Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I'm in the process of divorcing my NP. He has hidden all assets and attempts to manipulate and influence our two children that we share 50/50. Its an ongoing battle. Last year I went into our house (where he is living) to get some of my things, mostly kitchen stuff I needed. I took the hand mixer but couldn't find the beaters. When he realized I took it, he used one of kid's keys to my house, let himself in when I wasn't home and left the beaters on my kitchen counter. I have rights to be in our house because my things are still there and we haven't divided everything, but he has no business in my home. It was eerie to come home and find the beaters on my kitchen counter. When I asked him about it he said he didn't leave them there. Yeah, well who else would do that right? When I told my boyfriend about it he said it sounds like a dog leaving its mark. Anyway I had the locks changed immediately and the kids can no longer have keys to my house.

I recently moved and told the kids I would hide the key somewhere outside so they can get in when I'm not home and they need to get stuff from my house. This has been working well as long as they put the key back after using it. Recently my son said he lost the key. It's been missing for about 3 wks. I won't get them another key (a lesson of responsibility) and told them if I'm not home they have to wait til I get there or climb through a window if they desperately need something. Anyway, I came home the other day and found the key laying on my doorstep. I immediately suspected my NP because he's done this "leaving his mark" thing before. When I confronted him he denied ever having the key or coming in my place. My son said he found the key a week ago and put it in his wallet. He forgot to tell me he had it and just noticed it was missing from his wallet when I called. My son said he didn't leave it by my door and that he was at a friend's house when it happened. Now I have to have the locks changed again. I called the police to make an incident report and they said there's nothing they can do since it was my Ns word against mine and there's no real proof he did it. I said I just want it documented since he's "left his mark" before and this is the second time I've had to have locks changed. They gave me a report number and told me to call for anymore strange occurences.

As it is I refuse to speak to him and we only communicate through text and email. My boyfriend thinks he came into my house to find something incriminating and left the key to show power and control. There's nothing here he can use against me in court, and he just made himself look bad to my son because my son knows he did it. He's very intelligent, but this was a really stupid thing to do. Ns can't help themselves, and when he does out of control pychotic stuff like this it scares me. How do you know if an NP will go to the extreme of harming someone? What are the signs? I worry he could slip poison into my food or something.

If he was never violent during the marriage, you're probably physically safe. Your boyfriend is probably correct, he's probably just making a show of being able to get in, to mess with your head. You're in the best position to know if you believe he could get violent, though, and don't ignore your gut feelings. Reporting this type of thing to the police EVERY time is a great idea.

My daughter is only 10, and I'm already dreading how to deal with not giving her a house key (afraid XN will make a copy), not giving her the garage door key (afraid she'll tell him the code), and so on. Sounds like you got it just right by taking it away after the kids let it disappear once.

If you can afford it, though, a basic alarm system would be fun. Set him up to enter your residence after you've installed one of those, and you have grounds for criminal charges.

In my personal experience the Ns and Ps enjoy the mind games the most. They resort to violence when they feel they are not controlling you with the mind games. I have not given my kids a key to my apartment/house for that very reason. I KNOW my ex would get ahold of it somehow and make a copy of it, then stalk me. If your ex wanted to harm you he would have. He wanted to show you that he COULD if he wanted to, thereby showing he is still in control.

My kids cam back from a weekend visit with their dad and he had made a point of telling them he knew where I live. OF COURSE he does, why wouldn't he. But he told them that to make the point to them that he is still in control, and probably hoped it would leak through to me so I would know he was still in control. But he only has as much control as I choose to give him.

If i were you I would not give the kids a key anymore. Try to find some other way for them to stay safe while you're away. If you HAVE to give them a key, maybe there is a magnetized version that can't be copied or something. I had one like that for my truck.

Oh, by the way, my ex did something similar to yours last year. He let himself into my truck to leave a check for me on the seat. I responded with a text saying that he was displaying stalking behavior and if he did it again I would call the police. He didn't try anything like that again. A couple of months ago he came to my house to visit my son while I was at work. I called in a police report on him, because even though he wasn't technically breaking any law, his intent was to violate my boundaries and show contempt for my privacy.

hey, great idea Mot! I LOVE the alarm idea.

Thanks for the feedback. The alarm is a good suggestion. I can't really afford an alarm system right now so I'll have the locks changed and have a un-duplicatable key made til I can afford it. I really don't believe he would hurt me, but you just can't sure. These people really are sick. I've read so many stories about NPs who go to extremes (Too Late To Say Goodbye, by Ann Rule) so I think it's wise to take precautions and not underestimate them. You're right It's really about power, control and violating our privacy and boundaries. It's such a rush for him to shake me up that I never know if I should confront him like I did about the key or just ignore him. I know I need to protect myself and the kids from his manipulating games.

I'm thinking about getting a big dog, like a German Shepherd or Great Dane, to intimidate my ex if he ever decides to show up. I like dogs anyway, and my kids would love one, too.