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WEEKLY CASE STUDY Jenna

Submit a Case Study and Sam Vaknin, in person, will analyze your situation and offer insight, coping strategies, and remedies.


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WEEKLY CASE STUDY Jenna

Postby samvaknin » Fri Mar 13, 2009 4:36 pm

H

i my name is Jenna, and I have been removed from my relationship for about two weeks now. I broke up with him on February 21, being removed from this relationship and a lot of research has made me come to the conclusion that my ex boyfriend was a Narcissist. There was a huge age difference between him and I, I am 19 and he is 33. The reason that I believe I am attracted to older men is because when I was four my dad died of drug induced psychosis; suicide from allergies to too many medications due to his cluster headaches. We met when I was just 17; 20 months ago. I was not attracted to him what so ever in the beginning but his charm came on stronger one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up the third or fourth time I met him. According to a lot of people I was a lot better looking than Chris and I could do way better than him. But I did not see it this way; I thought that he was the most perfect man in the world. From there a relationship bloomed, the only problem was that he was married. He said that their relationship was miserable, that they barely had sex and he just masturbated and was addicted to Internet porn. Everyone said that their marriage was miserable, so I knew he was not lying about that. According to him this was his first affair, and I am strongly convicted that this is true. That summer we had an amazing time, over three months I fell deeply in love with him. Our relationship was full of laughter and joy, I was happy; my first time being in love. That summer I was still a virgin so the only thing was oral sex and I did that about every day. That October; he broke up with me because he said he was going to go back to his wife and try to work things out but at this point he already asked for a divorce. An hour later he came back and said that he was sorry and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of my life. The next weekend I knew that I wanted to make love with him, I was madly in love and knew that this was the right time to lose my virginity. I was not 18 yet but in NH the age of consent it 16. But anyways so in the beginning all I wanted to do was have sex. I went to the gynecologist just to get checked out and my gynecologist told me that even though I was on birth control, he should still wear a condom. When I told Chris this, he said "you do not care about my needs." he started flipping out saying that he was going to call my doctor up. After like 20 minutes of listening to him rant, he finally said that he would wear one. But I had to try my hardest to convince him. But he never did wear one. The next week my mom came upstairs in my room, I was crying because I was sick of lying to her about going to see him. She said "Jenna, I know that there is something up." She asked me if I was dating an older man, I told her yes. She was not upset; she knew it was bound to happen because I always liked older men. But time went on and the whole family ended up finding out and that was hell. My mom met him for the first time in December, he was really nice and polite and my mom loved him; so I got her full approval and she would be my cheerleader for at least some of the relationship.

Another time I was on the phone with him this was a couple months after going out, he asked me if I would ever try anal sex and I said "no, maybe when I am in my forties." He flipped out again saying that is my favorite thing and you will not do that for me. I was flabbergasted by his reaction. I should have seen signs in the beginning but I was naive and he could see that; which is exactly why he knew that I would be the perfect candidate for dating him so he could have complete and utter control over me. When we started having sex I wanted it all the time and he could barely catch up to me. Sex was really good. He had a very large penis which I always complemented him like everyday stroking his ego even more. We had sex every day until around May or June.

His wife moved out in January which is when I started to go over to his house everyday because before we used to just stay at his office. I was practically moved in, I started sleeping over. And every time I wanted to go home, he would ask me a whole bunch of questions. Like "why" or he would look like he was really upset. That Easter I went down to my aunts and I spent the first half with him. He could not go because my family was not comfortable with him yet. The next day he was like are our holidays always going to look like this me not being able to spend them with you? I expect you to pick holidays with me over holidays with your family because in a relationship your partner comes first. He said to me “I would pick you over anything”, and he would that was the problem, any time I needed him. It is almost as though I got addicted to the fact that he would give me a lot of attention. At that time this was March, I wanted to leave him but I was too scared. I was like I won't have anyone, I won't be able to have the luxuries I had with him, I will be lonely so I stayed.

Chris had a thing with SD, submissive and dominance in sexual activity. We would do role-plays like I was the school girl and he was the teacher. Or he would call me degrading names, but I kind of liked it, it felt carnal but I mostly did it for him. Then I had anal sex with him because he asked me too. He had an obsession with enemas too; which I heard is a power thing but I never did that. He was also into, going to all my doctors’ appointments. I told him that I thought that was weird. He said “I want to know everything about you and I should be there to listen to what they have to say.” I said I was not comfortable with that. He would say things like "I have licked your ass and I cannot go to your doctor’s appointment. He also was like "fine I am never going to bring you to your doctor’s appointments and I do not even want to hear what happened." But again I started to let him come in but it was just too uncomfortable for me to do that. I was always so scared to make him mad; I am a people pleaser and do not like anyone to be mad at me. So I would do anything Chris wanted me to do. At that time I was applying to colleges, and I heard back from UNH, Keene, Emmanuel, and Merrimack which was all the schools I applied too. I really fell in love with Keene and the atmosphere. But Chris was like you should go to UNH and commute so we can spend a lot of time together because it is not going to work if you are far away or in the dorm. So I listened to him and went to UNH.

