Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

gentlesoul · Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

In 2005 I met him on an online support group forum. I was trying to leave a very abusive relationship, and "R" was there with gentle, passionate, encouraging words. He wrote to me everyday, long poetic emails that made me feel like I was reading out of a fairytale novel.

On the forum, he had listed his website. When I visited the site, my breath was completely taken away. I had the surreal experience of feeling as though I were reading my own words, looking at my own artwork, perusing my own memories.

On the page he listed a very rare film and song from the film that had touched my life when I was but five years old. As if that weren't extraordinary enough, his poetry sounded like the poems I would write, and he chose pictures for his site that I had hanging on my own apartment walls.

I felt like I had known this man for lifetimes--In many ways, I still feel we have a profound spiritual connection, and perhaps our meeting and parting was working out karma together, but given the choice, I think I would have opted never to have met him--if that indicates how much pain I am in now.

We corresponded daily, and I was slowly falling in love with him. He made beautiful promises to me, and wrote so eloquently about the things he would want to do if he could visit with me. He lived overseas, so for the time being, our meeting had to be delayed, but I had in my mind that we would see one another in person very soon. So did he. He spoke of that desire all the time.

He sent me dozens of poems that were far beyond amateurish productions--They were often akin to the works of poets of yore, and I swooned with each and every word.

I slowly began moving away from my horribly abusive situation, and one day, six months after we had been writing, I announced to him that I was moving to get away--I finally felt free! I felt on top of the world--I felt like my life would start anew, and that one day I would meet this wonderful, gentle man, and all would be okay--We would be in love--

He quickly identified our connection as a true twin flame union--I believe so deeply in spiritual ideals and concepts, that I was eager to share in his vision. I marvelled at all our similarites--down to our birthdays, our favourite music, the books we enjoyed, the art we preferred, the poets we read, EVERYTHINg...on such a deep and emotional and spiritual level--It all seemed so magical--I thought I was living in a dream.

We both were writers, so it was easy to correspond each day the way we had by email. But soon, "R" was asking to come and see me. I was a little hesitant since I wanted to be entirely healed from my last relationship, but he was so persuasive and kind, that I gave in and within a month of having moved, he was flying out to see me.

Looking back, there were so many red flags that I ignored, but I didn't want to accept that anything less than my dream vision of him existed. I kept trying to convinve myself that at any second the email "R", the one who wrote me those beautiful letters that brought tears to my eyes--any second he would emerge. I was wrong.

I overlooked the fact that when he first met me, he seemed strangely detached for man who wrote so passionately. Subsequently, I overlooked his awkward, bizarre, uncomfortable behaviours such as breaking wind during our first meal together, pointing to his crotch and smiling at me suggestively, groping my body as if it were just a wooden post, talking haughtily about his acheivements, bringing up inappropriate topics, unconcerned that they were offensive to me.....

Even more disturbing was the fact that his father died whilst he was visiting, and he didn't shed a tear. In fact, besides a few heavy breaths, he seemed to get over it in a matter of minutes. I was confused as to how a person could not have any emotion whatsoever, but I just told myself that he had had a "troubled" connection with his father, and thus was having a delayed reaction.

After his initial visit, "R" kept calling, kept writing, kept pursuing me, even though I didn't really have interest in seeing him after that. But somehow he lured me back in, and five months later, he was out again. This is when the real abuse and mind games began.

It would take pages to write all that happened, but let's just say it was a living hell for three months. I endured coldness from him that cut into the very fabric of my being. I remember once I broke down sobbing, asking him if he were an imposter, and he looked over at me smugly and said I needed to go get help, that I was a "troubled woman."

He would often leave me stranded when we went on an outing--usually after something didn't go his way or he wasn't the center of attention for a split second. He called me every name in the book, ridiculed and demeaned me, withheld physical contact from me, and then accused me of being "frigid" Love-making for him consisted of self-pleasuring himself, and sometimes using me as a sort of blow-up doll. This from a man who would say such vibrant and seductive things over the phone--convincing me that he was a skilled and tender lover.

Beleive it or not, even after all this, I ended up fighting for a student visa for him so he could stay indefinitely in the states. I was fueled on by that mirage--that enticing fantasy that the email "R" still existed, and I was going to be the one who brought it out in him.

When he got his visa and move out here, it was as if he were entitled to it--I had worked and bargained, contacted senators, lawyers, etc....Without so much as a thank you. I got him an apartment. I helped him with school. I did all I could to make him feel welcomed.

What I got in return was over a year of abuse, lies, mind games, and all sorts of other twisted tactics that slowly made me feel like I was losing my mind.

At the end of last year I found out he slept with a girl who was anorexic, alcoholic, and suicidal. She tried to kill herself when "R" eventually rejected her and tried coming back to me. I heard from his friend later that "R" refused to call 9-11 for her, and just shrugged off her pleas for help.

It may seem unimagineable that I took him back, but I did. He lured me in with more beautiful emails, special music, promises to get counseling--he did go to a therapist for a few sessions, but found excuses, and stopped.

Just a month ago, I found out through his friend that he was involved with a 46-year-old woman who had been brain-damaged in a severe car accident.

This time around, he cut me out of his life cold turkey. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing.

I have only described a small portion of the hell I went through with him--the jealousym, the narrowing down of my life, the accusations, the scars that run so deep.

What frightens me the most is that because of him, my whole concept of love, soulmates, art, beauty--my whole concept of myself, in essence, has been shattered seemingly beyond repair.

I could write more, but I am so tired, and the wounds are so painful.

I am in therapy now, and I am going to survive this, and I don't want to give up on love with passion, beauty, truth, creativity, and joy.

Blessings. Peace. Comfort. To all.....

Berwyn · Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

Hey, first off thank you so much for your kind words they really helped Smile

It really helps to know other people have gone through similar situations because the whole thing really left me feeling horribly isolated. I can really sympathize with your story, I too just feel so horribly played by my ex, I only wish that the mind games could stop after we broke up tho. Every time she contacts me she still seems to have some sort of agenda, some information to get out of me to make her feel better or anything to make her look better.

I felt so horrible reading your story, that is really a heart wrenching story. But what you said is right, we should feel sorry because these people can never experience what we can, they are missing out on such a central part of life. And although its hard and infinantly painful to move on I suppose we must because these people cannot love us, and there are so many better things waiting for us. I suppose we should be thankful that the illusion of their love didn't last longer than it did and that we still have a future to move forward to. No one should have to go through what happened to you and it certainly wasn't anything to do with you or your actions, he didn't deserve such a selfless, forgiving and loving person and I'm sure you will find someone who will give you the love that you deserve.

I really hope that your wounds start healing and that you find someone who can, and will truly love you.

thanks again for your kind words x

Shoogie0 · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 41

edited-sorry. If you want to hear my story please PM me