Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Purpledaisy, I can't remember large chunks of my childhood either. What I have recalled in therapy was traumatic. My mind repressed abuse that I couldn't have possibly endured without going psychotic. It's the way a mind protects itself. I now have recovered enough memories to piece together the truth about my childhood. I don't remember it all, nor do I want to.

You will remember whatever you need to remember when it's safe for you to do so. Whatever happened to you was some kind of abuse because you disassociated and repressed memories. It could have been any kind of abuse (emotional, verbal, physical or sexual). A good therapist who deals with trauma would be helpful. Take gentle care of yourself and follow you heart about your own healing.

PurpleDaisy,

I was very similar with the whole masturbating thing. I started when I was probably about 3 or 4 years old, and I guess it was a self-soothing stress reliever of sorts. For my NM, it was just more proof that there was something wrong with me. The bitch even took a photograph. She also did the creepy "spread 'em" and slather vaseline thing. Ugh! Grosses me out just thinking about it! My NM and sis used my youthful masturbation as a humiliation weapon whenever I would bring around any new friends or boyfriends, so now I tell my mates outright, and avoid introducing people to my family members (which isn't hard, since I don't speak to them, anymore).

It occurred to me that it might have started because of some kind of sexual abuse that I didn't remember. I've since researched it, and guess what. It's perfectly normal. Apparently, it's more common in little boys, than little girls because male genitals are more "out there", but it's not indicative of sexual molestation. Most of what I read says it's either self-exploration, or it's anxiety/stress/insecurity-induced. Gosh, can't imagine what I had to be stressed about.

PurpleDaisy wrote:I do remember at least two instances, when I was really little (4 or 5 years old, maybe) when I must have had some kind of infection because it would sting really bad when I peed. So bad that I cried.

No one took me to the doctor over this.

I do have a fuzzy memory of being a great big kid (4 or 5) when this happened. Way too big to have Nmom lay me down and spread my legs out as if she were putting a diaper on me, but Nmom made me lie down on the bed and she rubbed petroleum jelly on my crotch. Not sure why she chose petroleum jelly. Weird.

I had the exact same thing, the really painful infections that went untreated, and the petroleum jelly thing - she did it on the living room floor, in front of my sister and some man who I can't remember - he may have been a distant relative or family friend (it wasn't dad, I clearly remember him coming home from work not long afterwards).

Ugh, I'd halfway forgotten about that.

Ardvark & purpledaisy,

I can't remember some of my childhood either...I can't totally remember why I hated my stepdad so much and I remember only a few specific incidents of him being a jerk...I know for sure he didn't sexually abuse me.....( until I was about 17 and he rubbed my butt while I was wearing jeans...I quickly got away from him) I know he never came in my room at night and sexually abuse me as a kid, I'm positive that he did not do that......sometimes he would make stupid comments though like that I would look like a "fox" if I wore certain clothes.....so, occasionally he would make stupid sexual comments but that didn't happen much.....I just can't figure out why I hated him so much! I hated him so much that when he died in 1994 I didn't go to his funeral and I was in my early 20's at the time and didn't even know back then that NM had a mental problem....He used to blame me for my NM leaving him for a time and not coming home to him ....(before he died they finally did get back together) He was a control freak, very manic, maybe Bipolar & and N....but while I CAN remember MANY specific incidents with NM being an N, I can only remember a handful with my stepdad yet till he died I despised him much more than I do my NM,,,,, I mainly am only able to connect to the feelings of strongly not likeing him but I don't have a lot of memories to pull from to back up the reason why! Has anyone else had this problem?
I sort of feel like my mind has blocked out a lot of the bad memories that have to do with Stepdad but not so with NM.....weird!!! How can I get in touch with these memories? I would like to be able to fit the piece of the puzzle together when it comes to him.....( I don't expect to remember sexual abuse...I just remember that he was angry all the time and manic and treated my NM like a house wife from 1820....like she was only there to cater to his every male need, food, sex, etc......but there are not too many memories I have with him so not sure why, when I have thousands of NM???

