Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

MY XBFN last visited me on 9/9/09:

I got a text out of the blue, "Hey just saw Jack (a mutual friend) hope all is well".
Of course, this was before I realized what he was, changed all contact info, and initiated NC, so I replied, "I'm fine, tell Jack I said Hi". The next text was asking what I was doing that night, was I going up to the bar? I said around 10 or so. I go on the same night, once a week, to see a friend who works there. Next thing I know, N and Jack are knocking on my freaking window at my apartment. I was out shopping, and they are texting me this...anyway, I ended up at the bar, and of course, he and Jack were there (and he's drunk, of course).

We talked outside for a bit, after he tried to pull an "I'm leaving now" stunt, walking past me on the way out the door waving, and I called him back over to me....he's leaving....after he persued me all night via text message, knocked on my window, and used Jack as an excuse to get in touch with me. Everything is a game, I guess.

We ended up back at my apartment. He goes into this big conversation about how he "is Evil", and that he "never loved his DXW," says that he "has a lot of female friends (his N Harem) that he loves, but he just cant love the way we/I want him to", was "sorry for what I did to you", ect...and "as a BF he's no good"...basically fessing up to the fact the he just SUCKS. He also told me I wasnt as crazy as I thought. (He had me and everyone else, convinced I was completely nutz and caused the entire breakup)

Mind you, this visit was AFTER he smeared me, called me a stalker, and threatened with a restraining order when we broke up. All I wanted was a decent conversation/explanation after he dumped me (in front of all our mutual friends at this bar,) and he kept telling me to come back later, and that he needed some time to himself...when I did come back, exactly when he told me to, he wasnt there. So I texted and called for 2 weeks straight. I was totally confused.

Then I find out a week later he is out on a date with this 22 yr old Barmaid (he's 34) he had been flirting with, we had argued about his flirting with her in the past, because he would od it in front of my face. He was grooming her for his next NS, I guess.Well, side note, she went on that one date with him and said no thanks, lol.

I had a nervouse breakdown over this, and it messed my life up pretty bad...and the smear campaign at the bar we met at was awful...I had people looking at me like I was a new specimine of cockroach, and some of the gossipy Barfly ones were actually coming to the new bar I was going to, and spying on me...waiting for me to have another bout of insanity, or maybe burst into tears, I guess.

He is making a complete ass of himself by letting these people know he came to see me/being seen at a place he knows I frequent with me, especially after the dramatic show he put on about how "afraid of me" he was, and how I'm a psychotic stalker in front of all of the barfly people he hangs with. Some people said how "fake" and dramatic it all seemed when he was up there acting the victim and his friends were baying for my blood.

This was his third, and hopefully final visit. There were texts/missed calls here and there, especially around Holidays/B-Days, ect. This last visit was the eye opener I needed to go NC...he let me know in his own way that it was all fake. Until then I really wasnt sure.

Anyway, what did he hope to gain from his drunken confession? A pity F-ck? More supply? Do they feel remorse? Why would I want him after he told me what he really is? That sealed the deal for me to do NC. It also woke me up to reality. AND he has a new admitted FCK Buddy Only at the smear bar...another bar maid, she just got hired. Poor thing. He showed up with her at my bar on my night...2 weeks after this last visit/confession. I thankfully wasnt there, but I heard about it....these are some seriously gossipy people, and its like a big Bar clique in my town. I went NC a week later.This is the stunt that really pissed me off .

BTW..I'm not a raging alcoholic, I do enjoy going to the bar 1-2 times a week to eat, drink, and socialize. Or, at least, I did until now.

I strongly encourage you to read up on Narcissists on this board before posting questions. Frankly, this is par for the course with an N. Everything he did was quite predictable - and his behaviour going forward can be predicted again. He hoovered you in, used you and is keeping you warm for additional supply.

Everything is about supply/attention.

The moment you engaged with him after seeing him at the bar, was the moment you lost your power and gave him supply. You are giving him everything he wanted.

My exN apologized constantly. Teary eyed, huge apologies. Then left the house and did worse. It's manipulation 101.

I'm not trying to be harsh here - but honestly, a great deal of your questions will be answered once you learn about N's. We can then work on the recovery.

