Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I'm very new to all of this and have only begun to realise, that basically i've been living a lie for the past 4 years. I have only begun the education process on narcissism just recently. I always thought that his ways were very strange, hurtful, abusive, my God, my baby and i had to live in a shelter to try and get away from him. It didn't work. I let him come back, so he could damage me some more. I'm in love with the dream, of being with him and living out everything happily and perfectly.

He left us 22 days ago. After a terrible summer of him going from our city where we live to another one that he wishes he could live in. Every time he'd go away, he'd stay away for a week, maybe two. He wouldn't call or send email, he wouldn't be a little curious as to how our son was getting along, he would just vanish. And then the calls would start and he would eventually come back home again. He's even gone so far before to tell me, that he's met someone and then turns around and lies that there was never anyone to begin with. Filling my head with these terrible scenarios and ideas.

I grew tired of this behavior, i mean exhausted! Not sleeping properly,throwing up all day long, not eating, trying to be a full time mom all by myself (while he is off gallivanting and having a great time, doing GOD knows what?)trying to hold it together for our son, the nausea, and the never ending nights without him, where all i can do is soak his pillow with my tears. I kinda got wise and started feeling that maybe this isn't right, that maybe this isn't the best thing for our son, to see his father coming and going and unable to make up his mind.

The last time he came home, he stayed for exactly 1 week. I saw him getting lazy again, and sleeping in til noon, while i'm up at the crack of dawn, making food and getting baby ready for daycare. It was never fair. I just wanted it to be an equal partnership, but he couldn't even give me that. So it turned into an argument, which in turn i told him to leave and i have never, ever seen someone get up and head for the door as quickly as he did that day. He just left....just like that. It's like he was waiting for me to finally release him, so he wouldn't have to own any of the responsibility for the break up. So i'd be the one left feeling bad and ultimately the one feeling guilty.

He actually called me when he got to the other city and after conversing for awhile, he said to me that he'd stay "exclusive" to me, if i'd do the same. I promised to him that i would and that he would never have to worry about that.

A week later, my son and i were to go down for a visit, to see family. My ex made plans for the Sunday before Thanksgiving to meet up with us. He seemed so excited and seemed as though he missed us a great deal. He never showed up and i didn't hear from him the whole time i was in the city. I was shattered, i was sad and i was hurt. Not only was he hurting me, he was hurting our little boy too. Now our little boy is only 2, so he doesn't understand completely what is happening, but he does know the word daddy and i mentioned it to him, that he would be seeing his daddy that day.

I returned home and still nothing until the Sunday after we were supposed to meet. He sent me an email of all things. Explaining that he had found someone new and that he is finally "happy" because, he is in an open relationship and he doesn't want to feel "trapped" any longer. That our son should just consider him to be dead, because he wont be coming back ever and that our son shouldn't even bother ever knowing him. I was floored to say the least and i wont lie, but i am STILL dealing with this grief. I cant believe he chose this new person over his family. I'm sitting with a lot of abandonment issues at this point and i still cant seem to let him go.

So, i've met with a lawyer and have begun the custody battle. As, his behavior can be very unpredictable and erratic. I just don't know what he is capable of, if anything at all, or even if he would care that i'm trying to get full custody? He doesn't know yet, that i am doing this. So what can i expect from him in the next couple of months, still remains a mystery.

Does anyone out there know what i should probably expect? Can anyone out there give me any insight as to why this man, who claims to love myself and our son more than anything in this world, turn his back on us as quickly as he did? And why, would he do this to us?
And i have one more question as well, how can i stay calm and keep my cool around my son, when all i feel like doing is falling apart? How can i hold it all together for the sake of my son?
It's so hard. All of this is just so hard....
:(

Sad girl, I am so sorry you have to be going through this now. You made a wise move getting a lawyer. I don't know exactly what you can expect, but please read as many posts on this board as you can. That will give you an idea of what you might expect. Every N is different, though. We all wish they would just leave and never come back, but based on your story so far it sounds like he will be back at some time.

Stay strong, and try to get him as little parenting time as possible. Document all of his communications with you, and every time he came and left, if you can. even if you have to go by memory and just create a timeline.

