Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

O.k, I'm SO ANGRY Mad

you guys won't believe this, I'm trying so hard to work on staying out of the drama. MIL called H last night. BIL spoke with MIL, said they got my email (never responded), they can't visit at thanksgiving (SIL) and since we planned on visiting with H's buddies, would we have time for THEM? We have never even gone out to dinner, gone anywhere when visiting my in-laws, ever, this is absurd, they are projecting their problems onto us, it's all our fault. SIL is a real N, couldn't sleep at night over this one, told H, let's make it a surprise visit in July, just to get it over with, can you imagine the drama until nov??? H wants nothing to do with his brother, can you blame him, as much as I dislike my N-MIL, part of me feels sorry for her, don't know why. Tell me to stay strong and stay out of it Confused

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

Okay... stay strong and stay out of it : ) Seriously, you give yourself great advice!
I think that dreams has hit it right on, as far as being emphatic in declining to take responsibilty for others 'concerns'. No need for you to make excuses or offer explanations to anyone.
And however you do decide to respond, maybe do so as unemotionally as possible....never let 'em see you sweat if you can help it. No need for them to have the satisfaction of knowing that they are keeping you up at night.
That is what my H does , too...he makes a summer visit. In that way he can avoid the emotional baggage that holidays inevitably bring out. And even then, MIL manages to throw a monkey wrench in the works...last time, she called here in hysterics the day before he said he would be there, wanting to know why he hadn't arrived yet? had he been in a car accident? She'd purposefully 'misunderstood' what day he said he was coming in order to stage a drama. After he reminded her, yet AGAIN, that he was coming the following day as planned, she threw a seething fit, because she'd 'changed her plans' for the day and had already been waiting for him for hours!! I feel sorry for MIL , too...unless I see her getting to H like this.: (

good luck...may the force be with you: )

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

paradox, yeah, i give good advice, but don't always take it, it's quiet on the MIL front, my H is upset, but we are holding ground. i try to never let them see how much this bothers us, if they only knew.... just sad that they can't be more understanding about having 3 kids, the worry about having a health problem that the drs. are not sure what is causing serious liver damage... feeling sorry for myself, then i feel guilty about that, too. i'm surrounded by Ns, so there's no attention left for me, sad, but true, it's a slow process, but i'm trying so hard to make progress and work on myself/immediate family, they can figure out the rest, or not, it's their choice, not mine. the sad part, my kids actually said that my H doesn't like grandma's 50th wedding anniversary, so sad, it should be a happy celebration, a suprise party, instead it's a chore. i hope we aren't ruining them. thanks for listening:wink:

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

MIL conversation last night-OMG, my MIL is such an N and she is so hurtful, mean person, I laid it on the line, though you all would be proud, set boundaries all over the place, at the end she didn't know what hit her, but I did. No more running me or my family around. It's OUR time now. A little crying afterwards, not much, mourning a loss of family, very sad for my kids, sad for her, I'm not dwelling on it nearly as much, though. Baby steps. It would take too long to give all the details, but trust me, it was good.....

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

wlw35,
A round of applause for you!!

Whatever helps you to move forward....and if she didn't know what hit her, maybe there's a possibility she can internalize even little bit of what you said?

Have all fingers and toes crossed for you: )

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

More good news, I've been on a short vacation, the FIL/MIL called the next morning thanking me for family pictures and the father's day card, which they knew I had sent. They both were a nice as pie, maybe it did sink in, they pushed me to the limit, the boundaries are set and I am so proud, really I'm making progress, thank you all for helping me get here, still more to do, though.

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

Boundaries are soooo GOOD!!
Congrats : )

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

wlw-AWESOME!!! And now you can re-read this the next time they try to pull something. They are sooo predictable. And you are getting stronger every day!!

Oak
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

I've been thinking about this a lot, really it's huge progress, I told H, let's make this a yearly visit at thanksgiving, get it out of the way, if they want to be there, fine, if not, TOO BAD, i'm having to re-think my entire life, we just never planned visits, kept waiting for everyone to agree, no more, we are doing what is best for US, plus, we have more kids than they do, so THERE Laughing

BTW, my liver enzymes are improving, they don't know why, but i'm thrilled, taking each day as it comes. hope you all are good at there, i so rely on each of you Wink

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

O.k. I'm coming here again to vent. MIL visited SIL, etc.. who is sooo busy planning summer festivals for a town pop:3,000 tops during the resort summer months. MIL helped with the festival, sent a letter detailing all the help and all about the cousins, etc... the cousins my kids will never know, got pissed and threw the letter in the drawer, no comment on any visit, etc... sometimes I can't believe her, she is so insensitive, especially about my health, kids, H. This is hard, but you all are right, don't let them see how much it bothers me, that's why I come here. Thanks for listening, wonder if she will ever see my point of view? Wishing for thinking...

Riccy103 · Joined: 17 May 2007 Posts: 587

Hi wlw.

I know what its like to seek the approval and validation of my NM and never succeed. There is only one way to make yourself feel better, and that is to liberate yourself from her. She will never be a true "mother". N's can't fill this role, no matter how much we want them to. She will never show concern over your health. She will never even be able to care, period.

If a parent has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you not only have the source of ultimate chaos in your life, but there will be no end to it, unless you cut the strings to her.

It's a process, wlw. It doesn't happen overnight. I care about you, we all do... I want you to be able to know what it feels like to be FREE.

You can breathe better...
Food tastes better...
Sleep is better...
You start to have real fun, and feel playful...
Life takes on a whole new dimension when you live it for YOU, not them.

We're here for you...

Riccy
_________________
They may have changed our diapers when we were babies, fed us, and gave us a roof over our head, but their abuse canceled out all those good things. Why give me life in the first place, if all you want is to kill my soul?

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

wlw35,
So sorry MIL is still getting under your skin.: (

That seems to be a typical tactic - first she acts as if she gives a sh*t about your feelings, giving you hope that maybe you can get through to her and establish something like a normal relationship, then sends a letter which indicates a complete disregard for your existence....get the old emotional roller coaster going.

I hope you can get to a place where it really doesn't bother you.

Is not about you...is about the games she plays.
hang in there,
paradox

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

You guys are right, I don't know why this is bothering me so much, in the back of my mind, I was searching for a "mother replacement" instead I got another N, cruel game. When we made plans for our wedding, ten years ago, it started then and so did the tears, she said I was too "pale" (so sorry for having fair skin--I hate it), my eyes too blue--"like a cat", I could go on with the criticism, she was to come help me make arrangements for the food (she actually told the caterer that some people thought she looked like Sophia Loren, no lie), dress, look at houses, just to help b/c my NM was not speaking to me & HATES weddings of any kind, can you guess why? If an N isn't the center of attention, they want NO part in it. Anyway, many years go by, I had a glimmer of hope when she actually came to "help" with the kids for a few days, like she had some compassion, that glimmer has flizzed out. My depression is coming back, lots of tears, I'm upset with myself for being weak, but don't have a choice, now I know the symptoms, now I know when to get help.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Had to give an update to this story, we've just returned from the agreed thanksgiving visit, we did not see N-SIL, they had just returned from a 3 week visit to Guatemela, taking their school-aged kids out of school, they were now TOO sick and couldn't make the 8 hour drive to see us. My nephew called to speak to my daughter, it was the first attempt for the kids to connect, it's heartbreaking, the kids want to have a relationship which can't be nurtured b/c of my N-SIL. We did not see any other relatives, they were unavailable, my N-MIL did not seem "into" the thanksgiving meal, didn't want to set the table, this is what she used to live for, very sad, the family is not the same. I made a big effort to take my 3 young kids, one which cried for 4 hours on the flight (I am not kidding) and no one could visit with us, unbelieveable, I mean, we hadn't been there in 2 years... maybe my N-MIL wanted us all to HERSELF!!!!

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

wlw--so glad to hear you made it back okay--your child crying for 4 hours sounds like a good excuse not to go at all next year........hmmmm---------well I think you did GREAT! You set your boundaries and the rest couldnt adjust to any change in "the order." OR, (and what I suspect) your mother arranged it all to be this way--not only for control--but for attention. she could get attention by making up some story (probably about you) so the rest did not come, or she could get attention by a myriad of ways.

Another possibility is of course that everyone else was relieved when you did the Thanksgiving thing because then they could get out of it. :>)

She could also have been trying to get some triangular thing going by "baiting" you as she did--make you wonder what happened and "stir things up." She could have told the rest ANYTHING.........been there.............

I totally know how frustrating they can be--my Nsis, as the matriarch of the family, has tried and succeeded ruining every holiday that I can remember since I was 5-6 years old!!! NO CONTACT is highly underrated!! Take care of yourself. Oak
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama