Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Sillydilly · member Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 32

Feels good to be able to tell people who understand how you feel you wasted your life up until the point you discovered They were N and you were NOT all the horrid things they say you are.

Alway I am always told how smart I am, why didn't I become _______.
All I can think of is how abused I was during home work. How during every study session I was told how stupid I was, knocked in the head, yelled at, called an idiot and then they would scream at me that I don't succeed. The abuse had scared me out of asking them for help, or to tell them I was not grasping an idea. The thought or hiring a tutor and admitting to themselves that they might be injuring my self esteem never entered their minds, for they were perfect. I was too afraid to ask the teachers for help because they probably thought I was stupid to. A few times I was told to ask my parents for help and I silently tried to scream in my head "NO! They hurt me and hurt me in my mind, they make me feel stupid, they hurt my heart and call me an idiot"... After all I was stupid and an idiot so why bother, Only if I could somehow get good grades I thought. But my days in school were preoccupied with thoughts of them. Think in my head....Wow this is hard, I don't get it , if I raise my hand the teacher will think I am stupid. The kids who already see me as some freak, ugly, dumb girl will think I am dumber, I wish I was in art class, no I have to stop liking art because mommy and daddy don't want me to be an artist, I want her to love me, I will never get anywhere or make money being an artist, I am just dumb, I don't care they hate me anyway, how can i get her to love me, to stop being so mad, why does she purposely hurt me, why does she make daddy hate me, why doesn't she stop when people ask her to, why why why......." My head swimming with negative being judged in a new high school. Then the flip side was I did have a life there and friends that thought I was nothing like what my parents thought. They liked me, they thought I was funny and fun and sweet and nice. They thought I was smart and just didn't get it why I did so well in some classes yet so poor in others. I felt so alive being away from them....alive.

I am always so ALIVE when I am away from them.

I want to always feel alive.

Thanks for being there,
Sillydilly

Pugs · member Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 69

First, here is a HUG for you. Let's start today off right. You are not stupid, nor an idiot. You can express yourself much too well to be either. Our abuse is like the medival dungeon we have been put in our whole lives. That is a hugh stumbling block to our full potential. I am amazed that we do as well as we do. Dragging a few hundred pounds of abuse around all our lives is not easy. I'd like to see the N/P's drag their's around, and I'd bet they couldn't. We are survivors!

Sillydilly · member Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 32

Thank you as always pugs for the love and support.
Things have really been going great lately.
I have been working my plan of escape.
I just feeling the Nchild angsts today.

Thanks for helping me keep it together,
Sillydilly

Riccy101 · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Sillydilly.

N's are envious of everything we have. When they saw you studying, it made them feel threatened because one day you could leave the "nest" and become something better than what they were. They tried their best to put a stop to it.

When our N's are angry by something we do, it is not a reason to feel fearful or down trodden. On the contrary! It means we are doing something right. We are winning! Keep that in mind and you will look at things with a whole new perspective.

My goal in life is to make sure my N's are never "happy" with me, EVER again. When they seem content with me, I must be miserable, because I must be playing into their hands. Keep 'em mad as hell, and you'll be doing all right. Hee Hee...

Riccy

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

It is very hard to function when your mind is flooded with self-defeating thoughts. Everything becomes monumentally difficult. I've had moments of thought-free bliss: I was amazed how easy everything became! I could think clearly, I knew exactly the right thing to say, music sounded beautiful, colours were vibrant, I could taste flavours, I felt light on my feet!

So there is a way out of this mess: it is a matter of breaking down those psychological barriers that holds one back.

This quote is from the Dhammapada:

Though thousand times a thousand
in battle one may conquer,
yet should one conquer just oneself
one is the greatest conqueror.

Riccy101 · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Thay, and thank you! You are so right.

Riccy

Riccy101 · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

and Thay......

You wrote, "I could think clearly, I knew exactly the right thing to say, music sounded beautiful, colours were vibrant, I could taste flavours, I felt light on my feet!"

Happiness is a drug that no one will ever be able to manufacture or buy. It's what we strive for. All it takes is to learn to be true to oneself. It doesn't come from having extra money or being thin or handsome. It comes from inside when we are free of guilt, sourness and regrets.

Hopefully, in this group, we can learn to turn lose of the negative and focus our goals on the positive!

Thank you again.

Riccy

eyeswideopen · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 212

Wow Silly... I could have wrote that almost word for word, even the part about art.

I'm sorry your mother made you feel that way. It's all lies... I can tell, even from your posts, that you have a great personality! You are not & never were any of those things.

How wonderful it is when we see beyond the lies! Time may have been wasted... but we still have our futures!
_________________
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran

Cricket · member Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

I did major in art, after years of persuing other majors because

a) my mother was an artist and I was desperate not to follow in her crazy and pathetic footsteps

and
b) creating art made me happy, and therefor I didn't deserve to make it my life's work

Sad, yes? Fortunately my father supported my decision to go to art school (after I scared the pants off of everyone by leaving my liberal arts college and travelling the world) and now I am a working artist. My dad often assures me that I am nothing at all like my mom; while she is complaining that the world is ugly and criticizing the artistic choices of others, I am actually hustling and getting work done. So there. Nyaaah.

