Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

My name is Dana. I am a 33 year old mother of two beautiful children. They are the light of my life. I don't think I would be alive now if it wasn't for them. I gather my strength and will to go on from them.

This is my story..............

I met the man that was my husband in high school. I was 14 and he was 18. Four years my senior. Our relationship was troubled from the beginning. We moved in together when I turned 18 years old and that is when the violence started. All these years, he blamed the violence on my mouth. I use to be very outspoken...........I had a very strong personality. So I would say or do the wrong thing and his temper would go flying. At first, it started out he would punch walls or throw things at me or the kids. Then he started taking punches at me when I wouldn't "shut my mouth". In between all this, we had our older daughter (who is now 14 years old) and after we had her, we got married. Man, I thought I could change him having a family and getting married. It got worse.
I have had a bad background. Abusive mother, absent father, no real family to fall back on. It was always just me you know. I learned to fight and I used my mouth to do it. Soon, that is what my X-husband said was the reason for the "fights". I would "push" him with my mouth he said. Like saying it was my fault that he would hurt me or destroy stuff. Maybe he is right. I don't know Embarassed

Inbetween more fighting, came our son who is 10 years old. My health was getting worse and holding a job was next to impossible for me so I quit to stay home and raise my kids.
I dealt with my bad relationship by drinking, smoking marijuana when ever I got the chance. My Dad was in life at this time and saw what my husband was doing and tried to talk me into leaving him and that he would help. I didn't because I always thought if I loved him harder and tried harder, that it would get better.
Pretty soon, it wasn't only me he was treating this way but my daughter too. If someone didn't do what he said and pushed the wrong button on him, violence is what they got (like his own father).
To make a long story alittle shorter. I ended up having a hypomania, and "checked" out of my life. My Dad died of Agent Orange lung Cancer, my sister committed suicide, my marriage was a f*(&ing joke and I just cracked. I started an internet relationship with a man that was just as screwed up as me, I started pulling away from my kids (unconiously, I think I knew I was going to be leaving them), and told my husband I wanted a divorce.
I was gonna move out but he convinced me to stay for financial reasons (by this time I managed to get two jobs to support myself). One night, he attacked me and told me if I wanted to stay there (during the divorce), that I had to have sex with him. I got away from him and tried to lock myself in my car but he got to me first. He punched me and grabbed me and I tried to leave. He finally stopped only because I had all my meds in the first seat of the car and threatened to commit suicide right then and there.
I made preparations to leave out of state with this guy I met on the "net" (he live 2000 miles away and I was going to go live with him and try to make a new "start"). A week before I left, my X-husband got mad at me and loaded his rifle and pointed it right at me while my kids watched. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there. The children were screaming and crying (they always did when this shit happened).
I was such a screwed up mess. Having bi-polar (I didn't know that is what I had at the time). I thought leaving and stuff was best for the kids (I didn't feel like I was any kind of mother). My new so-called "start" was a joke too. Six months with this man, I headed back "home" (Minnesota) and checked myself into a Mental Hospital. I had dropped a ton of weight, wasn't eating, taking drugs, drinking everyday and tried to jump off a bridge and commit suicide.
My X called me at the hospital and wanted to try and "work things out" with me. He claimed that he loved me and that he had changed. I believed him plus I wanted to be with my kids. While in this "hypomania", I signed over EVERYTHING (I don't remember doing it but I did). The house, the cars, the kids, EVERYTHING!!! I owned nothing and he had legal custody over my babies. I had to give it another try. I NEEDED my kids in my life............
The first year I got back was ok. I managed to get a job and things were looking pretty good. The fights we would get into, all he would have to say is "get out, this is my house and your not taking the kids cause I have custody. If you don't like it, get out but your not taking anything.......". So I would back down.
Then one night, my daughter back talked him and he dragged her by her neck to her room. I jumped in and started screaming at him to get out. I told him if he ever laided another hand on her, I would turn him into social services. He hasn't touched her since.
Yes, I am still with him because I am unable to support myself or hold down a job. I am on all these meds for Bi-Polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic attacks, I have diabetes and asthma. My knees are shot all to hell and well, I have no where to go or no one to turn to. He has legal custody and I cannot live without my kids. He doesn't hit me anymore but he screams and yells and uses his "power" to keep me in line. I can't fight back anymore. I just am emotionally broken..............
I am fighting Social Security Disablity right now and I am praying and hoping that I can get at least that so I can support myself and maybe my children when it happens................not if....when!! We were married for ten years, I can't survive another 10 years with him. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by screaming and threatening. He blames it all on me. I spend too much money, I am moody, I am trying to change him, I push him, Im stupid and mental and its all ME!! None of it is him and he will never admit it is. I have even tried to get him to come to therapy with me and he won't go. I have given up and pieces of me die each time we get into it and he threatens me.
Suicide has crossed my mind but I promised my children that I would never ever leave them again. I can't hurt them like that. My kids tell me that I am there best friend and they don't want to stay with there Dad if I leave.
I am so lost and confused and alone..........I don't have the strength to fight for myself anymore............I have no family or friends. There either dead or gone or turned on me when they found out I had a Mental disorder.
This is what it is................my life. Crying or Very sad

