Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

Dear Friends

Recently after much introspection I have come to the realization of so many things, one of which that some of my family members may well have mental illnesses, and possibly a psyho or two,,,this saddens me to the core as I realize this has set me up for what transpired in my life.

forgive me for not going into details, however without you, I think the totality of it all would not have been apparent to me, and although I can find forgiveness I dont want contact with those that I feel do not have my best interests at heart. Tis a divorce of sorts from some family members and such a sadness, I often wonder if the truth in this lifetime does actually come out,,,does it,.

Not sure if I am developing a paranoia,,,which i doubt, just so much more subtle at picking up ques from people's behavior as to what their motivations may be, and becoming very sensitive to others. Is this a bad thing, setting up limits as to what I will tolerate from people, and learning how to detach from issues that are so not my problem, or distortions as people really dont know the truth.

My intentions have always been do no harm, and I dont have an anger management problem, but with psychopaths, there is no winning, its always a losing game, I see that now, it really is best to stay away from them, some are very good at deception with those around them.

I have seen psycho's at my work, definately in my personal life, at the expense of others, at work they are climbers and are only interested in what gain you are to them at that particular moment.

sorry if this is vague
hope you can follow my drift,
thanks for listening
ocean

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 311 Location: USA

Ocean, my family is riddled with mental illness, alcohol abuse and abusive behavior.

I tell people all the time that I think the milkman dropped me off because I am so different than they are. Truly, our values, demeanor, attitude about life, etc are very very different.

The one good thing that I take away from all of that is that what I endured at their hands helped me set the standards by which I live my life. I am very proud of this, but also sad because I had to leave my family "behind" so to speak. I was sad for a long time too because I wished I could show them there was a better way to live their lives.

Hang in there. It is work to deal with the emotions.
_________________
"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

Hi Ocean....Let me begin by saying how sorry I am you have had to realize this....It's not an easy thing to realize...and I know just what your going thru.....Often it is who we grew up with that can set us up to be ripe pickings for a p....sure was in my case.N/c can be done to family members too..I did it 4 years ago when I was divorcing the most abusive man in the world and my 2 sisters refused to ask me(ever) how I was or did I need anything....it was just so obvious how they didnt give a damn....then one of them had a party for her son and daughter and I went and it was the 1st time either of my sisters had seen my 4 month old grandaughter and one of them kept saying how fat the baby was...how stupid her outfit looked....nothing good to say about the baby.....then we sat down with my dad and he got up and moved to another table....Then we noticed p was there...he had been invited!!! I was installing xtra locks on my doors and security alarms and they were inviting him to MY family doings.....My daughter called her grampa the next day and asked him how dare he treat her mother that way and he denied doing anything wrong...then his wife got on the phone and told daughter how much she has changed for the worse.......That was the start of N/C with all of them....they totally have not 1 word for daughter....not much for me either....I suggest you do it if you can....I no longer have to explain why I left a cheater and abuser...such a relief Exclamation

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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

40fab · Joined: 10 Mar 2007 Posts: 22

Ocean,

Nobody's family is perfect. During my personal growth I've noticed some things about members of my family and realized how things affected me in my personal life too. Just like you I made the decision to pot up boundaries and keep some individuals at a distant. I know that I'm a healthier person for this. Besides, there where things I did not want my children growing up believing was normal and/or acceptable.

Keep your head up

Very Happy

_________________
40fab

Hummingbird · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 40

Hi Ocean,

So sorry to hear that you've had to come to some very hard realizations about your family. Growth is painful sometimes. I think that when we learn how to really take care of ourselves, we want to be protected from hurtful people. Unfortunately, that many times means protection from family members.

It was those very people who primed us to be the targets for more pain. I've learned to do two things: one is to completey extricate myself from people who I now know are unhealthy for me. This has included both males and females -- so-called friends who continued to take advantage of me and not be supportive of my efforts to get healthy. Two, is to create strong boundaries with people who I don't want to completely cut off, but need to severely limit contact with. For those people, I have developed one-liners to deal with their inevitable put downs and undermining comments. Things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." (Not that I really do, but it's a dead-end comment that can't go anywhere. Or "Why would you say something so hurtful?" which puts it right back in their court.

In the end, I have to stick up for myself because no one else will. Even if they get mad (and they do) I don't end up getting mad at myself. They will simply have to pout or whatever it is they do. Detaching then works so I don't feel bad about "causing" their poor behavior. It's such a struggle, and so draining. Sometimes I feel like planning a vacation for every holiday, just to avoid all of it. If anyone has other strategies please chime in.

Thanks for sharing, Ocean. You're not alone.

Hummingbird
_________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.

-Thoreau

stillsmilen · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 355

My heart always breaks when I hear of kids having to grow up in bad situations, my heart goes out to you guy's for what you have endured!! Crying or Very sad

In my case it was the opposite, I grew up in a very loving household, and I think that too set me up to be a victim, as it never occured to me that seemingly nice, seemingly normal, seemingly upstanding people could actually be evil. Shocked

For that reason when the reality hit me upside the head (figurativly) I never saw it coming!!! Rolling Eyes

But one thing's for sure... Boy have I learned a very valuable (albiet very painful) lesson. Wink

And I agree I now see P's & N's EVERYWHERE!!! Shocked

Which is good, now me and my children are aware of what's out there, and many of my friends, and family members who were blissfully unaware, are now aware. Wink

stillsmilen
_________________
I made him very sorry that he chose me as a victim!!!
He may have knocked me down, but I got right back up... And kicked his a**!!
(metaphorically speaking ofcourse, but if he hadn't gotten the PPO, I probably would have done it literally too!!)

