Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

FOUR and a HALF years to get divorce from the N,

divorced January 15, 2009 and found out N went out and got a great job managing a company this past May..(N quit his other great job during the divorce to get out of paying support).

Anyway the Final Judgement ordered N to pay me xxxx amount every month in "family support". it states family support should NOT end even when S-17 turns 18 next year.

So my Paralegal told me to go to the child support agency and open a case against N because he has NOT paid me a dime since the final judgement and is SEVEN months in arrears.

Thank GOD my attorney wrote this up as "family support" and not spousal support so I could garnish N,s wages because family support is essentially child and spousal combined.Also I was entitled to get alot more but settled for less at the Trial to get this frickin case overwith....but in hindsight 20/20 looking back it didn't matter cause nothing would appease the N and he never intended to pay it anyway, but he can NOT stop his wages from being garnished.

well my new case worker found out where N was now working and told him they would be sending a wage assignment to start garnishing his wages and N said this;

"well I am getting a new lawyer and taking Summer back to court to get the fnal judgement changed that I do not have to pay Summer nothing because S-17 doesn't see Summer that much anyway." said by N..

S-17 is being completely alienated from me, that is why.Last"allowed" to see S-17 for all of TEN minutes on Mothers Day.if anyone knows my story it is because the freak show (N, N,s adultous gf, and adultrous gf,s husband) are all three controlling my son and it,s just prety sick because now S refuses to even return my calls or answer his cell phone.



OMG I do NOT want to go back to court again!!!.I am exhausted from the past 5 year nightmare from hell divorce with N. I can't do this anymore!!!

I just spent WEEKS filling out the papaerwork and meeting with a case worker to get all this done and I still won't see any money for months-it takes that long, oh and N lied to the case worker and also said he "fully intended" to start paying the support,,well that was WEEKS ago and of course he LIED because nothing is deposited in my bank account.I,m TIRED of all this, just plain TIRED, and now of course worried that I will be going back to court and I have no strength left to fight anymore.

I am in severe debt. I applied for jobs everywhere, I got a job last march which lasted all of TWO weeks before I was laid off due to the economy but stil it only paid minimum wage, and no benefits.I applied for aide and was turned down from the state, Ca.

THe QDRO/401K is still not divided either - a whole other nightmare, or at least I could withdrawel something from that to survive and finish my education for now,


anyone have any answers or thoughts on this? can N change the Final Judgement?

Thanks,
Summer

Generally a final judgement (such as a parenting plan) can't be changed within the first year or two unless there has been a significant change in circumstance. Child support can be changed anytime there is a significant change in income - such as a loss of a job.

I'm not familiar with "family support", but with child support, he could petition that since son isn't with you, he shouldn't pay child support. For child support, he could argue that he lost a job, so his support could go down.

It would seem that since his income has gone up, he wouldn't want the support to change, *if* your support judgement has a note that family support shouldn't end when son turns 18. I would talk with your attorney and see about a countersuit to have the support increased based on now earning more, more in line with status quo from before the divorce... Maybe take copies of your tax documents for the last 10 years, if he's earning more like what he used to.

Again, don't know about family support, and am not an attorney...

So sorry about all your mess.

thanks Motwgk,

update; spoke to my caseworker yesterday and she said N can indeed take me back to court and modify the fnal support orders.

and N will do this on the basis that he has S-17 more, of course he does because N has alienated S completely from me now, just like in Molly's case with her kids-S-17,s birthday cards and gifts are still sitting here from when he refused to come over or answer his phone on his 17th birthday the end of May.

now somehow I must find some strength or energy to try and fight this again in court but at this point the n here is so spitefu, hateful,malicious and revengeful, I feel I have no chance.

I don't know what to do anymore.I just had planned to move, to another state where my family is and go back to college,but now I am back stuck here in limbo in a neverending battle.or at least for the next year until S turns 18.and I can NOT afford to live here anymore.

I really do not know what to do.

Summer

Summer -

I am so sorry to hear about this.

Is XN in violation of your custody agreement and approved parenting time plan (or whatever it's called in your state)?

In my case, XN was, but I was afraid of feeding into his alienation of my D, so didn't make any filing to enforce it. BUT, if he had had the nerve to change child support based on D's reduced time with me, I certainly would've countered that he was not in compliance. Is this an option for you if XN follows through on his threat?

Summer,

I am sure sorry to hear your latest news. I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were.

