing that will drive her MOST crazy will be to ignore her totally -- that or openly smirk or laugh at her antics. So that is what I plan to do.

The only thought that makes me uncomfortable is the "confrontation" that will be had when we next see her and she tries to act like nothing ever happened and hug me and fawn on me. I am not having it but the thought of telling her to step off, especially if others are around, makes me very uncomfortable.

Next month is mine and DH's 20th wedding anniversary. And in these 20 years, I've never felt welcome in the family. If it hasn't happend yet, it'll never happen. But I'm over it now.

Anyway, MIL is a total N. 20 years ago, BIL#1 was the GC. His (now ex) wife was nMIL's "favorite" person ever. Mainly because exSIL would kiss nMIL's butt. Anything that MIL wanted, exSIL gave her. Anything that nMIL said, exSIL agreed with. But once exSIL started showing her true colors, that was it. Actually, nMIL loved exSIL even more for the "drama" that exSIL brought to the table. Not just any drama. But major drama that nMIL totally ate up.

I thought, ok, now that exSIL is turning out to be such a psycho, maybe now nMIL will see that I'm not such a bad person after all. nMIL's father (DH's grandfather) died. I sent nMIL a beautiful bouquet of flowers. nMIL told DH thanks. No mention of my name. Of course, DH didn't go out of his way to let his mommy know that I picked out the flowers and I sent them myself. Then, when DH came home from Iraq, I bought a ticket for nMIL to fly from FL to TX to visit with DH when he got home (during the time that DH was in Iraq, I also drove the boys to FL to visit with MIL...once during the summer and the second time at Christmas...which was a total disaster...nMIL humiliated me in a room full of people...most of them strangers). So I thought, ok, I stuck my neck out for nMIL. Certainly she'll have to see that I am really not as bad as she thought I was. Nope. Nothing.
I finally got so tired of nMIL's games and drama that I had to cut her off completely. I do not speak to her at all. No phone calls, emails, letters, face to face visits...nothing. DH will speak to her maybe 2-3 times a year. No more than that.
Of course, it's my fault that DH doesn't speak to his mother and my fault that our sons don't want anything to do with her. Because we all know that when the sun rises and sets and when the moon comes out, and when it rains, that it's ALL my fault.

I am just glad I figured her out early.

I am not wasting any time trying to get in her good graces.

If we have children she'll be lucky to see them outside of big family events.