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Lynn, you have some memories of totally inappropriate behavior on your SF's part. This may be all that you need to remember to process it and heal. If you don't need to know more, you probably won't remember more. I wouldn't worry about remembering more. You will remember more if and when you need to and are ready to process it. I understand how frustrating it is. It's hard to live when your memories are fragmented. Its almost like your life during the time you don't remember didn't happen. There is no continuity. That's hard. Hugs if ok.

The turn this thread has taken is very hard for me. I've read it a few times and get a little sick. I know I was sexually abused, but I don't know by who. I've had scattered memories throughout the years by myself or with a therapist. I then shut down. As I get older and stronger, I'm not as afraid. I want to know now. I was another child who 'relieved' herself at a young age. I get that it's normal for kids to explore, etc., (and talk to my kids about sexuality etc) but for me, it was more than that. I remember trying different positions, as if I was trying to mimic something that happened with another person, things that no child should know at such a young age.

In July, I was driving on a long trip with my best friend. All of a sudden a memory came out of nowhere and I was speechless for a little while. My body was numb, I had a hard time driving and I wanted to cry. My best friend knows all of my history, we've been friends for 17 years. I'm thankful it happened while she was with me. The memory is of me as a child (age, I have no clue) and my NM looking at my private parts because I was in pain. It was right before 7pm on a Sunday night before the Disney movie came on. I was in her bedroom watching that tv. She also put the stupid petroleum jelly on me. She then called a friend/neighbor and discussed this with her. I remember the humiliation I felt when she told Ms. M. even thought I had no idea what was going on. My NM did have a panic stricken look on her face though. The memory is so clear, as if it happened yesterday. The petroleum jelly part was the hardest reading here. That is a big trigger and I don't know why. I talked to my therapist about the memory too (but not the jelly crap, that is a new thing since reading it here, my first trigger). We were both happy that I'm becoming stronger and definitely breaking away from the control of NM (her voice is really stuck in my head). The more I remember seems to symbolize me becoming my own person finally, that I know I'm not an extension of my NM.

So it seems our sick NMs loved the petroleum jelly crap... no wonder I don't keep it in my house.

What is it about petroleum jelly?

It's certainly not a cure-all kind of goop.

If anything, it seems like it would NOT moisturize, ease pain, or get rid of infection.

Wouldn't it be more likely to trap infection in there, right on the skin or delicate tissues? I mean, it's thick and nasty and difficult to wash off.

I never have it in my house, either. Just didn't realize until I read the last post by Notes_2_Self. I have no use for it, and the only time I ever saw it being used as a child was -- well, when Nmom used it on me as we have discussed.

Part of what made me so humiliated back then (and also caused a weird feeling in my stomach, as someone else discussed) was she did not do this in private. I remember crying, wiggling, and kicking to get away from her one time when this was going on, so she tried to get my non-N dad and my older brother to hold me down so she could take care of this. So they were right there in the living room while this was going on, trying to ignore her, but they saw me all sprawled out like that.

They were used to either ignoring what she was bitching about or giving in to make her shut up.

And that weird feeling in my gut (which someone else mentioned) -- I still have that weird feeling to this day, on occasion. It's not an everyday thing.

Usually this feeling hits me when I'm with other people and things seem to be going nicely, and the situation feels sort of cozy and family-like. It is usually not with my own immediately family members, though.

I have felt this way around an aunt, uncle and cousins while staying at this house.

I have felt this way while with a parent's grown cousin (same as as parent/someone parent grew up with and used to be close to but are now estranged due to my Nmom's actions) and their kids.

I have felt this way when I was with the family members of a former husband.

And I have felt this way when I was with girlfriends, with or without their fiance/husband/kids. I don't have a lot of close female friends. I don't have a lot of close friends, for that matter. I mean, I don't have a female friend that I call up every day or so just to chat, have lunch with, go shopping with, confide in, etc. These friendships are just difficult for me. And I'm in my 40s so it's awkward -- what am I supposed to do? Call up an acquaintance and say, "Hey, I don't have a best friend. You wanna be friends? OK, what are the rules for this kind of relationship? When do we get started?"

