Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi all, Im new to these forums and I can't believe what I am reading here. I could have written so many of these posts. I have only just learned what N is and that my sister is definitely an N. I had always had trouble getting along with my sister, since we were children. She treated me like she hated me. She would deliberately put tears in my new clothes, "loose" important possessions of mine and gossip about me to anyone that would listen. I had a breakdown in 02 after having my daughter, and my N sis literally managed to use this as a weapon against me, by telling family members I was crazy etc whilst sitting there and smiling at me. I have lost a great deal of family members and my FOO is so screwed up, as my father is an N too. Last night after reading these boards I put my head on my hubbys chest and cried myself to sleep. I have tried so hard to have a relationship with her, but she is so cruel to no end and continues to do so. I could never understand why she gained pleasure in seeing me suffer - now I do. I am 3 weeks into NC and feeling so utterly exhausted at all of this. I am grieving for the relationship I will never have with my sister. I am tired of the abuse. I am so desperately saddened and hurt by what she has done to me. I feel completely lost

Does anyone have any advice for coping with the first few months of NC?

You're in the right place. I'm so glad you have a strong shoulder to cry on.
It has been so hard to accept that my sister will not get better. That she will continue to struggle to keep her failing fantasy together and take everyone around her down when it falls apart. She has surrounded herself with the weakest most vulnerable of us and seeks to punish those who do not play the part that she has assigned them. As far as I'm concerned, it is the best thing for me that I have no contact with my sister ever again.
I remember as a kid giving her the biggest piece of everything to avoid the tantrum she would throw if she felt slighted. Decades later, anything short of worship is grounds for extermination. It was hard enough when I learned she might be an N. When I realized how delusional she really is (might be a P) I was devastated. It has been hard and I worry for my mother who is being punished for having me first and god knows what else. My illusion of the good sister is as fragile and tenacious as my sister's illusion of being a God. Acceptance is a bitter pill to swallow but freedom is worth the effort. Peace.

Thanks for your reply scarlett. Its definitely the "illusion" of what a sister should be like that stopped me from taking a stand against my N sis. Im lucky I do have support, and even though its only been less than a week since I wrote my post, I am already feeling better about NC with her. She has tried calling me (a month after after sending me an email telling me she wanted nothing to do with me any more) but I refuse to give up NC. Its like a fog has lifted and I can see so much clearer now. I am remembering things too, that I forgot - probably deliberately to make it easier to have a relationship with her.
NC is so freeing!

I have been in your shoes and I know it is not easy. Especially after you realize that your whole relationship was an illusion, not to mention all the emotion and love you put into it. My husband who has an N mother described it as an emotional bank account that has been drained because they put nothing into it. I am 1 year into no contact and at first you think that you should forgive the N and excuse her behavior because you are the normal one and she is ill. Don't do it because it will be the same cycle all over again. What will happen is within you, you will change and become more determined to protect yourself. You will move on and be happier and free. Yes! Free! The constant drain on you will be over and you can actually devote your time and emotions to the people who truly love you back. Take it one day at a time and don't beat yourself up for severing the relationship. Biological siblings are an accident of birth and you have no obligation to them whatsoever. You have an obligation to be the best you can be for yourself and your children. No contact with my sister is the best thing I ever did for my emotional health. I don't have that evil person in my life sabotoging my relationships with others, especially with my husband, no more gossip and dealing with her battles against the world. And finally no more feeling responsible for her life that she flushed down the tubes but is happy to blame on everyone else. This is your time, use it to go over the things that left you utterly confused. Think about how your mutual friends looked at you funny for no reason. N's relish in attacking others and they live to bring you down to feel better. You may not stay NC forever, but you will deal with her in a different way. She will be the person in your life who you are related to but have no real connection to, because IT IS NOT POSSIBLE. Love yourself and your family. We understand completely. Use this website, read the posts often and write as often as you can. Happy Healing!

oh my! i just found this place and like you, i have been reading things that could very well have been passages of my life with my N sister.
i feel so badly for you and i know what its like to mourn a relationship that never was, or what you wished could have been. from a very early age my N sister has hated me, she would claim otherwise at times when she was having a "good" period, but it only messed me up more. i would think things were actually looking up for us, then BOOM! she would knock me down again emotionally or by doing something backhanded and cruel.
like you, i too tried for years to please her and do things for her to make things right between us, i was always the one apologizing, even though i had done nothing wrong.

i am at a place of utter confusion now and even though i have done the best to insulate myself from her talons of hate, it has managed to ruin my holiday once again.
i do hope you find some help here, as i hope to...it truly is "utterly exhausting".

[color=#000080]I deluded myself that my 44 year old sister was maybe highstrung but good at heart despite every evidence to the contrary over the decades. When my mother died last summer; I dont have words for how upset I ewas to arrive at her house to discover my sister and her boyfriend and another friend pillaging the house in the name of looking for the will( which was never found although an earlier one turned up.) She took over the day manipulated a disbelieving me into going elsewhere while she made all the arrangements( and to this day I still dont think my mother has been buried). Many of mother's things disappeared yet she screamed and raged at me over things she invented. In self protection I went NC and it has been a good is painful decision. Relatives have come forward to tell me how badly she has treated them, while I dont hear from others( indluding her children whom I adore). I have no spouse or children and am semi retired. Perhaps when the estate is finally settlerd I ll be able to move on, but meanwhile I keep having dreams about her and my mother ( who lived a combination of narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder I believe after long discussions with therapists). Sometimes the dreams are punishing of me; other times we are all living happily ever after with my sister as a loving youngster, and I wake to the loss. Does anyone else have ongoing dreams and a solution? I am tired of therapy; I think I need to find ways to be happy as I face my 63 year. I was always trying to please Mother and never succeeding of course. The dreams are a real setback. Any advice?

That struck a pang in my heart when you mentioned 63 years of struggle. You deserve to see the light of day. No more waiting for things to be OK. I found something that helped me when I was caught in a waiting game where I felt I had no control while life sorted itself out.
I took on the things that I could have control over. I could work hard, be determined and make things work. It wasn't about the accomplishments. It was about doing something. It was like a side game I played with myself to keep me focussed on things that I can make sense of. It wasn't all optimism and sunshine, but I refused to 'feel' helpless.
If there is something that you want to do, that is even better. Give yourself permission to dig into something. You may not be at the top of your game during the adjustment period after being abused, or even after being freed of abuse. But you can be surprised by your own strength even now. You don't need to overdo it, you'll be even stronger later on. Sometimes you don't need to figure it all out, you just need to start somewhere.
Get fed up. Take back your control. Surround yourself with people who provide positive relationships, even if that is only one person and the relationship is limited. I relate to what you are going through in so many ways and hope you can find some good direction for the rest of your life.
It will be good to hear about your journey ahead. You have unique wisdom to impart to the struggles we face in our lives.