Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

nisablack · Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 11

I am too tired and sad to go into the weary details but, I have offically ended a 7 year run with a Narcissist and I am so traumatized, I do not even know what to do with myself. This is the 100th time I have tried to leave, but now with the latest betrayal I have nothing else left to do. My ex Narcissist, is cunning, manipulative, mean, cold, heartless, everything in the book that could be named of evil. I have the composure not to contact him, ever again, but I have his two year old son and I am so confused about whether or not I should just refuse any contact with him when he does make it...he will say he wants to speak to his son, but this will be partly true; he will want to get back inside my head to destroy whatever is left of me as well. Also, to ask for money which I have in the past given to him in bounds selflessly.

This man has been scarcely apart of his son's life, only recently spending intimate time with (3 weeks) him since his birth, and I see no authentic loss for my son if he does not hear his father's voice on the phone or see him ever again. He is fake and dangerous. He is jobless and will not pursue any custody battle with me, he does not by any chance even have the financial means to do so. If I refuse all contact with him there will be no consequence, I see, except that my child will lose the little memory he has now of his mostly absent father. His treatment of me has been so ill, I could walk away from him forever now, but my son's presence makes this choice very complicated. It's been only 2 days of Not Contacting him, and the days will continue to grow, but he will eventually call in two weeks and then the vicious cycle may possibly begin again. I do not know what to do. I do not want to neglect my responsibilities as a mature parent, but at the same time, if I have to speak to this man in the near future, I feel like I will tummel into the steepest of deppressions and utterly mar my already shattered self-esteem. I know I may need to be in contact with him in the future concerning my son, but I just don't want to now and for a long while. I would like some advice on what would be a resonable amount of time to separate from my ex completely before re-establishing communication strictly for the purposes of my son.

If I am to have No Contact with him, how long should this No Contact last if a child is involved?- my situation stated above considered. I would like to vanish from him for a year-maybe 2 or 3. He does not live in the same state as I do, so this is doable for me. But will I be wrong, to reject his attempts to contact me in order to speak to or see his son? What if I maintain No Contact for a full year in order to heal my self and completly move on from this terrible relationship? And then after this time has passed, if my ex N should desire, allow him access to his son? What is the reasonable thing to do in this matter?. My ex N is terrible when it comes to relating to me and I want absolutely nothing to do with him, but when he does offer hisself, he is an attentive, caring, and nurturing father-(of course superfically, but he is my child's father.) Can someone offer me some words of wisdom or advice. I do not know which way to go.

Thank you.
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Nisablack

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1398

Hi and welcome.....It would be the best for your son to have NO CONTACT EVER with your/his son....N's contact is nothing more than using the kid to get back at you...I cant see how this might be good for ANY kids.......the courts however WILL see it differently because they wont even take the dads being an n into consideration...You seem to know for a fact that this dad wont be able to fight this in court and I hope your right........
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

nisablack · Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 11

My ex N has a criminal History and will not pursue any legal actions against me if I keep him from contacting me and my son. However, he will persistently try to place calls, send letters ect. to create a line of communication between us and make the case that he is genuinely interested in his sons well being; that he has a right to him and that I should not keep him from his son. I however would simply like a prolonged period of time of NO CONTACT so that I can restore my self-esteem and my sanity. In the final stages of leaving this man, I always have this inner battle with myself...is it right to deny him access to his son? But he has tortured me so much emotionally and mentally. These are the questions I ponder in my heart and mind. Then he calls again and I give in and begin a relentless cycle of emotional and mental abuse. I honestly, do not feel like I have the capactity to be indifferent to him meanwhile maintaining even minimal contact in order for him to communicate to his son. So I think your advice is best and that I should cut off all contact all together. He has taken up so much of my young life. I'm only 24.

I just don't want my son to grow up to later despise me because I refused his dad. I don't want him to yell at me..." why didn't you accept dad's calls? Why didnt you let him see me?" Of course I could explain the betryal, the abuse the hurt, the torment....I just hope my son, when he is older, will be understanding of the choices I want to make now on his behalf.

I welcome your thoughts, opinions & sympathies
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Nisablack

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1398

Your son might very well grow up and blame you....this is a pattern I've noticed on the many talk shows.......and in my x's family......His brother ran away from his parental resp when his wife divorced him and the kids were pretty young......those kids spent an awful lot of time imaginating what their dad was like and believe me....it was always good......and that was their fantasy because their dad was an ass.......My daughter would tell them they were lucky they didnt grow up with their dad because she DID grow up with hers(his brother) and it was NOT good.......I'd take that chance if I were you......rather than dealing with a grown son who learned well from his n or p father how to lie and manipulate people you'll be dealing with a normal son we can hope.......
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1864

Hi Nisa and welcome. My name is Matilda and it is nearly 5 years since I finally broke free from my ex who I believe was anti socially disordered. It took me awhile to "get it" (I returned to him three times before I really understood that I absolutely had to break off all contact.) It was through immersing myself in the information about nature of the disorder that I finally understood that it was imperative for me to practice no contact. My situation was different to yours in that I didn't have children. (I had three miscarriages by that man though). So I appreciate it's got to be extremely difficult for you to have to maintain some sort of minimal contact to sort out parental issues. I would recommend keeping such contact to a minimum and seeing if you can get a mediator to act on your behalf re any issues that come up involving your child (financial and custody issues etc.) As for your emotional well being, no contact definitely works. It is hard at first, but you will find that your thinking will come clearer and you begin to rediscover "yourself". Your child needs one good stable emotionally healthy parent, and looks like you are it. The better care you take for yourself the better it will be for your child.

