Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ANTZ!
For as long as I can remember, NM had ants in her pantry. I get the heebie geebies just typing about ants, so when I would visit her and go to her pantry and see them....I'd screech every time,
"ANTS....MOM YOU STILL HAVE ANTS IN HERE!"
(I'd never eat anything from her home. She is filth.)

She get enraged. "Oh stop being such a Sarah Bernhardt. You always exaggerate and lie. There are a few ants (there were thousands) and I had an exterminator here. What do you want me to do? I'm taking care of it. Now stop being such a baby. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Now did you come here to give me aggravation?
There is no one neater than me. Everything is in a place and there is a place for everything. If I don't need it, I get rid of it (like my wedding album and all of my high school memories she trashed). I know where everything is and if someone were to come in here, when I was out shopping, I'd know the moment I got home. I look at the world as a wonderful place. The glass is always half full. Everyone says that I am an optimist and always happy. You are blessed to have me as a mother because I am broad minded and upbeat and I don't worry about the small things. You have to be more like me if you want to be my daughter and stop being a baby about a few ants."

WTF? NM makes no sense and all topics overlap and geeze....need to go take a walk.

She reminds me of vomit larvae because of her halted development, never having gone through a metamorphosis to adulthood.

NM is a compulsive talker.

In a restaurant, even while eating, she does not shut up for a second. In the car, I've felt like I wanted to drive off of the road just to shut her up for a second. I have pretended that I was lost and needed to think for a moment about directions and have said, "Wait Mom, let me think about where I'm going, ok?" She'd not miss a beat and screech, "Well why don't you know where you're going? Turn right here, no left, no go straight, no veer right, maybe you go around the bend, maybe we should call AAA, why did you let your subscription expire, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..."
"You know Alice is a wonderful daughter. Her mother lives with her and she takes her everywhere. There is no daughter like Alice. She is a saint. Saint Alice. Her mother is a lucky woman....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

NM does NOT come up for air.

Corona

NM is a compulsive talker.

OMG, I forgot to mention this. Yes, I know exactly what that's like! I used to have to take an anxiety pill just to get through a meal with NM. Talk about sensory overload! Always talking IN YOUR FACE!!!! She would even say f*ck you. Maybe she picked that up at Narc Charm School.

Other big compulsion--FOOD!!!! My MN is an obese binge eater. Did I mention that I have food issues? :x

I think that NM is probably addicted to pain relievers and sleep meds, too. Since I'm NC, I don't know. Her Dr. will give her anything, I think.

sylah wrote:The food fixation (and controlling what everyone eats) with my NM was out of this world bizarre.

I notice my NP Aunt does this one, like she makes food (fried, unhealthy) and offers me some, and when I'm done she always wants me to have more or finish off whatever there is.

I've been working out and eating healthy for a long time, and recently she's BALLOONED in weight so I think this is another stupid way that N's try to mess with people.

Shouldn't another grown person's health/diet be their own business? Goddamn Ns.

omg, gifts!!

I always get knickers (I don't know what you US people call them... ;) )

It's always "these are too big/Small for me, so here you go, you can have them..."


I also get cheap old tat from flea markets...


She is getting married today for the third time... I am staying well away!

as Psychdoc put it-

N's use gift giving to instill obligation, guilt and shame.

The day after mother's day my NM left a boquet of flowers on my door- didn't bother to say hello to me or my children, put a 5cent card to say who it was from or anything- she knows I have horrible allergies, I personally find flowers a wasteful gift- I am the type that always wants something funtional not cluttersome. Even more importantly for the first time ever I did not lavish her in gifts and compliments on mothers day. I spent the entire day festering on this boquet- I kept wanting to throw it away, but felt ingrateful. Throughout the day I kept toggling between feeling like the worst daughter ever to feeling furious- eventually I brought the flowers back to her door and left them with what I can't help but term hate mail- as much as I felt horrible at the possibility of hurting her feeling I felt so GREAT, the biggest weight ever had left me. I pasted a copy of it, and though to people without the experience of a malicious parent it seems like a malicious response- I am sure many who have endured a NM could image how tremendous this felt to finally do.

I do not even know where, or by what means I should start this shy of telling you that I do not have to offer what it is that you are after. I am not your bragging right, as you are not taking the motherly or grandmotherly role to take any claim for anything that I am. Had you read my email a while back I told you that it was becoming increasingly apparent that you needed help and that I was willing to help you find it, but would not sit idly by exposing my children to you process of self destruction. Upon not taking my offer I began to notice a lot more, reflect and come to some pretty brash realizations that everything I was raised to know was misconfabulated to fit your needs. Invariably I sought a counselor to help make sense of this issue, as my suspicions were leading me to draw a lot of sturdy ties to psychopathy and narcissism. My suspicions were correct and are starting to shine through with little to no doubt. You do not genuinely care about what I do, how I do, or even the well being of myself or my children. You care to get a narcissistic fix of being Ameilia’s favorite- your intentions in this shined through very boldly after spending nearly ten minutes telling you of the mechanism behind her anxious attachment to you and having you not listen at all, only to turn around a couple days later and express that you are her favorite again, and to admit that you did not hear what I said about her attachment. Frankly you are not her favorite, you are her most agonizing pain. Your actions in more ways than I can count have shown me that your relationship with me is to boost your image of being an all star mother, and raising the best children. Your motivation shines through in the flat outcomes of your actions. You did not disappear for any of the three excuses you accidentally mix up in explanation, you disappeared because to the narcissist any sense of disapproval is lethal to their very essence of ego. Any critique, constructive criticism, or acknowledgement of anything shy of perfect renders the accuser “psychologically unhealthy” as you so kindly put it. Reiterated again in your rekindling with Emma- she stroked you narcissistic ego just right to make it all work, even your expressions of your conversation put this in very clear terms. I will not be roped in by your random items left at my door, and truthfully do not appreciate them, they only fuel my anger as I have to maintain some grace to Ameilia. Equally they come across as a mechanism of showing off what a great altruistic mother you are- where was the altruism when I was giving birth, or in seeking me to apologize for breaking my kids heart on your own accord. Or even in just genuinely listening and assuring me that I do have a hard job and that I am pulling it off well instead of turning it into a pissing contest through changing your story of the hardships you faced with us kids. I doubt you are even reading this, and could go on in a furious rage for pages at this point. In short it would be well advised to leave me alone while I process my anger and 26 years of diluted realities, as my social grace wears a little thinner every day. Upon processing my anger I will decide to what capacity I will let you run my life with your issues.

-some clarification points- my mom found a boyfriend and at the same time I ran out of money from a settlement I got over nearly losing my leg. Out of no where I became horrible over an argument that my older sister and younger sister had at a dinner with him. My mom called and left a horrible message about how I was psychologically unhealthy for her and disapeared for 5 months- missing the birth and first two months of my second daughters life. And completely abandoning my daughter who was 9 months old at the time. She lived 2 blocks away, as one could imagine- a daughter with money and a young mind to corrupt my mom was always there. She only came back because I went to her house to tell her how I felt and her boyfriend saw me, so she played "cool"- he is a very family oriented guy, she dropped the flowers off while he was driving her to work, and has done nothing shy of making everything appear to be completely done in attempt to impress him.
-Emma is my aunt whom I have not seen for several years- due to my mom making her out to be a villan, who contacted my mom and ranted and raved about what a great parent my mom was to get her to talk to her and appologized for everything horrible "she had done"

Thats a very powerful letter you wrote to your mother. I applaud you for that. It takes a very inteligent and rational indivdual to put things out in such a clean form. I like how you word it regarding her behavior and not her character. It makes it more succinct and present.

If I were to recieve something like this, I would take the time to read it and listen to the other individual. I don't think an N would do that.

I find it intriguing that your mother left you flowers and they are not something which you appreciate. I personally enjoy flowers, but that is my preference. I do not get flowers for those who are not so inclined. Her doing so was a complete and totally dissrespectful act. Especially if she knows that you are one who does not appreciate (and is allergic) to them. I must say that it is quite a show she put on and one which can be quite convincing to the unaware!

Keep up the good work, your self awareness and insight are growing and the more they grow the stronger you will become in the long run.

