Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

confusion · Joined: 25 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

In all those articles and forums about narcissism is mentioned the narcissist parent abusing the child but I think my case is different and that is why I couldn’t find help in them yet
I am a mother of a 26 years old NPD daughter. I married a man with NPD and in his family there are several strong evidences of NPD (his mother and sisters)
My daughter at her teen age have been diagnosed with NPD and I needed therapy as mentally abused by NPD family.
Today my daughter is unhappy and I struggle with confusion and feeling of guilt.
I am confused because all the articles I read are telling about NPD being highly heritable
(so I could blame the genes) but at the same time they talk about severe abuse of young child between the age of 1 to 3. As strong as I try to judge myself and be objective I can not point out the moment in my history as a mother when I abused my child. I always loved her very much I have been always proud of her talents, there were no severe rigid rules, may be in the contrary. I always showed affection hugging loving touching I have no strict educational rules in my head I almost acted out instinctively
When my daughter was 4 years old we immigrated to Israel from an eastern European country and that period was traumatizing for all of us, in the same year my son was born and this might be an extra trauma for my 4 and half years old daughter
I always paid attention not to let her feel neglected because of the new born baby
But of course we had several problems at that period as all of the new emigrants with low income and social problems but it was far from child abuse.
Today I am suffering because my daughters unhappiness, id like to care to protect her as a young baby to do something to correct what it was done wrong but I am not able to see when I did the wrong thing.
Last week she decided that she will cut all her contacts and went into a 2 weeks complete silence in a place which is far of us so I can not see her, I can not check if she is doing well or she has got completely crazy. I would not care letting her play her game for others if I knew she is ok, not hurting herself. This decision came as a reaction of envy (denied of course) because of her brother who succeeded after all to build a nice relationship with a girl and brought home the girl and spent the night in our home
Now I am again confused because I don’t know how to react. By my instinct I would go and find her bagging her to come home and promising that by now on we will all play on her new rules and nobody will be happy if this bothers her. But I am not sure if it does any good for any of us except easing my own feeling of guilt and satisfying my own masochistic needs. On the other hand terrible images are running in my head about her hearting herself being miserable feeling abandoned feeling alone and lost. And I want to help her to ease her pain and assure her of my unlimited and unconditioned love as I always did
So if you can give me a helpful advice and helpful answers for my several confusions please do it as soon as possible
I must mention that all my life I was attracted by NPD people, all men I fell in love with were NPD. And none of them recalls a painful abused childhood, by the contrary
They were the first born or only male child of loving warm families. Families with no rigid rules and punishments at all and they were the “prince” of the family the pride of it , spoiled more than abused.
1. Is there something I don’t understand in that heavy word of child abuse?
2. Is there any chance that a narcissistic person has normal children? Because by default both parents might have not healthy relationship toward each other and the child which I wouldn’t call always abusive. So is any chance that this chain of suffering gets to an end?
3. Are NPD person despaired? What they do if they feel abandoned lost, not loved?
What they do if they loose the stage they need so much?

Please help me as soon as possible
Thanks
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NPD child

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

I know that having an NPD child causes a lot of guilt and despair. I married a man in 1970 , who had a lot of manic depression in his family. But in 1970, the experts said bipolar (manic depression) was caused by how they were raised. So I had two children. About 1980, they found out bipolar is inherited. I now have two children that have mood disorder problems, as adults. One has a lot of anxiety, and the other has difficulty with bipolar. But we didn't know at the time. Would I have not married him if I knew that it was hereditary? I don't know.

Schizophrenia was said to be caused by the "push/pull" of the Mother. Then they found out it was hereditary and that probably either the Mother had schizophrenia herself, OR was reacting to the schizophrenic child. So they decided that schizophrenia was hereditary (completely).

With so many families with generations of N's and P's, there HAS to be some kind of hereditary possibility. Perhaps the combination of hereditary and difficulties at a young age. Perhaps a combination of hereditary and the feelings of entitlement in a favored son. Because the favored son never has to be responsible for their actions.

I would suggest with your daughter is that she has some hereditary parts, and perhaps some parts contributed when you moved and she went through a difficult time. You loved her and cared for her. You couldn't do anything better than that.