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

Thank you so much for your replys it means so much to me, the situation is getting much worse, my family member is in crisis, and no one knows what to do, she has exusted all her avenues and everyone is leaving me to pick up the ball.

Because i am a nurse, the family decided she should come and live with me, she suffers from mental illness and delusions, when in crisis it all comes down to me to sort out and deal with the fallout. I think I am played out of the caretaker role.

But my heart is one of compassion where is this old lady to go,if she leaves a home that is safe and goes as she plans to live alone, it will be disasterous. I have spoken with a physician and he feels she needs drugs but we cannot force anyone on pyschotropics against their wishes, unfortunately he feels things have to get much worse for her to be admitted anywhere, because basically she is healthy.

She was a long standing history of mental depression amoung other things, honestly it was out of the good of my heart and thinking she would love the ocean and freedom to be along the coast where she can go out everyday, and she has a wonderful garden to play in,,but if she suffers any setbacks she blames it on me,,and i have nothing to do with it, she feels i dont give her enough time,,,

Ipray this gets sorted out, due to the unbelievable suffering i see her in,,it is unbearable, and it is causing me so so much stress, she has involved others who continually phone and awaken me with questions, yet are willing to do nothing,

Taking care of older family members is a labour of love, and one that is very difficult,,,that is all i know,,,

Shame on my family for leaving me with this to deal with alone,,,but they all have their own issues.
My life has always been taking care of others,,,
Maybe i am burned completely out,,

And this P,,,really did a number on my trust issues, i am surprised i am sharing this much with you

Thanks for listening
and blessings on your lives/days
ocean

alamobelle3 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 615 Location: San antonio Texas

Hi Ocean -

I am so sorry - My husband and I spent a decade caring for my parents while my siblings went on with their own lives. When my husband became disabled and our mother required attention and I called both of my siblings to tell them they were going to have to deal with her; you should have heard the howling . They tried everything to force me to continue to shoulder the responsibility . I refused to back down and I stuck to my guns. I told them to work it out between them. Our mother got the care she needed but not before alot of damage was done to the
r/s between all of us. I went NC with my Nbrother and very limited contact with our sister. Been NC 9 months now with Nbrother and
r/s with our sister remains superficial and distant even though we live
close to each other.
I had total strangers show more concern and provide more support than
my own family.
_________________
illegitimis non carborundum

Ginger Rodgers matched Fred Astaire step for step only she did it backwards and in high heels !

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

dear alamobel

I hope i spelled your name correctly, i called all my family today to help deal with this crisis, some hung up on me, and others are incommunicado, i did speak with the physician and he said shame on them for leaving this all in my hands,

Ijust want to cry seeing what they are made of, they sent her to me,,because they did not want to deal with this,,well true colours do reveal themselves,,,i feel so sad,,its the worse form of betrayal,,,

How can this be,,my god,
thank you for sharing your experience, i see more N's in my family than i thought.

i wish you peace,,and pray for peace here,,
I so dont need this in my life, i was only trying to help someone,,
oh brother,,,
ocean
life teaches us many things, and just how incapable some people are when it comes to the crunch

alamobelle3 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 615 Location: San antonio Texas

Ocean - spelling close enough - dont sweat it

I wish i had a magic solution for you - I just dont .

Guess sending her back is not possible ?

Wishing a good outcome for you.
_________________
illegitimis non carborundum

Ginger Rodgers matched Fred Astaire step for step only she did it backwards and in high heels !

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

Ocean: I wish I could say it will all go away and they will step in & help but who am I kidding?

I have walked in your shoes...beg my brother and his wife to help when our Mom was battling cancer. UH UH NO WAY! Too busy have a family...Then when she was on her last breath, stood in the hospital and told me I didn't do enough. I turned and walked away. My heart was all ready in pieces and he just shattered the rest. I got more help with her and Dad from relatives and church members than I did my own brother. Wonder why our relationship is not very close anymore.

I again witnessed this by the NH's family. They were too busy too care for their father (help)
I stepped in and helped their Mom.

I too was raised in a caring loving family surrounded by the "village" relatives, neighbors, church family...Everyone pitched in and help. I don't know what happened to my brother..I think the wife (who I suspect of being N, she sure did like to be #1)

Anyway are the mental health facilities that she is a part of that can help you? or does she not want this?

Post if you have to relieve the stress.

Thinking of you

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

the dilemna here is she is not my mom, but granny, everyone is fed up wtih her duel diagnosis that has been so mismanaged and her own stubborn attitude.

The doctors said i must get tough with her, and either say you take drugs, and go to seniors centre which is one block away three times a week,,,or you find somewhere else to live

I have not had the courage, she is like a little frightened girl,,i must do this now...i feel so bad,,she is extremely paranoid of everything/one, and it is starting to affect my health.

She has locked herself in her room for two days now, coming out i am sure when i am not around, i gave her space and will not invade,,i see her physician today,,

I dont know how much longer i can do this without family support,,,i feel devastated with the response i get,,
ocean