Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

buttongirl · Joined: 06 May 2008 Posts: 8

Hi,

My story started almost 6 years ago when my son was 4 months old and I went back to work. It was a new job in the same university, and it felt fantastic to have a permanent position, a good pay check and my new baby.

I reported to a woman (lets call her Helen) who had one other employee under her (let's call her Nancy). We both reported (still do) to Helen even though functionally, the work we did was for other people. We report to H. only on paper, and the work we do is unrelated. We just got thrown together for lack of a better place to put us. However, since we both report to the same boss, we were given cubicles next to each other.

Nancy, when you first meet her, is outgoing, cheery, pretty, funny, quick to joke around, and so on. When I started my job she befriended me like an older sister. She's about 6 years older than me, and at the time she was skinnier -- the real hottie in an office of (mainly) aging women. The belle of the ball. Nancy likes to talk. She likes to be "in" on the jokes, and she goes out of her way to say "good morning" to people and be a part of the socializing.

Eventually we started doing stuff together --- yoga classes, Sunday breakfasts -- and we had another friend (let's call her Annette) and we made quite the chatty trio.

My personal life was going downhill. It wasn't long -- about a year, judging by my son's age -- and I was seriously considering leaving my boyfriend. I was going through a difficult time, and honestly, I was somewhat wrapped up in my drama and difficulties. Annette and Nancy were supportive, would listen and give me the thoughts on the matter. But a side note about talking with Nancy -- she had this way of asking you a question then cutting off your answer and talking about herself. Odd. Annoying. But harmless as if she had a short attention span.

Anyway, I decided to leave my boyfriend, and began the process of looking for an apartment and so on. Things got even worse. And then one day I noticed that Annette and Nancy were doing things just the two of them. I wasn't invited any more. I'd ask to join them and be told there wasn't enough room in the car. I got the distinct feeling I was being excluded, and I couldn't understand why. I went to talk to Nancy about it, and she physically turned away from me and ignored that I was standing right there talking to her. Pretty confused and wondering what I could possibly have done wrong, also desperately needing my women friends, I sent both of them an email asking what was going on. I got only a reply from Annette. Nancy never replied. Annette said I was unpredictable and only concerned with myself and she was tired of being a friend to someone so needy. OK. Whatever. It hurt, but obviously she wasn't much of a friend to begin with. But Nancy went on a campaign against me.

To get to my cubicle I have to pass hers. Every day I would walk in to work dreading that she was already there. I knew she was keeping tabs on me; my boss had mentioned to me that if I was late, Nancy was sure to point it out to her as if she were collecting incriminating evidence. Helen had already asked her to stop several times, but Nancy was on a vendetta and would proclaim how it was so wrong that I was abusing my boss's understanding, how I was a horrible person for being late, and that the rules should apply to me, too. I shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. Most of the time, it was a late that my boss had been informed of in advance, or that I was deducting from vacation pay or personal time. (I was desperately looking for an apartment!)

Then, if she walked past my desk she would stomp her feet or sigh. If I crossed her in the hall, she would toss her head and look away. If I was in the lunch room and she walked in, she'd pivot on her heel and stalk out. Same with the elevator. I felt like someone with leprosy, or like there was this horrid odor around me. Then other people stopped talking to me.

I found out from one of Nancy's buddies who was also a friend of mine (because I did some free work on the side for her) that Nancy was badmouthing me to everyone on her smoke breaks and that I was all she talked about. How I was a horrible mother, abused my privileges, and so on. She warned me, but refused to say anything to the bosses or go on the record against Nancy for fear of being the target.

Anything I did that she could point her finger at, she did. LOUDLY.

It got so bad that I was seeing a therapist and feeling ill. I could barely bring myself to come into work. She was monitoring me, I knew. The stress was killing me, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything to make it stop. I was afraid to confront her. I was a nervous wreck. Meanwhile I was dealing with custody issues, finding a new apartment and the emotions of that whole situation. I was successful and well-liked at work. I was one of the very few women on the floor as pretty and thin as she was. And when my personal problems brought me down, she took advantage of it, and was out to ruin me psychologically. Strange because in terms of the work we did, there was no relation. I wasn't a threat to her in her job.

It got so bad that I went to my boss sobbing that I couldn't handle it anymore. Helen said to me, "yes, I know, she's got problems. I'll try talking to her. I was hoping she would stop before it got this bad."

