Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ok so I have not contacted him in months and I do NOT miss him in fact I HATE HIM. I am not at the forgiveness stage what-so-ever. Tonight I was out with friends who are happy in relationships and trust me I am not jealous but I cannot deny I am still hurt. I am not facebook friends with him nor can I look at his facebook but still. I wanted to text him soooo bad tonight for the first time ever but I am writing here instead. I want to say to him (please excuse my rage). HOW DARE YOU FING AHOLE. I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND LOVING CARING SWEET NICE EVERYTHING YOU COULD HAVE EVER DREAMT OF AND YOU USED ME YOU LIED TO ME YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME. YOU TOOK MY LOVE AND TURNED IT INTO SOMETHIGN PAINFUL I HOPE YOU LIVE TO REGRET IT. I think I need to see someone about my rage....i am overcome by rage more than any other emotion. I rarely feel sadness BUT ALWAYS ANGER....i think I might need anger management to deal with this.

you are shameful piece of crap ahole with a crap background and F uped family and friends I hope you reap what you sow you coward you undeveloped human being with no soul and no conscious, i hope you cry tears when you finally realize how much of a a AWFUL WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING YOU ARE.....ok had to get tht out so i didn't text it.

Do you always have such rage?

Hi Jordana,

Yes, you're in a tough position, it's unfortunately the trauma that has made you like that. I think professional therapy will help you channel your energy to start with, and then also help you to learn that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, but move on.

This is where we all have difficulty, We didn't ask for anything, and we got everything taken from us. Emotional Rape / Trauma.

You need to listen to you know, what are you going to need to feel better, don't say beat him up, that's an underlying understandable reaction.

What you need is what is going to help you get you back. Therapy I think will probably help you understand easier.
Good luck
Joefromfar

Jordana hi, I went through rage and anger post D &D, in fact it was during D & D mine really surfaced and carried on. I found that after I left the XN it turned more to desire for revenge but has since dwindled to a simple I hate the XN but its no longer all consuming. We all need diferent things to get us through the pain, what worked for me isn't necesarily what will do it for others. But I did find that the more I understood about NPD the more I was able to let go to an extent of what he had done to me and focus on healing me.

There is a brilliant post with an excellent thread that gave me so much information I was able to use to help get me through the 'fog' in the early days.

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/how ... 14556.html

If you feel you can't work through this on your own then maybe its a good idea to think about counselling. Your life is worth more than letting memories of the N haunt you in this most destructive way, besides its also giving him some continued hold on you!

Your rage is perfectly understandable. I created a "Say it. I dare you" thread partly to express our anger.

Hateless wrote:

"Do you always have such rage? "


Not helpful Hateless.

Jordana,

Its completely ok to feel the rage and in some respects healthy!

And sometimes it can be fun to think of evil things to do to the smarmy guy!

Giving yourself permission to have the rage and feeling it starts to take the edge off. Let it come out, yell, scream, throw a dish or two (of his I hope!)

Use the board to vent. Rage is a completely normal and healthy process to go through. We have been so conditioned to not alow ourselves to be angry, by so many that we forget that anger is an important part of our emotional make up. It is also that emotion which warns us something is wrong in our lives. If someone makes you angry, look at why.

Always remember, the N's put us on the defensive all the time and took from us our sense of self preservation. You are now getting that sense of self preservation back!

Go ahead, break something (not his neck please!) or rip up a picture of your N if you can. Trust me, you probably wont' do anything much more violent than this. Normal people, unless pushed over the edge rarely become violent. Just the fact that you are posting here, makes me think that you are more rational and self controled than you might even think.

Cheers my friend!

Oh and once the rage is expressed in a healthy way, and you realize you are not going to do something truly crazy, give yourself a little something nice. Something which makes you feel good, like a brownie or your favorite coffee drink.

no I don't always feel such rage. I've seen a therapist since the whole situation and I talk to my family/friends about what happened. THere are times when I just don't give a crap and other times it hits me HARD. Last night it hit me hard. THe whole situation replayed in my head and I got angry. THis morning I realized its because this time of the year holds significance for us, or maybe i should say it used to. Luckily I did not get angry while with people just when I got home and was alone. Having company helps but there are times when I do get very very sad and upset. Last night was the first time I cried in a while. I mentioned in another post that i do not cry as much anymore. Anyway

i feel exactly like you do. I freaking HATE him. unfortunately i sent him a bunch of messages one night saying i hate you, you are nobody, your life is a joke to me, if you ever do anything to me again you will regret it etc i now wished i hadn't because who knows what he's going to do with those messages. i was soooo angry at the time. and it's not normal because i rarely get angry with anyone else, but with him, i can just become so enraged. i guess it's when i realized how much of a joke i was to him that i began to become so mad. just don't send him the messages like i did. i'm sure he thought they were funny anyway. post them here

hateless wrote:Do you always have such rage?

Hateless, I suggest you read and learn about recovery before making imbecilic comments such as this one.

We ban often and swiftly here. You've been warned. Think before you post.

Jordana, I just wanted you to know that I understand and I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now.

It's totally natural, what you are feeling. It will pass. I'm glad you are working through it with your therapist.

i know your pain and what i found was each emotion empowered him even if i didn't say it.
i was giving away a slice of my soul

run, run, stay away... when he (or the situation) pops in your head.
SCREAM NO, don't give it any power.
the power is in YOU.

I do sincerely apoligise, I have just been through PTSD. Rage or anger is not something I experience so I didnt relate.

What I did notice was that my N had extream rage and hate..... So far so its what dominated her personality.

I will note that the victums of PTSD can have two responses one of fear and the other of being attrackted to the fear.......

I sincerely apoligise my comment was not ment to hurt.......

Please except my humble apology.

Thanks Hateless - just please read as much as you can before posting suggestions to our users. It's often a red flag. Feel free to post your own experiences - and how you experience your recovery. There is excellent information online throughout this site for you.

Take care.

Hi Jordana.

Maybe this will help...

Every single day that I allow the jerk from the past to bother me is another day that I'm stuck in the relationship. If I'm upset about it I might as well be experiencing it in real life. And, we all know how short life is.

Try to let it go and be at peace with it.

If you feel duped then try to work on forgiving yourself. I don't let people off the hook....I don't have to hate them, but I hold their feet to the fire. I've had N come back to me yeaaaaars later and want to me let them off the hook. I turn my back. I'm working on forgiving myself because I didn't know people like this existed & I've probably been a little too ideological. & I turn these people over to the universe. I'm a pretty old soul & I can tell you payback to the universe is a B. I've seen it over and over. I don't have to do a thing. Their personal hell will follow them forever.

Maybe just try to forgive yourself for being involved.

Just something to think about. Hope it helps.
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Hi Jordana,

You said this happened around a once-significant time for you and the ex. That could bring up a lot.

One thing I realized in my recovery process is that it's not "linear". In other words, I experienced phases very randomly. Anger came up at times that I couldn't understand. But now I see it as completely normal.

It can be alarming to have a sudden attack of rage, but I think it's totally normal and agree with the advice you've been given here. I had several bouts with rage, too. Well, more than several. It's bound to come up. And honestly, I think it's a healthy sign, because anger turned inwards becomes depression.

I know it doesn't feel like you're "flowing" with the process, but you are.
Hang in there.