Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Melinda yes I have, and I get married next year, but ive been away a very long time from my ex and the time I spent healing myself
I think the valubale lesson I learned was not to be totally dependant on anyone in life but that doesnt mean I couldnt love again it just means you need to learn to love yourself first that for me was a lot harder, and still is .I learned more about myself on this board than I have ever done trying to heal myself.
Knowledge is strength, but first work through the pain, you will come out on the otherside feeling a stronger wiser person.
Right now all you feel is anger and pain and resentment, but once you have worked through that you will feel better.
I sat and wallowed in self pity for a long time, I kept asking why how could he do this to me , then as I got stronger I started telling myself off and saying hes not worth my tears or my thoughts Im wasting this life that I have so little of looking back and regretting missing the bright future thats before me.
I really appreciate how you feel I do remember the pain but I also am so glad I became strong and stayed NO contact its the only way to heal.
you will heal.
Love n hugs
Movedon
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Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1404

Hey moved.....share with us how you met this man your gonna marry.......
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Melinda,

Sorry all this has happened to you, but now you are OUT and can go on with your life--a very positive thing.

Your little girl's sucking her thumb again is a sign that she is "regressing" momentarily into a "safe" place (and that is a natural,normal and to-be-expected phase for her--and for an adult as well in response to a stress in life.)

YOu now have a wonderful opportunity to reassure your daughter that YOU will be there for her and that her world has not fallen apart. It is a difficult thing sometimes to do when you may feel your own world has fallen apart as well, however, you are the adult and though you are obviusly in pain right now, you at least have a much better handle on what is going on than your daughter can.

My suggestion is that you parent your daughter the way that YOU feel is correct, that you give her extra reassurance, physical cuddling, and explain to her what is happening, for example. "You seem upset, Susie, by my quarrel with John, and I bet you miss his daughters Jane and Mary, who were your friends. What you are feeling is OK. I love you and I will take care of you. I will not go away from you, but it is important right now that Mommie and John not be around each other. We are going to have a new place to live for a while, but I will always be here for you. Would you like to talk to mommie about your feelings?"

Good luck and God bless, Melinda--hugs andprayers
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi Cookie, I met him in the old msn chatrooms, on the main board we chatted for a year just generally and when his wife left him for another man after 40 years of marriage, I supported him and got him through the misery that, that brings, Cut a long story short, we eventually met and although he had to travel great distances to see me, we got together and have been in love for a long time now.Hes very understanding of my past traumas and understands( as much as anyone can undertsand unless they have suffered abuse and child molestation and rape) I had a lot of issues to work through and still have triggers but we are happy together and are miserbale if we are apart from one another.
Hope this answers your question. Embarassed

(((((((hugs))))))))
Movedon
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Hope your ok Cookie xxxxxx

melindasian · Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Australia

Hi movedon, glad that you have found love again which is reciprocated! I just want to say that I am OK as a single entity. Throughout the years I have had many times on my own. I just wanted to be with this man!
Its not that I cannot be with just my friends, family and daughter, its just the thought of not having him!
I am starting to feel that perhaps I am also 'psyco'. After everything in this last three years, I still miss him and keep having flashbacks to all these things he has said over the last almost year (until I moved back in).
His texts only concentrate on me not coming to the party with focusing on a financial future - see he has the house (I have nothing to contribute financially). He wanted me to move in then I did. However, he also sold the house the week I moved in. So his statements about me not being committed to a financial future just don't match.
As far as my daughter is concerned, that baffles me also.
How come he does'nt fire off text messages saying he does not love me anymore, does not think we are suited anymore, does not desire me. None of these things which would be directed at me personally have been mentioned. And that's because I know he considered me his best friend, yes we did get on like a house on fire (same sense of humour) great bedroom life also. It was just when the ugly person came out that he would allow himself to ignore all these things (even if he had only said to me the day before how happy I make him feel and how much he loves me and wants me forever).
I'll be honest - last night I almost text him - I did'nt - I knew it would get me totally handswiped with probably more rejection.
God this is terrible - I am starting to feel like I am the mental one!!!
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MGx