But when I have forced myself to be around acquaintances or friends who are my age (or close to it), just to hang out, the weird feeling in my stomach surely hits me. I think I avoid social situations because I know the feeling will hit me.

Sometimes I wonder if this feeling in my gut has to do with feeling like I don't have whatever they have. Most of these friends/acquaintances are still having kids. My whole process of being married, having kids, building a family and future with someone are over. I'm divorced. I'm not dating. I never meet people who I would be interested in dating. My child is almost grown. I thought I would have two or three kids by now and be building a future with someone, but none of that turned out the way I thought it would.

So when this feeling hits me, it's almost like the whole day or event hanging out with these people has been like filling a pitcher gradually all day, more and more as the interactions continue and I see their lives and what I could have had, but I don't have, until finally the pitcher starts to spill. It's just too much, so it spills.

That's when the feeling hits me. It's like a queasy, uncomfortable, burning sensation deep in my stomach. It doesn't make me puke, but it does make me feel like I need to get away NOW.

I usually say a quick "Good-bye" and leave, if I am able. When I was young and with my family when these feelings took over, I couldn't say goodbye and leave. I was stuck wherever we were with this people. So I would try to defer the feelings and turn into a clown and make people laugh, or I would go off to a different part of the house we were visiting. Once I even went and sat in my family's car for a while, until Nmom found me and bitched about how rude I was and dragged me back to the rest of the group.

PurpleDaisy wrote:What is it about petroleum jelly?

It's certainly not a cure-all kind of goop.

If anything, it seems like it would NOT moisturize, ease pain, or get rid of infection.

Wouldn't it be more likely to trap infection in there, right on the skin or delicate tissues? I mean, it's thick and nasty and difficult to wash off.

I never have it in my house, either. Just didn't realize until I read the last post by Notes_2_Self. I have no use for it, and the only time I ever saw it being used as a child was -- well, when Nmom used it on me as we have discussed.

You're exactly right, it does trap infection and makes it worse since bacteria and dirt sticks to it. No oxygen can get to the irritation or infection either which = prolonged healing and pain (which is part of the reason tattoo artists tell you not to use the stuff to heal ink - just a random bit of info there for you all).

I don't have the stuff in my house either, I don't even keep petroleum jelly in my make-up kit for work, and I actually need it at times (I'll use KY jelly or Shea butter instead depending on what I'd need the petroleum jelly for). Some of my fellow make-up artists think I'm really quite odd when I whip out the lube and shea butter for work, but telling them I'm allergic to petroleum jelly usually sorts the situation (and has resulted in a few converts ).

Ugh, its horrible nasty stuff and the fact that N's like to use it on their kids makes it 100 times worse in my eyes.

Wow, I'm so stunned and amazed others have had the same experiences. I've never in my entire life found anyone who could relate to anything I've experienced with my Nmother.

My mother has never had a "relationship". She "chose" my father in her early 20s because he came from a rich family. She stalked him and intentionally got pregnant. His family tried to get him to marry her, would've taken care of them, but he was the blacksheep of his family - always was. He's never had anything to do with his family's money. He immediately fled the scene. He eventually married my mother when I was 3 months old, to give me a name. He then immediately moved in with another woman, filed for divorce and I never met him until I was 16. My parents never lived together.

With the exception of my father and a few other random men, my mother only got involved with married men. And then she would become best friends with their wives. Once the wives found out, she was gone forever and would stalk the family causing all sorts of turmoil. We were included in all their family get-togethers, always hanging out together, etc.

Her last married bf died of cancer 12 years ago and there has been no one since.

My mother was very promiscuous and not very smart about men. As an adult, upon realizing it for what it was, I started calling her on it. Since her last bf's death, there has not been anyone else.

She does not take care of herself in any way, shape or form. She never did. She knows nothing about makeup, clothes, anything. She doesn't get that if you go get your hair done, you have to do it yourself when you leave the salon. As a child, she wore wigs all of the time and looked absolutely ridiculous.

