Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

NF chose email as his second attempt to contact me, he NEVER talks to me, like PL I used to call my NM everyday for the last 5 years, gradually, things tapered off as I became more aware of the dysfunction, she became more N and my depression wasn't getting any better, then I met you all

where I went against the therapist rec to have a formal relationship with the NPs and took your advice NC, I'm stronger for it, less confused, finally recovering from this mess. Well, it's interesting on the day after mother's day, NF emails me at 8AM saying "Please call me" for the RE and told me he had tried to call me several times (not true) and he needed to talk about some things with me. I am tempted out of curiousity just what is going on. Sister said it would be a guilt trip about mothers day, no card, NC from either daughter. Last year, sister's card ended-up in the shredder, while NF told sister while laughing about it, sick stuff. Please tell me to be strong. I try to think of my health problems, having the strength to get through each day raising these 3 kids, I just can't afford to waste the time/energy on them. Am I right?

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

You, my friend, are 100 percent right. I am sure my mom is furious with me for not calling. She use to call here three times a day until we got into a confrontation.....

Stay strong, you can do it. I noticed since I have gone nc, each day, I am feeling a little better. Hang in there for you and the kids...

Sending strength youre way... Wink

Cricket · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

If it were an emergency, your sister would know about it and would tell you, so don't let your curiosity get the better of you. My Nmom always leaves very cryptic messages ("Cricket, you must call me as soon as you get this message, it's very Im-Por-Tant") and when I used to call her back the extremely Im-Por-Tant message would invariably be completely trivial. She still does it to my brother and my father (and it's only a matter of time before she calls again.)

Do not call back. You've made such progress and you owe it to your children to be healthy. Do not go back to living in their cold shadow--stay in the sun, where you will grow.

It's gardening season--pardon my metaphors (I've got a bit of a green thumb).

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi WLW,

I agree with the others -- stay strong and don't call him. I'm sure your NM is angry about mother's day (just like mine is, too). So your NF is having to be around it, to listen to it, and he's probably sick of it.

So he's calling you, hoping that you'll contact her, so she'll stop unloading on him.

Not your problem.

If you get de-railed by NPs and their BS, you won't be able to be there for yourself or your children. Don't take the bait. I know it's hard. You will be strong.

((((((WLW))))))

Serenity

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Just what I needed to hear, my sister and I are staying strong together, we have promised no NC and we are better for it. Yes, if it's an emergency, they would keep calling, leave a message, none of this cryptic crap or demands to call him, that worked when I was 15, not now, buddy, don't live under their roof anymore. Yep, he is feeling the heat, retired, home all of the time, tired of the whining and b/c he is the MAN, he thought he could get to the "bottom" of all of this. It's true, this is the best defense we have against the N, it inflicts them, we stay silent. Hugs and only good thoughts for the week ahead. I'm staying strong, thanks to you all.....good night!

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

I do not know why I remembered something happened years ago when we were kids.
My cousins and their grandma were left home alone. There was a strange man at the door knocking on the door so hard and saying "open the door!" We were so scared and we did not know where to hide, but we were trying to hide to pretend there is no one at home. Then grandma stood up and said "KIDS! what are you afraid of?!! I am at HOME and I am not opening the door, you do not need to hide." You know, I always remember this and I repeat what she said sometimes. "I am home, and I am not opening the door."
So, stay strong, AND DO NOT open the door. These are your boundaries and you draw the line. NO one can break your boundaries. It is what you say it is. Sad for them, but rules have change and if they are going to make a emergency out of it, then I hope they survive.
You are doing great wlw and you have your sister on the same page.
We are ALL here for you. You take care of yourself and the kids one day at a time.
Hugs, PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

wlw--your decision of no contact is the best one you could have made. I have no contact with my biological father since 1967. N & P--viscious, EVIL man. He is still alive at 80 and I am sure very miserable. His 7th wife just died I heard from a cousin. It is very difficult when it is a "parent" and some people would say, "How could you be so cruel, it is your mother after all?"

I realized that "family" are the people you love, the people who love you, and the people who treat you with love, concern, kindness and compassion. "Blood" may be our genetics, but it is NOT Family.

My step-father who raised me is my "daddy"--he is my family. My adopted son is my family. My biological sons are NOT family.

Settiing boundaries with anyone is difficult, and especially blood relatives, but you are not under any obligation by virtue of your genetics to have contact with anyone that you don't like, or that is toxic to you.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE. If you are bitter against someone, or hate them, they still "own" your mind, but when you get to the point that you are indifferent to them, you have really, completely "healed" from the poison they injected into your soul.