No matter what he does or says, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Don't even entertain him with conversations. Go through with the divorce and try to think of this as a blessing in disguise. You only lost 4 years and your baby is young enough that he or she won't miss their daddy. Some of us stayed too long - 14, 15 even 20 years - and we lost a big chunk of our lives and exposed our kids to toxic parenting by the N.

Please let us know how you're doing.

It will hurt for a while, but when you get through it you will look back and realize how strong you really are and you'll be glad you did it.
-Rebecca

Thank you Rebecca for responding to me. This is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever had to face in my life. Some days, i feel strong, some days i feel really weak and most of the time i am usually just upset and very angry.

Are these relationships with these "N" type people, are they addictive? Can the "N" supply, become addicted to the "N"? Do you know, does anyone know? I feel addicted to him. I feel as though, i cant carry on life without him. I enable him to treat me this way, i enable him to get away with so much and i always get so little.

Despite your advice, i went back (again) and sent him yet another stupid email, even after my lawyer told me not to. I feel so stupid and so guilty! I have no idea how to release myself from this person, even though he's already moved on. What is wrong with me?

Sad Girl,
Another thing I recommend is finding a therapist who understands and deals with codependance. if you say narcissism they might get scared off because nobody who knows what a narcissist is wants to deal with one, or with the fall-out. Try a domestic violence support group since narcissists use many of the same psychological tactics as abusers. Not all abusers are N's, but I think all N's are abusers in one way or another.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's taken me a year and a half of self searching to BEGIN understanding why I put myself at his mercy for 14 years. There are many reasons, and they are complicated, but one of them is that when he was buttering me up for NS, he made me feel so special. I have always been quiet, an introvert, usually go unnoticed and never really got asked out even though people told me I am kind, beautiful and funny. I felt like I had some kind of disease or deformity that everyone else can see but me. But my N made me feel like I was the hottest woman on this earth. Talented, loving, intelligent.....until he got bored with me or had extracted the supply he wanted for the time being. Then he insulted, neglected and abused me. It was a cycle and I hung on for the praise that eventually came around.

I also am an idealist and I have learned that the man I loved never really existed. I was in love with who I "knew" he COULD be. My image and dream of the ideal husband and father I always wanted. If only he would learn how much it hurt me when he di this or that. if he would just take time to spend with his family he would see how much he was missing........ It took a LOT for me to let go of that dream and finally admit that he was never, ever going to be the man I wanted him to be. He took advantage of my dream, too. He would play along just long enough to get whatever NS he was looking for at the time, then go back to his same old N ways.
I believe that even now if I told him I wanted him back he would dump his OW and get back with me. Things would be "good" for a while until he got bored or started to feel trapped, and then OW would reappear on the horizon. He will never change. So I finally had to.

It's normal to fell like you are feeling. It's a process, be patient with yourself. Remember that you are recovering from him, just like you would recover from a sickness. Healing takes time and care.

-Rebecca

sad_girl wrote:. . . I feel addicted to him. I feel as though, i cant carry on life without him.. . . I have no idea how to release myself from this person, even though he's already moved on. What is wrong with me?

He hooked you with the push-pull, when someone withdraws their attention it causes a void, creates feelings of insecurity and impending loss, and gets your attention on them and off yourself and life in general. A predator usually creates a huge build up at the beginning of the relationship, so the void is much bigger than with normal people. Also, over time the predator influences you to drop all your hobbies and interests, and keeps you preoccupied with their interests, so when they leave you have no life because you have been living their life. The worst thing is that when you finally have a chance to get your life back, it seems dull, but eventually you will get back to normal. When thoughts of him pop up, gently pull your attention back to your life, and "do the next thing" on your Do List, don't allow him free rent space in your head.

An N is like a cat playing with a mouse, when the mouse is exhausted it isn't fun anymore so the N moves on to a fresh "mouse". Ns have no use for their children either, except as a source of NS. N fathers tend to see a mother and "her" children as a unit, when they are through with the mother they are through with the children. Right now is a great opportunity for you to get full custody while the N has no interest in the child. Don't mess it up by enticing the N with NSupply. The best way to protect your child is to refrain from contacting the N.

