Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I just got out of a 1 year relationship with a N, now mind you I am 35 and never encountered someone to this degree or so I thought until I started to read more on the subject. Turns out my first boyfriend for 9 yrs was one as well, but never physical. I now am coming to terms with the fact that I am a codependent. I have many questions about this, because my codependency seems to come out the most in romantic realtionships. I am the "fixer" and "Love should conquer all" type. I just started a 12 step to help me with this so that is one foot in the right direction. Here is where I feel alone, but I know for a fact I am NOT in my last relationship right at the end I was physicaly abused by my N to the point where I believe he would have killed me, because of his lack of impulse control. I am very lucky that someone called the police, because they had to pull him off of me for him to stop. I had a TRO, that now is a FRO. Now here is where I don't see much on this subject. I have been in and out of court for this, because in my story he violated the TRO and every step in this matter from his consol from the begining has been adjurnments. I guess my question is how do you move on when they are always in your future? This makes things very hard for me, because I have not had any therapy since this has happened. I find myself having dreams about my N and his new NS, oh yeah he was with her earlier the same night he did this to me. Not so uncommon at all with N's I found out. It just seems everytime I try to take a step foward in my recovery, this seems to backtrack my work in progress. How do you stop the subconsious, and make it stop ruling your thoughts when you wake up all day?

Hi Scrubbie,

I am moving this to the main forum. I am sorry it took so long - I didn't notice your post in the "trying out the forum" area. That area is usually for technical questions. Again, please accept my apologies for taking so long on this!

You will get more traction in the NPD forum.

Take care,

Mod

scrubbie wrote:...It just seems everytime I try to take a step foward in my recovery, this seems to backtrack my work in progress. How do you stop the subconsious, and make it stop ruling your thoughts when you wake up all day?

Hi Scrubbie! I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the last thing you want to do is "stop the subconscious". The reason it is so hurtful and overwhelming is because that's where the truth was all along, everything you didn't want to see or know or acknowledge, and it's finally having its day. This is healing. It's hard and unpleasant, but I can tell you -- I learned the HAAAAAARD way that the more energy you expend trying to silence and suppress it, the longer it will take to heal and the harder that healing will be. Even if it feels disabling at times, that's nothing compared to full blown PTSD, which is what long-term suppression of traumatic memories is, deliberately done or not. And fwiw, many posters here suffer with PTSD and PTSD-like symptoms to varying degrees, so you'll read a lot about that here. The symptoms you describe -- flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts -- can be a part of that disorder.

You say you haven't had therapy since any of this happened, but it's very easy with traumatic issues to slip into a pattern of avoidance, which really complicates matters. There are successful treatments for PTSD and trauma-related issues -- EMDR saved my life -- but you have to go get them, they won't come to you. I would suggest that as a place to start.

But whatever you do, treating your emotions and mental reactions to trauma as though they -- not the traumatic event(s) -- were the problem is the very worst thing you could do. Don't underestimate what you've been through by telling yourself you're strong, you should be able to take it, etc. You don't have to be a soldier to have PTSD!!! No one is immune.

Yet even so, the body AND the mind have an amazing capacity for self-healing; do your best to cooperate with the natural process and at the very least, refrain from shoving issues and memories and feelings back down. They're coming up precisely because you are finally processing them, even if only in limited amounts. Either way, it's a major step to health. Yes, they hurt. Yes, it feels like you're going backwards and not forwards. Yes, it can be overwhelming at times, sometimes it feels like ALL the time. But I promise you, it's worth it to examine them as they come up and not stuff them back down.

And therapy -- especially therapy directed specifically at traumatic memories -- would likely be VERY helpful to you in moving forward, no matter what the ex does or does not do. Right now, both your past and your future are hammering at your today. You may not be able to change the ex or his decisions, but you can sure do something about taking care of your past and getting that healed; at the very least you'd have all of your faculties free to meet whatever new challenges come your way. You can't say that of today, when the past is coming up at every turn and you are flooded with things you'd really like to shut off so you can get on with life. But shutting off ain't healing.

Let me put it this way: lots of people dislike bleeding when they get wounded. It's messy, it stains, it's nasty. And when the bleeding stops, that is generally taken to be a good thing, even though it is happening to clean and close the wound. We really don't care about that, we would just like to not be dripping blood from an open wound. But death stops bleeding, just as effectively as any bandage or suture. Is that any good? Not really, though it certainly does solve the bleeding problem. :)

In the end, bleeding is a necessary part of life and of healing. Emotionally, what you're doing these days is the equivalent of bleeding from a still open wound. Don't be so quick to shut it down or shut it off. Deal directly with the wound instead, and don't worry so much about the bleeding, no matter how inconvenient.

I wish you the very best in your healing process. Good luck!!!