We also had conversations about him and I wanting kids and I said I do not want to have kids until I get my doctorate at around 28. He flips out and is like “I will be too old by then we need to have them within the next three years. He did not care if it would ruin my dream of becoming a doctor. But again I said okay just to please him. That happened a lot through the relationship.

That April we went to Florida, I told him that I would have sex with him on the plane. He was very excited and said that he has always wanted to do that. But when I was on the plane I got motion sick and had to take Dramamine, so I fell asleep. When I woke up he was furious with me, he could barely look at me. I was stunned. He said that I promised and he was not going to trust me anymore. So I said on the way back I will and then I fell asleep on the way home and he flipped out again and did not talk to me for hours. That week I had the worst headache of my life after we had a fight. And he just left me there screaming in bed and suggesting that I was faking it. Another incident that happened was in Florida was that I would try to have sex with him on the beach. I was too nervous so I did not do it. So he left me at the beach for like a half an hour alone at night. He was like I can never trust you. I was so confused that I flipped out at him; I finally had it with his attitude. A lot off the times he would make little sarcastic comments that referred to things he was feeling like he was hinting them. He also when we were having sex would say "you like this big thing." Referring to his penis, I also felt that was about power too.

Throughout the relationship, he would always say that I did not think that he was important and that I always excluded him with everything I did. Like he was not invited to holidays, so he would say that I needed to chose between them or him. And that if I really loved him that I would punish my family and not talk to them. And show them that it is very important to show them how important Chris is and that he is most important. He said if I did not spend more than half of Christmas with him then he was going to break up with me. He said that a couple times through the relationship and he said this to my therapist and she said he was so dead set about this, it was scary. He also said things like that about birthday parties and hanging out with my friends that he was excluded from my life and he would always threaten to leave me. I did not put a picture of him on Facebook; he said that he was going to break up with me.

My senior year of high school was not so good. I missed out on so many things because of him, he was so jealous that I could not go anywhere. I could not drink alcohol unless I was in front of him. He said if I partied in school, he would also break up with me. I started flipping out, crying please don't leave me. I was petrified of abandonment. He would also use things if I started complaining, “I have sacrificed so much for you.” He would also say everything that he did to me to make me feel guilty or something or that he was entitled to anything he wanted because he did those things for me.

That summer I had surgery on my ankle and I was bedridden for eight weeks. I was going out of my mind. Four days before I had my surgery; I had a graduation party and everyone came. Chris came too; he brought his grill over, helped set up, helped cook. He looked upset the whole day like he was angry. I went out to dance in my garage with my family and I came back in to get him and he said "I do not want to see you dancing all sexual." So I stood at the door way with him watching my family dance, they said "Jenna come out and dance." And I sighed "No, I am all set." They were so confused they saw his controlling nature and were put back by it. He also wanted me to leave my own party because he felt excluded.

During that summer when I was in bed, I was miserable with the pain. Chris was the only one who went to the hospital with me that night and he used this against me numerous times, like "I was there when you needed someone and your parents were not." I was allergic to narcotics and became a little crazy. I hit Chris for the first time that summer. It soon after became a habit because I did not know how to cope. It was almost like I would throw temper tantrums as if I was four years old. During the surgery I was on a lot of antibiotics for infections and this caused yeast infections so I could not have sex with him. He tortured me to call my doctor over and over again. I did and they said I could take other medications but it wasn't working. So Chris flipped out and said I expect sex four times a day. And he was dead set on it, it was unbelievable. He punished me that summer, he would not come over till 10 o'clock at night, and he would barely call me.

I thought my ankle would be better for when I went to college because I had to drive a half an hour to school every day and it was my right ankle. It was not, so I put my name on the waiting list and got a call back that day asking if I wanted to stay in a dorm. Without even thinking I replied yes and would be ready to move in, in about a week or so. I called Chris and told him that I would be dorming this year. He was like “you’re a liar; you told me you would stay in Hampton.” Then he broke up with me. He came to my house and got all of his stuff out of my bedroom. So I ignored his calls for the rest of the day and did not pick up. I was miserable, I missed him so much. I craved him. So he apologized to me and really wanted to go back out with me. I said no. But those couple of weeks all I did was call him and we ended up going back out. So I barely stayed at my dorm because he always wanted me to stay at his house. Chris was so mad that he had to come pick me up all the time because it was so inconvenient for him but he still did it. The next semester I decided to move back home because my roommate ended up smelling and I was never there anyways. And I felt bad because my mom was paying 11,000 dollars a year. So when I would say that to him, he would use reverse psychology like fine go stay there and make me feel guilty.