I missed your post because I was also traveling for Thanksgiving. Want to tell you that you are not alone in that feeling of nausea and can't sleep wondering when he is going to come home and where he is and what he's doing. I went through months and months of that and the only way for it to end was to end the relationship. Also, based on my experience, you're probably right-he was trying to get you to end the relationship so he didn't have to do it. I went through at least two years of this with my stbxnh. He seemed to be turning himself into a pretzel in order to try to drive me out. But I refused to do it-because we were in the middle of an adoption which would have fallen apart if we separated-I stuck it out & got what I wanted-but it almost made me insane! My stbxnh should also showed absolutely no interest in our daughter prior to me leaving him. Now he wants to be father of the year-so just so you're prepared-I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back and suddenly wants to be anything and everything to your son. I really hope for you that that isn't the case. Good for you for getting a lawyer and taking steps to end this craziness. You can do it! And by the way--there is nothing wrong with you!!! There is something very wrong with him. Just go no contact--it will make a world of difference. He will never change.

Wow, thank you everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement! You're all just so awesome!

Day by day things are getting better. I obviously have my up's and downs (like yesterday) But, I've started to practice yoga again and the doctor prescribed me some medication, which is actually helping a lot!

He had the audacity to email me and ask me if he could come visit our son next weekend, with the OW in tow, can you believe that? What an arse! He also sent me another email tonight, about how he has just been diagnosed with cancer. I mean i feel bad, but is it really true? And if it is, oh well, karma has a very funny way of coming back around for those who deserve it. I feel super harsh for saying that, people don't deserve cancer, but if anyone should get cancer, it should be him!

I'm going to keep riding this storm, until i see sunshine and blue skies. I'm sitting with reality right now and am learning quite a lot about myself and my son through this whole process. The one thing that keeps me going, is knowing that, what i am doing right now, is worthwhile and meaningful and what my ex N is doing right now isn't worth anything at all in this world.

Thank you all so much!

The best thing for your son, would not to have this N as his father...ie if the N wants nothing to do with him, it's awful but a blessings. Just ask those here, who have seen the Ndads destroy their children and fight them at every turn. The N tell the children lies about the mothers etc..
BUT he should be paying child support.

As someone else said, document document document...it can really make a difference, if you can prove he abandon his son and wants nothing to do with him. (cause some N's come back to show the new OW that they are daddy of the year and go for the throat to do it)

Hope you have a good lawyer and that the N crawls away, but sometimes, when they walk/abandon it's fine until we say ok 'go, I want custody', they suddenly decide they want custody after all, just to be a pain in the arse.
I hope it works out for you. Therapy as someone else mentioned is a great tool, not just for the healing now, but so you don't end up with another n in future. They come in so many different types, but once we change, it empowers us to recognise them and other abusers.

good luck.

Therapy is something i have looked at and actually am waiting to meet with her soon. I cant wait, to get everything sorted out!

Thank you everyone, for all of your wonderful words, advice, encouragement and your stories. It's helping, slowly but surely!

Sad girl,

I just wanted to chime in and encourage you.

It ABSOLUTELY gets better. Read the posts from folks who have been here a while. We've all been where you are - some less, some more. But the one thing that we know for sure is that it DOES get better.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself by going to therapy and getting a lawyer to protect you. We're here for you.

Hi Sadgirl,
I am sorry to learn of your struggle, but I'm glad you are breaking away from that relationship - for your sake and for your child's sake.

My husband abandoned our daughter and I when she was one, and a terrible battle ensued over assets and wether or not I could move 70 miles away. I ended up being allowed to move, and was awarded an equitable division.

Here is what I know to be true:
- absolutely do NOTHING illegal or questionable. You must keep your nose clean at all times.
- beware of lawyers who will try to fan the flames to prolong the battle.
- find out what your responsibilities are as a parent, what you are required to do. Do it. Document everything. Show no expression, do not gratify the N with any drama, emotion, or signs they are "getting" to you. It will feed their fire.

I still struggle with my ex. He has many N qualities and abuses substances, but there is nothing I can do unless he gets a DUI (please, God!) OVerall, we maintain an outward appearance of friendliness and I have genuinely tried to be of good will to him. To his credit, I think he has too - he's just has the basic nature of a snake.

Anyway, try to hook into a good support system if you can. Don't do anything he could use against you.
best wishes to you!