Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

We talked this morning. She is extremely patient with me. I say this because given the boundaries I have drawn, she is probably very upset with me. But she can not afford making it apparent to me. She started the conversation with “I had a very bad dream today.” I already know, this means I(me) will have to “behave” because something “bad” will happen. I did not make much reaction to this. I told her I am cleaning the house, and she said “getting ready for Eatser?” I knew where my conversation was going to be directed, she is starting slow. I knew we will have to talk about Easter and my possible visit next week. I had already prepared and answer and it was “I have not plans to visit next weekend.” Now, it’s up to her to figure out how she asks me. Here is how it went, hope I can type every thing I talked with her.

Her: Your uncle specially asked me to invite you.
Me: Oh, really? I am so honored.
Her: *Laugh*
Her: He talked about you at the party and he said nice things about you and how much we all love you ect. And how because of the distance and location of your job he was sorry you could not be here.
Me: Really? Wow, that’s great!!! Why doesn’t he says all of these in my presence? He asked me to leave his house at New-Year Eve remember? Wow!?!? What a come back.
Her: He really means well, and now he is very sorry that he asked you to leave. He did not know the whole story. The Easter Party will be at the Greek restaurant.
Me: Well mom, I am not going to put myself at the same situation as it was at New_year Eve EVER AGAIN.
Her: It was painful for me too.
Me: Well, we all have a way of coping with things. For me, I have to be away from that family. I will never trust like I have before. I do not belong there because their rules which I have religiously followed so far have changed and I feel betrayed. I refuse to be smile and pretend every thing is okay when people are mean and rude to me and to eachother. I will not put a fake smile on my face. I am not going to go on an on, because we already have talked about this several times. God bless every one no matter where they are on the their path , but I am moving on with my life the way I think it’s best for me.
Her: Just like that, you are not coming to the Easter dinner.
Me: No, I am not.
Her: You left me and your brother helpless, all we do is think about you all day long.
I cry and I can not sleep at night. You brother asks about you every single day.
Me: I can not be around that guy, honestly, I am scared, he will hit me if I disagree with him, because he tried to hit me at the New Year Eve party, remember?
Her: He was drunk.
Me: How can I be sure he will not be drunk again. I am not risking myself again.
Her: So you gonna leave me, and the whole family just because of 2 people.
(note, she means 2 people, my uncle and my brother’s wife who I can not stand.)
Me: Mother, listen, I do not think I am doing anything wrong. Every one has moved on with their lives the way they want to, and I expect people to accept the way I am moving on with mine. Thanks for understand. Maybe I will come and visit you sometimes, but that’s about it, I do not want to see anybody else and that’s that.

Her: You do what you think is right. *sarcastic voice*
Me: Yes, Okay. *strong voice*
*Hang up*

********
I think I typed every thing. But there was few more things here and there we exchanged. Basically she was telling me to confirm and obey just like rest of the family does. And I told her I feel bad for rest of the family. My uncle, what a looser. He is a N and he has the whole family turning any way he wants. I am not sure why I need to pay and suffer for his sickness and I really feel bad for the family. Because, otherwise, I feel I have a nice family.
My mother's tactics seems to not work. I am not sure what is she going to come up with next but there will be one.
I am sticking to my guns no matter what. I am following the path of freedom. I told her I make my decisions now and they are made by me and they will stay that way. I sounded so strong today, I hope I made a good statment to her.
I hope my tell her I will visit her sometimes, she does not take it as I might have her back in my house to live for a long period of time. But if there is a time to discuss that, she will hear it from me.
Anyway. I am sorry for typing on and on. Hope you are still with me.
Thank you all. PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 265

PL,

I must reply to your post because I had the exact same experience with my N mother and her phone calls. I really struggled to decipher the "code" of her manipulations and I feel as if you are nearly there.

First she flatters you telling you all these wonderful things someone else (your uncle) said about you. Has this person EVER complimented you in person?

Then you remind her that your uncle kicked you out of a New Year's Eve party and she's says "yeah, it was painful for me too". Once again the focus is OFF of your pain and ONTO her pain. Oh, my God, did your mother leave the party after you? Did she stop speaking to your uncle because of the horrible way he treated her daughter (you)? Did she phone you the next day to ask how you were feeling after that horrible treatment?

Then she says "Just like that your not coming"? What she's really saying is you are cold, cruel, heartless, uncaring to so calously make a decision like this, as if you don't care. Guilt, Guilt, shame, shame, manipulation.

Next sentence "you left me and your brother helpless". Helpless? How are they helpless? Are they physically disabled? Are they hooked up to a ventilator?

Then you point out that your brother tried to hit you last time. Does your mother show ANY empathy at how you must feel about your brother attacking you? No, she said he was drunk. MAking excuses. He's not responsible for his behavior toward you, but YOU are responsible for HER feelings by not attending an event you don't wish to attend because it will hurt HER feelings? Again all about her.

Then you explain very diplomatically that you aren't blaming anyone, you don't want to hurt anyone, you just want to live your life.

Then she says "So you gonna leave me and the whole family becuase of two people". In other words, I think you are being foolish, I think you are wrong, I think you are making a bad decision and I am always right and therefore you are wrong. She is Unable to respect your decision not to attend. In other words, she doesn't respect you.

She's going to be alone with the whole family? What about you? What about how hard it will be for you to be alone and away from the whole family because you chose to be healthy, you chose to do something positive for yourself, you chose not to put yourself in harms way, you took care of yourself. YOU are brave. YOU are couragious. Does she ever think how difficult your holiday will be?

PL, I have to tell you I went round and round with trying to logic and reason with my N mother many times. Even if I kept my boundary and didn't cave I still felt crummy after being in the verbal ring with her going several rounds. She always tried to wear me out. It never ended until I put an end to it by NO CONTACT. You don't have to go no contact to end these verbal boxing matches, just remember NO JADEing. Don't JUSTIFY, ARGUE, DEFEND, or EXPLAIN your decision. You can remember JADE when your in the thick of it. You will be surprised how much JADEing we do while speaking with them. If you try to cut out JADEing you will see a big difference. Try it.

Big Hug. You're doing great. Don't give in.

wownowfree

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

Thank you wownowfree so much for replying. Always like deciphering.

kikisand · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

Oh, my gosh, do these Nmoms have a SCRIPT they all follow?!?! My Nmom could have said the exact same things, verbatim.

Wow.
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

kiki--that is exactly what I was going to say. she wrote a conversation I have had about 100 times with my sister--except I always gave in until about 8-9 years ago, when I started (very slowly-in baby steps) to stand up to her.

Pretty Lady--you go girl!! stick to your guns. YOU know what is healthy and she doesnt. She doesnt want you to break the "family code." Well--I congratulate you. You broke it and I wouldnt blame you if you BLASTED it at the top of your lungs!

NO MORE CODES. ONLY REAL LIFE WITHOUT ABUSE OR MANIPULATION!!!!!!

whoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama