Sorry if I posted twice....Just joined and wanted to post in the right place
Dear Dr. Sam,
First of all I want to thank you. I thought I was going crazy until I read your writing on the cerebral, vindictive narcissist.
I unintentionally became involved with one though work. At first we were working together and helping each other on a mission. It was done long distance and required numerous emails and phone calls.
When the mission was completed, that is when the strange behavior began. I first noticed this with phone calls. One time, I noticed he called my cell and I returned his call 7 minutes later. "What took you so long to call me back?" he asked. I said, "What are you talking about?" and didn't think much more of it.
Then, later when I could not take his calls, he became enraged. He yelled at me. Threatened to do something that would upset me. He yelled, "Take my calls!" He is an Alpha male and, although I am not usually frightened by anyone, I would actually shake when I saw he was calling.
He created what you call an impossible situation. He told me my life was in danger. He has connections and the ability to protect me. He said I should call him if anything strange happened. He later admitted that my life, in fact, was not in danger and he made it up.
He has engaged in control by proxy, as you call it. He had an anonymous person emailing me. He has told me other people I deal with in my work tell him everything I say. At least one, if not two of these people, have passed his messages and his wishes along--without mentioning his name.
He has expressed a romantic interest in me, and talked suggestively to me. But when I tried to talk to him about consummating this, he said he could not do it because he is committed to another woman. (Even though she lives in a different city and he has indicated he does not love her.)
When I started to realize there was something wrong, after he shouted and threatened me, I began to withdraw. Since then, he has also withdrawn.
When he does call, he says he has to go and that he will call me back the next day. Then he doesn't call for a week and a half. Most of our communications now are what you call control by proxy.
I think he is gone, but not sure. This may sound crazy, but I feel a connection to him and I can feel his rage.
Last week, for example, I confronted the anonymous person who was emailing me on his behalf. Then, another person called me and delivered a message from him.
How do I know if he is really gone? I feel we were both manic, in a state of what you call mass psychosis when our relationship was at its height. I understand through your writing that he will try to replace me as a source of narcissistic supply. This may sound narcissistic, but I think it may be difficult for him to do that based on the extraordinary circumstances of our connection.
How do I know if he is really gone?
Please answer if you can.