Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi

I'm new to this forum, and posting to get some advice/support from people who have been affected by having a family member with this kind of personality.

At the moment i am extremely confused, and have alot of self doubt about what is going on and who is the crazy one. I'm in my early twenties and my parents have recently separated. My mother is adament that my father has NPD, they were married for over 20 years and my father spent a lot of time at work (self employed), and she says now that she believes he has always been this way, but she was too naive (him being much older when they met) to put her finger on it before. As such my mother has pointed out to me many examples of how he is selfish, using, abusive and fake.

It is very difficult to describe what he is like, but i will give it a go. Firstly, i don't think i've ever had a proper conversation him him in my life, it is very one sided, either you tell him about your day and what you're doing or he won't ask, instead he'll sit in front of the tv. When we used to have dinner together, he would expect to be entertained by us talking about what we are up to, but will never give any input in return. I don't know a lot about him - he is estranged from all his family who we have never met, and has lied on official documents about his father's occupation and his nationality. When asked about his past he will give NO information, only his parents names. Everything else he says is very vague and sometimes inconsistent. We have no family friends, the few friends my mum had stopped calling after my dad's reception (polite and friendly, but would never invite anyone in. If they came in he would excuse himself to the garden or another room). Behind their backs he would mock them. My mum is very close to her mother, and he also has always mocked this relationship openly, making out my mother is dependent and needy on her mum because she has 'issues'. This is his big thing - he likes to make out everyone has deep seated issues, and that we are lucky because we wouldnt survive in the real world without this insight he has into us, but this is EXTREMELY subtle that i have only come to realise this recently. For example, he might ask me a question, then reply to himself with my response - i asked him why he would do this, is he mocking me? - then he'll respond with "don't start! that's your inferiority complex". He'll then do the exact same thing again in a few days, and act innocent as to why i'm getting angry and reacting. Another example: EVERY day without fail, usually more than once, he will come in from work/wherever and go around the house to check where everyone is and who is doing what, but he doesn't say hello. Instead, he wanders into the room you are in and slowly stares at you and what you're doing, then slowly wanders out again. No comments or anything, just looking. I have asked him to stop doing this COUNTLESS times, and he'll respond with "that's your thing, you don't like anyone looking at you". He does this to everyone in the house, even with visitors (i never invited anyone around anyway, i was always too uncomfortable with his behaviour). When my parents were together, he regularly mocked my mother and has accused her of being neurotic and hysterical. He has also used my mother's bad relationship with her father against her by making out she has 'daddy issues'. He is extremely controlling and tight with money, despite earning a lot more than the national average. he has the money for expensive holidays that he enjoys, but if i need the bare essentials like a matresse or a piece of furniture or braces I will have to nag, and he will make me feel guilty by insinuating his budget is REALLY being stretched. Yet he has bought me a car and sometimes gives me £20 for no reason - so confusing! He can be 'generous' or stingy but always on his terms. If he's being 'generous' you will alwyas know about it though - he has stock phrases to the effect of "aren't you lucky girls", "you think you're the bees knees". Another infuriating example is when he assumes he knows better about you than yourself - when i lost weight at college from exercise and generally forgetting lunch every day, he told my family i was on a diet, and when i insisted otherwise, was made to look like i was being defensive. If he makes a 'joke' which is usually a comment about one of us and get angry, then we have percieved the joke wrong and are being too sensitive.

I've also noticed that he's not like this with everyone, only my mum and me because we react i think. My other sisters ignore his stupid comments and they make an effort to talk to him, so he leaves them alone.

During their 20 years of marriage, I remember my mother as depressive. She did not like socialising, sighed a lot, cried, and used to go out for long drives at night. This made me very upset - as a child i think you sense a lot of things and feel the emotions, but lack the insight to understand why you feel like you do. I can remember being happy as a child, but i also remember very unhappy times. By the time i was 9 i loathed everything about myself, and as a teenager i had no self esteem and scratched 'i hate me' into my arms. I feel more confident now i'm older, but don't have ANY in built self esteem or sefl worth as a person, so the slightest thing makes me doubt myself. I don't have relationships with men, i feel intimidated, or that the person is 'beneath' me. I'm thinking of finding a counsellor. (very ironic, as my father calls himself a psychotherapist - i feel sorry for his clients/victims)

I know i've written a lot, thank you if you've come this far, it means a lot. Trying to explain 20 years of his behaviour when i'm still so confused is difficult, but i hope someone might be able to shed some light on anything i've said, or will even just agree that it's not all me, and that he is actually weird.

xx

Candi,
I am new here and just wanted to say I hear your story and me too!!
How are you now?
Phoenix13