I have finally reached that point in my maturation with my bio-father, or as I call him, my sperm-donor. I reached that point with one of my sons who is a N/P. I miss the cute little kid that I gave birth to, but the EVIL person that lives in his body now is nothing to me.

Years ago after living with my bio-father and being given a lesson in dealing with N/Ps and after I left there, reeling like a drunken sailor from the insanity of it all, questioning my sanity and perception of "reality" as he explained it, I tried to talk to others about this, and literally couldn't find anyone to talk to that would understand, that could understand--at that point in my life I never thought about a therapist. I finally quit talking about it because if I did people thought I was a liar--no one could be that EVIL like I described him.

Hang in there--don't let your blood relatives put you on a guilt trip about being so "mean" to your N mother. She refused to respect your boundaries, and y ou no longer owe her anything. Keep your kids healthy and stay strong! Love and Peace
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

Glad you're feeling stronger wlw.. if I had posted sooner I'd definately have agreed with everyone. You don't need to get drawn in. They definately try to find ways to draw your curiosity. When I started NC with my NM.. she said "theres been a lot going on the last 5 years I haven't told you about because I don't like to tell my kids those kind've things". And I mean, how easy to be curious and want to listen, right? But its N bull, N drama, N guilt-trip, N excuses. I still don't know what she "wanted to tell us" and I don't care! Don't worry - you sound very strong. Can definately understand your moment of confusion. Keep leaning on your support like you're doing Smile

. You can do it!
_________________
"Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago."

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Oxdrover, I read in another post that you are a retired NP, I am taking time to stay home with my kids, 3, I was a PNP, don't know if I will return to nursing or maybe do something different rather than traditional when I re-enter the work-world, this job is pretty hard most days, draining, but rewarding. Thank you for sharing your story, this place has been a wonderful support.
Now for the drama, NF called sister on her cell, left message, once and didn't the second attempt, she instantly started having IBS symptoms. She is so curious, worried, so ready to call him, she said even the phone call coming in upsets her, I told her imagine how you will feel if you ACTUALLY talked to him, she agreed. I told her to stay strong, do not call him or answer the phone. She is worried something big is going on, I reassured her, they would leave messages, keep calling, it's all N drama, drama I don't need and can't fix. We have our weekend to the beach planned and I told her not to let the NPs ruin it for us. Still, working on my medical situtation, the specialist are puzzled by it, but I've got excellent drs. and know it will get better. Peace to you all....

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

update on the NF situation, NF phone sister 3-4 times and left an angry message demanding her to call him, this is unusual for him to put himself out there to get "rejected" so we thought this could be serious, so sister emailed him-- is everything o.k? she told him her phone had something wrong with it Confused

So, he emailed back and told her I wasn't returning his phone calls and that we should have a 911 system if it were something important. Relieved, we realized it was just the N attention, drama to get us hooked back in. We are staying strong, it's hard, but we can't let them get to us, at least until we get a little stronger.

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

Yeah - you guys handled that really well. Must feel great to have that as out of the way as it can be. Great idea for your sister to e-mail him instead of calling. My last correspondances with my NM have been through e-mail - even with phone calls I can so easily get drawn in by her, and so easily stressed right out.

I still find it crazy how much I relate to yours and others situation sometimes. That happened to me a month ago with my NM calling my brother, acting all worried about us because I wasn't answering her or her mother's calls. Such pretense they'll use to get their way sometimes.
_________________
"Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago."

Chrissie712 · Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 45

Hi wlw,
It's very hard, I know!! Maybe there is some neutral person who can give a message, only if there is really something serious going on???...... So you and your sister can keep your space intact? That's not easy I guess.
But you do need the time and space to become yourself and become stronger, as you put it.
I know this so very well, I went thru this just like you and your sister about 20 years ago. I had to resist all my NF's attempts to get in touch with me again. And my resisting would have been crazy if my F would have been some kind of a normal person. That made me doubt my decison as well, because I knew nothing about N in those days. On the other hand, I so much needed my own time and space! And just asking, or trying to explain or negotiate was ab-so-lute-ly useless.
I have lived on a secret, non-official address for a couple of years, hoping he would not find me. But one day, there was his letter in the mailbox. Same old story. He had found me, but not one word about the fact that he had to track down my address. The silent message was: you can run - but you can't hide.

I found out (thru the years) that the message: "NS is really finished" is the most important one to get peace. But don't expect a "thank you"..... Confused

_________________
"We are destroyed, not by the rebels, not by the nazis. We are actually destroyed, very often, by conformity. I think it is better to go down failing, than to conform" - John le Carré

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

Yourself and your three larvae are far more important than your mother. Would you invest your hard-earned money is some crackpot scheme? No way! So don't do it with your time and emotions.