Every time we visited my Mother over the years, my oldest , a daughter and I would be called into her bedroom and made to sit on the bed while we were shown all of her new purchases out of her closet. Alot of designer labels, etc. It was supposed to be like a girly thing. Then she would have fancy bags full of old clothes out of her drawers to give us. Stacks of magazines months old for us to take home and so on. My daughter and I both live on limited incomes and would here about how hard it was for her only to go to the bathroom and see all kinds of expensive toiletries and bath supplys as well as her "wardrobe". It was so tiring to load up the car at the end of the visit.

My parents were divorced twice. The first one, long ago in the '50s, my father took out a loan to get her a engagement ring. It was a caret and half blue diamond, very beautiful. Her third marriage she had it reset in another more modern setting.

Anyway, all our lives she would show it to my daughter and I and tell us I would get it when she passed, and then it would be handed down to my daughter, along with all the information about how special it was since it came from my "daddy". Well, it did have some meaning for me sentimentally, and I have always kept special keepsakes gotten from either of my parents, even though there was always a hint that I may sell it or pawn items for money to make me feel like s**t.

Several years ago , before the big NC, again, I did not yield to her controlling demands to drive 55 miles to maybe just keep her company or to do some chore for her, I can't remember. A few days later, my brother and wife came over and right after they arrived she came out with the ring and handed it to my sister in law. Keep in mind that this sister in law was someone she trashed over and over again with her gossip behind her back to me when I was the "golden" child. It just blew me away and yet when it upset me, I sort of felt like I was viewed as wanting it for the material type of thing rather then it broke my heart as it was from my Dad and he and I have over the years begun to rebuild our relationship.

She pulls this kind of stuff all the time, latest one being that I am now banished from the will, oh well.

Cylista

Ooh, I forgot about hoarding.

NM likes to hoard - her things, though. Who cares about the rest of us! She called me up one day after I had moved out that they were having a yard sale and needed my help. Also to ask me if I wanted a collection of books from my childhood. It was one of those series. They don't print them anymore with those covers and the characters are updated. She sold lots of other childhood things of mine, too. Always telling me at the last minute, knowing I can't intervene. When I was upset about what she had done, she fussed at me for not coming to "help" sell my own things. Then, suggested I go get my books back from the little girl she sold them to. Classy, this one.

She also called me from 700 miles away telling me she was giving away a bunch of my old college textbooks. I was ordered to pick which ones I wanted to keep and let her know so she could send them to me. Yes, from 700 miles away, I can remember which books I want to keep. Luckily, I noted a few. She never sent them. I don't even care anymore. She has managed to keep our toys that she liked (or spent a lot of money on) in the attic. This will make her look like a thoughtful, kind mother in the end. Disgusting.

She sent me a $50 check for Mother's Day, then called me days later asking what I was going to do with it. I said I would deposit it into my infant daughter's saving's account. She didn't sound too pleased. She did a similar thing around my birthday when I told her I was going to use her $100 cash to buy things for my then newborn. She said, "Nah! You need to spend that money on yourself." And not in the concerned way. She seemed annoyed that I would dare spend money intended for me on my baby.

I haven't deposited the check yet, because of time. I don't need the money, so I'm in no rush. She's notorious for post-dating checks or spending the money if you don't cash the check by a certain time, prompting lots of bouncing. I'm tempted to wait a few weeks to cash it and teach her a lesson. I won't, though. Being cruel requires time, energy, and effort that I can't afford.

ArmyWife wrote: And not in the concerned way. She seemed annoyed that I would dare spend money intended for me on my baby.

Being cruel requires time, energy, and effort that I can't afford.

My NM always seems jealous and resentful of the time effort money I put into my children. Like they are stealing from her or I am giving her stuff away. She only helped with my divorce from NH because he was competition for supply, so they hated each other.

I love your quote- Being cruel requires time, enerfy and effort I can't afford. I have felt like that my entire life.

Well, it did have some meaning for me sentimentally, and I have always kept special keepsakes gotten from either of my parents, even though there was always a hint that I may sell it or pawn items for money to make me feel like s**t.

