Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Gem2 · Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

My 10 year old daughter fits all the criteria for being a P. She has flipped my life around and has hurt so many people. I am at the point where I really don't know what to do. I am looking in to sending her to military school where there can be consitancy and a level of discipline that I cannot give to her. I have 2 boys as well, and I feel that they are getting the short end of the stick because so much of my time is wrapped up in her. The psychiatrist has diagnosed her as having reactive attachment disorder, but having been raised with a P brother, I know what she truly has. How do I get them to listen to me? I need help, I can't do this any more. I don't sleep for fear she will try and runaway, I am on the verge of losing my job because her daycare providers cannot handle her. She almost got us kicked out of our apartment, less than a month after we had moved in. How much do I have to take before I can get her some help? When do the doctors start believing?

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

Hi, I helped raise two P stepdaughters, and I know how terrible the feeling of laying awake, hoping they don't run away or sneak out and do something terrible that you can't fix.

But rest assured, that if she has NP tendencies, she is pretty self determined to take care of herself. I used to say "if the child were ever abducted, I'd have pity on the kidnappers." I know it sounds terrible, but the P stepdaughters would end up winning, I am sure. I used to have nightmares that the P stepdaughter got off the bus, and I ran to greet her, and she'd smile and pull a giant butcher knife out from behind her back. They were also diagnosed RAD until they reached 17, when they were psych evalled. It came out BPD, ASPD with thrill seeking. And the therapists withdrew, saying they had children that they could help, so they could no longer see the P stepdaughters.

You have to have boundaries of steel, you have to be completely consistent, any sign of inconsistency is considered a weakness that they will use. I bet you have had some feelings of guilt, knowing that its a family thing, and you have parental guilt. Which a RAD child (or a P child) will use. They will use any weakness.

You can show love, but you cannot show weakness, or any soft spot that they can use against you. Show love when she is being good, don't try to show her love when she's being bad. Maybe she will learn cause and effect, action and discipline. The P stepdaughters never did figure that out.

NP or RAd children might threaten to run away, I once found a map that the P stepdaughter had made out. But they will do nothing to hurt themselves. but they will threaten you with anything that is going to scare you. Keep you guessing.

Therapist told me that one thing that helps a RAD child is exercise. Keep her as involved in sports as you can. If she rages while you are driving, make her walk home, follow her in the car. LOL. That's what the therapists used to do. If she runs away from the car, stay where you are, she'll come back. She knows to be safe.

I don't envy you. I went through this for 9 years. Just remember that you cannot sacrifice the rest of the family for this child. You have two other children to raise. Social services don't want to take a RAD child out of the house, because they have to take care of them somewhere, and foster homes don't want them either. But if you have a therapist, and you are getting to the last nerve, your therapist can recommend placement or schooltime in a closed setting. You sacrifice and worry, and in the end, that child will go on the path she is set to go on. You cannot change anyone's path, only your own. Concentrate on keeping her safe and don't have any inconsistencies.

I fully expect to see the P stepdaughters on the news drowning someone or playing Bonnie and Clyde. As they get older, and you can't carry them somewhere, and they don't stay where you tell them to stay, it gets rougher. And then they grow taller and heavier. And its twice as bad. I'm not telling you to scare you, I'm telling you that by the time she is unconrollable, you can get social services into the act. It is helpful for social services to know about her through the schools or therapist. Then when she becomes uncontrollable, its easier to get them to believe you.

If she is merely an angry child, and you work on being totally consistent, she may improve. If she is a RAD child, or a P child, she won't improve. But if you constantly seek to see P in her, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Be consistent and show you love her, and get some therapy.

Good luck.

wahela
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"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

SSMOA · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 5

My daughter started around 8 and I wish I had known then what I know now so I could have gotten her help sooner. Get your daughter to the therapist asap and don't miss a week, ever! I don't know if it would have helped but I am sure now it is to late. I sent her to a military school at 12 and that didn't help either. It did help my daily routine, no everyday arguments over getting up, clothes, breakfast, homework, computer etc. etc. but overall she didn't change at all!! Even at school 250 miles away, everything is my fault or someone else's. A true P doesn't change who they are in any environment, just how they manipulate the environment to serve them. But continuous therapy can ease some of the symptoms at the very least. Good luck!