FORUM MISSION STATEMENT.
THIS FORUM IS INTENDED TO BE:
A place of mutual support.
A place of safety where members can receive help, and return help.
A place of healing, of compassion and mutual respect.
A place where sometimes tough love is required, and given accordingly. Please see the article below for a definition of "Tough love" - and why it is sometimes necessary. The forum recognises the deep pain and confusion that comes about from being in a relationship with a disordered abuser. Sometimes tough situations require tough solutions in order to promote healing.
Tough Love with Dr. Garry
Tough love is for tough problems, and the people who have them. Tough love means taking a strong, direct approach with the person with tough problems. Those problems affect not only the person with the problem, but the people around them and in their lives. Tough love means deciding to not stay stuck in the problem, or go along with it anymore. It means saying to the person making the bad choices, "This has to stop, I am no longer going to participate in choices that deepen this problem, I am committing to acting on a solution. I am no going to support your bad choices any longer, especially by going along with them, or feeling trapped and victimized by them." It is exactly like pulling on the brakes when a car has gone out of control.
It is important to remember that there is a difference between a person and their behavior. We can love a person, but hate the choices they are making and the behavior that comes from it.
Tough problems and the people who have them are best characterized by:
a. a problem lasting longer than six months.
b. a person stuck in the problem and resists the solutions Often they "defend" the problem, or explain why it can't change, or why they can't take the indicated action to make things better.
c. a person denies the truth and/or depth of their problem behavior, and the consequences that result from their choices that affect them and the others around them.
d. they minimize the impact of their actions, or the size of their problem. They keep secrets, and protect them.
e. they deny their own free will in relation to the problem. "It's not their fault".
f. will not listen to the reason of others, and resist treatment attempts
http://telepicturesblog.warnerbros.com/tyrashow/2007/01/tough_love_with_dr_garry.php
A place to confirm that you have made the right decision to leave an abuser.
A place to affirm your instincts as to whether you are dealing with a disordered person/s.
A place that promotes healthy feelings and actions.
A place to learn about what happened to you, and what to do about it.
A place of reciprocity, of give and take. To hear others, and to be heard. It is often the case when we are enduring or just out of an abusive relationship that we post alot, and are unable to support others initially. But it is expected that if members and moderators give their valuable time to assist someone, that they attempt to listen and acknowledge the support they are given. It is entirely their perogative whether they take our advice or not - but we are not here to enable anyone to stay in an abusive relationship that is destructive to them and others.
A comprehensive resource that will enable you to learn more about disorders, abuse tactics, self-awareness, and healing techniques.
THIS FORUM IS NOT INTENDED TO BE:
This is NOT place to enable you to stay within an abusive relationship. We will not provide hints and tips on how to continue to live with a psychopath or narcissist. If you come to the forums seeking idea's on how to stay with your P or N, then you may expect to be challenged on this - because at the end of the day, you are playing with a person with no conscience and no empathy and you are going to prolong your agony and erode your mental health.
This is NOT a place for members to learn how to beat the abuser at their own game, or learn how to seek revenge on an abuser.
This is NOT a place to enable members in any self-destructive behavior.
This is NOT a place where members can vent endlessly about their abuser, seek attention only for their problem, whilst continually demonstrating no wish to move on towards a more healthy future, and giving no support and assistance to others. There are many members here that do wish to move on, and that need genuine assistance, and those that demonstrate the sincere wish to heal will be given priority. Managers and members here give their time generously, for free - so please do not abuse their support.
This board is not a substitute for professional therapy.
The managers of this board do not underestimate the devastating emotional and sometimes physical effects of relationships with psychopaths and narcissists, and the sometimes long-lasting torment that ensues. We do however have a responsibility to our membership as a whole, and to each individual to do everything we can to enable people to remove themselves from an abusive situation where-ever possible.