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi hun , NO your not mental you have just been emotionally bashed about
Leaving your home is a big thing then to have to move so soon after you have just settled plus get over a heartbreak plus worry about your daughter you have been through a lot.
I loved my ex and I never thought Id love like that again, he was my world, even though he beat me id stupidly trip back for more, I just felt I couldnt live without him, but while your away you concentrate on the good times please dont forget the bad times to and its not just you its your little girl to.
It was a tough choice for me Id been with him for seven years but the violence was excalating the shouting was to I felt miserable, but I still loved him
Its really bad in this stage, and I do feel for you even though I dont know you I hate to see people in pain.
If you send him a text your saying Im crawling back to you in big neon letters and trust me he wont respect you for that.
If he doesnt answer you Mel how would you feel then?
Even If hes not an N and you text him its the same message most men prefer to do the chasing you appear to eager if you text them.Thats how they think you become a pushover to them.
Id love to tell you what you really want me to say but you know its best to stay NO contact whether you do that or not is up to you
I am thinking of you and your in my prayers
Now Im worrying I hope this doesnt upset her, and I truly wouldnt want to do that to you xxxxxxxx
Hugs
Movedon
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melindasian · Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Australia

Thanks movedon - glad you are here - you must be up late at night?? I am in Australia - morning here!
I know not to contact him - and I have done this in the past - I would not contact him - he would send me abusive messages like he has - then out of the blue he would be different!
However, this time, for my own benefit I know I cannot be with him - and I can tell you I would have a bus load of people which would intervene and probably physically stop me!
I think he does have this disorder - he does not have a relationship with his mother at all - he was abused by her husband (and she had multiple) he was ripped off in his later years by her husband, his sister was molested (by her husband). All the while the mother allowed these things to happen - I believe he has definite issues which are impacting on him now.
I know I can't save him - I have tried to open his eyes - there was a flicker about this time last year - he acknowledged putting me down was wrong. This lasted for almost a year without him losing it completely. It was just the minute I moved in. I even asked him in the first week 'are you happy I am here' he said of course I love having you here. Then he nitpicked over my daughter, then it went downhill. He shuts me out. He is a professional - he managed to sleep for almost two weeks on the couch and pretty much ignore me to my face. I just stood my ground. I thought how can you blow up and tell me that we have to leave (when the house settles) two months later. What was I going to just live as a flatmate.
The biggest tell-take sign that he was just continuing to punish me was that he sold his old fridge and washing machine (still had not told me he did not want me to leave) so obviously he still intended on me staying there. But I called his bluff - I moved - and now he is saying its my decision. I have not heard from him since last message.
Thanks for your support - it is invaluable!
Melinda.
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MGx

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Melinda, dear,

It is all about "control"---he wants to put you in a "one down" position so that you are subservient to him, he has you in control--it is HIS house, HIS washer and drier, etc.

Yes, You did decide to move--GOOD FOR YOU! He did not "buy" you when you moved in, he had no right to control you--you had too much back bone and independence to let him abuse you further--as well as abuse your daughter via you---criticising your parenting style, etc.

YOU WILL get over this--he will simply move on to a more compliant VICTIM--he does not like it that you are NOT his victim any more---he does not have control of you, UNLESS you give it to him, which you are not.

I realize that "losing" what you thought wzs this "wonderful" relationship is painful, but all you lost, dear is your ILLUSION of a wonderful man--he was wearing a MASK to cover his UGLY "real face"---you deserve BETTER! Hang in there!
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Mel dont you think hes telling you that, because he doesnt want any blame on him.? That way he can do his whoa is me act to everyone who will listen, while the real truth he will keep hidden.
I know its hard but stand firm then hell be wondering what your up to rather than the other way around, then you keep your head held high and keep your dignity.If you text him or ring him your being in a submissive state of mind.
Im proud of you so far your doing great Mel keep it up love.

I suffer from insomnia thats why im always up late lol

Thinking about you, you show him you have the guts to stay away.

Hugs
Movedon
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melindasian · Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Australia

Thanks oxdrover and movedon - moved on... if you are up late and can't get to sleep - there is another person on the other side of the world awake too!!
I did suffer this weekend, mainly because I knew he was out and about, probably picking up another girl. It's very hard to imagine him intimate with someone else. Especially seeing we had a great bedroom life.
The ONLY thing I kept telling myself was that he might be 'beautiful' to her in the beginning, but will ultimately become ugly at some point. God help her!
He really was 'my everything' in the beginning, however, this lasted 9 months. That's when 'he appeared'. But he smoked me good and proper this last month. I suppose I have to give up on the fact that he will ever take responsibility for what has happened.

The thing is we talked and talked and talked all year about my hesitancy to move in - basically coz where I am right now!!!!

