Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

wow. I'm out for six weeks now. Haven't cut or thought about suicide since I left him. have gained the lost weight back, thanks to Ben and Jerry. That peach cobbler ice cream will get you. Started a new job under my maiden name. Cut my hair, and bought waaaayyy too many new clothes now that I'm allowed to shop whenever I darn well please. And keep my horse. and let my dog sleep on the bed.

don't get me wrong, all this is great. But it still hurts SO badly. I think I've started to heal, my therapist tells me I'm making terrific strides, but I feel like dung. I feel so unbelievably stupid for marrying a N that NOW everyone says "I had a bad feeling about him." Great. Thanks. thanks for making me feel MORE like an idiot, and thanks for NOT saying anything before I married the jerk that almost killed me. Good to know the general consensus among family and friends was "something is up here, but I'll just stand idly by and wear the ugly matching dresses and carry her veil and smile blithely while she consigns her life to misery" -- great. Does no one get that this is kicking you when you're down? To tell you that your judgement sucks at a time when you think EVERYTHING about you is sub-par? Thanks. I've just barely survived an emotionally destructive relationship that almost killed me. What I really need right now is to also feel like an obtuse doormat. While you're at it, why don't you tell me how happy he looked when you saw him in the grocery store last week with another woman?

I think I finally hit the angry phase. But I'm not really angry at him, I'm mostly angry at ME.

I guess this is just the harvest of his five years of sowing. That it IS all my fault, right? That's the easy thing to do, is just blame myself, because I've been programmed to do that for the last five years. Then I just get angry at myself and disgusted for what I even NOW let him do to me. So i get angry at myself for my proclivity for getting angry at myself, and then I get even angrier at myself. Now that's a tough cycle to break.

Meanwhile, he prances around town, sleeping with everything with two legs, telling alternating stories of my insanity or frigidity. People are so naive - I guess I can't blame them, it took me five years to see through his lies and I lived with him. But it hurts to see friends manipulated and to have everything turned against you. I can't go anywhere in this stupid town without seeing him, or people he's lied to, and so I basically go from work to home every day.

I guess I'm the most angry over the fact that I get to sit at home ( and I mean with my parents, at 31), feeling sorry for myself and eating ice cream, while this jerk gets laid at every corner. I'm trying to do the right thing, before God and my family, and recover and wait a long time before I even think about another relationship, but he gets to just move on. How is it that I get all the hurt, the STDs, the humiliation, the debt, his stupid NAME, the attorney fees, and pain, and he gets off without a scratch? That just kills me. That in order for ME to be healthy, I have to try to live alone and suck it up.

dammit, he already stole five years of my life, my money, my youth, my virginity, my innocence, my health, and my trust. How much more does he get? Now i have to patiently wait, alone, for years in order to heal? And he gets to move on to another, wealthier, fresh victim? I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. I want to be happy. I want to be free of all this. Because it's not FAIR. I didn't do anything to him but love him unconditionally and try harder and harder to please him until he sucked me dry and left me like a shriveled shell of who I used to be. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. This whole survival thing bites. Some days I wish he had just finished the job and put me out of my misery, because the prospect of recovery seems so daunting. Anyone have any success stories? It's so hard to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I mostly feel like kicking the cave walls.

Well Id like to think mine is a sucess story....put up with the abuse for 36 married years.....he often told me he WILL have IT ALL....in the end he just about had it all......conned my elderly father....2 sisters.....2 grown kids....grandkids.......he took it all( he went to my dads funeral....I didnt) I have one daughter who helped me thru it all.....and I appreciate all that she did.......But life does go on.......its been 7 yrs and I have a whole new life to think about....I'm very happy and very content.....definantly a sucess......