If you go to her and beg her to come back, you will be sacrificing you and your entire family, so that she can again control everything. That is not a good idea.

You cannot make the unhappy, happy again. They control their own happiness. They like to blame others for their problems and their unhappiness, but their unhappiness is within them. Tell her that you love her, and always will love her. But you will not change everything for her. I would suggest not giving her money, the car, anything. Just let her know she is loved. But that she cannot control the family. The parents control the family. If she chooses to go away, she will come back when she wants something. Or if she has children, she will try to use them as bribery. She can use her children to try to force you to let her run things. You have to be strong enough to say, "You are not going to control this family. " Even if she threatens to take her children away (when/if she has them). Anything that she thinks is important to you, she will use to control the family.

You cannot sacrifice the family to keep her happy. Because even that will not keep her happy. She will want more and more. So you have to keep big boundaries around you and your family. Let her visit, show her you love her, feed her, talk to her, but do not allow her to control anything. Because she will take everything she can.

She may be smart, but she is emotionally retarded. She does not understand why everybody doesn't do what she wants. So you have to maintain boundaries around you. Don't feel guilty. You did as much as you could to love a damaged daughter. You can still love her, but your expectations will be less. She will never be the loving daughter you envisioned when you held her when she was a baby.

She will be able to take care of herself, she is strong. But try not to expect her to be "normal". Because she doesn't love anyone back.

I raised two bipolar daughters of my own. And had difficulties with that. Then I helped raise two psychopath stepdaughters. It is a very difficult situation. I know it is hard.

wahela
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"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

confusion · Joined: 25 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Your kind understanding words are helpful, i still struggle with the feeling of guilt, sometimes i think, the whole motherhood is like a mine field, no matter where you step with maximum precaution, it will explode aniway
Also the advises of specialists councellors, therapists are always contradictory. No matter what i did they always said i had to do the contrary, by the end everibody want to find the guilty one and it is always the parent, never the nature, never fate
Yes i must accept and love that is the magic word
I never gave up loving, but must give up feeling guilt
thanks again
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NPD child

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

Try not to feel guilty. Maybe seeing someone to help you with those feelings, a religious person, a therapist, etc. We do the best we can, and the child goes on the path they choose, no matter how hard we love them and pray for them.

I believe in fate, and I believe that we choose our path before we are born into this world, so that we can learn the things we want to learn. Things happen in a certain order for a reason. There is a big reason for everything that happens. Sometimes we don't know why, sometimes for years, sometimes never. But there is a reason for each and everything that happens around us.

Know that you did the best you could, you tried your hardest, then let it go. There is no reason to feel guilt when you did the best you could. Put some boundaries up around you, then begin to try to see the beautiful little things around you in your world. it will get better.

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Confusion,

I can hear the pain in your posting. I too raised a son who is a psychopath (a very very violent Narcissist) and he is in prison. It is not because he was abused, I was not a perfect mother, but I was like you, a "good mother"---gave the best I could. Our lives were not perfect either, there were times we were very poor through no fault of mine, but my children had the best that I could give.

One son turned out to be a good man, the other became a monster who had no love for anyone. Even from his prison cell, he still tries to control the family. I no longer have contact with this son, neither does his brother, or my mother, who are the only living blood relatives he has.

It is difficult to "put your foot down" and "stand firm" and say to them, "YOU will NOT control this family by acting like a brat" and stick to it, or to say to them, "You may not behave that way in my house, please leave until you learn how to behave properly" Those are boundaries of behavior that we will not allow them to do.

It doesn't mean we do not love them, but that we will not allow them to treat us poorly. Society has rules and boundaries and consequences.

If you rob someone you go to jail. That is a boundary, and a consequence. So if you say to her, "If you behave like that, then you must leave my home" that is a boundary and a consequence. If she chooses to "threaten"--like "if I leave now you will never see me again!" Then you can say back to her, "That is YOUR choice, but I love you and my door is always open to you when you behave right."

How she behaves is HER choice, how you RESPOND to her behavior is YOUR choice. Good luck to you and may God give you peace in your life.
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.