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femfree
Site Admin
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 654
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 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 3:41 pm Post subject: POST SCRIPT |
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Relationship Post Script
| Quote: | "One of the reasons you may have been so attractive to an emotionally abusive person is that it has been clear from the start that you could be manipulated into taking care of him, and furthermore, that his needs were more important than yours. One of the most important things you can do is to begin to put your own needs first.
excerpt from The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
Beverly Engel, MFCC |
Our member's quotes....
"My NXH's wife #3 left him a few months ago and, since that time, the N has been on my doorstep, begging, cajoling, trying all sorts of methods to get me to come back to him. I will admit that I was/have been tempted...he was putting his "good face" forward...he has been all the sweet things that he was when he was first courting me many years ago. He is making me the same promises...we will travel, we have a cleaning lady, we will have lots of money, we will have a big house. Trouble is, I've heard these promises all before and they didn't come true then...why would they come true this time? Regardless, I have found myself, despite all of my knowlege of N, despite my being able to recognize N in him as he is playing it out in front of me, falling for it on occasion. I have to shake my head clear and remember what I am dealing with...what will come after he has me. It is rather like being mesmerized by a snake in a basket...you sway with him when he sways, you stare into his eyes and find yourself believing him, and then he strikes and bites you."
"So much of Me was erased by these people. Four major N's in my life. I will never get back the large hunk of life and joy they sucked out of me. I can avoid people like that in the future. I have figured out my part in it, I have changed that as best I can. I will always be a bit of a push over and I will always care for people. I will keep my eyes open for the warning signs and I will still be able to love and to trust. But I will love, trust and care for my self first."
"I have deal a lot with Narcissist's, there was one that had 4 of my patients jumping through the same hoops."
"It sort of pains me to think someone else is under my sheets with him. But, I know the truth about him. He's checking out the new woman. Soon she'll discover the empty blank stare, the nastiness of his half truths, his manipulations, his deceipt, and controling behavior. Then, she'll get kicked to the curb too."
"I nearly lost everything - gave him tens of thousands of dollars. What was my problem though - felt like I was trying to buy his love. Now, I have nothing left to give financially and he's off with another woman who has money. Hope she catches on sooner than I did."
"The past few days I've thoroughly enjoyed the children playing, talking to the adults without any weirdness. Open and honest communication. This is what life is about."
"I was told I was attractive and never had problems getting a date. After being married to him for several years, my family would BEG me to get away from him. They thought I would die because they said I looked 20 years older than I did and sickly and haggard. Since I have not been with him for 2 years, anyone who sees me says "What did you do? You look 20 years younger". aaahh what stress can do!"
"I have been so isolated from family, friends and work that I cannot feel the natural flow of life. I am at an impasse, stuck, waiting...waiting for something. There is no joy, or even upset...just a feeling of absolute flatness about everything. People talk to me...I feel nothing..I can't even emote anything. I cannot get angry even with the N stuff and legals still going on...I haven't given up..but I just feeling nothing. I'm numb ? I truly believe that I have now morphed into something else...but I don't know what. I can feel myself looking at people almost through my exN's eyes and thinking things that he probably would have thought...and that's not right...that wasn't me..that never was me. Could this be PTSD? I've never been diagnosed...my second visit with my therapist is this Monday. I cannot get excited about life..about my son..my job..nothing. In the wake of loosing everything..I have also lost my personality...my emotions....Geez did I turn into the N?"
"I just simply looked tired and worried when I was with him. I got dressed yesterday to go to the airport. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for the first time in months, I LIKED WHAT I SAW!"
"It's interesting how so many lose weight--- not gain it... I found it very difficult to eat when I was with him. At first I was happy and when he idolized me I felt like the most beautiful and skinny peron on the planet. -- I never lived with my N so I didn't have the day to day worries many of you did.. but I can only imagine if I did I would have become haggard.. But, why can't we eat when we are with them ?? I lost my appetite."
