Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

I am 30 years old. I waited 10 years for the P to get out of prison...all for a lie. I've been doing really well lately. Until yesterday afternoon/today. I feel like I am falling apart. I want the criminal proceedings over with. I want the divorce over with. I want his dad to quit knocking on my door. I don't want the two of us to exist in the same world! I semi have it that way with him being incarcerated, but I made the mistake of reading his letters yesterday, they made me physically SICK! He almost killed me, he did unthinkable things to me in front of our baby and he wants me to "put it behind us!" Uggghhh.... He talked me out of getting an education all those years, with his promises of taking care of me. LIAR! I don't want to face anyone right now. I feel like I need to go to school, just for self satisfaction, but the thought of leaving my baby for someone else to take care of, I can't stand. I thought that we always agreed on that. I want to move far away, but where? how? I can work from home, but it would be much more convenient for someone to be here to take care of my baby while I do. If I move away I don't have that. But, I also don't have the constant FEAR! I'm tired of being scared all the time...

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1416

Hi Better,

I don't remember if you said you had PTSD? Maybe you do, it would be a totally understandable reaction for what you've been through........shiver!

What's up with his dad??? Can you get a RO against him or at least call the police??? Have you tried NC with him?

Where's your H now? Still in jail or out, pending the criminal proceedings? Hon, I'd be afraid too. What you are going through is normal for what you've been through. I would imagine you are probably being double-triggered by dredging up the memories about the H's abuse when it comes to the criminal proceedings. I feel for you. It's understandable to me that you are feeling stuck and afraid. Try to remember the fear is probably what is keeping you stuck.

Can you move now? If or when you can, you probably can find someone competent to take care of the baby while you work or go to school. It may take time to find someone you trust. Plan for that if you can.

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

Better:
I certainly understand where you are coming from. My PH's Dad would drive by the house several times a day "checking"on us. One of us almost always saw him.

I definately understand the feeling of falling apart. That is where I am at right now. I was getting ready to post a question about PTSD when Lemon brought it up. Watch for it.

What kind of work would you do at home?

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Lemon....Thanks...PTSD...yes...my aunt and uncle are psychologist/psychiatrist. They have been VERY helpful. I meet with my DV advocate next week and she has another lady there who specializes in DV she wants me to talk to. Then she will give me a referral to someone (other than family) who is familiar with sociopaths, who can help through this and with my concerns for the "what ifs" that my sone may have later.
His dad...he puts cards and letters in the door once or twice a week. Guilt trip, missing you, we'll get this worked out, etc. He is just an older version of the P. He took the P from his mother at gunpoint when he was 2. I'm scared to death that he is capable of this, as they feel my son is their "property."
He is in jail. HIs parole is revoked and his new charges all hold life sentences plus the habitual criminal. We have him recorded admitting to everything. I DREAD reliving that.
My lease is up in a couple months, but I could move now. I have another home, but he knows where it is, his dad even has a key (I could change locks). Sometimes I think maybe I should stay with a family member or friend, other times I think that may drive me crazier. I just wish I had a "magical" answer as to where to move far away to! Sad

Teri...Thanks...It's crazy. His dad is driving by the house. People he made mad when he was out is showing up at the house. People bang on the door all hours of the day and night. I don't know if it's his friends or enemies. He's a registered sex offender, so my address is also on that site. AHHHHHH!!!! (At home, I have some online work that I do. I just haven't been able to pull myself together to get it done. I feel like I cannot think straight. I've been on Xanax for months or I shake like crazy.) I even fear posting on here, that somehow someone will find it and tell him everything I say and he will come after me for that. I don't know how or when this nightmare will end. He is 100% known for his severe violence. I was warned, but didn't believe it. I can't imagine this dragging on through the courts.

