Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Susan_Elizabeth · Joined: 12 May 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Grand Haven, MI

When I met my narcissitic ex husband he was charming, sweet, attentive. There were small signs that I ignored--mood swings, withdrawling when things didn't go his way, small nik-picky things that bothered him about me (it bugged him that I put creamer in my coffee). He said the most wonderful things to me. "You are so beautiful!", "I'm so lucky!". He called me 'princess', 'sugar', 'doll', 'sexy lady', 'love of his life'. Oh I got sucked into his web so fast. It makes me sick to think about it now. He asked me to marry him after 9 months. I said I thought we should wait. That set off a withdrawl and of course made me feel insecure. He asked me again at 10 months and said, "This is the last time I'll ask you, I won't ask again." Stupid me....... We went to Vegas. Just remember--what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you end up with a husband.......you HAVE to take him home.
Our marriage started out fairly well. As long as I did EVERYTHING his way. More and more little things about me began to bother him. Before too long, I couldn't do ANYTHING right. So I tried harder. The harder I tried the less he liked me. I twirled, danced, spun 'round and 'round. Then I started to wonder--"Am I crazy????????????" If I bought a pack of gum it pissed him off. He would routinely accuse me of using too much toilet paper. We did things for US, we did things for HIM, but God forbid I do something for ME. There wasn't suppose to be a ME.
He wanted me to watch what he thought was appropriate to watch on TV. He constantly criticized my choice of music, the way I did housework, the way I hung MY clothes on hangers. He accused me of being lazy......I did ALL the housework and over time, the yard work became MY job too. And I worked a physically demanding job 30 -35 hours a week!! I earned my own money, but I wasn't suppose to spend any of it on me.
By the end of the relationship I wasn't the 'princess' anymore. "You're beautiful" was never heard again. "Love of my life"......what a joke. "Door mat of my life" is more like it. I had to get the hell out. He hung on and on. After the divorce was final I had to get a PPO (personal protection order) against him. Finally, I have no contact with him.
Now though, I feel lost and adrift. I don't know who I am. I spent so much time revolving around HIM that I don't know what the hell to do now. My self esteem is shot. I don't trust ANYONE. I battle depression. I sit here and wonder how the hell I messed up my life so much and why didn't I SEE or pay attention to the warning signs???????? Why did I bury myself in denial SO DEEP that it almost destroyed me?????? And most of all----Will I do it again???????????????? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life living alone, but I sure and hell don't want to become a narcissists doormat again. My head is so messed up..............Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Pegasus123 · Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 17

Hi,

Yes all sounds very familiar to me and I guarantee to everyone else here too. It so true about doing things for US and him but nothing for ourselves..that's just us being selfish right?
I know how difficult it is these people are toxic and we all need time to heal. They seem to haunt the mind long after they're gone like we're brainwashed.
That's my feelings anyway. But don't be too hard on yourself, many many people fall for them they served their apprenticeship at any early age at gaining supply for others they're pros. God yes I look back and thing WHY OH WHY did I not take note of the warnings but it's very difficult when you haven't experienced the impact caused ignoring them and noboby's perfect.
I ask the same questions, will I ever trust again? will I find another one?
I think perhaps the key is to be more judgemental and choosy when looking for a partner believe in yourself and what you deserve and give up the trying to save someone or give them something of yourself (love etc) expecting to change them. People have to carry their own cross through life. Making sure that you both allow each other to florish and grow as individuals - together. A concept the N just can't grasp.
I'm thinking of you and hope you make a quick recovery and a more fulfilling and loving future x

Pegasus123 · Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 17

I have good days and very bad days, I've found taking up hobbies again I gave up to care for him (can you believe it) helps and have you friends and family to help? socializing will help dull the pain and if you can, pamper yourself enjoy your new freedom and find yourself again. It's hard at first I know but I'm ever so slowly moving forward.

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

Yes this sounds very familiar. Remember N's are professionals at projection. If he called you "lazy" it's because he's a lazy goodfornothing and he knows it. It's all their attempt to deflect their misery off of themselves.

We all lost ourselves to a degree. I can tell you this though. It doesn't necessarily take as long as you think it might for your vibrancy to return. But it requires this--waking up to the STARK REALITIES of this person--letting go of every fantasy of what he could have been, knowing that all the "princess, you're beautiful, I'm so lucky's" (is this a script because those were flowing out of my Ex's mouth like rotten honey too) were manipulation. They felt good at the time but there was no real substance to any of it.

Breaking off EVERYTHING, including the "good memories" or attempting to justify anything they ever did which you (we) fell prey to and seeing it in a stark reality, really helped me find my way home again.

Smart, beautiful, successful, popular, very "together" women can fall prey to this kind of person. And they are sucking you dry from the first minute yet it's so insidious you couldn't possibly see it (although I think most of us would sense this danger in the future). Letting yourself off the hook completely, feeding yourself with things you used to enjoy even if the verve is gone out of it NOW, will start bringing you back home.

Then one morning you will wake up and think "Glory Halleuliah, I'm back again" and being alone and FREE will feel like the best feeling in the world.

Hang in there...it will definitely get better now that the toxin is out of the system.

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

One more thing. All that toilet paper, gum, etc. nonsense was about ONE and only ONE thing: control. He was just seeing how far he could push his CONTROL of you. It's just so absurd the details but when you are in the moment all you are thinking about is avoiding the wrath or disapproval or getting back the lovey dovey or whatever. They are thinking one thing too: how to get you DOWN and BENEATH them being subservient so they can feel that pseudo power because they really know, they are nothing and don't deserve you. Blech!

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 821

Susan-Elizabeth,
Welcome to the forum hun but so sorry you here as well.
First and foremost want to say to you are amongst others who understand.
Please read the article links.
What you are feeling and going through is so typical (sadly) as a result of being involved with an N.
YOU didn't mess up your life S-E! You had the good sense to finally realise you were in an unhealthy relationship and got out.
Most of us buried ourselves in a fog of denial initially (and for some time thereafter) too.
Please give yourself a decent period to recover and regain your sense of self before even considering another relationship.
Are you getting any professional counselling?