"When my spirit started to recover that it showed on my face and in my attitude towards myself."
"I think maybe the most important thing I've learned from my relationships with Ns--and it's really basic but worth repeating over and over--is to always trust your instincts. Always, no matter how unfounded they seem, because truly skilled manipulators might not give you obvious warning signs at first. You might not be able to catch them in a blatant lie, but only have the pervasive feeling that you're being lied to. They might not call you a bitch or a whore or an idiot, but say subtly mean things about your appearance or behavior or intelligence that make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed. They might not keep tabs on everything you do, but exhibit low-level contempt for your friends or family (and if they show contempt or disregard for their own friends and family, LOOK OUT!). They might not get into physical fights, but stand or walk or gesture in ways that appear physically imposing to you. In other words, they are sometimes very, very indirect, and it is at this point that they'll have you starting to question your perceptions and scrambling to reconcile your reality with theirs. This is when the unraveling begins. And the less you trust your own judgment, the harder it is to leave.
"If you have the feeling you can't be yourself with him, that he's silently judging you or those you care about, if you're afraid of making mistakes or criticisms or to simply bring up a concern because he may belittle you or that he's keeping score, if you constantly sense that he's hiding something from you even though you don't have proof, don't wait until you have "hard evidence" to make a decision about the relationship. By then your heart may be broken and your life shattered. Show yourself the respect you deserve and GET OUT. You owe him nothing!"
"I am seeing many people not take accountability for their relationship with an N/abuser. I firmly believe that one enormous step in the process of N-recovery is to take accountability & responsibility for our part in the relationship."
"My therapist told me "NP's are soul murderers. Their own soul is dead, and they want to spread their deadness around to as many people as they can. They are human vampires, and will devour you body, mind and soul. The chaotic devastation you feel from being around them under any circumstance, is their psychic poison that is contagious. The only protection is to completely end all contact."
"At some point, we made a conscious choice to remain, for however long. We chose to ignore the red flags, minimize them and/or rationalize them away. Some recognize they were victimized. Some become martyr's. I do believe there is a distinction between the two."
"N's are experienced con's. They can connive, trick, scam and totally dupe us. I firmly believe that in hindsight we can all say that there WERE signs, albeit subtle at times. We chose not to listen to our gut. We chose to stay. We are accountable and responsible for our choices. When we choose our actions, we choose our consequences. Now, do not confuse that with me saying we CHOSE the abuse. We put ourselves in a position TO BE at RISK for abuse, however, we DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE ABUSED."
"In typical abused fashion, I chose what I knew (the cycles of abuse) over the unknown which was much, much more scary at the time. Fear paralyzed me. I was scared, alone, and in what I thought for 4 years was love. I now own up to the fact that for me, it wasn't love at all. It was codependency, it was fear, it was wanting to be needed, it was wanting to be The One but it was not healthy."
"We can either awknowledge we were victimized, or we can choose martyrdom. For a long, long time (years) I chose martyrdom. I subjected myself to the abuse; I went back and back and back. I tried and tried and tried. I rationalized. I dismissed his behavior."
"In the beginning, I was totally conned, totally fooled by xN's fake persona. I was taken in. I am pissed at myself for that! However, I recognized that at SOME POINT in the whole chaos storm I CHOSE the relationship. There were times when I felt I didn't HAVE a choice, yet, that ol' gut feeling... that tingle ... that sense... was ignored. For THAT I am accountable. For THAT I am responsible, because there is ALWAYS a different choice."
"I am NOT responsible for HIS behavior, however. ONLY MINE. He is and will be mentally ill. That is not MY problem. However, in order to continue the process of healing & recovery I have had to OWN my actions and reactions. Not his. It was easier to focus on his behavior than my own."