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

I also am devastated at the friends I lost over this. I know I need to just get over that. But for whatever reason, it hurts really bad right now.

artichokeheart · Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:45 pm Post subject:

Can you move without moving far? I don't want you to lose your support system but if you moved even two blocks from where you are now your ex's father couldn't find you. Stick to no contact, try it with not just your ex but everybody who knows him or still interacts with him. No contact includes mail! Don't open it. If you must know what's in it have somebody else read it for you and then tell you if it's something you actually need to know about, like a threat or something you could use against him. Most likely it'll be the same old "I want you back" and "I can change" bs. And you sure don't need any more of that. Try to hold yourself together. This too shall pass...
-Teresa

artichokeheart · Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:51 pm Post subject:

God, I'm so glad you mentioned the friends aspect to all of this because I'm dealing with that right now myself. I have lost, literally, almost every single friend that I had when my husband and I were together. The people I saw on a daily basis, the people I was so kind to and such a good friend to... They are all still friends with him and not with me. Granted, a few of them I have had to cut off myself because whenever I saw them they only wanted to talk about my ex and why I should take him back... But most of them it's like they've just dropped off the face of the planet. I don't know if they believe him over me, or what the deal is.
I don't know what to tell you about this one. It hurts. It hurts really really badly and even thinking about all the effort it will take to make new friends is kind of daunting.
On the upside, I do consider the people on this board friends. Sure, I don't know them off of the internet. But they're nice, supportive, and always here when I need them... If you think about it like that maybe you won't feel quite as alone.
-Teresa

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thanks, Teresa...It does HURT! The people at church...they all believe GOD WILL CHANGE HIM...I am SOOOOO sick of hearing that! "Maybe you should give him another chance..." How many chances do I give him???? Until he FINISHES killing me?! Then the rest...oh...I am so overwhelmed with their NOSINESS!!! No Thanks! I sure have found out who my TRUE friends are and what shocked me the most who my true FAMILY is! I wish I could just pack up and move to a NEW life TODAY! This board is AWESOME! You are RIGHT! We have a connection that NO ONE could possibly understand without walking a mile in our shoes...

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

Dear better days,

I shall hope that you find the strength to get out of this deep hole you find yourself in, thank goodness the offender is still in prison, as for his father, well you must find a way to get him out of your life, he is a sex offender, oh dear you have a child.

I know how hard it is to rely on someone, but you are likely stronger than you think, the going to school part is a good goal to look forward to, hopefully you let go of the delusion someone who is violent will take care of you.

You can go to school part time, or on the internet ,,,one small step you can do for yourself, and get to some counselling group therapy, thats a good start to.

But your living situation is bothering you, I think that is your first order of business, is to stop the abuse from the father, and possilibly from him deep within the prison.

I wish I could just take you out of there, and show you some liteness of spirit, playing outside with your child and feeling safe, having a wonderful future to look forward to,
Make it so
ocean

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

Artichoke is right moving 2 blocks to a different place can do alot for the mental health.

I don't know where your at but is it kind of dreary there or maybe gray for a day or 2. Here it has been dreary and gray then we had 2 beautiful days and people turned into monsters, so b*****! Too much light at once I guess.

The friends thing I understand so completely. When the PH left I was so busy trying to care for teenagers and dying parents (cancer) that I honestly wasn't concerned where my friends were. He had them so convinced that I was so imcompetant (sp) I learned a month ago that this was called smear campaign. I just didn't need to hear what they thought. (Their opinion changed when they found out (not from me) how cruel he really was.)

Right now I want someone to go with me and get something to eat at a different place. If not eat just a soft drink. Get the picture? This week I realzed there is no one. I have friends (new ones). But they are either married, have kids and responsiblities or are on such a budget that if you say just a soft drink they want you to go to their house. I want a change of scenery.

Right now I am so lonesome that I have done nothing but cry for 2 days solid. Theres more to the crying than just being lonely.

There is a connection with people on this board that I don't think too many people would understand.

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 311 Location: USA

Better,

Sounds like he and my ex are cut from the same mold.

Don't let anyone pressure you into giving him ANYTHING and remember that YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

People don't seem to understand that there are just some things that alter lives forever....like domestic violence. There are very few success stories about batterers who willingly go to treatment, stick with treatment and come out the other side a different person.

