Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

petunia16 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 104

I was reading another post about mommybunny's visit with her NM and how mom wants to go to the convention with her.

SO like my NM, too. She somehow invites herself to parties I'm attending. All my friends are at least 10-20 years younger than her and it's just strange. So, I'm always tiptoeing around the mention of parties when she's around because she'll find a way to get invited! Then, if she finds out she wasn't invited, she sulks and is a brat for weeks! Even if my husband and I go away for the weekend or go to an amusement park... she's ticked she wasn't invited.

Also, as far as growing up and my interaction with adults... my mother always made me feel stupid. Not only did she control where I worked and what I wore, she would tell me what to say and if I tried to think on my own she would make sure I knew how it embarrassed her. I learned to be quiet all of the time.

I just now realized this by reading mommybunny's post. No wonder I have such a hard time making decisions, I regret everything I say and feel like I belong with younger people who talk about "fluff" because I don't have anything interesting to say.

Not to mention, my NM monopolizes every conversation... always. My husband has learned to keep quiet and never voices any opinions. She changes the subject, cuts you off and gets frustrated if she doesn't like what you are talking about. Then I get nervous... say a friend is telling story... I can see NM is getting antsy if the story is getting too "wordy"... so I'll cut that person off, change the subject and put the ball back in Mom's conversation court so she's happy. Again, all that matters in this world is that NM is happy ALL THE TIME.

Sick.

So, as I'm nearing the 2 month mark for my trip out East (2500 miles away from the N's!!! yay!) things are SO stressful and I feel like I'm living in the world of make-believe. She is angry, Ngma is angry... they call and hang up on me and now one by one... relatives and friends are telling me alllll about NM and Ngma's woes... including the old favorite... "You'll regret not speaking to your gma because she is going to DIE soon!!!!" Ummmm.... they've been threatening this for more than 12 years so... bah.

I want a new family Wink

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 57

Dear Pentunia,

My whole family lives in a kind of fantasy world, where the only feelings that matter are my mother's. Its been like that all my life, so although cognitively I reject the idea, I have somewhat internalized her importance above my own, on a deeply emotional level. I can relate to the feelings you described- guilt, perhaps even shame- when I place importance on my own needs, above her needs.

I am 38 years old now, and things have been stable for me these past 5 years. So I have been able to examine some of my fears that hold me back from asserting myself around my mother (and others). Theres obviously a lot of conditioning involved, but i have tried to put that behind me and examine my `real' fears. They pretty much boil down to fear of being abandoned by my mother, being rejected by my family, and being cut off from their security. That is what my mother holds over over me, and why I so easily forfeit my needs and make hers the center of the universe. That, and a lifetime of condtioning.

This is a sick and horribly exploitative relationship to have with one's family. So last year I started to rock the boat. I started, for example, to call my mother much less when she tried to manipulate me using guilt and covert threats. And if she was pleasant and warm, I would contact her more often.

So after a year of this, the message has somehow got through to her that guilt-tripping works against her, and reasonable behaviour works in her favour. I have even rewarded her with agreeing to take a vacation with her mid-year. I know it sounds basic and Pavlovian, but it oddly works.

I think what really held me back for many years, was thinking of my mother as pathologically incapable of changing her behavior. But I was wrong about her. She can and will change her behavior to a degree. I wasn't able to discover that until I overcame my substantial fear of beign abandoned by her. I really had to look that fear in the face, and see my own power over my life.

We only have one precious life, my friend. We need not be shackled by a disordered parent, who needs to sort themselves out. We can care, and offer respect and support. But we are not objects for their use.

hugs to you
Serenity.

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 718

Hi Petunia..
I can relate to my NM making me feel stupid also.. My NM has no patience at all!!!... If she asked me to do something and it wasn't done in 2 seconds flat her favorite line was..."what is wrong with you?" " Are you stupid or something?".... Geez... I guess she wanted me to reply ... Yes... Rolling Eyes

maybe that would have made her feel better.???.. Rolling Eyes

As an adult,luckily, my NM was to self-absorbed to want to spend time with me! (unless she thought I would be picking up her tab)..So I didn't have to deal with her much.. plus I live in another state.. Very Happy

When I needed her when I was a kid and teenager she was off in her own world... reacking havick somewhere...I often had a hard time tracking her butt down cause she could disapear for a few days or a week at a time when my sister was younger... She also used to leave me at a baby- sitters house for a week after telling the baby sitter she would pick me up in a day or two.. Rolling Eyes

.She would also miss many of my school functions or come at the last minute right before the dang thing ended so she had me stressing out till the last minute before she showed up..
She didn't come to my college graduation either....So.. I suppose I have the extreame reverse problem.. an extreame lack of involvement unless she is getting treated to a vacation or something... Which I have put an END TO!!! Wink

Peunia...I think your line..." This is a sick and horribly exploitative relationship to have with one's family.." Sums up nicely what it is like to have a relationship with N'S..