"There is comfort in letting everything be the N's fault. There is comfort in placing all the blame on N. I did it for a long time. I am writing this for me, because it is high time I "came out" and stood up for myself and awknowledged my own culpability. I thought I could change him. I thought if I did things differently, if I did nothing, if I did something, if I loved more, if I was more patient, if I was molded into what he wanted, then "everything" would be ok. That falls on ME."
"God bless and keep you ALL and thank you so much JUST FOR SHARING. Just think how much stronger you are just for knowing...you may not think it, but you ARE. We've found them out. And don't forget:
Each of your Ns seriously underestimated every single one of you!"
"He cannot bear the uncertainty of suffering one more time. But I can! I can love and lose and love once more and, O my goodness! This makes my skin tingle with life once more!"
"In all honesty and bluntness, they tend to get away with it due to the complacency and backpedaling of their victims."
"These people are emotionally, mentally, morally and spiritually dead! Can the dead remember what is going on around them? Can the dead feel what they are doing wrong? Can the dead feel at all? They are the walking dead! Don't ever expect an apology or a change unless they find Life! I agree with this and it helped me to understand how someone can commit such horrible things. It also made it much easier to forgive when I was told this: "Carrying the dead with you is what you are doing by not forgiving! To forgive is not to forget, it's only to release a person from a debt, a debt that can NEVER be repaid! By carrying this you allow them to control you for LIFE and through LIFE!"
"My therapist said something, actually quite simple, but very profound. Something I've been struggling with for a very, very, long time. I'm out of N's home, have seen a lawyer several times, and she is waiting for my "go ahead," but something keeps stopping me. My therapist asked "When you have a cut and put a bandaid on it, how do you then take the bandaid off?" I thought for a bit and said, "quickly." He just smiled and said, "Yes, now think about that in relation to your situation." WOW! I don't know how that clicked so well for me, but it did. I wrote my lawyer yesterday and told her to continue on. Amazing what simple little things will help."
"In fact, beware of people who are attracted to the drama of life".
"The worst thing about being with an abusive partner is that IT'S CONTAGIOUS! To survive, we slowly become like them. We get shitty, we get short, we lie, we manipulate the situation right back at him, we cover for ourselves and our kids.... The toxicity spreads."
"I was reading a mystery novel and I saw the sentence, "You didn't fail, because there was never a chance for success in the relationship." What? I DIDN'T FAIL? Huh? You mean I have been beating myself up for all these years because I couldn't bear another "failure" in front of my family and friends AND myself? And I didn't even have a chance for success to begin with? Next, was "Why wasn't there a chance?" Well, the answer has become my answer to everything "N" because he is mentally ill. No matter what the circumstance with him, the answer was always the same. He's sick."
"This forum granted access to the information I needed to know about NPD in order to begin the detachment process and eliminate the false hope that he would 'wake up' or 'be responsible' or most important of all: Hold himself accountable for what he was doing. However, there had to be a clean break between my emotional process for healing, and my logical process for dealing with the N."
"It has made me sick to my stomach to realize and own up to the fact that I had chosen to continue the cycle of abuse even though N is soooo out of my life. Yet, his cruelty has been replaying itself in my head for months now. I have stopped asking myself what was so wrong with me that I either:
- chose an N
- stayed with the N
- tried everything I knew to "make it work"
"Again, the answer is always the same: Because he is mentally ill. I got sucked in, stayed and tried to make it work all as a direct result of his mentall illness. Also, I had my own agenda's. I was lonely, yet scared to be alone. I enjoyed the "fun" things we'd go out and do and dismiss the verbal lashings that always ensued. I felt I was getting older and no one else would want me. I had been made to feel like an inconvenience by my Father, so I stuck with another man who could make me feel the same way. I was codependent and addicted to the drama, chaos and instability. I liked the small doses of a technicolor world even though most of my life with N was soo black and white. I got a payoff from staying, even though it was a negative one."
"My own self-abusive internal dialogue is over. I had to stop the cycle or else I would end up with yet another N or abuser."
THANK YOU FOR VISITING !!
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