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Narcissist married to Narcissist

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

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Narcissist married to Narcissist

Postby earthquake » Wed Mar 31, 2010 9:57 am

After 5 years of marriage my husband physically attacked me for the first time. I strongly provoked him verbally and this is one of the only times I ever saw him loose his temper. That sent me to google searching domestic violence which brought me here. My world was shattered as I read about this disorder and realized my husband has it. After a few days of reading and being on all out stress mode, I realize I also have a narcissistic personality. I recognized the symptoms mostly from my personality before marriage, but it could have manifested differently after being with him. I don't think I have it as bad as him, because I am able to admit I have fault. For your information, I am 25 and he is 38.

After the physical abuse he blamed me, but I stood up for myself insisting his behaviour was unacceptable. He said he needed to change. Later that day he cried. A few days later I initiated a conversation about our relationship with him by asking how I should change (not my thinking, but trying to play into his disorder). He said "those in glass houses should not throw stones" and he proceeded to tell me like he has several times through out our marriage that he wants to tell me everything and share everything in his heart with me, but I close down all the doors for that. During the course of his talk, he also said he was sitting with himself thinking about how he should not act like how he has been acting lately (being distant, lazy, ignoring our family.) He seems to want intimacy in our relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it. Does it seem like he really does want to change? Do you think it is possible for him to change if he wants to? Does this mean there might actually be hope for change with counseling?

Would it be wise of me to suggest to him he might have this disorder? Could that cause him to deastablize? Would it help if I told him I think we both might have it?

Since staying the course of counseling is doubtful, would it help if we both recognized the symptoms of the disorder and worked with our selves and reminding each other about avoiding the symptoms? (not blaming each other, etc.)

We have a three year old daughter who looks just like him and they adore each other. I am so scared about reading the articles regarding child abuse especially sexual abuse. I am watching him like a hawk. I am also planning arrange some family members to be extra supports for our children while we get help or divorced. Do you have any statistics or can you give a general idea about how often sexual abuse/incest happens with children of NPD?

What would be his likely attitude toward his “beloved” daughter if I divorce him?

Please advise. Thank you.
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Re: Narcissist married to Narcissist

Postby samvaknin » Thu Apr 15, 2010 5:25 pm

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:






Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4727

Healing and Curing Narcissism











Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5458

Support groups for victims of narcissists and psychopaths (and one or two groups for narcissists)

http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Di ... rt_Groups/

Take care there!

Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:


Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

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