Wow, Cylista! My NM totally does this to me, anytime she gives me ANYTHING! It's always followed by "well, this means something" or "this was expensive, so don't give it away to someone". I've never given anything of value away!!! She would actually take inventory of things in my house, to see if I kept everything. If she couldn't find something, she'd ask me who I'd given it to, or when I sold it, like I'd done something wrong. Most of the time, it was 5 inches from her face, but she loved to watch me look for something to "prove" I'd kept it. I think I'll be getting rid of a lot of stuff, this summer. I've been NC since January (when she last showed up at my home), and plan to keep it that way.

I think I'll be getting rid of a lot of stuff, this summer.

Yes, yes. I can't wait. Garage sale, eBay, leave it out on the curb, whatever. She's decorated our home by proxy. I'm tired of "I picked this up at the store for your living room. You can use this to..." You don't decorate someone's house! You give a gift card. Geez!

this is amazing. Same stuff happened to me.

My grandparents gave me furniture when I first married and also some as I was growing up.


My dad would say - now don't sell that. He always made me feel like I was so cheap that I would.

One time, I donated blood to a blood mobile on campus when I was in college. They sent the receipt to my parents' house.

I got chewed out when I got home for selling blood in order to buy drugs.

At that time I didn't know you could do that, but they weren't helping me with college, so if I'd known I could get some money, I sure wouldn't have blown it on drugs.

Always the accusations.

My N SIL has three boys. The youngest is 8. This past Christmas she put all the gifts he was to get (and it was only a few) on Cristmas morning in one box and wrapped it. When he came downstairs and saw that he only had one gift, he started to cry. His distress was partially alleviated when he realized there were several gifts in the box. But you know that unwrapping the gifts is a big part of the excitement of Christmas morning.

Not yet knowing this story, my husband was joking about all the gifts our kids got, saying that Santa must have been using our house as a distribution center. Our poor little nephew started crying again and said quietly, "It's not fair." But glancing at his evil mother, he regained his composure quickly.

What kind of a hateful trick is that to play on a child? The N SIL laughed when she told us what she had done, thought it was hilarious, even though it had made her 8 year old cry, even a couple of weeks after it happened.

What kind of a hateful trick is that to play on a child? The N SIL laughed when she told us what she had done, thought it was hilarious, even though it had made her 8 year old cry, even a couple of weeks after it happened.

Only a truly sick person would turn a child's holiday into an opportunity to be cruel. If she's anything like my mother, she probably loved to see him cry, and had they been home alone she would've let him continue. I think they really enjoy hurting children - inside and out.

In my early 20's I got a box from my parents on my birthday...totally excited that my parents cared I ripped open the packaging (still hoping in a way that they are normal/that they DO care). Hmm...that is strange...my father's old sweat stained sweat band I remember him always wearing when he mowed the grass during high school...all stretched out with sweat stains and all....(wtf--I have never even used a sweat band in my life), then on to my mom's old robe that I remember her wearing in grade school through high school with bleach stains and totally tattered, but wait---there is something shiny and new in here....a toothbrush and toothpaste my parents must have picked up from a hotel as the name and logo are on the cheap plastic wrapping....WOO HOO!! Happy birthday to me! :)

I am really interested in N-gifting during Christmas...my N parent always had to have the most presents and the nicest presents and the other parent always made sure this happened and we always had to make a bigger deal out of the N parent's presents. If they didn't get the most/nicest presents and have a big deal made out of it there was sure to be a temper tantrum.... My n parent is also an alcoholic so even if that was orchestrated perfectly, they were bound to get drunk and say all the mean hateful things that an N says to their children..(Haha...even if you try you lose--game over).

My non-N parent bought me 2 expensive gifts that I treasure. The N parent saw this as competition and got more expensive versions of both of these gifts when they found out from the non-N parent. Whenever anyone has tried to give me a nice gift the N always wins and gets something better from the same person. But now that I am an adult I see the behavior as that of a little kid and I think it is sick to first compete with your children but then to demand a present from someone because your so self-involved that you cannot see that nobody wanted to get you a present in the first place they are just trying to be nice even though the N is not worth it.