It was around the holidays by this time and Chris kept pushing..."how are we going to do thanksgiving or Christmas?" I am not even going to get to see you, he would say. My family did not want him there so the only thing I could do was go there and let him be mad. But he would be furious with me and always find a way to punish me. I always felt like he was trying to isolate from my family but when I would try to address it, it would become a moot point because Chris never understood things like this. He continuously put me in the middle and wanted me to choose between him or my family. He was always jealous of my mom because I would say she was my favorite person in the world. He would say awful things about my family to try and make me not like them.

Our relationship was getting really bad, I was constantly hitting him, swearing at him, calling him whatever name in the book. I also started self-mutilating because I really did not know what to and it made me feel better. I was so scared of losing him that every time we would have these huge fights and then after we would have sex. It was the most euphoric feeling. After I did this I knew that I would not lose him that he would not abandon like my dad to me. I started accusing Chris of sleeping with other woman and a whole bunch of ridiculous accusations; I had no idea where they were coming from. I regressed to the age of a little girl. My psychiatrist and therapist diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder.

As soon as I told Chris this that, it is all he focused on. Constantly asking what I was going to do about this but a lot of the times he was supportive. But when we went back to fighting he really had no empathy what so ever; he was just so nonchalant about everything. One time I hit Chris and he grabbed my throat and pushed me; I smacked my head of the wooden floor. I was rocking back and forth in pain. Chris just stood there and told me to stop crying, he told me that I was being dramatic. He also said that I slipped. This happened a couple of times where he pushed me but he never hit me.

Winter break was happening and New England got hit with a huge ice storm so we had to stay in hotels for a couple nights. I stayed with him to keep him company. One night before I had to take my final exams for my first semester, we got into a huge fight. We both started a big brawl, with wrestling, hitting, bloody noses, and bruises. I ended up overdosing on my medication; it was for his attention because he was being incredibly mean to me. When I did it he called his friend to ask what he should do, "Should I bring her to the hospital or should I just fucking leave her here?" He was not empathetic what so ever and that is the reason I did that. So I missed my exams because I had to go in the hospital for a week. I broke up with him in there. And a couple days after I got out, I went right back with him.

Chris always knew how to get me back. He would write me cute letters and leave me nice voice mails. I thought he was being so nice and that I could go back with him. He would always say that he was going to change and that he was really trying hard. What I would do, was mirror him. Every time he wanted something I would say I would do but with my lack of impulse control I would always mess up. He said that if I ever tried marijuana, he would break up with me. I think subconsciously I knew this in my brain so I rebelled. I did it for the first time the day before New Years Eve, the year would be 2009. Chris found out that I smoked weed and said that he could never trust me ever again and even little things I would say he would be like I do not know if I can trust you. I promised him the night before that I would not smoke but I knew I was going to. That night I was at my friend’s house with her boyfriend, and her. We smoked and drank. And on the back patio her boyfriend and I kissed but then he took it too far and raped me. I went upstairs and called Chris saying "I think I was raped." And he did not even believe me so he says I am calling the police. That was at 6 that morning he did not come to about noon to be there for me because he said he was upset with me. He apologized and I was so happy that he did. When we got home he told me if I ever smoke or have a sip of alcohol we are going to break up.

I tried having sex with Chris but I just would end up crying because of the flashbacks from the rape. My therapists said that I would need intensive therapy and that I should not have sex until these flashbacks disappear. I told Chris this and he flipped out he said "You should have sex until you get over it." He had no empathy in his eyes what so ever. I went to the door crying in utter disbelief, thinking that what he said was a dream. I was so stunned and numb. He called me back and he said he was sorry and said that he loved me and never wanted to lose me. Since he said those words I thought he was being kind and thoughtful. We ended up having sex and afterwards, he had all the empathy in the world.

He also recently told me that we were abstinent since I have had my surgery. But doesn't the definition of abstinent mean never having sex. I have sex with him three or more times a week, But he says that is not enough I need it every day because it invigorates me and makes me feel better. The reason he did not masturbate because I told him not to and I believe that he did not masturbate. But I called him a sex addict. And he replied “well I am not an addict per se because I don't sleep with other people but I am addicted to having sex and you are my drug of choice.” He would always use this against me, how I wanted to have sex all the time in the beginning and he would always give me what I wanted. So I should do that for him, he said it is my turn now. And he always complained that I did not give him oral sex anymore.