As for the "guilt" part of things re the difficulties in trying to figure out how much contact to let your child have with his dad...the best I can do is print out this information for you. Perhaps there is something in here that will help? Let us know how you get on.

And hang in there, it will get better. Promise.
MatildaEmotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.
You Carry the Cure in Your Heart by Andrew Vachss
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

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An Umbrella for Alex by Dr. Mary Gay, Personality Disorders Awareness Network
(for children with PD parents)

How to Raise Compassionate Children
http://nz.msnusers.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=382623&LastModified=4675608363688867532

Hint: Ask your librarian or local women's shelters about recommended books for children to cope with family abuse situations.

Just Like His Father? by Dr. Liane J. Leedom
http://www.parentingtheatriskchild.com/

Understanding the Borderline Mother - Lawson
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0765703319/ref=pe_606_2583960_pe_ar_t10765703319/103-2636113-9972646?n=283155

Site for Kids to recognize abuse and what to do
http://www.burstingthebubble.com/whatisabuse.shtml

Member recommended resources/links
http://nz.msnusers.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/divorcecustody.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=271805&
LastModified=4675566068084699285

The booklist from Heartless Bitches
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/culture/kidsbooks.shtml

Helping Children Understand their Parent's Mental Illness
http://www.bpd411.org/parentalwish.html
http://www.mhasp.org/coping/guardians.html

Tell Your Children the Truth by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

You Owe Me – Children of Entitlement - Hint: Children recognizing signs of mental disorders in other children helps them understand it in adults
http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/teach9.htm

During the Teen Years
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/conditions/item.php?uniqueid=6261

Reactions - Childhood through adolescence
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/conditions/item.php?uniqueid=5176&categoryid=426

Talking to Children About Abuse
http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/kids/safety_talking.shtml

Good Touch/Bad Touch.com
http://www.goodtouchbadtouch.com/

National Centre for Missing/Exploited Children
http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PublicHomeServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US

Dr. R. Grossman's site on Nism/Relationships/Children's 'Voice'and Genetics
http://www.voicelessness.com/

Helping Children - for caregivers
http://www.lfcc.on.ca/CCFJS_trainingmaterial.html

Books for Kids
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/culture/kidsbooks.shtml

A Family That Fights
An 8 year old boy & his two younger siblings live in a home where the father abuses the mother. Picture book with illustrations in pencil, 4 - 12 years.

A Safe Place
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0807572128/absolutsearch05/104-4241252-4924758

All Season Front Row Seat to the FightsL, Larson
A collaboration between a counselor & the children she has worked with. Black & white illustration by children, with explanations by the author; 7 - 13 years.

Clover's Secret
http://www.scvan.org/clovers_secret.html
imaginary land where people can fly, two girls form a friendship that helps one of them deal with the problems she faces at home. 4 - 10 years.

The Dragon & the Mouse
A mouse lives with a dragon who is abuse to him emotionally, physically, mentally and socially. 4 - 11 years.

Hear My Roar: Lungin's Broken Family Dr. Ty Hochban
A bear family struggles with the father bear's drinking and abuse. 6 - 11 years

Mommy & Daddy are Fighting - Three young sisters build a fort of blankets & huddle together to cope with their father's abuse against their mother. Picture book with washed illustrations, 4 - 8 years.

*Something Is Wrong At My House / Algo Anda Mal En Mi Casa
http://www.parentingpress.com/

Greg's dad never physically hurt anybody, but he yelled things that often made the people around him feel awful.8 - 12 years

Daddy, Daddy, Be There
http://hallkidsfamily.com/parents/111.shtml

Bullying Resources
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_blbully_pep.htm
Unusual Parents
http://nancykeane.com/rl/196.htm
Great Books for Girls (and Boys & more)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345450213/heartlessbitches/002-8677917-6914412

How do I protect children from abuse but still enable them to have a relationship with their father?
http://www.faqfarm.com/Love/Abusive/4541

When Dad Hurts Mom - Lundy Bancroft
http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_0425200310,00.html

Book Recommendation:Why is always about you? The seven deadly sins of Narcissism (Hotchkiss) - recommended by a therapist as suitable for older children
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

littlecat2 · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 12:21 pm Post subject:

Hi there ..... your situation is a tough one, to be sure .... I certainly see why you would want to protect your son from this horrid individual, and I can also see that the potential is there for your son to blame you someday for doing that. You are in a tough place. I guess if it were me, I'd get some family counseling - you and your son - you alone, and your son alone. And, talk with your lawyer about this. See what he/she says. Hopefully, between the therapist and the lawyer you can come to a resolution that feels OK for you. I don't envy you, my friend. This is a tough place.
abby
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