Link to our No Contact (NC) Contract: http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/the-no-contact-contract-t11124.html
We cannot with conscience enable people who want to stay with their abusers, but who just want them to change. There is no known cure for psychopathy and narcissism. It is a permanent disorder. We cannot change their behavior - we can only change ours.
If after a time here, you feel that your situation is not serious enough to warrant leaving your abusive partner/situation, or you believe your partner is not narcissistic or psychopathic, then we will respect your choices, wish you well and you may be asked to leave. Staying in abuse is not advocated here. It is disruptive to healing, counterproductive to our purpose and often very triggering for those who do wish to move on and heal from abuse.
Alternatively a person's problems may be deemed beyond the scope of this board, and require professional therapy to assist and support them.
Staying in abusive situations is not healthy, sometimes some situations are so abusive that a person may not be sure that they are being abused. We recognize understanding, healing, and moving forward takes time. We are here to help everyone, but we also recognize that moving on from these emotionally draining relationships takes more than support and empathy from others, it also takes motivation from within ourselves.
For your further information we do not advocate:
- Cyber-stalking the N/P
- Continued contact with the N/P when there are no children involved
- Manipulating others to participate in the drama with the N/P
- Revenge on the N/P
- Advocating other members to contact their N/P
- Continued contact with the OW or OM
A word regarding contacting OW/OM:
"if you do decide that you conscience will NOT let you not at least warn the new OW, be prepared. Our experience is :
- they will not 'receive' the info in the manner it was intended; they will not react to it they way you think, want or expect them to.
- they've already been brainwashed by the smear campaign/pity ploy against us launched by the N.
- if they are truly 'hooked' already, they are in denial
- they could very well have their own 'issues' / vulnerabilities / dysfunctional belief system that led them to the N in the first place.
- that you will come away from the experience feeling more battered, bruised and abused than before.
All of the above prolong drama, whilst understandable due to the "crazy-making" nature of relationships with N/Ps, are behaviors that ultimately prolong the agony of trying to heal from abuse. All relationships with N/Ps involve drama - this can be addictive to some people. If you want the pain to stop, it is the same for any addiction - and removing yourself from the drama by cutting it out of your life is the quickest way to heal.
Relationships with narcissists and psychopaths are seriously detrimental to peoples mental well-being. Our mission here is to help as many people as we can to overcome these effects and regain their lives.
Our board deals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathic Personality Disorder. Some people may come to the board with the "advantage" of knowing that their partner/relative is diagnosed - many others do not know for sure. If you come to the boards and tell us that you believe your partner/relative is either of the above, we will take your word for it and advise you accordingly.
We are not mental health professionals. All managers here are former victims of either psychopaths or narcissists. They have walked where you are walking now, and they are here to help you through. They are chosen for their years of personal insight on the subject, their compassion, people-skills, strength of character, empathy, and integrity. They are informed, passionate about helping members, and committed to promoting healing and positive change for all victims of psychopaths and narcissists.
We are also lucky enough to have many long term members who have moved on to heal, and yet who stay to help new members through the fog.
A word to the wise: "When another member here offers you advice, please consider the source: Experienced vs. Inexperienced re: dealing with NPD, or DISORDERED personality PATTERN".
IF YOU ARE WILLING TO INVEST IN YOURSELF - SO ARE WE.
We welcome you and wish you well on your healing journey.
"You are not the NP's existance. You cannot help them and you cannot heal them. Reach down inside of yourself to find the inner person that you know that you can be and leave them and extract them out of your lives. Then and only then will you know the true inner happiness that you can be. That's magic in a nutshell. Finding yourself". Windsong.
"This took me 7 yrs but I am extremely proud of this....Someone close to me told me the other day that they had seen the xp...mentioned he looked like cr*p and a few more things......Later that same night I had to really try to remember what they said to me....Who it was they had seen.....She and I both realized with some shock that I have healed quite well! Indifference! And you know I give the credit to this site as well as G*d".....Cookie2.
"The words of wisdom that helped me leave an abusive situation were these: "If I could wave a magic wand for you, and make all this disappear I would - this is something you have to do for yourself - but I will help you all I can". I took that hand, and it helped me through. We here are holding out our hands to you - if you make that decision to end abuse, and if you need support, we are here for you. Don't lie to yourself, don't put yourself down, you are important - YOU matter." Echo
"Focus on YOU. Your recovery, your life, your joy. You can do this. Keep your eye on the prize that is YOU." Knoxy
"One thing I can say about "how long will it take" - which won't be of much help either - is people process at different rates. There is no set time frame on grieving. It may take one person just a matter of months, someone else a matter of years. From what I have read and experienced, there is often a correlation b/t how long it takes and how much you were emotionally invested in the relationship. Makes sense. If you weren't very emotionally invested, it would take less time than if you life revolved around that person. Another factor would be the amount of past trauma one has not yet dealt with effectively. Many times, having a romantic relationship with an N - then being D&D brings up alot of unhealed hurts... so you're not only sifting through issues related to just the N specifically, but also alot of other unresolved past issues. So the long and short of it is ... "It takes as long as it takes". Everyone's experience is different. A frustrating answer, but it's reality. But - if you stay on course, do the hard work, introspection, therapy - you WILL get there" Louxloux
"Telling them how you feel
in a telephone call
Won't help you heal.
It won't help at all.
Writing them a letter
with bad behavior listed
won't make them act better--
your words will be twisted.
You can rant, plead, and curse,
But it simply won't do.
Ns only get worse-
You must take care of you". Zanderman.
"I know this is very hard for people to hear -- people who were victimized and targeted by a human-looking predator -- but in the end, no matter the abuse, no matter the devastation, you cannot fix a disordered soul. You cannot install truth, or a conscience, or even the love they swore up and down and sideways they felt. There is quite literally *nothing* you can do to them, or for them, that will make a damn bit of difference. Stop wasting your energy on someone who will never change. You need it for yourself!
But the problem you CAN fix is . . . yep, you guessed it. YOU. Something in you made you disregard your gut warnings, override your better judgement, tell yourself the N is someone they most definitely are not. Stop worrying about the N/S/P and their new squeeze o' the week, and look inside. Take the mask off the man or woman in the mirror. The predator was destructive and evil, no doubt about that. But what attracted you to that? What made you stay? What drove your choices?
No, we don't choose to be abused. But we DO choose what we think and believe, about ourselves and others, and those beliefs drive our choices. What's driving yours? Once the shock is over, and the N has been revealed, the real work of healing our lives begins. Have the courage to turn away from the predator and to look inside yourself, not in blame, but in love and acceptance, and see what got you hooked and kept you trapped. We're never safe from being hooked again until we deal honestly with our own complicity in it. Much love and many blessings!" --MercyMe
Your Managers.
Windsong,
Cookie,
Echo,
Knoxy,
Louxloux,
Matilda,
Zanderman,
MercyMe
Our Forum Rules:
[/quote]Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group Forum Rules
Our forums are family friendly and we want to ensure you enjoy and feel comfort and safety on this site. We are not professionals, and cannot diagnose, it is your decision, whether or not you take any advice or suggestions given to you. This is a support forum only, and any information within this site is not a substitute for Professional Therapy/Counselling, medical or legal help.
All users who participate on these forums are expected to follow and abide by the following rules and regulations. By participating and posting you agree to abide by the following guidelines:
Board Rules & Guidelines for posting
________________________________________
No inappropriate language
No graphic pictures, nudity, or semi-nude photos or videos.
No posting of explicit sexual details.
No attacking, name calling, talking down to or belittling our members or moderators; we have zero tolerance to any form of abuse.
No spamming or spamming via multiple postings. Website links to spam sites are not allowed.
No multi Level Marketing/spam/scam promoting to our members through threads or postings.
No solicitations of personal donations, emergency funds, finances, gifts or panhandling.
No disrespectful postings regarding other forum's.
POSTING COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL:
When posting copyrighted material of any sort you must provide the source and a link to the URL. The website address and author information needs to be included in the body of your message. If you copy any information from the link, it must be a small excerpt only taken from the whole portion, and the text must not be altered in any way.
EXTERNAL LINKS:
Any link to other websites posted in any message must be considered a PG rated site. A link pointing to an illegal or adult oriented site or any other inappropriate site will be deleted and may result in membership termination.
ADVERTISING:
Personal advertising for your business must be approved by the managers before posting anywhere on the forums. Advertisements will be deleted if they are posted without first contacting the managers of this site. If you are interested in posting an advertisement for your business, please contact the managers for approval and provide a copy of the advertisement you wish to post.
RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR:
We expect all members to behave as adults and in a reasonable manner when posting. Treat others with dignity & respect (as you like being treated).
No disrespectful, mean-spirited and unreasonable posts. While we respect debates and sometimes heated discussions regarding certain topics, we ask that posters do not personally attack or insult any other member.
While we cannot validate all the information posted on all our forums, any information posted that is deemed overwhelmingly false and/or slanderous will be removed without notice.
All postings made by users are the statements and opinions of each individual user and do not necessarily reflect the views of the managers.
Because this is an emotionally charged environment, situations between posters occasionally flare up. It is the job of the moderators to manage these situations. Please do not interfere in these communications.
If you find yourself upset or triggered by another poster, walk away. Drama between board members will not be tolerated on this board. This is a place for recovery."
If you have any issues regarding anyone’s posts – DO NOT RESPOND. Please email WindSong at windsongsharmony@gmail.com (and include a link).
POSTING OF INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL:
By posting on this forum you agree that you will not post: foul, rude, crude words, or materials, including websites or videos. By posting, you agree that you will not post: abusive, harassing, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, racist, hateful, threatening, sexually-oriented or any other material that may violate applicable laws. Such postings will be removed and may result in a permanent membership ban.
OTHER FORUMS AND OFFSITE MATERIALS
As stated above, it is not the policy of this board to formally endorse any offsite materials or methods, and any opinions you read here about such materials are the opinions of that member and not the board as a whole. As a related matter, it is our forum policy to disallow posts regarding Psychopath/Narcissism-related forums like our own. We do not allow our members to post reviews or comparisons of boards similar to our own, and by the same token, eliciting opinions and discussions about any other Psychopath/Narcissism-related forum on our board is not allowed. Instead, we encourage our members to explore other forums and form their own opinions based on personal experience.
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
For your own online safety and security please do not post any personal or private information regarding yourself, your abuser, other people or their families (which can also be classed as Slander/Libel), including, real names, phone numbers, home and email addresses.
Information that is publicly available may be posted under most circumstances. Please note that just because a person is in the news does not make it acceptable to post personal information about that person. The managers will have the final ruling as to what we feel is inappropriate, inaccurate, unfair, untrue or inappropriate about a particular person or entity.
When quoting a user or post, use the exact quote feature, it must be quoted as originally posted without any editing.
_____________________________________________________________
This is a privately funded message board and the managers reserve the right to change or remove any inappropriate posting or signature at any time when deemed detrimental to our board rules. Members warned to either delete or modify any avatar or signature line that is in violation of our rules, must comply. If you see a board violation, please report it to the managers. Any violation of our rules could result in a permanent membership ban.
All issues pertaining to the board rules will be discussed and handled by the management team. You may e-mail a manager if you question any rules rather than posting protests in threads.
These rules are subject to change if the management team realize issues affecting our goals and mission purpose are being compromised. We reserve the right to run the board as we see fit to the betterment of the board.
Thank you.
Psychopath and Narcissist abuse survivors forum, is a privately run website and is not affiliated with any other board.
Board owner for any queries - Contact: windsongsharmony@gmail.com
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