Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi I am new to this site today. I have been searching and reading everything I can my hands on, but nothing seems to sink in. I am at a very low point and just cant seem to get back into life. I have been with an N for 4 years (of course on and off). As you all know, he belittled me and my family and friends. I now see that he could be a N, but have a hard time really believing it. It is usually me that goes back begging and pleading, saying I can change, but it is always something else that needs changing. I am lonely and cant believe I let this happen to me. Right now Im considering texting him. What is the pull? Why cant I break the chains like he can.

Hi Jordan
As you read around the site, you'll find that most of us that can go 'No Contact', and that though it is hard, it gets easier and better with time.
I'd say, don't text him.

Axle and Aisha, thank you for your support and sharing information and your experiences.
Today was tough! I changed my phone number, which was the final route in which contact could be made between my ex N and I! It was tough, not necessarily in a bad way...I guess when I do things for me, I experience a flood of emotions because actions like that in the past never really came to fruition. For example this morning I was getting ready to leave the house, and while putting on makeup and getting dressed, I was listening to Tina Turner, David Bowie, Bruce Springstein, and etc. I started dancing, just being silly and spirited me! I even danced with my cocker spaniel (although I don't think he was too ecstatic about it)! After I stopped, I looked in the mirror and my face was lit up...then I started crying. I think it was the first time in two years that I was able to let down my guard; to be myself, dance, laugh, and cry. In that moment of looking at myself in the mirror, it hurt so much, because I knew the reflection that was staring back at me had been silenced, discarded, and reprimanded so many times!
I am not sure if thinking or writing about this is healthy, but after the above experience, I thought about the irony of it all. Here I was standing, face-to-face, with my own reflection, which represented the huge part of me that was abused and neglected in the relationship with the N. Here's the irony: the ability that I had to recognize and acknowledge the part of me that had been abused and thus lost for so long is precisely what the N lacks or fears to the Nth degree (no pun intended My ex N is an emotionally abused boy (I met the mother...WHOA! Talk about stealth and cunning!) stuck in a grown man's body. Because his abuse occurred so long ago, as a little boy, he felt overwhelmed and did not have the resources available to process and resolve his pain and confusion. As a result, he dealt with the pain and hurt, as most children of trauma do, by distorting, dismissing, avoiding, repressing, and devaluing his experiences, emotions, and behaviors. As my ex N said in one of his rare moments of lucidity, "It's all self-preservation."
Although, already examined and noted, this type of thinking is what can get me in trouble. Because I work in the field of understanding and feeling empathy for people, I often go down that road with my ex N. I have to remember what my therapist told me, "You see him as a scared and abused little boy, on one hand, but at other times, you see him as an adult abuser with no heart. It's not either or. Is it possible that he is both: an abused and scared little boy who has grown up to be a rotten, cold-hearted abuser?" After that epiphany, my therapist also explained that adult Ns do know right from wrong, and can distinguish between a person in pain and a happy person. It's when the N dismisses what's right and dismisses the pain someone is experiencing, when the element of choice begins disappearing. It's the same as substance abusers: when they are sober, they have the choice to pick up a drug or not, but when they pick up the drug, they no longer are able to choose.
Okay, talk about intellectualizing....

I started dancing, just being .....spirited me! ...... After I stopped, I looked in the mirror and my face was lit up...then I started crying. I think it was the first time in two years that I was able to let down my guard; to be myself, dance, laugh, and cry.

That sounds like a healing experience.
Maybe we should all dance, or whatever makes us feel good, and then look at ourselves in the mirror, to see ourselves as we really are
[and not the N's dirty, warped projection mirror]

I caught sight of myself in the side window of a van yesterday, after three days of camping at a festival. Unkempt, but looking just fine, and very strong. That felt good.

Yo yo - at the very top left of your screen you should see "board index." You can hit that and see all of our areas at that main page.

To start your own thread, click "post new thread" and you can start your own discussion.

Hope that helps.