Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

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CTucker67 · Joined: 01 May 2008 Posts: 22 Location: Florida

I am at the beginning of my emotional journey from being D & D. I have a long road ahead because I feel such despair most of the time and don't see light at the end of the tunnell. This forum has been the biggest help to me, but you are right. Part of the thing that is helping me through and not falling apart is the fact that I know the OW will eventually see the true N in him. It kills me to hear everything they do together. All the things I used to ask him to do with me and with his daughter. He is out with her doing these things. This OW of my NH is also very well connected in the community and has tons of $$. I think to myself with all her intelligence, she can't see he is so selfish and can't stand kids??? She has a 7 year old. He couldn't deal with our own daughter because he thought she took up too much of my time from him. I have to say, goodspirits, I am happy you found a "Normal" relationship. At this point I am still in the N fog. I hope someone else in this forum has some good insight to your healing process.

Trinity38100 · Joined: 16 Jun 2008 Posts: 21

You do not know his wife. She could be just as disordered as he is but in a different way. There ARE relationships that work for N's. Which is NOT the same as saying they work under the normal parameters of what someone like you or I would want out of a relationship.

Also, depending on the relationship and the amount of NS, it could take years for her to wake up, you just don't know.

I do have to say I found it interesting that there was one paragraph dedicated to the good man in your life and three dedicated to the N. You also know a lot about the N and his life. This is one of the reasons NC is vital to YOUR well being. Had you not been following his life, you would not be bothered by this.

Ending a relationship with an abusive person is about you and taking care of yourself. These people do not change. Even if he is not an N those things about him that hurt you? Those things will not change and will get worse/intensify as he gets older.

IMO you do not need justification that he will repeat the pattern to know he was abusive to you and getting out was the best and smartest thing you could have done.

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1052

goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

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goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

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knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1052

Honey, I understand the nature of trauma. Trauma is what brought us all here. That, sadly, is what we have in common.

I was with an N for 8 years - I spent the last year in a therapist's office with him - with a therapist who was also thrown for a loop when his covert N behavior was discovered. 3 years worth of cheating and lies and using and emotional abuse so covert, that even a trained professional couldn't put her finger on it until it was revealed.

I understand PTSD.

I don't understand keeping tabs on a man three years later. It's been a year for me and I stay far, far, far away. He's had enough of my energy. I work on healing myself - not wondering if he will or won't do what he did to me again. That's futile and I'll never, ever, ever know the truth. I don't know if he's single or married or a monk. And frankly, it's none of my business.

You will never know what happens in their home.

But we're on different paths, I suppose. Everyone's recovery is different. But there's a reason why the experts tout no contact. It works. A year later and I'm still effected - but I don't ever need to know why or what he's up to or if he's latest girlfriend, wife or conquest will have him under his thumb. Because I'm free... and I count my blessings every day for that (even on the days that are hard).

Much love to you. I hope you find the clarity you are looking for.

goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

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knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1052

You edited your previous post to me, but I was lucky enough to read the first one. Smile

The "honey" comment is a term of endearment to me. I felt compassion for you. I'm sorry you continue to have such a rough time.

And yes, the Foo Fighters are awesome.

Trinity38100 · Joined: 16 Jun 2008 Posts: 21

goodspirits,

I am currently reading Women Who Love Psychopaths. One of the interesting things she states in her book is in order to be very damaged by a psychopath or a disordered person they need only meet one or two of the criteria, not the whole list.

You were damaged by this man, clearly by the way you described him he is disordered.

There is one thing I do know and that is the disordered do not change. They are wired to be resistant to..to not want to..to not be capable of change.

He may be able to keep his disorder hidden from his wife for years. How many women never knew about an OW? How many women say they were married for years before realizing they were with an N or a P? So, really you don't and won't ever know what is really going on behind the closed door of their lives.

You can just live your own which it sounds like you are successful at doing.

I do hope you can put all lose ends behind you. You will never figure the puzzle out that makes a disordered person tick.

nemesis · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 535

I too was puzzled for a long time about how my xNH was able to get along with another woman. He remarried had 3 kids and everything seems to be going well. Honestly, knowing him, I can't imagine how they can get along. He had no friends when I knew him, couldn't get along with his siblings, not one out of 5 of them, hated his mother but she had money so he kow towed involuntarily. He tried to kill our baby...

I kept NC alright, he was afraid of me to the point where he left the country for decades...sniveling, little coward... but I got past it and think of him maybe 2 or 3 times a year at the most. I am not curious how he gets along, I just don't care. We will probably meet again at my daughter's wedding as she is thinking of inviting him. I am pretty sure I won't recognize which one he is and if I do it won't matter one way or another. His wife seems to be able to put up with him. Good for her....better her than me... any day.

goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

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goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

Thanks Trinity. I'll absorb what you said and come back.

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1052

I hear ya, Goodspirit.

We're all different, that's for sure.

I just cannot and will not ever understand attempting to know anything about an ExN. Especially years down the road... It's futile - we'll never know the truth. Ever.

Attempting to know if he is or isn't still married... Assuming what is or isn't working in their marriage. Spending any energy, whatsoever, on what is happening with them now. Especially as it's obviously continued to upset you. The man you were with was a nutjob - that doesn't change. Who cares if he's under her thumb? He's no longer attached to you. Asking such questions DOES create poor feelings and drama - so why go there and investigate the answers when you will never know? You have a lovely man who is ready and willing (apparently) to help you heal. How lucky you are!

You can choose to take offense, make a statement that you are older and wiser (I don't know you - I don't know how old you are). That's your choice. But continuing to look back and re-examine why he's doing what he's doing today, three years later, is a choice. One I think, given your initial post, could be hurting you... I know it would upset me. So why go there if you will never know the answers? I'm not talking about living in denial. I'm talking about not feeding the monster... I guess that's something I react strongly to.

I do wish you clarity and health and continued recovery. As mentioned, we all have our own path. Mine no longer includes giving a rats ass about who my ex is with... whether he's changed... or if he's being controlled or not. Let her have him! I'm onto bigger and better things. And it's my responsibility to make sure I deal with the residual emotions (including sexual issues, trust issues, all of it).

I think we will just have to agree to disagree on revisiting the N's life as a healthy form of recovery. Mostly because it's crazy making. You will never know the answer.

But I sincerely hope you find clarity.

(edited - my response was too long) Smile

goodspirits · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 80

Trinity

You said

i]They are wired to be resistant to..to not want to..to not be capable of change.[/i]

I think exN is incapable of lasting change. Yes. He did want to change though. They don't all obviously. But I am certain he is inacapable, for the simple reason that I was involved in his desperation to change. I am sure it will play out in the future again but possibly in a different form. So you validate my instincts when you say ...

He may be able to keep his disorder hidden from his wife for years.

Then you finished with........

You will never figure the puzzle out that makes a disordered person tick.

Actually I feel I have worked out what makes this particular disordered person tick and I have found peace again from working this through with you guys.

Thanks for your response Trinity