Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

Well, it seems that our un-involved GAL is recommending to our judge that xNh be given more time with D-4. He is giving him an extra weekly overnight as well as his regular 8 hr weekly visitation. Nothing else changes except for the fact that N gets 4 weeks summer vacation that N can take "whenever his work schedule provides" , afterall he is a"dedicated policeman" (GAL's quotes, not mine) So, it is a kick in the pants for me. All my real evidence of how N treats me in front of D doesn't matter, all the nasty emails/letters/verbal confrontations that he and his family have done to me don't matter. My playing by the rules doesn't matter. Nothing matters except "Ohgal is villafying the wrong people. N is a great dad and is great with "the kid" ".
I am SICK to my stomach...How can anyone look at my real evidence (tapes, pictures, witnesses, etc) and say it doesn't matter.
I am so dumb for not leaving Ohio 3 yrs ago....

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 967

http://www.womenslawproject.org/reports/Benchbook_2005.pdf

http://www.ohiodvresources.org/faq/viewitem.php?id=70

http://www.ohiodvresources.org/attinfo/casesumm/viewcat.php?cat=1&subcat=15

http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/probono/childcustody/domestic_violence_chart1.pdf

OhGal,

What are the qualifications of your GAL? What sort of background does this person have? Does he understand anything about domestic violence -- he apparently doesn't know it when he sees it.

Can you challenge the GAL?

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 907

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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 907

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dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Ohgal,

This situation really stinks.

I really feel for you, especially since your daughter is so young. My doctor once told me that one of the worst things about divorce is that you can no longer protect your children. Ouch.

Is there any chance that he will back off when he realized the responsibility involved? Or will he back off if you act like he is doing you a favor???

Hang in there.
Dagna

ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

Hi all,
Summer and Lived~ THANKS for the excellent advice. It helped me alot last night. Today, I am MAD. Seriously. I mean in what other realm of life can someone degrade (slander) another person and NOT be held accountable? In the workplace it would be dealt with. In the schools, it would be dealt with. But with an innocent 4 yr old girl who has to hear that her mom is "a nut, obese, lazy, and not supportive" and worse I am sure, no, the N is not held accountable because he is a "good dad". My brother thinks that GAL's see so many "deadbeat dads" that to finally see someone who can appear so polished and charming and sincere actually want more time with his daughter isn't that common. I don't know?
N called D on the phone yesterday and she told me that he is taking her to a hotel this weekend. I have emailed him now 3 times asking for the contact information and guess what? No reply. He knows he can get away with this now and he will use it to the hilt. All I want to know is where she will be as well as a contact number. The GAL referred to my requests like this as "trying to control dad's time" WHAT?? But the N can demand that I take D to a sport that he signed her up for on my weekend and it isn't controlling? I just don't get it.
I will ask for my trial on Weds. Afterall, it is my right I think? The GAL can make his recommendations all he wants, but I will at least get to present my actual evidence at a trial. It may not matter or make a difference, but if I have to go down, at least I will have done so knowing that I did all I could do.
Why do all atty's want to "settle" and not go to trial??? You would think the extra billable hours involved with a trial would be enough to push them to be more motivated??

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 907

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 967

Oh Gal,

ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

Lived~
I know! The woman is from Ohio, about an hour away from me.. I told my dad when I heard she was missing that I bet the boyfriend was involved. VERY SAD. Very senseless as well.

mthankful · Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 84

Ohgal

I know your frustration. Just stay strong and firm for your D. I don't understand why the justice system is the way it is - but I think you are right about how others percieve the N's. They appear to be so "interested" in their children. All that is said against them looks like a jilted spouse who is trying to cut them out - and many times the evidence is overlooked.

I tried to have the np go to a family intervention - the intervention program is very child based & has child psychologists, therapists, etc that try and help high conflict vases to arrive at arrangements for the children that are fair to the children. It meant the lawyers go away and leave the details to be sorted by experts. As soon as np learned that there were psychologists involved he refused. We also had to attend a "parenting after separation course" (it is the law) before court. In the parenting course one of the strongest messages are to not let it go to court - because of course the judge has no "interest" in your child - hears a 10 minute version of events & makes a decision maybe not best for the child... np insisted it go to court - he knew hed have a better chance of getting visitation rights -- so it went to court and worked out well for him. I still feel angry with it all. And yes I did try to do everything by the book & no it didnt make one bit of difference. So I truly understand why you feel like whats the use...
Stay strong and keep your mind clear - you are going to need it!
m

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 967

Mthankful,

Great thinking on the family intervention program -- is there anyway you can try that route again? I agree, Ns would rather have a legal battle -- but highly qualified mental health care/evaluations were what finally worked in my case.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 907

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mthankful · Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 84

Dear Livedthroughit

I have never thought about bringing the subject up again for the intervention program. But I am glad you mentioned this! I am determined that I am going to get things set right for my son - I think you are onto something.
I intend to go to victim services and womens shelter as well - advice given to me by the childrens advocate group (and about the only things I havent tried) The intention is to have my story told and have them help me if they can - only if it is to supply a character reference. But with this idea - asking for the intervention program - I can let them also know that this is my intention & I am sure once knowing my story they will support this. The NP will refuse and his lawyer will scoff at the idea - but I am hoping that a Judge will look at what I have tried to do for S. You know I paid for child psychologists and everything - none of which the judge even paid attention to.
I know that the order must change when S starts school. But with that a few years away I am afraid that time will also work for NP and he will really have a case.
I dont know what else to do - I am exhausted thinking about things which I think gets me down in the dumps alot.

Summer, I here you. The NP's lawyer is the most disgusting creature next to her client. All my pleas were ignored and it was there way or no way. $35K court costs. And yes he has broken the court orders and everything & there is nothing I can do about it. (he broke the terms of which he insisted on lol).

Many thanks guys,
m

ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

I just can't help but think...in about 15+ yrs we will have a whole generation of kids from this "shared parenting" era and they are sure to have issues. The justice system thinks "any dad is better than no dad". Too bad there is no one to educate the mass legal system on the damges caused by N's to these kids! Maybe then they would actually LISTEN to our concerns.
Going through this experience has definately jaded me...I know I have to stay strong for my D, but I honestly can't envision dealing with my N for another 14+ years like this!

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 967

OhGal,

I agree. I believe a couple of states have already began to rethink the shared-parenting-is-always-best doctrine. I just can't think of which ones. I have a neighbor who has shared custody and all four of her kids were in summer school this year. They can't do hardly any activities because mom and dad can't ever agree on anything. They all seem to struggle, and worst of all, they just don't seem happy.

The funny thing is -- you take well adjusted, non-disordered parents. They can understand the limitations of shared custody, because they can put their children's needs in front of the own desires. Just to use my male friend's son as an example. He is the same age as your daughter. Legally, they are on shared custody, but I notice long periods of time where dad ends up with him a lot more than mom. You don't see dad running back to court asking for child support -- he just enjoys the time he has. His exwife recently asked him about their s starting school next year. She said she thought s would do best in the same bed every school night. Dad agreed, and even though he is a little sad that he will end up spending less time with his s when school starts, he knows that's the best thing to do. Yes, shared custody works most of the time -- but it doesn't work when one of the parents is disordered. I just wish the court could recognize the difference. Our society is so obessed with worrying about "malicious moms" who would minimize dads time with children for the wrong reason. Funny thing is, most of the research I have looked at says very, very few moms make up things about dads during custody disputes... Something is very wrong here.