your story sounds much like mine, although I was married for 14 years. I'm now 38, and have three children. We have been apart for almost 9 months and daily I wish one of us might die. The addiction to the dysfunction is so painful. Sometimes it is so clear to me who he is and what he did to not only me, but to our children I can hate him. Other days I am so desperate to live back in my little world where I could just believe his lies and turn my back on the truth. After being a stay at home mom I just didn't realize it wasn't normal for a man to turn his cell phone off, not come home for dinner, and show up at any hour with alcohol on his breath and tell me it was about work. Any time I questioned him he threw fits and told me what a crazy ball busting bitch I was. I was smart enough to go to school and get a nursing degree, and it took less than a year of being out of my little cocoon to hear all the stories of his cheating, drinking, for many years. All those years he told me I was crazy. We live in a somewhat small town and he really thought he could just get away with it. Just found out he had screwed the neighbor. So yeah...A lot of wasted years, what happened to me raising children, trying to be a wife and mother. He made me ignore my womans intuition a long time ago. So now at almost 40, I am doing things I have never done before...Pay bills, mow a lawn, take care of my car. All of this he did, probably to justify what he was doing.
The biggest issue and problem is that there are days when I would rather have that life back. It is what I know. It is a struggle to step outside of myself and say no. He's not a psycho stalker. He is just trying to weasel his way back into my life, and I may be stupid enough to let him.

Hi Jody

Am not surprised you feel angry, its not until we distance ourselves from the relationship, does it all start to make sense and you can start to see if for what it was, its an awful feeling of betrayal, etc.......

I remember, a counsellor turning round to me, about a P I was with, and she told me how dangerous he was, I went bollistic, and said why didnt you tell me, how could you put my children in danger like that, she said to me, you wouldnt have listened to me, and you may have tried to protect him, that was the Kick I needed to stop asking why him this, why him that, and then start asking MYSELF, why did I put up with this, this is where I found my answers.

Its not anyones responsiblity to make us see what they are, its ours, I know that sounds tough, but, the sooner you start focusing on you rather than him, the sooner, you will start to feel much better.

He is what he is, and imho, how can they be happy doing what they do....anyway, this isnt about him anymore this is about YOU.

Take good care of YOU.............xxx

If any of you ever question if what you do here matters, let me just say thanks. It does. It really really does. I feel sane when I read these posts. Like I'm not the only one - it's amazing how similar the stories are.

You're right. It is about me. And I need to start living, not just to spite him, but for my own good. Most days, I am trying to dress to impress, look as good as possible in the off chance I should run into him, terrified to run into him, proud to have a great new job that had nothing to do with him. I want to make him feel as badly as I do. But the truth is I need to walk out the door every day for my sake, and not his.

I know he'll start to weasel his way back too. Eventually. Right now, he's having too much fun. I know EXACTLY how you feel about wanting to go back though. Almost every day I wish I was waking up in my old bed, starting another day with him instead. It seems crazy to even say - almost every day with him was a total crapshoot - it could have fallen anywhere on the spectrum from charmer to tyrant, and change at the drop of the hat. Hiding under the bed from him was not my idea of a good time. But it was all I knew, and somehow I started to believe it was all I was good for. And that I didn't even deserve him.

Somewhere in proverbs, a wise man wrote that we humans often are like dogs, returning to their own vomit. A little graphic, I know, but I keep thinking that. I obsessively check my email to see if he's written. I've tried to crack into his facebook account. For weeks I tracked his credit card activity online, before he got smart enough to change his password. but the real problem is me, and I guess I need to get started on fixing me. I'm afraid if I don't, when he does get tired of playing and comes back, I won't be strong enough to say no.

thanks for sharing your stories. You all make me feel like a lightweight. =) Oh, the good news? My STD panel and bloodwork came back with no new surprises. I have to get tested every three months for six months more, but so far so good. I go in for the HIV results probably tomorrow or Wednesday, as soon as I'm brave enough to walk into the office and ask. In this state, they have to tell you in person, good news or bad.

I guess I should just go to bed, it's late, and try to face tomorrow for the sake of tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like you are fighting for your life, and you're not even sure WHY it's worth the bother. Thank you all for a few reminders to hang on to.

Oh, and by the way. Something struck me about that post - you being a stay at home mom and feeling maybe that you were a little naive. I guess I could see your perspective, but I think you must be stronger than you think.

The truth is, I think it wasn't your exposure to the world that allowed you to see what was really going on, it was your own strength.

