Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I have been here for a week silently reading and educating myself as much as possible going to custody mediation monday with n that I was with for 17 yrs from age 15 and there are 6 daughters the one thing I have going for me is that my childrens n father is not that bright trips himself up when he is asked anything beyond his script's specifics
Is there a subtle way to tip off the mediator to his true nature without looking like I'm trying to focus on his complete inability to parent a rock let alone a child

Well, sounds like you already understand that what he needs is enough rope to hang himself?

Every family court seems to handle things a little differently. I'm not sure what your issues are at this mediation. Get a clear understanding of what the issues are. Prepare yourself -- make an outline of the issues or concerns that you have and bring in facts to support them. One thing that worked in my favor at mediation on the issue of child custody (N didn't want to pay support and he was asking to have our child at least 50% of the time) but he didn't even know when our d's daycare was open, what time school was, etc. I let him do a lot of the talking and I waited until he made all these promises about how he was going to take d to school, pick her up at daycare, etc. I asked him his work schedule and I knew that it was impossible for him to do all he promised, so I then told the mediator what time school was, when daycare was open, etc. So then the mediator knew N was full of it.

Bottom line, an N can't mediate. You likely won't get anywhere in mediation, but the courts want to know that you are willing to work with the other parent. Find out what he wants (I say that like it's so easy but with N parents it is sometimes really hard to know what they want.) Look at the situation and what the N is asking for. In your mind, draw a line of what you will accept. Never tell the N your bottom line -- they will use that information to their advantage. Show the mediator that you are flexible and that your kids are priority one. Good luck.

Thank-you for all the time and care you put in your response my situation is long and complex tried to keep it to the basics and tying to explain to an attorney that what is in the true best interest of the children is not the 50/50 the court pushes for I know I am in for a very long battle with people who cannot comprehend that is no more than a smoke and mirror show they are having presented to them by the n father. Frusterating trying to explain and I really think it is best to do as you suggest give him enough rope to hang himself and pray its sooner than later.

Hi Status woe

If you have a private session with the mediator make sure you tell them a couple example of when your x has shown little empathy for his children and examples of his high entitlement expectations, and putting himself 1st infront of his children's needs. Hopefully this will tip the mediator off.

Try and go into mediation, not with stories about yours and his relationship and what he has done to you. unless what he has done to you has been infront of the kids..ie violence or arguments and talk about what effect this has had on the kids...not you... Remember the mediation is not about you 2 it is about the kids...

Try to give him the opportunity to start first in the joint sessions, do not react and try not to defend yourself against anything he has said about your relationship. When the mediator asks you why you are there, being able to open with something like "I am here because I want to be able to work out for my children a way they will be able to maintain a relationship with their father". This will show the mediator straight away, that your focus is on your children's needs and not on an opportunity to get yet another professional to agree with you what a bad person the other parent has been to you. As I am sure his dialogue will have been.

Talking about future milestone events (weddings, birthday's etc) and how they may work are also a good way for the mediator to gauge a sense of his thickness.....the mediators job really is to get you to reality test. Because he is n's there is no way he would have put any thought into how things will work in the future or his kids....

The mediation is about getting the kids needs met of having a relationship with their parents...good and bad...and how that is going to work best for the kids. Focus focus focus on the kids...try not to deviate from that...let him bring the focus on the relationship and how you are to blame for everything....do not take the bait....keep your focus on the best outcome for the kids....follow this track...the mediation being about the kids...hopefully will also highlight to the mediator your commitment to the development of your children in healthy adults.....

As livedthroughit said do not show your bottom line...if you have to come to an agreement...start at 95/05...and give ever so little each time, the N's will think they are winning at each 5% you conceded...which is what it is to them, all about winning.....

Wear your brave cloak...focus focus focus on the kids and their needs...it is hard...but it is about them...and remember if you feel you are not focusing during the session...ask to take a break...which is a good way for the mediator to reality check with N of some of the stupid proposal he is putting up... if at all he has put any up!!!!

GOOD LUCK

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