The next step for you should be 100% no contact with this person. And going forward, if you receive a text from someone you don't know, you may be wise not to let them know where you are going. It's really dangerous. I'm sure you know this - not trying to sound condescending - but a lot worse could have happened.

Happy reading to you! I hope you find this site helpful.

Thank you.

I have gone total NC since this incident.

The phone number has been changed, and I havent seen the bar or any of our mutual friends in 2 months. I am a ghost now to them. I'm still trying to move on, its getting a lot easier as time and understanding paly their parts. I still have bad days though...I still think/obsess about the shit...thats why I am on here. It has taught me a lot already.

We can help you.

And trust me, he will try again. Guaranteed.

You can do this. We can help.

xoxo

Dear ARV621,

Your post hit so close to home that I could have written it myself. Your guy sounds textbook. Especially as he demonstrated his contempt for you while expecting sex at the same time. They’re illogical and crazy.

Like many of us here, after the D & D we ask ourselves; what did I do wrong? All I asked was to be treated like a human being! Why the silent treatment? Is he ever going to come around to his senses? Can anyone actually be that cold and heartless, actually really NOT give a shit?

After this happened to me I stayed strong for a while. Then a combination of the above questions, humiliation, pain and disbelief got the best of me and I made contact. In return I received, and I quote, “You are a stalker. Do I need to get a restraining order?” It was his act of complete cowardice as well as the end of my rope. As someone said either here or on the old MSN forum… what is it with these guys?….its either bully or baby!

I’m glad you’re going NC and I agree with Knoxy. These DIS-ordered individuals are potentially dangerous. It helped me to interpret my Ns words as a projection—i.e., “I am a stalker. You’re gonna need a restraining order”. I didn’t/don’t want to deal with that. I’m sure you don’t either.

Stay strong. We’re here for you.

-G

Anyway, what did he hope to gain from his drunken confession? Do they feel remorse? Why would I want him after he told me what he really is? That sealed the deal for me to do NC. It also woke me up to reality.

The phone number has been changed, and I haven't seen the bar or our mutual friends in 2 months. I'm trying to move on, its getting easier. I still have bad days...I still think/obsess... that's why I am here. It has taught me a lot."

Your N is another jerk, like the rest of them.
He is not altruistic. He had an ulterior motive. He wants to be your "friend". They all want to be your friend. They want to feel loved and popular, even after they screw you around until you are messed up. They work so hard to get you attached to them like a habit or addiction, and then they downgrade you to some kind of "friend" and expect you to accept it. That's no friend you'd ever want or need.
I see you are extremely smart and you caught on fast. Good move.

It took a few tries before I could fully ditch my N. On the second attempt I said to him, "You don't have to call me anymore." He replied, "Are you going to change your phone number?" I said, "NO, I like my phone number, it's easy for my kids to remember." When I hung up, I thought his comment was really odd for about two minutes until I realized he had been in this position before and a woman (or women) had to change phone numbers to be rid of him.
-

I think the Restraining Order is their "escape hatch"....so that they can do whatever they want to you, when they are using you, and when they decide to cut you off, they pull some Legal Threat Bullshit as a way of getting around it all.

In other words, it's OK for them to slide into your life, get involved with everything, screw you around 10 different ways, and destroy you emotionally, lie to you about their intentions, use you as an unpaid Propstitute to get sex that you wouldnt have given them had you known what they truly were, but since it was all "consensual" it's OK, they can get away with it.

Then when they are done with you, they threaten you with legal action, because, technically, it becomes "unwanted contact" in about...oh...10 seconds...when you look for answers or try to talk to them after D+D. Unfortunatley, that's how it really is, and the Legal system will offer you no protection and them a way to get rid of you easily under these circumstances.

Well, mine can forget that, he had texted and called too many times for that to hold a candle in any court. The Police can pull all his texts, calls, and emails in about a hot minute. I know this, the (nice, normal) guy I'm dating now is a former Officer. Bring it on "N"

It's called projection.

He is talking about getting an RO on you - when he was the one harrassing you.

It's a classic N technique.

They are nuts. You honestly can't make sense of them. You can only look at yourself, learn as much as possible to avoid it in the future, and heal.

Big hugs to you. You're going to get through it.