Well, that turned into a meeting with the three of us to "discuss" the problem. She played totally innocent. She pretended she had never been a friend. She said it was work stress and I shouldn't speak to her when she's stressed. She trapped herself in her own lies, tripped over her feet and then finally plead the victim. Started crying and saying how hurt she was that I was so selfish. She didn't apologize. She declared how hard and trying it had all been on her. She promised to stop and be nice.

She stopped. She was sweet as sugar. It made me very uncomfortable that all of a sudden she was saying "good morning" and being chatty. Then, I got moved to another building. That lasted for over a year before I was moved back (space re-allocations) to the same floor and a cubicle next to hers. She immediately returned to her old behaviour. She leaves her radio on all day, loud enough that it's bothersome for me, even when she's away from her desk for a few hours. Despite repeated requests to stop. "Her" friends don't acknowledge me in the hall. That's a good number of people. Worse, my boss no longer talks to me if Nancy is in the office. My boss only comes by my desk after Nancy has left for the day, maybe once every 4 weeks. The truth is, she pays the price for being friendly with me. My friends (there are 2) get glared at when they come to see me at my desk. She is rude to anyone who comes by to see me. She has answered my work phone and told people to stop calling on days when I'm home sick. But she learned the first time round how NOT to do it. She's playing a very thin line, and staying on the side where I can't touch her. We have a new "psychological harrassment" law. I can't touch her with it because her behaviour isn't bad enough.

But I'm NOT leaving this job because of her. I walk past with my head in the air. I've perfected the act of pretending she's furniture. As I walk past I think about how much weight she's gained, how miserable she is, and how it must eat at her that I'm still in great shape. But it's hard to do that. I hate her. I hate her with a passion. No one will do anything about this situation, and if I make any more of a fuss, I'm going to be labelled the crazy one. No one else sees her behaviour. She's sweet and sociable to everyone except me and the couple of people who dare be my friends.

I'm learning that there's no understanding it. She's sick. Hopefully eventually she'll just go away.

gettingoutofhell · Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 2

I'm hoping to start a support group of victims (targets) of workplace bullying. This scenario has been happening more and more lately, it happened to me, except the bullying was from my Narcissistic Psychopathic boss. Go figure - I'm in HR and these type of people are so smug and perfecting in their manipulations, that I, a person that took psychology courses couldn't even see thru. I think this world is becoming very matter of fact that this is the way the business world is suppose to function now, and if you are not a bully, than you won't thrive in today's world. Its sad. If you are interested in learning more about workplace bullying and harassment from narcissistic people, read the book "Bully at work" and visit their website "bullyinginstitute.org". It's insightful. Good luck to you. She seems like she won't quit until you do, quit that is.

buttongirl · Joined: 06 May 2008 Posts: 8

Thank you. I have read a fair bit about workplace bullying online, and sent some links to my supervisor in the hopes that she would see my coworker's actions for what they are. That backfired, and my boss now sees me as being obstinate.

I think I am past needing a support group. And I have gotten to the point that I will not leave because of this woman. She has toned down her actions and I have accepted my revised social role. The hardest lesson was to learn that the best way to get along in this office is to just keep to myself. It is lonely, because I have only 2 friends here, and I wouldn't mind being a part of the socializing more, but in my experience that leads to backstabbing and gossiping... I am more content just doing my work and leaving.

For now, the N coworker is being very tame. Partly because I told my boss that if the N starts up again I *will* pursue her for psychological harassment, and that threat carries some weight. Partly because she has moved on to another target. So, it's a balance now. She's not actively pursuing me, although occasionally she'll act out, and I know she would never act that way with others... for example one day I was home sick, and I had a friend drop by(work) to ask me out for lunch. From the reception area my friend called my extension a few times, thinking I was just away from my desk... so three times over 10 minutes or so my desk phone rang. Then the receptionist called. So a 4th call. At which point, N coworker was loudly complaining to the whole area "Why the F%^$ is her phone ringing?" And she stomped over and answered it, told the receptionist that I wasn't here and to tell whoever kept calling to go away."

My phone almost never rings, and I am surrounded by people who answer calls all day long. Her reaction is because it was me.

But I record that kind of stuff, and then just walk by her with my head held high and look right through her. I'm getting much, much better at it.