Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

With thanks to MercyMe, author of this excellent post.



"Can one or both of you please put in easy language why and how a n/p does the smear campaign? How they go about involving so many others...such as friends you have had for years? Why they target you rather than someone else....or why it seems to keep hapening to you. In other words what am I doing wrong to be the target of them.I am trying to explain this to someone and am not being believed....I can show them what you write and hope they finally get it...Thanks....."


I can try. :) Please note that when I use the term "N/S/P" I am referring to narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths: those specific folks who fit the diagnostic criteria set forth by the DSM-IV-TR for any Axis II, Cluster B personality disorder, but especially NPD and AsPD. "N" is narcissist, but it might as well be N/S/P because there is just SOOOO much overlap in the behavior and traits between these disorders. I'll try not to use any more jargon than that. :)

It might be easier to back up a bit, because the problem isn't really the smear campaign, the problem is an incredible lack of honesty, a willingness to exploit, high risk and/or thrill seeking behavior, combined with no conscience whatsoever. The smear campaign is a byproduct of that.

So when you're an N (a narcissist, someone with NPD) in world full of non-Ns, wanting everything they have, feeling it is your absolute right to take it at will, yet recognizing that non-Ns do have the power to deny your conquests and take punitive action against you IF they find out what you're really up to and your true motivations, the smear campaign makes a lot of sense.

The mistake that people make about Ns -- and the one I think maybe your friend can't wrap his head around -- is a complete inability, even unwillingness, to believe that ANYONE, much less someone of their acquaintance, could really be that cold, that calculating, that unfeeling, that uncaring. But that's what NPD is. That's what sociopathy is. They really ARE that deliberately deceitful and manipulative. And the general professional concensus is that it's 4% of the general population, or one in every 25 people you meet.

So when you look at it from that angle -- someone who is incredibly adept at knowing what reward (or alternately, threat) you hold for them long before you even get to know them, someone whose facility for charm routinely fools even the experts, someone who feels it is literally your (and my) place in society to hand them whatever they may want at that given moment, the why and how of the smear campaign gets real clear. Simply put, the smear campaign is both a pre-emptive strike AND a control/punishment method N/S/Ps use for damage control. By trash talking you LONG before you know what's happening, LONG before you have any idea what is said, they can discredit any possible accusation or truth you may eventually tell AND maximize it to make others feel sorry for them and make everything your fault.

The problem is that people do not want to actually believe that anyone else can be that evil, period. Until and unless someone gets victimized by one of these disordered people, they cannot imagine -- literally -- that anyone could or would be so bad. It screws with their picture of the universe. But these normal folks are the same people who are used to doing the right thing, having integrity, being honest when no one else is looking, who do not deliberately and knowingly do bad things or hurt others or exploit people who love them. And thank God for that! :) But ask any addict: when there is something more important than life to you, and you become willing to lie, cheat and steal even from those who love you most, anything is possible. And a tool to not only deflect suspicion away from you, but simultaneously discredit any witnesses AND garner sympathy, becomes very valuable indeed. That tool is the smear campaign. And if your friend says, "People just don't DO that sort of thing!" well, yes they do. It's well documented. It's in the DSM-IV-TR and everything. No need for him to rely on your word alone.

Unfortunately, once you get in the sights of an N/S/P it is very, very difficult to break free. The closer you are and thus the more you know of them, the more obsessed they are with controlling you, positioning you, and absolutely ensuring that no one, NO ONE will EVER believe a word you say. Even years later!!! They just don't give up. It doesn't even matter if you would never speak a word against them, nor does it matter if you have no knowledge (yet) that they have done anything wrong. N/S/Ps ***ALWAYS*** have a secret life, a secret past they cannot afford for anyone else to know about, a trail of victims that they must keep separated. And canny beings that they are, they know that if you have any integrity of your own, sooner or later you'll wake up to it. So at the same time they are saying everything they think we want to hear, busy keeping the stars in our eyes, they are quite happily and knowingly painting quite a different picture of us to others, ESPECIALLY anyone whom we might trust and go to for help, or who might trust us over the N. Hence the rapid and often repeated involvement of close family and friends.