MY FRIEND? Ya, he did tell me once early on in this mess that he would love to be my friend, but that "my behaviour made that impossible"
I think he was just afraid that I was going to out him to everyone at his watering hole and ruin things for him , as he was lining up another NS/GF. Also, he always seemed to re-appear/text after he was dumped or blown off by another NS interest. Having mutual "Bar" friends, I was informed of all his activities, sometimes if I wanted to hear it or not. They are now all cut off as well.

ARV,

I agree. The “I’m gonna get a restraining order” is a threat, but not necessarily a hollow one. Never underestimate these guys. They have paranoid tendencies, live off of drama, and can be vindictive as all hell. Especially after you’ve demonstrated some autonomy or somehow indicated that you don’t believe they are God. Imagine how fun it would be for them to obtain an RO, (which can be done in some states without your knowledge) harass the hell out of you until you respond, then watch you go down in flames for violation. It has happened before.

Also, in response to what he was trying to gain by his confession…IMO, it is all about control. The world revolves around him, and if he is a somatic type, it appears to revolve around his d*ck. You demonstrated you can do without him. How dare you not recognize his superiority and entitlement? He seduces to re-gain control and supply, and he does it by any means possible (getting you drunk, appealing to your pity etc.). If he can still seduce you he is still in control. He quashes the threat AND refuels his supply tank. It has nothing to do with intimacy. Sick really.

Oh, and as far as friends go...mine refused to be a friend. It was unpaid prostitute or nothing. I chose nothing.

Anyway…just a few thoughts.

I got the restraining order threat - that became reality in the end after Mister Universe made 50 police statements and filed criminal charges - 'sexual harassment', 'stalking', 'psychotic murdering thoughts', do I need to expand on this crap? It devastated me morally and I felt awful for falling into the trap. These big jerks have so much vice in them. Now it makes me laugh though. I start being indifferent with time. Mister Supreme Beauty and Intelligence lost 10000 dollars in this story, and cheap as he is I'm sure he cannot sleep at night - not for ruining my life, for his money of course. Is there anything to add? I lived with and loved the paradigm of narcissistic peversion and was lucky to have a good lawyer. More than NC, TOTAL ERASURE. Let him get his sh...t slap him back in the face, it will one day, and the good news is that you'll be far away.

Well, mine has manged to obtain full custody of his 2 young girls from the EXW (she has equal time visitation), and she at one time had him arrested for a Domestic Assault during their nasty divorce. He got it exponged, probably with his parents money...said it cost $7000.00 to beat the wrap. He denies ever hitting her. The worst part is that he probably manipulated the courts to get the kids, and most likely did commit some type of assault on her.

His manipulative powers and ability to appear like such a great, nice guy got him custody. He is obsessed with EXW, talks negatively about her constantly to everyone, (some people would literally roll their eyes when they saw him coming, and say "theres that guy that talks about his Ex all the time"...sheesh)treats her like shit, and seems Hellbent on making her completely lose the kids at some point. He also got her for child support $$$$$. He says maybe she will move to FL, since they dont come after you for support there like they do here in OH.

This is is part of what confused me about him and got me sucked in..... he treats his 2 little girls like gold...at leats thats how it appears, anyway. I thought he was such a good family type guy! He really seems to love his kids.

But, seeing as that he has this custody, he is very afraid of any Police involvement, since it could jeapordize things for him if it backfires, considering he was already arrested once. During our breakup, he asked me if I was going to file any "false" charges/police reports against him. Projection, or leftover paranoia from the divorce? His neighbors, Parents?, and people at the school and Church dont know about his hidden life as an alcoholic, the different women he screws at the bars, or his cokehead/HPD/alcoholic "friends". and he sure as Hell doesnt want them to find out.

On the other hand, I could see him panicking and trying to get an RO...to make me the villian first, as usual. However, I'm not the one calling and texting, showing up where he is, ect.....he is now persuing me. He always was. He sucked me into his little web...I didnt cause any of this! I was just trying to have a relationship with someone I thought I cared about.

Of course, if he ever did decide to file, he would have 10 barfly people in court, testifying as to what a nut I am.I would probably end up just like the EXW. Screwed.

He has no reason to file anything now....I'm disappeared and NC, not bothering him, not talking to any mutual friends, not hearing about who he's screwing this week, dating other people, moving on with my life....I made this very clear to a few of the more Goossipy Barflys befor I did the NC, because I knew it would get around.