SD--have you considered taking art classes? Is there a local college or community arts organization where you could enroll? I teach art at a college now, and I am always blown away by the dedication and work that comes from my non-traditional aged students. They are always right on point, extremely hungry to learn, and so, so happy to be there. They are ferocious, and the other students (eighteen-year-olds who change their hair color every other day) rever these women. As do I.

Running2StandStill · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 84

Almost the same exact thing happened to me, Silly.

I tested as extremely gifted/talented in about the 3rd grade. At that time, the school I was in didn't have adequate facilities for advanced students, so they recommended that I go to a school a 20 minute bus ride away that had a G/T program. It was also a public school and the only change would have been where I went - no tuition, no transportation issues, etc.

That idea got poo-pooed because "I wouldn't make friends very well there" and "I don't want my child to be part of a think-tank". Read "I can't isolate her very well if she's 20 minutes away" and "I don't want my child to have any opportunities that I wish I'd had."

So by 6th grade I was a behavior problem and my grades were already dropping. I was just bored senseless.

In Jr. High I got placed into remedial classes due to my poor grades in grade school which was a fate worse than death. By my freshman year in high school I had failed or close to failed just about everything. I didn't even graduate on time (I was nearly 20 at graduation) and passed with a 1.62 GPA...a 1.5 is a D- average.

Also around freshman year was when NM's abuse became a campaign...there was literally NOT ONE MINUTE when I was in that house that I wasn't being lectured at or beaten. I mean that in the truest possible sense. It started the second I walked in the door and stopped only when/if I was allowed to go to sleep then started again the next morning. Kind of hard to do homework in that atmosphere.

Skipping ahead, I'm now in college with a 3.99 GPA and belong to 3 honor societies. If all goes well, I'll be graduating May 2008. I wasn't stupid, and I'm obviously not a failure.

Neither are you. You are VERY much alive and can do whatever you like.

escapedgoat · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Oh running, that's just awful what you went through. Your college triumph must taste all the sweeter!

I was into art too, and took classes. My dad did pay for and drive me to class (we all know he could have refused - so I don't know - should I cut him a break because he underwrote it and drove?), but he didn't want to know anything about what I did there. He was really cold if I ever showed him anything I did. The coldest reaction I received was to my best work. It was so confusing - the grim face, the total coldness. I won some scholarship money (not a total scholarship - I was far from the most talented) to go to a college course during high school and there was no reaction. No pride, congratulation or appreciation - just that cold wall.

Gradually, my enjoyment in doing art became tainted and poisoned. It was such a horrible experience. Hideous self-criticism and feelings of worthlessness came in where happiness and enjoyment and absorption had been before. I sort of knew it had to do with my dad, without understanding why. so I tried to reconcile it by doing a project that would incorporate my dad's world view as a scientist - but that was a total, total failure. Instead of freedom to think through different approaches and create, it was just a kiss of death - total constraint, inward rejection, negative feelings. And then I quit. A couple of times I took some classes pass/fail and then just community classes, to try to get around the horrible inner reactions and feelings of worthlessness and nihilism - and partially I did, but I always afterward had really mixed feelings that just didn't seem worth it to stir up - like mud at the bottom of a pond or something.

But it was like that about everything. There were various accomplishments of various kinds - but all were ignored, completely and totally - sometimes blatantly, sometimes just by never mentioning them. It's hard to even believe a parent would ever take time to appreciate the accomplishment of a kid or that a parent would even have been paying enough attention to notice what obstacles the kid had overcome, or how they had developed to achieve something, anything. I vow I will give this experience to my kid - to be seen and recognized and appreciated. Instead I always heard lots and lots and lots about my shortcomings and all the stuff I should be doing for him but nothing, never, never about anything good.

My feelings about this are so rock hard and come from such a long, long period of mistreatment that I doubt I will ever forgive it. And why should I since he would do the same again, given the same chance?

And I can't tell you how much it means to me to read the words of everyone here wrestling with similar experiences and making so much progress.

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

windinthetrees · member Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 152

I like riccy's comment about 'keeping the N's mad' or at least on their toes and not sure what to expect from us. That is a great way to look at things. It is hard for me to want anyone "mad" at me, I grew up as a people pleaser and put myself last, always. Sometimes (Although I am working on this)I don't even know what I want. My opinion or wants were not valued by the N in my childhood. My MIL is also an N and I think she just feigns interest in me and my opinions so she does not look bad to her son.

ANyway, I am new to the board as of this week and am amazed at how much I am relating to some of these posts. thank goodness I am not alone or crazy. Glad to meet all of you Smile

Sillydilly · member Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 32

Welcome wind!!!

Thanks for all the support everyone!

I love this forum!

Sillydilly

StainedClassKing · Guest