I did have a lump in my throat most of the morning at work, but then logged on here (plus the MSN Dr. Vaknik(?) forum).
It gives me a great deal of peace to be able to see that I am not alone in this world. It's bizarre, something so wonderful, can be so damn wrong for you.
I do appreciate your responses and I don't doubt you will hear from me a little more!

Also I notice that there is a lot of talk "don't dance with this devil" they are "evil" etc etc. Are they really considered to be of this calibre??

Much appreciation
Melinda.
_________________
MGx

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi Mel, depends what kind of disorder he has read the Malignant N by Dr. Sam hes a very valuable member of this group and gives us great insights into the mind and behaviours of the N
I know hun its so hard to believe that this beautiful thing that we had, can all be a lie, but sadly thats the hard reality of it .Its hard to come to terms with the fact we have been played like a violin.
You will go through stages of healing and at the moment its very raw and so hard to deal with, what we are saying is we are here to help and support you in anyway we can, because most people on this forum have all had bad dealings with them.
I remember that pain only to well but be reassured it wont always be like this and you will see that light at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a wiser happier person and then you will know looking back you did the right thing.
However at the moment your in the hurt stage and we are all here and ready to give you help and support.
(((((((HUgs)))))))
Movedon
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OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Melinda,

There is no reason to go into great detail here on this post about HOW EVIL these people can be, but the answer is a RESOUNDING YES! LOUD AND CLEAR.

They are NOT all murderers, criminals etc. and when they walk down a crowded street the people on the street don't part like the Red Sea when they see them, they don't LOOK LIKE MONSTERS but they wear a "Mask" to cover up their UGLINESS INSIDE.

Some are "meaner" than others---or i.e. more capable of physical abuse or murder than others, but they all inflict wounds on others without any REMORSE or guilt. They are not able to perceive other's pain or hurts, and even if they could, they don't care how much someone else suffers if they get what THEY WANT. They are all about ME and CONTROL of others.

Yes, they are "the devil" and they are "evil"---and there is no fixing them. Read all you can on this site on the LEARNING forums and educate yourself about the things to look for in spotting these people in the future, and coming to grips with what you have experienced.

God bless and hugs
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1404

Hi Mel.......I liken it to 'Soul murder' because they do attempt to murder your soul.......Make sense?
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

The main thing I want to address is the fact that you think of yourself as a nothing to him, how could he treat you like you are nothing, etc. The problem is you need to work on your self esteem issues so that you know you are something, and valuable. If your own self esteem was where it is supposed to be, he could not hurt you, because you would know you are valuable and the most important person to you thinks you are very special (yourself).

If he can tell you what you are, your own inner self is not strong. That's where your work needs to be. You are placing so much importance on him that you are neglecting your own inner self. Your inner self is where you should be working. You are looking outward for validation, instead of looking inward for validation. He isn't worth the time to pour p*ss out of a boot, but you are making him important. Time to consciously work on moving your importance to yourself.

That takes a lot of hard work and effort. But validating yourself is much more important than he will ever be. Learn your strengths and your value. That will take all of that importance away from him, and place it where it belongs. You are the important person here, not him.

wahela
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"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

melindasian · Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Australia

Thanks movedon, wahela, and oxdrover for replying. I am in counselling and after focusing on what 'he' is, she is now moving on to how I have come to be where I am, and how I come to stay in this for so long.
I know especially from reading the other women's forums, that I obviously did not love myself enough, or believed I deserved better.
I think I was so desperate to make him happy, I was overlooking my own needs.
I have not heard from him and I will not be contacting him. I have been through this four times before. Exactly this time last year, we were apart for six weeks, only to have him come back out of the blue with nice things to say (after weeks of nothing but put downs).
I must have been so desperate for him to like/love me that I caved.
I will not this time. In fact I am hoping he does his usual turn around so that I can once for the last time, have the upper hand. Yes, he is a drop dead gorgeous man, in every sense, but I know I have loved before and they never treated me this way.
Guys at work are shocked, appalled, push him aside they say, don't talk to him ever again. I know that there are normal men, even my two brothers, they would never treat their wives like this.
I will continue to work on myself and be alert to this kind of person.
Still, I cried today in the lunch room on my own. I could actually imagine his voice in my ear saying "hi honey, hows your day" as if he was on the phone. It was like he was in the room!
Still grieving, don't know how long it will last???
Thanks again ladies, you are my tower of strength at the moment.
Melindaxx
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MGx