Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

femfree · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 654

No Contact

Artwork: http://www.alanayers.com/

"Self discipline is Self Esteem."
Unknown

What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?
William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

"No Contact is a verb, not a noun. That means you stop them in any way you must to prevent them from being able to have any contact with you. Amazingly empowering for us."

"I hope you don't think this No Contact thing is just to teach him a darn good lesson. If you do, you've missed the whole point altogether."

"It's sure easy to tell the ones who are still stuck in the 'danse' with their abusers from the ones who are genuinely healing, detaching and moving on."

"Any contact you make can and will be used against you. Conduct yourself accordingly."

"Write down every rotten, embarassing, infuritating thing he ever did and refer to it whenever you start to miss him. Keep a copy in your purse, one by the phone, one by the computer, one at work, or anywhere there's a means for you to contact him again. Keep adding to this list as things occur to you (and they will). It will keep you focussing on reality."
"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."

"He was so cruel to me. I just called him to tell him...."
The opinions of society are brutal when a target states she's been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behaviour is viewed as utterly stupid, dangerous, ridiculous and silly to the outside world. It's glaring bad judgement. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering 'she's as crazy as he is,' They'll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It's a huge factor in how they win."

He will look for your weak spots and keep going after them. If he can get you to talk he can reopen the door. If he can get you to answer the door, he can reopen the relationship. If you respond to a gift, he sees that as hopeful. If you answer his letters, he thinks he has a chance. Pathologicals read more into your reactions than normal men. "No Contact" is the only thing that begins to penetrate his resolve.
How to Break Up with a Dangerous Man,
Planning a Co-ordinated Exit to Reduce the Probability of Harm by Sandra L. Brown M.A.
http://www.saferelationships.com/

"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."

"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."

"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him."

"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"

"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."

"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."

"Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me begin the no contact...and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."

"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."

"There's something really ugly that can't go unsaid. You tell us he's been really horrible to you. Now, a couple of days later you say you're back talking to him. You'll find that people will discredit what you say if your actions and your words don't fit. Society's opinion is really harsh that way."

"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."

"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."

"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."

"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."

"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."

"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."

"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."

"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."

"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.

"Give it time. Use the power of silence."

"We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according to directions is, 100% guaranteed."

"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."

"I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact thrust me into that. That's when I really started to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every do for yourself."

"Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."

"Your healing "clock" starts when you remove your self from her completely. It is called NC."

"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."

"Were the Amish with their shunning on to something? I think so. It changes the whole dynamics of the relationship - the N is now on the asking end."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

"The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From a distance, it's all crystal clear."

"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".

"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."

"My no contact was my sabbatical, my retreat. I got to write out in my journal all the issues. I was able to ferret out the source, the root of all the problems. There's something very therapeutic about writing them out. Committing them to paper seems to capture the essence of it all."

"NC is not for the faint of heart...you must be stronger than you ever thought possible.
NC is for you not for the N...but eventually they get the message loud and clear.
NC slowly gives you back your self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem.
NC is much less painful than keeping in contact with a verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive N.
NC puts you in control. In time, the addiction to the N will lessen and you will find that they no longer control your thoughts, actions, or deeds.
NC allows us to take responsibility for our actions. We now know about NPD, it is not curable, and they cannot and will not change.
NC is our way of saying we know who and what they are and facing the facts that Ns are incapable of love, empathy, and joy and if given the chance they will hurt us again and again and again.
NC is survival of the fittest and putting your love of self above the destructive nature of the N.
NC breaks their cycle of abuse and allows us the time to grieve, to heal, and move on to a happier life, healthy relationships, and above all peace of mind.

"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."
"Make a No Contact contract and write like mad in a journal. It really does get clearer and easier with time."

They are tricky. Here's one example. A mother co-parenting with an abuser called her x about a custody situation. He told her he was busy, call me again. She tried several times to call him and he filed harassment charges against her. She was set up. He did this deliberately. She failed to anticipate this response from him. The court ordered joint counselling, which of course was just wonderful NS to him.

"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Imagine your N's chortling glee watching you squirm in court."

Hang up the minute you hear his voice
Coping with Your Abuser – Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

Resources from Dr. Vaknin
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4976

Don't Feed the Vampires
http://howtospotadangerousman.com/public_html/index.php?topic=113.0

No Contact
http://www.lovefraud.com/12_leavingAsociopath/sociopath_no_contact.html

No Contact - Tips to Help You
http://groups.msn.com/Npartners/nocontacttipstohelpyouadheretoit.msnw

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