One night we got into a fight because I told him that his mother had messed him up psychologically and he said “I do not want you saying this anymore” (but he could say it about my mom; he always had double standards) But then when I thought I was losing him I started hugging him and trying to make him happy again. He said “Can we make love?” I said “My therapist thinks it’s a bad idea if I have sex after a fight because of my BPD; that it would cause a vicious cycle. He told me to get the hell out of his house. The next morning we got into a fight again about what I said the night before. I had a very low sex drive due to my major depression or maybe in the back of my head I knew that I did not want to sleep with him. That same morning he was complaining, "Why don't you do something about it. Look online, read, do whatever you can." He said "your low sex drive has gone on way too long. I cannot deal with it anymore!” So I replied "Go get it somewhere else! We are over!" and hung up the phone. He texted me so many times to come pick up my shit and so on but one I am going to quote; it goes like this, "So, is it official. Now, I can move on? Or did I miss understand you, commanding to fuck other woman." And that was it, I have not talked to him since nor do I want to. That was a very abusive relationship, what do you think?

A little background about Chris, when he was 9 years old his mother left her family for another woman. Chris would always say, I really think my mother is a narcissist. And I am thinking the apple does not fall far from the tree. He was also molested at the age of 14 by his cousin who was 21 and his boss at work who was 26 when he was 16. He always felt entitled to everything and he always felt excluded. He would always say, "You do not compliment me much. I need affirmation too, Jenna." and so on. He was always good at telling me I was beautiful and that he loved who I was as a person. Chris was also very meticulous about his appearance; he wore nice sweaters and nice shoes. He had a huge wardrobe. He spent a really long time in the shower and cleans very thoroughly. When we got a year into our relationship, he started working out real hard. Now he almost has a six pack and he works out five times a week. His speech is very formal and he cannot laugh at himself what so ever. He is so sensitive about that which we got into thousands of fights about it. He would always try to play a rich guy with his fancy BMW and his fancy suits. And he also came a part of a Greek group (he is not even Greek) because he wanted to meet well to do people.

Chris also was very feminine and everyone thought he was gay but I did not think so but at times I did. I swore all gay people were attracted to him. But any way I knew for a long time that I did not like him and that I needed to let go but I could not. I was addicted to the attention he gave me because he was always with me whenever I needed him to be. He focused so much energy on me. I realized what I needed to focus on my own self. Chris and I have literally broken up like 17 times but we always had sex and got back together.

Some other things that got me thinking he may be a Narcissist is that he never had kids and he said he did not want them because he wanted to retire at a young age and do what he wanted. He also always had to work for himself because he could not be controlled by a boss. One time he told me that his boss said he was taking lunches that were too long. He told him to “fuck off”. He had OCD on how clean his house was or his car.

Through out our relationship my family has told me to leave which there are 8 people. My therapist, my Psychiatrist, and my friends; I just could not do it. I felt stuck like if I left him I would be totally lost. I would not know what to do like a child in a world alone. I lost my sense of self. I did not do things I loved to do anymore. I just sat around and did what Chris was doing. I always felt an obligation to be by his side like I was his slave. I got the strength to leave him one day and even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life; it was the best thing. I can now find my sense of self and bloom into the woman I want to be not into the woman that Chris wants me to be.

Would like to know:

1. Was this an abusive relationship?

2. Was I a victim of Narcissism?

3. Why did this happen?

4. I heard BPD and NPD couples are common, is this true?

5. How did he become a Narcissist if he is one?
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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samvaknin
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Abusive relationship

Postby samvaknin » Thu Mar 19, 2009 4:09 pm

Dear Jenna,

1. Was this an abusive relationship?

Of course it was (on multiple levels: emotionally, verbally, sexually, etc.)

Read these:

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

How to Recognize a Narcissist Before It is Too Late?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4976

2. Was I a victim of Narcissism?

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

Still, he strikes me as a somatic narcissist:

Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4920

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4959

3. Why did this happen?

Because you are young and inexperienced and susceptible to older men. You may be attracted to precisely the kind of man who would abandon you (as your father did).

These may be of help - click on the links:

Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal27.html

The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive
Narcissists

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html

The Dependent Patient - A Case Study

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html

Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

The Cult of the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html

4. I heard BPD and NPD couples are common, is this true?

Yes, it is true. Narcissists are attracted to people who suffer from certain personality disorders (dependent and borderline, mainly).

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq60.html

Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5013

Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4920

5. How did he become a Narcissist if he is one?

I don't know him well enough to give you an intelligent answer.

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also forms of abuse - see these:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/nar ... lance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal42.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc. ... doc/id/419

Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4727

Take care of you.

Sam
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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