I would let your case worker start garnishing N's wages. Since he is in arrears, hopefully you can get caught up before/if he takes you back to court. IF he takes you back to court, you may be able to argue that s17 is not allowed to see you, and that N did indeed quit his job to look bad to the court, and your support might be raised.

In my state, once we signed the final papers, the only thing that could be changed is child support. Any spousal support can NOT be changed. But each state is different, I am sure.

Just keep looking for a job- even if it is a "make do" job for right now. I know that the economy sucks and your life plans have been derailed, but I think you would feel better if you thought you were somewhat self supporting. I know you don't want to think about a lawyer again, but it may be your best option in the long run. What is the deal with the QDRO? What would happen if you contacted the clerk of the court to find out how to get things moving again? The clerk(s) of the court system here are great to help. They can't offer legal advice, but they can make recommendations on how to do some things yourself.

I'm so sorry that things aren't better for you. You really did get a prize N.
I'm also praying that your relationship with your son can be restored.

Best wishes and peace, Shadey Lady

Summer, I am so sorry that this is still going on for you. I definitely hate your N more than the one I'm dealing with. He makes my blood boil, and wins the nutbar award, hands down.

I don't have much advice, except for agreeing with Shadey Lady's advice to keep trying for any sort of job for now, just to establish your own independence and empower yourself. Being dependent on the N post-divorce is not healthy.

If he does take you back to court, the judge will see that his family support payments are in arrears. Judges don't like that at all, it's contempt. I witnessed the judge threaten someone in court with jail time for owing less than $500.

Stay strong. Try not to let discouragement get you down. We're rooting for you, and your kids.

Marie,ShadeyLadey, and Nancy,

Thank you all for your replies and input!
Nancy~good to hear you again, how is everything?

ShadeyLadey-we need to talk as the N here is using MY religion now too with his OW, and to further alienate S 17 from me.
--but thats a whole other soap opera and story.

I have completed all the paperwork (which seems endless) of having N,s wages garnished.they are waiting from a court order from the Judge,then I should get a check with a month or two-hopefully!
This is turn has caused the N to kick it up another notch in threatening to end the support by taking me back to court but I haven't received anything word on that, yet

N would rather spend THOUSANDS on a new lawyer to do this than pay me the measly amount that was ordered monthly-which I am entitled to by law as it was a long term marraige and I was a SAHM.plus I even settled for a smaller amount than I was entitled to, thinking this would appease N, because I so badly wanted this divorce final after FIVE freakin years.

Now what I need to do is this;

Get alot stonger so I can fight back.

snap out of this depression, and find my strength again.(I have no health insurance)

Pull myself together and start documenting all over again.

TRY to see S-17, either by going directly to N,s house and calling police if N refuses to let him see me (recomended by the case worker)-this wll be the hardest thing to do especially becuse S17 is so alienated right now, he refuses to talk to me.S17 is also ignoring my mother who tries to call him on his birthday and just to say hi to him (she lives n another state)-S17 was always very close to my Mom, but now he is being alienated from her too-she is going to write a letter for me to take to court.

not quite ready to do this yet as I will have to file the custody orders with the PD here.

also if N takes me back to court I will EXPOSE him this time-the fact he had an affair with my son,s girlfriends mother while she was still married, and then forced S17 to live with his highschool girlfriend, who is N,s adultrous gf,s only daughter.this is emotional abusive to S17 who is now forced to live in a bedroom next to his longtime gf and share the same bathroom while the freak show (N and his gf) sleep together down the hall,this grosses me out so bad but whats worse is N,s gf,s husband (they might be divorced by now), all still hang around together,EWW EWW and EWW, puke.the gf,s husband idolizes the N, and basically gave his wife to the N. UH jerry springer called and he wants them on his show.

N emailed me and it all sounded really kosher-he wrote that instead of depositing the support directly into my bank account like he ususally does (UH_he hasn't deposited anything for years now),, that he called my caseowrker and was told to send it to another city here where they disperse the support payments---I dutfully ignored him, it was hard too because I was so tempted to respond and point out him LYING.but I held my own.Thank GOD.

N did this because he knows it will now hold up the money for months while I am being starved out.and he wanted to document as if he is trying to pay me.he would have never paid me a single dime if I had not opened a case with child support services.
I knew this would piss him off, which I could care less, but I also feared he would alienate S17 further and that part is where I feel guilty but what else could I do, I mean N is consistent and notoriuos for violating court orders and I have no other resources right now financially, even though I still want to move-I have noway to do it unless I get the $$$back support N is in arrears in right now, since January

now I just need to find the inner strentgth and ENERGY (which I feel is depleted after 5 years of this bs divorce/custody/alienation so that I can present my case in court civilly and looking as if I have it together when I feel like my whole life is in limbo and coming apart at the seems because N just NEVER stops this abuse.

Summer

When N takes you back to court the judge will the judge ask him why he is still hoogging all the retirement money? Child support services can sometimes tap into this cash for support. N not letting you see S just shows how warped he is. Did you ever report your attny

Vmm,

Long time no see, hope things are good with you and the kids.

no the QDRO is in the process of being finished.its completed, signed by both attorney,s (My attorney had to track down N,s-it took him TWO months of emails and letters she ignored him, until he caught up with her in court one day.it has also been signed by judge and is now sitting at the company N worked for, they sat on it and by law have 6 months to sign it , thay sat on it for TWO months (N,s influence I am sure)but they finally did a few weeks ago, now it is at the 401K acccount headqurtes to be signed and proessed by a court order by the Judge himself....so at least the ball s rolling on that.

re; my attorney-I can't do a damn thing right now since he is still on my divorce case .-I owe him over 40k, I have already paid him 30K, and I still get bills every month and I am not going to pay him, at least the rest of the amount my paralegal keeps adding to my billl when she makes mistakes and then doesn't respond to my emails.I haven't paid him since jan 2008 when I ran out of money.

thats the least of my worries right now.

can u even believe this is still gong on? got any advice on how to get my strength and energy back to fight the N?
the whole summer is passsing by and I have no finances to go anywhere or even move.
Tried state aide they turned me down, applied for almost 100 different jobs,theres no work in this town I sware.
need my energy back bad to fight N if he files a motion to end support, which is family support (child and spousal combined)--don't see how he can end spousal.hasn't paid me a dime since judgement/divorce Jan. 2009 I waived all back support (kicking myself now too)don't ask, my trial was a nightmare.


Summer

Yeah, they tried that family support thing with me too. Then when N's atty knew N was quiting his job (so N could start a divorce business with his divorce attny) they dropped the "family support" idea because they knew they were going to pay nits for spousal support with the intention of taking over custody (N refusing to work and a court order that N have custody on any day that I worked for 8 hours or longer)

I spoke with a dear old friend that I had not seen since my wedding. She was flaborgasted by what I told her I and others had been through in the golden state courts.

Have you looked up family support? BTW just reading something for my own he{{. N will owe you interest on all the money he is with holding from you. Of course my attny didn't tell me this either.

It would seem to me that your atty would help you get your support due from of Ns portion of the QDRO.


Stay strong.

Summer,

Does Calif have a website about child support/spousal support? In my state, all the support payments have to go through the state. That way, if the support is not paid, then the state can start garnishing wages. My N has to send money to the state, and they send it to me, so that there is a record of his payment. If your divorce became final, for example in January, then N is in arrears for support and should be garnished. He can not prove that he paid support, so the state should step in. Go to legal aid if there isn't a website and find out what you can do to get the ball rolling. My daughter is dating a guy who faithfully paid child support directly to his Ex. They did not go through the state to make those payments. The ex has now starting garnishing his wages for years of supposedly non payment. It is a mess. Usually though, it only takes a small amount of time to get things set up. This might be a case where you need to sent your N some information so the state can start the process. I used to get payments sent to me, but now it is all direct deposited into an account.

Of course, with the mess that Calif is in, THEY might be taking N's money. LOL.

Write the particulars of the religion abuse thing. I would be interested to see what your N's take on it is.

Shadey Lady

here we go again

N managed to even MANIPULATE the child support agency by sending a check directly to them (another city from here where the checks have to go through).. ONLY because CS called him about this fact- after this his wages will be garnished in two months but he is ANGRY (in other words I defended myself. legally!) that I opened a case even though I had the right to (and advised by CS and my attorney) and he is SEVEN months in arrears... and in TYPICAL N FASHION , he needed to PUNISH me for this and he found a way out to backlash at me...which of course only hurts my children who are ALL strugglgling finanically while he buys toys/games'expensive crap for himself and whatever else he wants.

N did NOT send a check from what he owes for support,,,but INSTEAD from another court ordered amount SEPERATE from the family support,,

I know this sounds confusing, bear with me...