She dated one man for many years who was a carnie - and he had several stripper shows going on at his carnivals - it was legal back then. His son and I would sneak in and spy on them from the age of 3-7. I was allowed to watch anything and everything from the day I was born. Aside from the stripper shows, I don't recall any porn or anything like that.

She would bring men home anytime she could (when my grandmother wasn't home). I would be sent in the other room and always hear what was going on and sometimes would walk in and see them. When kids in elementary school would talk about sex, I would tell them they were wrong, the way it is done is that the man and the woman would take off all their clothes and the man would lay on top of the woman.

The last time she brought anyone home, we had just moved to a new house. I finally had my own room, which was supposed to be done up for me. It was done up for her. Her dream bedroom as a child. I was in 4th grade and sleeping in my bed. She woke me up in the middle of the night and made me sleep on the couch so she could do this guy in my bed!!! (Obviously finally living one of her fantasies). She had her own room! I told my grandmother when she got home and that never happened again.

When I was little, my grandmother would babysit me while my mother went out. There was always a fight when my mother went out and my grandmother was always harping on my mother about all of her men. If my mother didn't come home when she was supposed to, my grandmother would tell me in detail about all the slutty things my mother was doing.

I never got any talks about anything. And I mean nothing at all.

The only thing I got was a few years of hearing my mother talking to anyone should could about how I was going to turn into a slut and get pregnant when I was 13. I was scared to death to turn 13 or to develop into a woman.

I got my period when I was 11 and didn't tell anyone. 3 years later my mother discovered my dirty hidden underwear and had a complete fit on me. I remember she tried to take me shopping for bras when I was 12 - with no talk - and I was so afraid of her flipping out on me and embarassing me I refused to get out of the car. She bought me a training bra. I'd been wearing regular bras that I'd bought myself for at least a year. I never let her see me in them. I never let her know about any of my bfs or anything like that. My private life was always a secret from her. Still is.

She hates homosexuals and is convinced that lesbians all want her and are out to destroy her. Any man at all who pays any attention to her at all ( as in selling her a house, fixing her car, etc.) she thinks are in love with her and she will start stalking them. She sold a man from TN her sportscar and showed up on his familie's doorstep a year later and now is puzzled why his phone is disconnected and she can't find him.

She is 67 years old, and aside from not knowing how to take care of herself and being overweight, she looks to be in her early 50s - no wrinkles, good skin, just starting to get a little gray.

She is constantly accusing everyone of being slutty, having affairs, etc.

She constantly tries to fix people up who are already married. She tries to fix me up with guys who are already married, even when I was married!

PurpleDaisy - I've got the same embarassing story as you!!! I've never said that out loud to anyone before! I remember all of my childhood, things most people wouldn't remember, including very specific details. I am not aware of ever being molested. I do have some slight memories of doctor's office and stuff when I was 2 or under that I wonder about but I'll probably never know. I was exposed to sexually explicit movies and such my entire life, talk of sex, and the strip shows. That could play a part in it. The stress thing could very well be it. And it is normal to some extent.

[quote="garmonbozia] My NM thinks she's the hottest thing around too. Maybe that's part of the reason why some NMs never taught their daughters how to dress, put on make-up style hair, etc. They could not handle us looking good, much less better than them![/quote]

Nmom wanted to control my appearance. She wanted me to have the same haircut as her, and would give me her old clothes to wear. She pushed me into modeling, and had me model at the shops she managed. There wasn't any affection or bonding going on - I was more like a doll she controlled. There was never any connection beyond the scapegoat/caregiver dynamic.

As for sexuality, she never told me the facts of life. She was nice when I got my period, to her credit. She gave me a comfortable dress to put on (one of hers) and took me to the grocery to buy pads. But sexuality was never discussed. She liked for women to look "cute". Cute was her word. She would chuckle about sexual situations and activities, and would lounge around the house in her bra and underwear. But no, she never told me about sex. No talk about respect or being treated well, or finding a nice boy, nothing. ONly how "cute" guys were. No deeper connection.

