Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I've been NC with sister for coming on 20 months, not 100% NC but fairly close to it. I only see her by accident.
Now I have to deal with her because my mother is in the cardio unit. Will have to have either echocardiogram or angiogram.
Sister has the need to be in control of everything in regard to mother, so she decided to only tell us the day after mum is in hospital. I told sister on the phone it was not a great thing to be told the day after,if mum dies I dont want to be told a day later, and Of course she takes it as an attack. How am I going to deal with this person? Sister has kept mum distant from her other daughters,with her lies, and sister is the golden girl.
How could my mother seriously believe N sister is compassionate?
My healthy sister let her guard down and told mum last week, she wanted to be a division 2 nurse and would take on study. Mum says "Everyone can be a nurse, and they usually do it to look prestigious, mum goes on to say, I have entertained the idea of one of my daugthers being a nurse, she say healthy daughter 1 a nurse - no, healthy daughter 2- no, healthy daughter 3 -no,

daughter no 4- yes, and you know why? Because of her compassion Mother knows about 4% of her N daughter and she defends her anyway, this sister could be an axe murderer and mum would say they deserved it.
With mum everday is opposite day.
I sensed my N sister was on a high this day, getting all buzzy with the drama.

I dont know how to deal with this person, if anyone can give me a fairly direct approach I really appreciate it. I am still living under the guilt, as I found out today, by the way I felt in their presence.

I'm not normally inpatient, but I am dealing with this person currently. Can someone please look at my post. She looked really sooky and sulking today. I am keeping the conversation light. Not asking anything about her personal life and really only talking personal with mum about her medical tests.

Hi there Magnum. Sure sounds like a tricky situation for you right now.
I would hate to have to see any of my NFOO after so long No contact.

I am keeping the conversation light. Not asking anything about her personal life and really only talking personal with mum about her medical tests.

That sounds like a great way to handle the situation. It's how I used to be when I was low contact with the N's and P's. It can work for a short time. I have never found it to work long term though, the N's will ALWAYS find a way to create maximum DRAMA from even light conversation. Still, a good way for you to go in your current situation by the sounds of it.
And

I am still living under the guilt, as I found out today, by the way I felt in their presence.

That sounds like a really positive realisation you've had! Sounds like a great break through for you!

I have to say, I'm not really the person to give you advice because I am totally NC with ALL FOO and anyone and everyone around them. Including Deaths, Illness, Births, Funerals and even law suites (I have my lawyer stand in for me, plus my Hubby acts as my Power of Attorney when required, so they have no real access no me)
I have gone so far as to have AVO's out on a couple of my own family. They're not good for my sanity. I even moved states.

Recently my Grandmother was in hospital with a heart attack, and it may sound heartless of me, but I didn't even send flowers. That's how NC I am. She hasn't done anything to me...it's just, she's part of the big FOO picture, and at this stage, I can't cherry pick bits of my family out. They're all lumped in together. Like I said, for my sanity (and Hubby's). Once I start sending flowers then I know the "hoovering" begins, they know I care, they start to pounce and I get more emails etc. Not worth it for me.

So I'm trying to remember back when I was Low Contact. Keeping conversations light like you are, helped. Also just leaving the room when things got nasty. Not answering back when they try to provoke me. (Sounds like you are doing that to avoid Nsis rage)

I tried to go NC with just a couple of my family, but after a few months stuff like what you're going through now kept happening, and I had a heart attack from stress and realised my life just wasn't worth it.
I cut them ALL out.
I figured since all the family and cousins etc KNEW my sister and parents were horrible to me they couldn't expect me to be around FOR ANY REASON.
I count them all as Enablers.
(is your Mom an enabler of your Nsis? sounds like she is, and that must be hard on you)

If you are strong, all the best to you. My heart (literally) could not take what you are going through.

I'm so sorry I don't have any advice for you. Only my experience.
I wish you all the best.
And a big CONGRATULATIONS on your realisations about how you feel around them....that's a fabulous breakthrough.
Remember, that guilt is NOT YOURS, it's theirs, they project it onto you without your permission. (N's favourite trick)

I really hope someone here has more advice for you.
Best of luck with it all!
(Also, try posting your question on the ACON part of the board, you may get more response on that one)

Magnum,

So sorry for what you're having to endure.

The only rule that helps me when having to communicate with N is the "Don't JADE" rule. Don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Just do what you have to do. JADE-ing gets you nowhere with the personality disordered, as they only hear what they want to hear, and will turn anything you say into something to use against you either when you're talking or later.

Chin up. I agree with KL that it sounds like mom enables your Nsis.

The only rule that helps me when having to communicate with N is the "Don't JADE" rule. Don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Just do what you have to do. JADE-ing gets you nowhere with the personality disordered, as they only hear what they want to hear, and will turn anything you say into something to use against you either when you're talking or later.

Mariemarie, that is such a BRILLIANT comment!!
I thought it would help a couple of people over in the ACON board, so I hope it's okay with you: I copied your quote, and posted it for the others. I also made sure the quote had your name on it and also wrote that it is your quote.
I just wanted you to know. If that's not okay, please let me know, and I won't do that again.

It really is a fantastic, succinct way to explain communicating (or not) with Narcs and Ps.
And so very true.
Thanks for the wise words

KL,

Of course it's ok. It's certainly not my original idea, and even if it were, this is a public board, so once anything's out there, it's out there! I think I learned it from a comment on Anna Valerious' blog a while back. It's a great, easy rule to remember! I'm glad you shared it some more.

I dont know how to multi quote. But I would love to thank the people here for taking the thought and time to respond to me.

I looked up abbreviations on the forum and FOO is not here and for the life of me I cant figure this one.

I went to see mum in hospital yesterday to visit and she had been home 4 hours, another attempt to get me upset was to not let me know.

I ask the head nurse what mum's diagnosis was and she said the doctor has let mum's daughter know the diagnosis and I said, I am mums daugther and that person is a poor commuicator, so I want to know from a doctor myself.

I rang Nsister and all she could say, was "oh, I just got home', but she took mum home, so she had opportunity, I just can't be bothered with her and am rightly reminded of my NC.

Thankyou KL and Mariemarie.

Is it a huge reg flag that I am aware of the fact I feel guilt in their presence, it sure feels bad to feel it. How is that a breakthrough? I want to know how to lose that feeling.
I am just not worth courtesy to her, but she has always been this way, it should be no surprise.

She idolises "Betty Boop" and collects everthing based on it. Betty Boops slogan--'its all about me'

FOO family of origin.
Took me a while to find that one too.

So sorry they are awful to you, then you feel guilty. They project their shame onto you. Even once you figure out how that works, it is hard to shake. Easier to stay away, because Ns won't stop. It's one of the many horrid ways they have to act in order to survive.