I have PTSD too....though I wish I could be med free, I take Effexor for now to help manage the symptoms. It helps. Are you on any meds?
_________________
"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1404

I certainly understand how lonley you gals are feeling.....I felt the same way 5 yrs ago.....the xp had everyone convinced he's mr wonderfull and I'm just a nutcase who left such a great man....I remember the feeling of just wanting to go get a bite to eat yet having no one to go with....I did the reaching out only to have no one reach back...he had gotten to them...I do want to tell you all this....on the anything goes page some of our members are having a really good time just being silly....Some sit at their pc with a drink in hand....and joke about whatever....lessining their strsss and feeling like theyre NOT alone.....like they have friends they can reach from the comfort of their own homes...Just a suggestion....I know they would love to have others join in...usually they begin too late for me....Maybe I'm in a different time zone then they are...but I do know they are having a lot of fun......check it out and feel free to join right in.....they will welcome you....I dont know if its every nite but just go check and see.....It's better than feeling all alone Laughing

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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

Nolongerhisvictim · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1380

Betterdays,
i have to tell you I know EXACTLY what you are saying....I have friends (or so I thought) who left me high and dry after they found out about the P. They were all church "family" members who have no understanding that I was manipulated...they look at it as "Sin." They don't have the understanding that no matter how much I love God, that I could still be manipulated into things that I normally would never have done...in my right mind. That was the problem. Being with him "changed" my mind as I knew it pre-P and know it Post-P. No one has any concept of what it means to be manipulated by one of these monsters unless they have experienced it firsthand.

One thing I want to encourage you not to do is do not let these "church" people to rob you of your faith in God due to their "nosiness" or "holier-than-thou-ness." They do not realize the damage they cause with their "spiritual" attitudes. I had difficulty even getting myself back on track spiritually because of the church family and the P used my faith against me (manipulating me by using God as a catalyst). I was SOOOO messed up for the longest time. I am just now beginning to get my footing back and it has been 14 months and 1 week since I last saw him.

It also took me a year before I decided to finish working on my degree, which I am presently doing my thesis paper for, and I still really wasn't ready but had to because if I waited any longer, I would have new requirements to meet. So here I am!!!! Working on it against my desires.but I think God used this to get me off my backside and back on track.

Hang in there hon...it does get better...
_________________
NLHV

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thank you, ocean....I would love to take my son outside to play and feel safe. Instead we are sitting inside and per police's request have a NO TRESPASSING sign in the frornt window. How hideous is that? It seems like this just continues to snowball.

Thank you, Teri...It's funny how when people find out how cruel they are they come back...but I don't know who wants more info or who really cares, so I ignore them all. All my numbers changed, etc.. My cousin went to see him to "get the full story because I wouldn't tell." It is NONE of his business, I feel SO betrayed! Then the P went on and on about his undying love for my son and me, etc.... He of course AGAIn has found religion and played that card with my cousin, asking him to help us work this out.

Thank you, survivor...The only thing I take is Xanax. I may need to ask a therapist about something else. I myself cannot believe that domestic violence can alter my life forever. It has and I'm so emberassed. How could I have let this happen?!!

Thank you, cookie...Good idea!

Thank you, nolonger...it's amazing how "Christians" are the ones who hurt us the most! They don't have a clue, do they?! It HURTS! It really, really hurts!

I know I need to take things a step at a time, but I feel like the mountain is so big, I do not know where to begin the FIRST step! Thank you ALL!

Nolongerhisvictim · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1380

Betterdays,

[quote]The only thing I take is Xanax. I may need to ask a therapist about something else. I myself cannot believe that domestic violence can alter my life forever. It has and I'm so emberassed. How could I have let this happen?!!

My dear, you didn't "let" this happen to you...HE happened to you...it was him, ALL HIM! Do not beat yourself up...Illustration...would you blame a rape victim for being raped? It is NEVER the victim's fault! It is ALWAYS the perpetrators fault! You were victimized BY HIM!!! He is wrong...you were innocent....he is a thief and a liar (sound familiar????? Satan???) and he stole things from you that he had NO RIGHT to take...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not take his crap on yourself!

Take baby steps to get yourself back out there...set little goals...once you achieve that goal, set another...

Take care sweetie! If you need to talk, I am here for ya! Wink

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NLHV