And they do it very, very well. Do not underestimate the charm of these creatures. They study their target like textbooks, very deliberately learning what makes us tick, so that they can make themselves out to be the perfect lover/soulmate/friend and simultaneously protect themselves from the inevitable day of our disillusionment and discovery of their true nature, when we go running to our friends and family with our shock, disbelief and pain. They don't come into our lives wearing a red suit holding a pitchfork: they look like you and me. And when they start the smear campaign, they do it drop by drop -- a hint here, an omission there, an occasional sigh or wistful, sad look -- and go from there. Like Defender says, they plant seeds, and in such a way you don't even know they just did. They are MASTERS at painting pictures of human beings that simply DO NOT EXIST except in their imagination. Even when, as sometimes happens, the facades are all ripped away and they are publicly revealed for what they are, they will go to their dying day insisting that they were misunderstood, it was all your fault, you turned everyone against them, they have concerns for your sanity, you were abusive and dishonest, yada yada yada. And people still believe them, even when the proof of their overwhelming dishonesty and wrongdoing has been in front of their eyes all along.

But as Martha Stout says, an expert who has written on sociopathy, often the most sign you'll ever get up front that you're dealing with a disordered person is repeated plays on your pity. They love that. Pity keeps your normal defenses turned off, your willingness to help high, and your flexibility open to them. Accusing others of egregious and repeated wrongdoing is perfect way to get, and keep, your pity. Don't be deceived. They are REALLY REALLY REALLY good at what they do, and what they do is exploit.

That, and N/S/Ps tend to congregate: where one N/S/P is, you'll often find several, with interlocking entourages of enablers (people who do not challenge them on the obvious, preferring rather to believe that they are all good and it really is all your fault) and proxies (people who go a step further and actually help the N/S/P, usually by censoring and shunning you based on the N's lies). So people who are truthtellers, people who have nothing to offer them and/or people who see them for what they are, DO tend to be repeatedly targeted. Cookie, you are eligible on all three counts.

Miss Cookie, I hope that helps. The one thing I absolutely cannot write, though, is what you must be doing wrong. In the end, all you have to do wrong is *exist*, and frankly, I find your existence a blessing. :)

I hope you share my story with your friend, written months ago, and remind him that I post on this forum completely anonymously: no one knows who I am, I can neither defend myself nor accuse any specific person by means of this forum, and there is absolutely nothing for me to gain by sharing what I share here, except the help and support of others who have been through it too. Neither you nor any other person here knows -- or can know -- my real name. So why would I up and defend you, or spend a goodly amount of time writing what I just did, unless these people exist AND I had been through it too, long before I ever met you?

And the one thing I would advise your friend to do, BEFORE he makes any rock solid judgements regarding the truth of what you're telling him now -- whatever it is -- is to ask himself one question: has he ever SEEN with his own eyes, or HEARD with his own ears, you *personally* do or say anything like that of which you have been accused? In other words, if you have been accused of theft, has he ever seen you steal or heard you talk about how easy it would be? If you have been accused of lying, has he personally ever found you to be dishonest in ANY way? Has he personally ever caught you in a lie, or even found your statements to be even a little unreliable or inaccurate? If you have been accused of abusive behavior, has he personally ever seen you lose your temper without cause, show self-justifying thought patterns, seen others close to you (other than the N and Nproxies) behave with fear and caution toward you as though you really were abusive behind closed doors? And so on. I believe that if your friend reflects on what he has personally seen and heard, he will find -- as so many of us have found to our intense pain and heartbreak -- that all the *signs*, if there are any, center around someone else, and someone else's words and behavior. If he calls himself your friend, he will do you at least this honor, the honor of looking at you, really looking at YOU, and seeing who you really are.

I hope this helps!!![/b]