I spent every day of my life for the last five years at work for a large, successful company. I spent several days a week on the road, with high-functioning, normal people. Wonderful men and women with healthy relationships and brilliant personalities. But I STILL didn't see that the drunken stupor and unexplained absences and him not working AT ALL and demanding sex daily and using me was wrong - - because I didn't WANT to see what I had married and he had become. I even explained away a second STD he gave me after cheating on me a year into our marriage. My dad is a biochemist. I know how I got it. But I had myself talked into toilet seat transmission. I'm not stupid, but I didn't want to face a huge mistake, and he did a fine job convincing me I was crazy.

Give yourself some credit, your story is really inspiring. I didn't want to see it and I had EVERY reason to. You saw it when you were strong enough, and healthy enough. That means you are made of tougher stuff than I, I think being a stay at home mom is a much harder job than what I do. Good for you for getting out, I don't think I could have with kids. If you've made it this long, you can keep going. my heart tells me the worst is behind you. And soon enough the good days and clear thinking will outnumber the bad.

lord, not that I'm a veteran or know ANYTHING, I'm still swimming in my own pain. But moms have a tough job, and for you to be where you are must mean you are pretty tough yourself. I'd like to be at nine months, so thanks for giving me something to aim for.

Surviving does suck, and it's sad our justice system is set up for bad guys to walk away free. My ex-n used my bank/ATM card and since it's not a regular credit card, I can't dispute the charges and would need solid proof he used the card to file any complaints.


So, while I suffer trying to settle all the mess, heal, move on..he enjoys his life with his new gf, till one day he starts doing the same things to her.

Hang in there, you are not alone!

Hi Guys!

I totally and whole heartedly agree with you that IN THE BEGINNING surviving does really stink. You were once on the precipice of understanding and dealing with it and now he's gone and you are paying the bill (some quite literally) of reality. You can walk over it, you can't side step it because what has happened is real and so standing there and yelling to you what you went through and why did you let yourself get roped in so badly and all the negative feelings, and the hurt and the tiredness of it all comes crashing down upon your head. And don't think he's been better or gotten better with new gf, because he hasn't. He's just playing the acting role of a real person to try to make himself happy. Unfortunately with most of these guys causing you pain is what they enjoy. Now he's just moved from you to her.

But........

I and so many of us here who have walked your road and now stand in a totally different place, who have been N P free for a while, we've walked your road, we paid our tolls and passed the most horrible times of our lives we can tell you that though you do not see it right now.... there is a light at the end of the tunnel! And you have beauty to come to you in a while that you will never even dreamed existed anymore or never knew to begin with is at your feet. The flowers will smell better and there will be a spring in your step! Sounds so cliche' but it is true! When you've been out awhile, the N fog we call it will lift and you will stop struggling just to survive and find that you want to do things and that you are alive. I am a success story too, with 2 boys I brought to the NP marriage and he abused them as well, I lived just to survive for the first two to three years. But that is the point where you are up at the top of the mountain and it's time to come down the otherside. and you know that coming down is nowhere near as bad as it was to climb the damn thing. Keep climbing. You have been in a relationship with a personality disordered person and many don't make it out with a tag of their own to deal with- PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He gave it to me. Nightmares like you wouldn't believe. Too scared to get out of the bed. Sleeping with the lights on and looking over my shoulder every second that I am out of the house, away from my safety, my locked doors.

Keep climbing my friends. You will get there and when you do, you will absolutely just adore being on the other side!

