Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I keep fantasizing my narcissistic husband will realize that abandoning me, cutting off all contact, emotional, financial, etc. is abusive and cruel. After seven years, intellectually I know he will never change, will always rationalize his actions and even when asked why all the people we know don't leave their spouse every week/month/day, he still won't admit even to himself that leaving me was hurtful/abusive?. He always has 'one foot out the door', goes to his sick narc. Moms when he leaves me, and NEVER is the first one to call-I always have to call him, cry, beg him to come back, and then he acts like he is doing me a favor when he does. Just like a narcissist, he NEVER will accept even slight, healthy criticism, and if he abandons me and comes back, and I even hint that I'm scared he'll leave again, or remind in any way of his actions, he will really believe I'm abusive, and leave me again. It is so obvious to me, why can't I accept it is not obvious to him? WHY DO I WANT HIS APPROVAL WHEN ALL HE DOES IS HURT/ABANDON ME, EXPLOIT ME, MANIPULATE ME AND EVEN LEAVE ME WHEN IM SICK? He is so classically narcissistic-but is also quiet, shy, sneaky, and no one has a clue how he treats me at home, when he is here...I just want to accept that he is sick, and will never be able to feel compassion or remorse, but it is hard and is keeping me from ending it for good.

[/i][/b]

Hi Chinadoll, Welcome to the board. Im going to move your post to the main forum because its currently in the resources section and wont receive any replies there.

Its very difficult to think clearly about an abusive situation when we are still in it, Im glad you found us.

Talk to everyone here, and read and learn all you can. You need to protect yourself emotionally and begin to detach from both him, and the abuse.

You can do it, and everyone will help all they can.

Chinadoll wrote: WHY DO I WANT HIS APPROVAL WHEN ALL HE DOES IS HURT/ABANDON ME, EXPLOIT ME, MANIPULATE ME AND EVEN LEAVE ME WHEN IM SICK?

[/i][/b]

Hi Chinadoll,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Agonizing, isn't it? Certainly a type of pain I'd never experienced before.

From what you've written, I see that you have been together for 7 years. I am no therapist, but I am curious about BEFORE those 7 years. How was your childhood?? Did you grow up in a controlling environment? Just a shot in the dark, but may help explain the 'why' re: needing approval. Not all of us here, but a good number came from very 'controlled' childhoods.

Please continue to post. Getting it all out of you really does help so much. As does reading other people's posts and FINALLY feeling that you are not alone.

love and peace,

loux

chinadoll --

Maybe I'm misinterpreting this -- and I could be totally off -- but given what you've written -- what makes you think your husband may just want out of the relationship? It sounds like everytime he leaves, you beg him to come back. Him leaving you maybe your greatest gift!!!

I think if after he abandons you, if he were to come back on his own without you cajoling him to do so, and he were to continue to engage in the lies and manipulation and showing that he did need you for Narc SUPPLY, then I would say, without a doubt, this dude is a narcissist nutbag, but I'm not sure simply the act of him leaving you and cutting you off is in itself abusive, especially if that's what he really wants.

You said that he cuts you off financially. Is there a reason you can't support yourself? Are there kids in this? If you get a divorce, he'll be responsible for some type of spousal maintenance and/or child support. Have you thought of this option? Maybe he's found himself a new chinadoll, and then you can take him to court for all he's worth! At the very least, I'd want him to stand up to the plate, stop playing games, and make a decision.

best of luck to you. It's definitely not easy...

I kept waiting for that moment when he would finally come to his senses, when it would finally click with him. I wanted his approval more than anything- it is just human nature. I tried harder and harder, and guess what? Things kept getting worse! I'm sure in his mind he knew that the more he escalated it, the harder I would try, and the more he would get rewarded! Approval never happened. He isn't rational. Once I stopped dealing with him as a rational person, I moved through it.

Remorse, approval, and closure are all too much to ask for. His actions are meeting his needs. Every mind game he plays with you is intentional, and the more you react the more reward he gets. If you don't react, he will push harder until you have no choice but to react, and once again he gets rewarded.

It isn't fair and you can't make it so. You will never get a rational person out of him.It is human nature to want approval from those around you, your feelings are normal. He is disordered, not you.

Hi Chinadoll, don't be so hard on yourself. By being so disordered, so cruel, so extreme, he has trained you to think of nothing and no one but himself. Now you want to free your mind and heart from that and are finding it very difficult. Don't blame yourself, don't assume you are just weak or that you don't "have what it takes" -- for seven years you have been trained to attend to everything and everyone BUT YOU. Your life, your thoughts, your heart have not been your own.

It's going to take some time. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. But you'll make it out. You already know that it's not you, that HE is disordered, that he really is guilty of the things you list -- that in itself is a HUGE win. It took me forever just to get to that point!!! But I got better, and you will too. I wish you blessings! :)