Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

kikisand · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

OK, everyone - I am going to see the parents I have not seen since intitating NC after a final blowup and me saying "enough" last summer. My father is having open heart surgery, and I have decided to go. Believe me, it was one of, if not THE, hardest decision I have ever had to make. I don't want to go, and am not going for them or anyone else - but I am going for myself - because I could not live with myself if something happened and I had never spoken to or seen my Dad again.

I don't know what the emotion or situation will be. I know Nmom will put on a HUGE show for everyone - "oooooh, my daughter is HERE - isn't that just SOOOO SPECIAL!" Ick, ick, ick. I think I can ignore her crapola.

I am worried about my Dad and his reaction. I haven't heard from him since I told him dear H and I would come. I am thinking of emailing him and asking him if it is too stressful to have us both there - he has not apologized (in fact, refuses to) for all the horrible things he said to dear H last summer about H and myself. I think it is killing him. My Nmom says he cries all the time at things that remind him of me, and that he cried when she told him I was coming. He knows he has gone to the dark side (hers) and is wrong.

The responses I am expecting from him range from rage to sobbing and hugging and saying he is sorry. I don't feel sorry for him - I can't. I did for years and tried to be there for him - but it backfired because of Nmom and her lies.

I posted elsewhere that my therapist friend said that we all have to grieve our loss before we can move on and really detach ourselves. Well, I was in the process of grieving and then this situation came up -

Please keep me in your thoughts on Monday and Tuesday of next week (believe me, we have completely controlled this situation, where in the past I would have done what Nmom wanted - we are renting a car and staying in a hotel, and will only be there for 24 hours - no explaining why we have to leave, either). I need to be detached, without seeming cold - but why should I really worry about THAT?

Oh, now you all know why this is so hard for me...

Thanks.
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

can you arrange it so you visit dad when mom is not there. I am sure you can call and ask for a special visit since you are coming from out of town. one that is after visiting hours? just to relieve some of the stress? on you and your dad? Cuz I'm sorry I could just envision your mom making it 10 times harder for the both of you than it needs to be? Drama Drama Drama...

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Amy

sheenie2000 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 169 Location: North Carolina

I feel your pain, I went through this a few months ago. I stayed about a week to help with taking care of my mom.

The possibility of death makes ppl cry in general. As they get closer they start having tears. With Ns though it's just another ploy to get pity and not real tears.

Best of luck to you, my thoughts are with you.
_________________
"Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." - Jim Rohn

kikisand · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

I made it through the trip and am not sure how I feel. Nmom was the usual - very strange. Dad - I just don't know. He cried and sobbed when he saw me and hugged me. I'm just not sure what to think. Why would he say all those horrible things? He must be caught between Nmom's dark side, and showing his daughter the love he really wants to show her? I am trying really hard not to fall into the "old way" and keep myself detached. I just hate that Nmom is calling with updates on Dad - she is TOTALLY using the situation. Ick.
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Who can know for sure what another person is feeling... I stopped trying to guess the reasons. All you can do is control what you need, Kiki. Your parents had a precious long time with you. If the best they could do was to leave you feeling messed up and confused, I would question their motives and learn to trust myself.

Riccy

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

Kiki we will thinking about you. Just remember, if your body tells you something isnt right, that they are invading your personal boundaries/space, just take a step backward and keep your feet on the ground, and tell them you have to leave now. You dont need to JADE, as Riccy would say, and which is excellent advice if one is in a panicky situation!
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

eyeswideopen · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 212

What a hard decision...

Remember that you have control over your situation. If you feel overwhelmed at anytime... all you have to do is step away.

You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran

kikisand · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

Have I told you guys lately that you are awesome?!?!
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 486

Ick. What a good word! Laughing