_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Dana,

I am so sorry to hear that you have had so many problems. It does sound like you are developing some insight into the causes and are starting on a road to recovery. Good for you in finding out about your Bi-polar and treating it. Many people are not willing to accept the diagnosis or treat Bi-polar.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family with little support is eough of a trauma, but to live in such a relationship as your marriage is bondage beyond belief.

I am not an attorney, nor giving legal advice, but I would advise you to contact an attorney, and there are some legal aid societies. It is possible that your "signing over everything" is not LEGALLY ENFORCABLE, especially since you have Bi-Polar that was presumably undiagnosed when you signed. I advise you to checkk on this if you are able.

Keep on your medication, and continue to see a therapist and read and learn about abuse. I know that HE thinks the problem is your "mouth" but he DOES NOT HAVE A VALID EXCUSE TO ABUSE YOU in any way.
Learn about Bi-polar, and Borderline Personality Disorder and work with your therapist on learning new ways to cope with your "issues"---Good luck and God Bless you.
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

I deeply appreciate those kind words of encouragement. I am definately going to check into my legal rights and what I am able to do.

You know something, part of me wishes that he would just "see the light" and go to anger management and we could be a happy family. Part of me wishes he would drop dead LOL. I know that isn't right to think that way but I have had almost twenty years of bullshit under my belt with this man and numerous emotions come into play.
There was a time that I was so in love with him that I would of done ANYTHING for him. Now I have to make myself do things just so he doesn't notice that I loath him sometimes and won't kick me out. I do it to keep peace in this household for the sake of the kids and so I am not separated from them.
I ask myself "How long can I keep that up?"

Last week, the X tried to kick me out of the house and I refused to leave without my kids. I had to promise that I wouldn't step out of line again. So for now, I walk on egg shells and keep to myself. I never thought I would be in this position..............I swore I would never be one of those women that would put up with that crap. But here I am...........smack dab in the middle of it. Feeling sorry for myself? A little..................
_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear dear Dana,

We have ALL sworn tht same "oath" and all violated it I would say---and most of us know how horrible it is to live with or around an N or a P...they are TOXIC, and sometimes dangerous. We have all I think I am safe to say experienced almost every emotion thre is to experience.

My father's mother was a P from what I hear, though she died before I was born, and my biological father was a P until his death last month, but I was NC with him for more than 40 years. My son is a P and is in prison for murder....

Some of these people are more dangerous than others, some are murders, and some are just personally miserable...

I know that you must be in great distress living under those circumstances, and I can't tell you how to come to terms with your situation. I know that most towns and cities have shelters that can help you if you have no resources. Even if you plan to stay with this man, I would suggest that you call a counselor at the shelter nearest you and talk to them. They might be able to help you and your children. My guess is that no matter what papers you signed giving him custody of the children, a judge can undo that easily enough if your children are old enough to testify to the abuse or if there are signs of abuse.

The people at the shelters are usually very expert in helping victims with legal issues and with safety issues. At least you could call them and find out what they can offer you.

I also suggest that you look at the "make a plan to get out" information on this and other sites, and start planning for how to get out. First I would get all important legal documents (your birth certificate, your children's birth certificates, etc.) and put these in a safe place, or with a friend so that if you have to leave suddenly, those documets will be available. I also suggest that you start saving money, even a dollar or two put away so that you will have at least a few dollars if you need it.