Once I started to develop, she got meaner. If I dressed inapropriately, she would slap me hard across the face and call me a slut. Then, when I was a senior in HS, she went into neglect mode. She never told me the facts of life but said I needed to get on the pill before I went to college (I was a virgin then!) that's how disconnected she was. She was just totally disconnected and absorbed in her own stuff. I could go spend the night with a boyfriend, she didn't care. She acted sophisticated about it. She seemed to have odd views on marital fidelity, suggesting that although men might fool around (and suggesting to me my father did) "women could do that too" as if she had a little secret. I could never figure out her views on sexuality, except that she is threatened by the developing sexuality of girls and tends to get mean and rejecting of them at that stage.

Ya'll, I have a petroleum jelly story, too. I won't tell it here but it's very similar to the other stories here. I never had petroleum jelly in the house until recently. I brought some that is combined with shea butter to put on my hands at night. Maybe that's a good sign that it's ok for me.

My mom told me that if I got pregnant that she would make me get an abortion. Projection big time! She had gotten pregnant a couple of times as a teen. Ironic because I was Miss Super Responsible. I was scared of turning out like her.

Purpledaisy, it sounds like you have social anxiety. It makes me sad to read how you feel. Trust me, those of us married with kids feel that way sometimes, too. I don't have many friends. I mostly have acquaintances with parents of my kids' friends. I don't have much in common with many of them. I would like to make more friends but it's hard when I spend most of my time taking care of my kids. I often feel like my friends without kids don't want to hang out with me because I'm boring. I make it a point to have time alone with girlfriends who don't have kids. It's just the stage of life that I'm in right now. It will pass.

We were both happy that I'm becoming stronger and definitely breaking away from the control of NM (her voice is really stuck in my head). The more I remember seems to symbolize me becoming my own person finally, that I know I'm not an extension of my NM.

Good job, notes2self. You're healing!

First of all-Congrats to everyone here who has said "NC".

Sexuality was something that was so bizarre growing up. My NM was a prude and a half. Very sexually repressive. Never gave me "the talk"--well, not beyond telling me that when I got pregnant she would kick me out on the street and keep my baby. She told me that when I was about 12-13.
She never taught me about hygiene, makeup, how to be treated by a boy. She was very hands -off when it came to mother-daughter things. She acted like she didn't want anything to do with me after I hit puberty.

Most bizarely, when a friend that was a girl would call me- NM would chew her out on the phone. When a friend that was a boy called for me, NM would be nice as pie to him. I never understood that. It's like she wanted to set me up to the point where she could say, "See you have all these boys calling for you-you must be a little whore."

What a sick B.

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Very sick stuff.

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today im getting depressed
found out a story that my mom would have sex at hotels with me in the same room sleeping on the next bed

When my mother met my husband for the very first time, the three of us were talking nicely on the couch after dinner. When my mother decided to tell us that on her wedding night that my Dad left the room, when he came back he had an erection and a tape measure. He then went up to my mother, measured it and said "I just wanted to let you know who you married and what you would be getting". My poor husband, but it's not like I haven't seen his mother be a lot crazier. Actually that's a pretty tame story for my NM.

Ick.
I haven't read this thread yet. Worried there may be too many triggers there for me.
I was used as a sex toy by my PF from about age 2 until 10. My insides are hacked up, can't have kids.
My NM enabled him and told me "Well, he wasn't very nice to me either you know".
Good one Mother!!

I'm sorry for all you who have had icky experiences, I truly am. I will get courage to read this thread soon.

Have remembered this: When I got engaged 11 years ago, NM said to me "You're lucky I'm not 10 years younger, or I'd steal him away from you".
She meant it !
She has a looooong history of sleeping with as many men and breaking up as many families as possible. Then turning on the "Poor me, men are such bastards" victim act....which she passed onto my sister. (And they call themselves feminists, hah!!! Go sisterhood, I'll just try and steal your husband first...)

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I recall when I was quite young, my Narcissistic Psychopath mother forced me to have some enemas even though I would beg her not to. I am sure that vaseline jelly was used to insert the thing into my rectum. I don't think that's normal, and I've never discussed it with anyone because it was so embarrassing.
I also found it mortifying that she insisted on bathing me when I was 7 years old and I had to beg to do my own showers by the time I was 8. I had to beg to shave my legs long after everyone else could do it. I was forced to use cream deodorant that I had to put on with my fingers when everyone else was using roll-on, and I had to use powder toothpaste - ugh.
What a sick control freak she was about everything.

I am so glad she moved away as soon as my husband and I started having children because now I don't pitch in to help her either. It is recent that I figured out she's a NP, and that is only because some old NP boyfriend who I broke up with decades ago came back to turn my life upside down.
I researched his "traits" and then I figured her out after the fact - a twofer.
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Notes_2_Self wrote:The turn this thread has taken is very hard for me. I've read it a few times and get a little sick. I know I was sexually abused, but I don't know by who. I've had scattered memories throughout the years by myself or with a therapist. I then shut down. As I get older and stronger, I'm not as afraid. I want to know now. I was another child who 'relieved' herself at a young age. I get that it's normal for kids to explore, etc., (and talk to my kids about sexuality etc) but for me, it was more than that. I remember trying different positions, as if I was trying to mimic something that happened with another person, things that no child should know at such a young age.

In July, I was driving on a long trip with my best friend. All of a sudden a memory came out of nowhere and I was speechless for a little while. My body was numb, I had a hard time driving and I wanted to cry. My best friend knows all of my history, we've been friends for 17 years. I'm thankful it happened while she was with me. The memory is of me as a child (age, I have no clue) and my NM looking at my private parts because I was in pain. It was right before 7pm on a Sunday night before the Disney movie came on. I was in her bedroom watching that tv. She also put the stupid petroleum jelly on me. She then called a friend/neighbor and discussed this with her. I remember the humiliation I felt when she told Ms. M. even thought I had no idea what was going on. My NM did have a panic stricken look on her face though. The memory is so clear, as if it happened yesterday. The petroleum jelly part was the hardest reading here. That is a big trigger and I don't know why. I talked to my therapist about the memory too (but not the jelly crap, that is a new thing since reading it here, my first trigger). We were both happy that I'm becoming stronger and definitely breaking away from the control of NM (her voice is really stuck in my head). The more I remember seems to symbolize me becoming my own person finally, that I know I'm not an extension of my NM.

So it seems our sick NMs loved the petroleum jelly crap... no wonder I don't keep it in my house.

Notes,

I am so sorry about what happened to you. I really understand the weird pain of not knowing. I also had a vague sense that maybe something happened that I couldn't remember, which I generally ignored my whole life. edited for safety

gettingthere wrote:-
I recall when I was quite young, my Narcissistic Psychopath mother forced me to have some enemas even though I would beg her not to. I am sure that vaseline jelly was used to insert the thing into my rectum. I don't think that's normal, and I've never discussed it with anyone because it was so embarrassing.
I also found it mortifying that she insisted on bathing me when I was 7 years old and I had to beg to do my own showers by the time I was 8. I had to beg to shave my legs long after everyone else could do it. I was forced to use cream deodorant that I had to put on with my fingers when everyone else was using roll-on
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Oh Jesus. ME TOO. They gave me enemas and also threatened me with them. My parents were obsessed with my BMs -- would make me call one of them so they could look in the toilet after I went. I can't believe I'm even writing this -- never in a million years thought anything remotely similar could have happened to anyone else.

Also with the bathing. NM insisted on bathing me herself, by hand, with me standing at the kitchen sink (!) until I was around 9 or 10 years old. She would put a bath mat on the floor for me to stand on. It was so humiliating. Our old tenement apartment didn't have a shower -- just an old tub -- and she said she had to wash me herself because I wouldn't do it properly. We finally moved to a more modern apartment with a regular tub and shower, and I was finally allowed to shower by myself. But the cream deodorant -- I had to use that as well. And shaving. I remember she just pulled me aside one day when I was a young teen and she said in a scolding voice, "Do you have hair under your arms?" Like I'd done something wrong. I said yes. She said, "You have to shave it off. Here." And she handed me a disposable razor. No explanation, no mother/daughter "chat" about bodily changes. Ugh.

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Shellshockella wrote:
"Yeah, my PM was also big on the quasi-medical excuses to get in my pants. Took my temp anally if I so much as hiccuped, so much so that I began faking well (am I the only kid in history to do that?) when I was actually sick, just so I didn't have to face her and her lubed up thermometer. It's weird--when I was a kid, I had no conscious notion that this was inappropriate behavior. I thought all moms did this."

I never thought of it quite that way. She really was in my pants too much. When she claimed I might have a temperature, she pulled down my pants and inserted the lubed-up anal thermometer inside me. I knew I hated it and that my friends had oral thermometers, but I assumed she had good intentions as I begged her to use an oral thermometer. It took continual fights to eventually get her to cave in on the oral thermometer for temps and prune juice instead of enemas. I was sick a lot as a kid because she wouldn't allow me to get doctor ordered tonsillectomies that she kept canceling as "unnecessary surgery".

Festinalente wrote:
"They gave me enemas and also threatened me with them. My parents were obsessed with my BMs -- would make me call one of them so they could look in the toilet after I went."

Like your NM, mine wouldn't let me flush and checked my stools. If they weren't often enough, I got enemas. She would hand-wash me as I stood in the shower and then towel dry me on the bathroom rug because I couldn't be trusted to do any of it properly too. I don't really recall how old I was because I try not to think about it, but I was AT LEAST in the 4th grade which would probably make me around 10 as you were. It took continual fights to get her to cave in and stop.

On the beach she would make me undress and then change out of my swimsuit right on the beach with her holding up a small towel around me - it was humiliating until continual fights ended that. Like you, I was tossed a razor with no instructions when she scolded me for having hair under my arms, although I was not allowed to shave the hair on my legs until I had begged and pleaded for it long enough.

She never had a chat with me about boys or bodily changes. For my periods, I had to wear a sanitary belt and a big sanitary napkin that would shift itself around. I had to wear a big white girdle with garters to hold up stockings even after pantyhose came out. I was only allowed to shower once a week on Sunday nights so my hair was always greasy for school by the end of the week. It wasn't until I was 14 that I washed my long hair every 3 days and by then I was buying my own shampoo.
By then I had long since started hating her even though the beatings had already stopped, although the screaming and nagging never did. Dishrag dad was never there for me. He tried to calm her a few times during her violent rages, but she verbally blasted him for not keeping up a united front and he went back to being a useless wimp.
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Just remembered the greasy hair.

Nmom did not insist on hygiene for me. I'm not sure why I hit a time when I didn't care about being clean. I do remember always having difficulty washing my hair on my own and kind of being afraid of the shampoo and water.

I know that sounds weird to be afraid of shampoo and water, but when I was little she didn't use the tear-free shampoo on me so my eyes would constantly sting and I'd cry during baths. Plus she did not warn me that it was time to rinse and didn't have me tip my head back enough, so I had water gush down my face which made me feel like I was drowning.

It was pretty traumatic, being that small and having the shampoo get in my eyes and the water down my face before I could catch my breath.

So I'd go to school with greasy hair.

We've got school pictures of me looking absolutely miserable with my boy haircut, greasy hair, and a big frown. She'd bitch at me about that -- "Why can't you smile?!"

I've never been a big smiler. In fact, a lot of people ask me what's wrong and why I don't smile much. I'm too self-conscious because of all the times when I did smile and Nmom would tell me my smile looked fake. So I just learned NOT to be happy.

PurpleDaisy wrote:
I've never been a big smiler. In fact, a lot of people ask me what's wrong and why I don't smile much. I'm too self-conscious because of all the times when I did smile and Nmom would tell me my smile looked fake. So I just learned NOT to be happy.

My NM used to blast me for "not smiling" and not being "bubbly". Geez did it ever occur to her that she was the reason? She also used to tell me that I had a "long face" and that it wasn't attractive. That had double meaning. One meaning was that she thought I was too serious and studious all the time. The other meaning was that she was implying that I physically had a long face. Granted, my face is a bit longer than her round little troll face, but I don't have the horse face that she implied.
Just goes to show that Nparents will stop at nothing to get those little digs in that chip away a kids self esteem.