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 718

Sorry... I guess I went a little too happy with the emoticons...smileys..

FairCompany · Joined: 28 Mar 2008 Posts: 7

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 718

Faricompany...
My NM also slanders my in-laws.. It's so obnoxious! She can't stand the fact that they treat me well so she has to screw it up by doing something really annoying.. Like refussing to attend if they have a dinner party or Brainwashing my sister that I love my husbands family more than I love her or my sister....She always puts me on the defensive about them..
Now I have to listen to my sister repeating the crap that NM brainwashed her into believing. My NM could never just be happy for me and glad I do have careing in-laws.. I always went way out of my way to show my NM that I love/loved her but she just accused me of loving everyone else more...In my opinion NM just wanted to be rebellious and cause devision and plant seeds in my sisters head to turn her against me....
No family trip, vacation or Holiday could ever please NM...I could give her the MOON and she will ask for the Stars, Sun and Every planet out there and if I give her that too it's still not good enough... I didn't had it to her on a Gold patter... or whatever... Just craziness... that's all it is!

petunia16 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 104

I've only had in-laws for 4 months now and I have to say... NM hates every bit of it. They are so generous... a bit simple... but genuinely sweet and just want to help. NM takes this as a HUGE threat and has been telling everyone I like them more than I like her. That they have bought me and are trying to convert me to their religion. So... the new topic of conversation is how much I have picked them over her... not that I'm moving in 3 weeks. So, I do find myself curbing any praise I have for them or mentioning all they are doing for us... and the crazy part is, they LOVE her. They think she is great and just want to include her and have a family unit. She doesn't get that... she's so cold to them and it makes me CRAZY. She wouldn't know a warm welcome if it bit her in the you-know-where. ugh. But really, I feel blessed to be apart of this new family.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

"Also, as far as growing up and my interaction with adults... my mother always made me feel stupid. Not only did she control where I worked and what I wore, she would tell me what to say and if I tried to think on my own she would make sure I knew how it embarrassed her. I learned to be quiet all of the time."

Can relate. It is good when you realise it is just something you learn. I've always been made out to be the problem, somehow everything that is wrong with the harmony of the family is my fault. I'm sure many can relate to this, because the N and the co-dependent(s) lack the capacity to look in the mirror and see their flaws. So when you reject the fantasy for reality, you are depicted as the crazy, because from the crazy's point of view they are the sane ones.

"No wonder I have such a hard time making decisions, I regret everything I say and feel like I belong with younger people who talk about "fluff" because I don't have anything interesting to say."

I have the same issue here. I've basically re-learned to be as open and honest as I can be with whoever it is. I've found that I'm not much good at idle-talk (never was) so I don't partake in it. No need to box yourself in, everyone does it but the better I got at being honest and caring less about "fitting in" or "pleasing" the better I feel. It is difficult because you learn to "please" and get into the horrific situation of "Seymour Skinner act-alike" (the teacher off "The Simpsons" who can't break free of his mother's grasp and sacrifices the needs of Edna Krabapple to attend to his crazy mother's demands.) This situation aint a pretty one - when you are playing "roles" to fulfill the selfish needs of the leeches of this world.

"We only have one precious life, my friend. We need not be shackled by a disordered parent, who needs to sort themselves out. We can care, and offer respect and support. But we are not objects for their use. "

I agree. Learn from Seymour Skinner's mistake, you can't afford to sabotage all your relationships for one (or a few) crazed individual(s).

I've found that the more space I can create between myself and the stupider people in my life the better I am (even if it means being alone). Even if NC is impossible you can limit contact as much as possible. Use email instead of phone, keep meetings as short as possible. Don't initiate contact. Phase it out, disengage, fly away!