As for social security disability, there are attorneys who will work on this for you for no money up front, they take part of your award for back pay if and when you get approved. Having professionally dealt with the Social Security disability system, very few people get approvedx without an attorney and the process ususally takes months to years. Don't give up.

There may be a way out for you and your children if you want to leave, and it may take time to get the plan into place, but at the same time I think that possibly the BEST thing you can do for your kids is to get them into therapy as well...living in this horrible stressful situation can't have helped them.

Sit down and make some lists of "things to do" and work off one or two, take the first steps to being INDEPENDENT of this person. Make your decloration of independence, and then start the "fight"---but do not tell him any of your plans, and don't allow him to provoke you into telling him.

Good luck and learn all you can about this personality disorder. I will keep you in my prayers and your children as well. (((hugs))))
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Dana, I read your story ,Firstly you may be outspoken but as Ox says that gives him No right to abuse you or your children
You say he doesnt do it now but to live in that enviroment wondering whether he will do must make your Mental health problems worse
Im not up on American law but you surely have a group that helps people to defend you please seek out all the advice you can
To make a get away if you decide thats what you want ,plan for it well in advance and dont let him know your going as this can escalate more violence
You have rights too,
enquire what they are ,you may be surpised at the help that is out there if you only reach out or take the first step
I understand that while your living this nightmare thats all you see but there is help out there
(((((((hugs)))))) to you I really feel for you , I know how it feels its terifying, and so many problems it seems insurmountable but there is always a way out
Do your best not to confront him , instead plan and think your and your childrens way out ,what you'll need etc have them hidden
Well done you made this first steps, I was terrified never thought id make it on my own but I did, and you will to.

Read all you can on here it helps , the more you understand them the more you become stronger to face it all
I will keep you in my prayers
Its definately worth the peace of mind I assure you
You have friends now , and you can count on us

Hugs
Movedon
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irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

Thank you's for the words of encouragement and you know, I decided to take the steps.
I started my talking with the X tonight about having joint custody of the kids. He got mad at first. When he calmed down some, he said "I would never keep you from the kids, your there mother and they want to be with you. I would just keep them hear till you found a stable home. Why don't you believe me? I thought things were going well between us?"

I told him that I don't want it used against me anymore because that is also a form of abuse is "blackmail" or "threats". That children should never be USED for such purpose. I told him that what he needs to worry about is patching his damaged relationships with his children (they don't have much respect for him cause of his temper and the things they have seen in the past). I also told him that if wanted to really work this out that he needs to think about anger management and/or therapy. It can't be a shouting match anymore between us.
In the end, it was actually a nice conversation and he said some things that surprised me in a good way. However, I am not a very trusting person in real Life. I have been screwed over too many times. So we will take it a day at a time and see what happens. I am still going to pursue what my legal rights are.............I am not doing it to hurt him but so we BOTH can be the good parents we set out to be in the beginning of this mess. Does that make sense?
One thing I really could tell is he is trying with our oldest and she is real suspious of why? He has severally damaged there realtionship and I think he is just starting to realize it. She won't hug him, kiss him, Never tells him anything about her interests or her friends, her life basically.

I want to think that is a good turn at this point but I won't get my hopes up and I take it a day at a time. What do you think? Am I stupid to think this way? Dana
_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi Dana,
Being optimistic is a good thing and you know him better than we do ,
Mine promised alsorts when he was in a corner, just to get what he wanted
once hed got it he turned cold again.
Im not a man hater by any means but please be careful , mine promised to go to anger managment (he went to two lessons) but kept up the pretence of him going when actually he was not .
Your man might be different but from what you've told me so far I doubt it
Your daughter has him sussed by the sound of it, why now? is he really making an effort? or is he furthering his own ends because it suits him at the moment.
I dont want to burst your bubble all that worries me is you and your family stay safe , and have peace of mind
I know you say you want to be the good parents but if its not working now it isnt going to work in the future either, so why waste any more of your life? You have had some really hard times now its your turn to have a good life and be free from all this agro you certainly dont need .
You need space to get well and heal
I hope this doesnt seem too harsh but im sure youd sooner me tell you the truth than just have your ears tickled
Stay safe please Im still praying for you

Hugs
Movedon
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