Much love in friendship,
Windy

Thanks to everyone who have posted. I'm new to this site. I'm 7 months pregnant. I filed for divorce on Monday. Thanksgiving Day I literally thought I needed to be committed to an insanity ward. He made me question everything because of his text messages. I have 3 boys from a previous marriage and now I can see that he emotionally abused them. He's been blaming me for everything. When I was crying back in September because we thought our unborn daughter might have Down's Syndrome he slipped off his ring that night after I left the function we attended and met someone. I have been blaming myself horribly!! Now I'm starting to put all the pieces together to see he's sick and was long before I came into the picture. Even his own family has said he has a pattern. He'll be great with a girl at first but it will in time wear off. However, I'm struggling like many of you with how to do get him out of my head. There are days where I actually miss the dynsfunction. I guess I didn't realize just how abused I've been. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am and how crazy he is. So why can't I SEE IT? I mean my ex husband left me 7 years ago when I was pregnant for another women. It's happening again. It's almost as if the N planned it this way. I remember recently he asked me how I could still love him when he's treating me this same way my ex did. Right after we got together I found out I had an STD. Of course a couple of months later he disappeared and said he had the STD symptoms and blamed it all on me. I know he's the one that gave it to me. I feel sooo stupid for falling for it all. Everyone of course now says they saw the red flags, didn't think our marriage would work, etc. Okay, well now I'm pregnant with a sociopath's daughter. How do I protect her? I know that in the last two months he's had at least 2 other women. I'm so thankful I didn't sleep with him 2 weeks ago when he wanted me to. I just feel so stupid yet in some ways miss the insanity because at least it was familiar. I am so angry that he's moving on, hasn't paid me a dime to help since he's left, tells these women personal things about me and how he can't talk to me, is sleeping with them and calling them "hunny" when that's what he called me, and I'm sitting at home pregnant with his child trying not to cry over someone I loved but now don't even know if I knew. I keep wondering if he's dangerous like everyone says he might be. I don't know how to do all of this. People say I've grown stronger in just a week. I don't forsee he'll try to weasel his way back into my life. I just keep wondering why he has waited a week to come back and get the rest of his crap. I don't want it in my house.

Girl, I know this is supposed to be where the vets post, but since I started the thread I am hoping no one minds me chiming in.

Ok. what is happening in your life has nothing to do with how pretty you are, and YOU are not the problem. plenty of pretty, competent, smart, and capable women walk into this. Sometimes more than once. I swear, reading your post gave me chills. Your husband sounds just like mine. My DARKEST day (the day I started cutting) he walked away from me and left me on the floor - I found out a month later that he met a woman THAT night and started an affair with her (only one of many for him), when I discovered some incriminating emails I called her myself and broke the news he was married. That was the same day I had to call the police to get him out of the house long enough for my mom and best friend and I to pack some basic things and I got out. although I'm not pregnant, I THOUGHT I was right after I left my husband and I know how terrified I was. I think I miscarried that next week - I don't know. I didn't want to know. But girl, GOOD FOR YOU. you did the right thing, you are not crazy, HE is sick.

I'm two months out, and have good days and bad (it was a bad one when I started this thread for sure), but I can PROMISE you it gets better. First thing, do everything in your power to get yourself connected with a good therapist or psychiatrist. For me, psychiatrist was better for my insurance, i paid less than for a MFCC. Three months ago, I was cutting and suicidal. I sat in the psych hospital parking lot two nights in a row, too scared to commit myself. I was terrified. I am a woman with a career, I travel and make presentations for a living, I manage a team, and I had a complete and total breakdown. I was thinking I was actually losing my mind. Now, 3 months later I'm off almost ALL my meds, have not cut since I left, have been better every day. New job, finding myself again - slowly but surely I am getting EVERYTHING back and more. The problem was not me. The problem was what he was doing to me. Even my doctor, first session told me "you are perfectly normal. But I suspect you are in an abusive relationship, and we're going to work on making you stronger so you can either confront it and make him get help, or get out." If I can get out, get my mind back, and start getting some hope, you will too. I promise. Yes, my surviving has really stunk, in many ways, and on many days. But all the pain, money, and effort was WORTH IT. I'm getting better, and coming back, and you will too.

yeah. You'll miss him, and even the chaos and abuse. I do, less and less, but I do. Especially when you are pregnant your hormones will almost demand the safety of a relationship. But YOU are not losing your mind, you must be made of steel if you are out and seven months pregnant. Must be your mommy instincts, and they are right on. You protect this baby inside you, and your boys, and FOLLOW that instinct. Get yourself some support, surround yourself with ONLY the people who believe you and want you better, and take care of your kids by taking care of YOU.

Be PROUD of yourself. Make yourself an itunes playlist of powerful songs that inspire you to be better - to leave him and move on, and play it whenever you are feeling like you're slipping. This forum has consistently been my saving grace when things are nuts (generally late at night) - I never ask for help in life, but I have found it here. That, coupled with a therapist who cares and is helping me to ensure i don't do this again, and the loving support of family, and most importantly my faith, and I'm moving on.

Bravo momma, you are beautiful, you are loved by God, and you deserve to be loved. You will raise a daughter EVEN STRONGER for knowing the strength of her mother. And you are strong.