N is supposed to pay me any moneys he recieved from the job he QUIT during the divorce and that is the same odd amount (for example if he owed 1,000.00 a month, he instead now decided to send a check for 2,066.00) and he sent it to the child support agency and they took it off his arrears of the family support.all sounds good in retrospect huh?-but it isnn't,,,, and lets say N is 14,000.00 in arrears....(mind u I gave up ALL back support at trial N never paid a dime of)

funny such an odd amount. let me TRY to explain:



N ripped me off (for the UMPTEENTH time) by sending OTHER money due to me SEPERATE and killing two birds with one stone... man is he slick! and sick too.

I now look like I am crazy when I call my case worker, she just thinks its GREAT N made an effort to pay me.

don't get me wrong-I am grateful for any money rght now.

help me here this is getting more insane.

So I emailed N to prove this fact (made it short and sweet-in other words-nice and to the point with no emotions/blame -2 simple lines)and he is of course ignoring me, because he knows I am "ON" to him and his games and that he will be in the ninth inning even though I just got back up at bat and noticed this new con of his.

I sware he is the master of trickery and conn artisrtry (if thats a word)

he deserves the academy award for best manipulative N and is probably right now planning his next LIE/defence because I exposed him again in an email and he cannot answer.

I have to call my case worker tomoorrow and somehow prove/explian this while sounding sane (I am sane), but u know how N,s make u sound like u aren't and she is unbias and not on anyones side.

N can call her anytime too,he already has and played the GOOD GUY, although I have an inkling she is on to him ( a TINY bit) because he already lied to her and said he could prove he paid me for the last seven months and she gave him the chance to prove that and of course N never followed through and never could prove that lie.-thats why they started garnishing his wages ,,,,thats all I have going for me right now..

don't ask me to call my Attorney, he has not helped much throughout this case. ditto with paralegal, all they seem to do is send bills and ignore anything else.all that does it add to an endless bill I could never afford.

N is laughing about this fact, and knows I have no resourses left-its coming true-I am being starved out.!!!!!!!!!!I fear I will end up on the streets,(like N has told our kids he will do to me)))))))))))) I am already desperate and looking for help, I feel sick. I could puke right now even typing this..

all the while N has an adultrous OW who waits on him hand and foot and vacations and has fun all summer and keeps my youngest son from me and plays head games and ,while I cannot even afford food (seriously)---well u get my drift.NO I am NOT jealous-and NO I do NOT feel sorry for her, she committed a mortal sin and she dug her own grave,,I will NOT warn her either because she abused her own daughter and MY son by forcing them to live together at the tender age of 16. Long jerry springer story.No offence to any OW,s here who were sucked into an N,s web.

any advice? I am in deep debt and cannot find a job and want out of here like yesterday!
already applied for state aide, no help there. I am starting to get scared again-same feeling I had while married to the fricken physco.

how can I prove this? to my case worker?


good luck to all who are suffering.and the kids too who suffer the worst.

I am Exhausted.

Summer

Well I spoke to my case worker at Child Support Services and she said there is NOTHING they can do because as long as N made a payment they will take it off the arrears and it,s not up to them to worry where the money came from.
And they had NO advice on what I can do about it.

So my only choice now is to go to my Attorney , which is exactly what N had intended, for me to jump through hoops,which will rack up my legal fees some more.

It,s like a vicous circle.N uses other money that he was court ordered to pay me, to pay the support, in turn ripping me off, and I have to spend more money proving it.

The Final Judgement does state that whatever legal fees I incrue due to N violating the order , he will be responsible for but N has been doing this since day one, when I first filed in 2005.-and nothing has come of it as of yet.
I waived all previous legal fees at Trial last January-I know bad choice.

Sometimes I feel like just chalking it up and not even fighting anymore.This is an oxymoron though considering how much I have paid and still owe my Attorney/paralegal.

But I did leave a message with my Paralegal to see if something can be done.Any hope of N being ever held accountable is nothing but a pipe dream.

Boy, this N really knows how to milk the system in his favor.It,s like he has it down to a science now.

P.S. Vmm-if you are reading this-still no word on the QDRO. It is just sitting at the share holders headquarters.for two months now.

The saddest part of this whole mess is that I have not seen S-17 all summer.The only choice I have for that is to file the custody orders with the PD and then physically go to N,s house and ask to see S-17 and if they refuse then call the police.Not something I am looking forward to put my son in the middle of and causing a scene.It,s my only option though.


Summer